AIBU to tell my vegetarian boyfriend that I know he eats meat in secret

[LucyRivers167]

My DP and I have been together four years, both vegetarian. I don't care what he eats and have never been one of those judgy and pushy vegetarians.

However I have now found by accident (when putting the washing machine on) two receipts for McDonald's in his pockets for chicken burgers and a big Mac. I know he goes to McDonald's but he always said it was just for chips. I looked at the dates on the receipts, it's when I'm out or none the wiser. He has lied directly to my face essentially because one of the receipts was from when I saw a friend. I remember coming back and asking what he had done with his day - he said didn't leave the house and ate a cheese sandwich.

He even said the other day 'if I was going to eat meat, it would at least be the good stuff like steak not fast food."

I don't care what he eats, I really don't. But he seems to think I'll judge him.

I am just surprised at how good he can tell little lies though. There are a couple other more important things I know he has lied about too (stuff to do with his ex, what his job is/was) and my trust for him had already been damaged. It may seem stupid but the McDonald's thing is now more important than it should be

He has low self esteem and everything he has lied about in the past I think are things he's embarrassed about. I don't know whether to tell him I know about the Big Mac or just leave it alone as it is just a silly little thing and I think he uses food to de-stress.

He's a lovely man and partner. So very kind. But I'm worried about his honesty. He has chronic depression and anxiety too, and the pandemic has been very hard for him. I can imagine eating a sneaky McDonalds is a way of getting some pleasure.

@Charcutaria
none of this is helpful to the OP is it. He eats leftover meat because he can't abide waste. Nothing wrong with that IMO though I know most strict veggies would say that makes him not vegetarian. We both understand his stance. He doesn't lie about it which is the main thing.

“DP, you know if you ever wanted to meat you can tell me right? I wouldn’t judge you.

I just want you to be honest with me.

Do you want to eat me?”

Just randomly have that convo. See if he would lie to your face. And if he does, confront him about the lying and make a big deal

@WhereverIGoddamnLike no I am not one of those vegeterians. I myself have slipped up and eaten meat on a bad day, I just admit to it because I feel ashamed and want to get it off my chest.

@TheVanguardSix I don't think he is happy with me sometimes, it's all such a long story, but I know he isn't happy. Whether I am the cause of that, or a symptom of that, or just a tag-along in one unhappy story...I am not sure.

Thank you everyone for your help and honesty. Sorry if I don't reply to you all individually, I have received more responses for this than I thought I would

I think if your main problem with his behaviour is him not being straightforward and honest you have to be honest yourself and tell him right away what you found and how you feel about it.

I'm wondering if at some point you have indicated you couldn't be in a relationship with someone who eats meat? Perhaps you should raise the fact that you did find the receipts are really don't mind, all you ask is that meat isn't brought into the house (unless takeaway because you don't want it stored in the fridge or cooked with the pans, plenty of households operate this way. I suspect when he first met you he was so blown away he said he was veggie but like so many he craved meat.

It might be a guilty pleasure for him. I don't see the harm done in secretly eating a meat burger. If you genuinely don't care then leave it be.

I can, theoretically, be sympathetic to this mind set but if he's not willing to do anything about it, I lose sympathy because the result is that you spend your life trying to cajole him and keep him happy. I bet you don't eve mention if things have gone wrong. Or you avoid flagging mistakes he's made in case it turns into a spiral of self loathing from him that you then have to attempt to cheer him out of?

There's a wretched example of this in my family. So much time and effort has gone into someone who is resolutely set on creating chaos through lies and not resolving anything within his power.

The cumulative decades of wasted time and effort and the waste of resources this represents is probably incalculable.

DH was like this (lying about small things to make himself look better). Also seems to be a self esteem issue. He used to do it more on the phone to his mum but I think its stopped more recently as haven't noticed him doing it for ages - possibly as he's just completed about 2 years of therapy!

I used to sit in the background as he was telling anecdotes - that did happen but he would embellish them - and shout out "no you didn't" etc!

What he used to lie about mainly to me was smoking, he tried quite a few times to give up, but would eventually have the odd one and then go back to it. I could tell because of the smell obviously but he would say it was his friend's secondhand smoke. I'm sure that's a very common lie. He has been a successful ex smoker for about 10 years now, and an ex drinker for 12. We've been together 20 years and despite those white lies, he's a good guy and I think its stopped now he is happier in his skin.

However your update makes him sound v hard to live with. You dont have to carry on a relationship out of pity. Is your relationship life enhancing or life draining- hint it should be life enhancing or what's the point.

Sometimes, when I go shopping on my own, I like to go to a coffee shop and have a drink with cake. I never mention this to my DH as he'd just do the cat's bum mouth. I occasionally have a secret chocolate bar in the house too. Does that make me a liar then? Should DH divorce me?

Do you think he could of went to macdonalds with another woman?

ViciousJackdaw It depends, really. If you've told your husband that you would never touch cake or chocolate, then yes, your a liar.

Some people don't mind lies, some do. Whether he should divorce you would depend on where his boundaries lie regarding that.

Not sure if you have already answered this, but was being a vegetarian a big part of your relationship?

My mom was a vegetarian for a long time and joined vegetarian dating sites, and had a lot of vegetarian friends, and when she did have fish, she felt as if it was something she needed to hide.

Being a vegetarian usually isn't just about a dietary decision, but also about ethics...

Some of that will be my fault too of course. I am scared of rocking the boat, I hate conflict. But I have rocked the boat so to speak quite a few times in the last 9 months over various things - lockdown and being stuck together at home all the time has caused some friction after all

The boat can get rocked by 2 things: Somebody speaking the truth (even calmly), or somebody reacting in a way that crosses the other person's boundaries. Stick to the first one. If your truth rocks the boat of your relationship (in a negative way), then the relationship is not viable. But you have to make sure you don't do a bunch of flying off the handle or bursting into tears, because that really muddies the water. Calmly tell him you're feeling unsettled, and that you know he's lied, and that you'd like to give him some time to try to work out why, and explain to you. Then really listen to his answer. If he crosses your boundaries by having some sort of tantrum or lying more, reconsider your relationship with him. But you might just open the door for a clear, calm, comfortable truth to walk in, holding hands with a small but sincere apology.

Surely being vegetarian is fundamentally who you are ... as in what makes your core values? Like you may not care what anyone eats but he's told you he's vegetarian but he's lying about that. So he's lying about his core values and what he believes in to you. Never mind lying about what he's been up to in the day.
I honestly have no advice how to bring it up!

He is a massive perfectionist and black and white thinker. If some tiny thing goes wrong - say he takes a wrong turn - then it spirals into 'I'm an idiot', 'this whole journey is going to take hours now', 'the day is ruined'.

he will shut down for hours and nothing I do or say helps.

What a massive surprise - the red flag raised by OP is soon joined by a heap more as soon as she describes aspects of their relationship in more detail!

OP - big issues here all round. You need a very frank talk with him in which you make it crystal clear that you know he eats meat, and you don't give a shit. There's nothing wrong with eating meat. There's loads wrong with deciding you want to pretend to be or do or have things that aren't true to look somehow 'better' or 'more interesting'. Tell him you have a big problem with being with someone who will happily lie about things in their life, to your face. If he erodes your trust then the relationship will eventually fail and it doesn't matter what the lie is about, the problem is him looking you in the face and LYING.

If he can talk honestly about why he does this then you have a starting point.

If he can't I would walk away because you are signing up for a hellish time with a self-pitying fantasist who will make life far far more difficult than it needs to be.

@ilovemydogandMrObama no it isn't and wasn't a big part of my life. I only went vegeterian because I had some health problems after travelling in South America, and couldn't eat anything except bread without getting very ill. I never ate meat again because the urge to eat it had left me. I also like animals so it just made sense. I made sure not to go on about it when we first started dating as that is annoying.

@Eckhart This is really helpful thank you. I appreciate the time you've taken to shed some light on how I can go about this

Do you think he could of went to macdonalds with another woman?
Suddenly we've gone from a meat eating liar to affair! Classic MN. Do you want a one of these to help with that reach?

He is a massive perfectionist and black and white thinker. If some tiny thing goes wrong - say he takes a wrong turn - then it spirals into 'I'm an idiot', 'this whole journey is going to take hours now', 'the day is ruined

he will shut down for hours and nothing I do or say helps

I didn't catch this update. The key question here would be how do you feel when he does this, and do you express those feelings to him. I would bet my last penny that it makes you feel like shit, but you don't really say much about it because it would make things worse, so you just wait until he gets it out of his system, then give him loads of cuddles and reassurance.

Did I just lose my last penny?

@hamstersarse

You are right - think this one is down to a communication problem. I can’t understand why someone would think a lie is better than the truth when the truth wouldn’t be a big deal.

We all lie. Even if it is diddy ones as the truth will sometimes get you right in it. I know - I’ve been there and done it.

But for me, I would hope if I asked a partner something straight out they’d just say so. The fact that he can’t or won’t suggests something is wrong somewhere.

And I’m not sure I’d want to have a relationship like that.

(Sorry for taking ages to respond - had to walk the neighbour’s dog)

You don’t even know that he ate it. Maybe he just bought a burger for a homeless person.

@Eckhart I have expressed how difficult it is for me, yes, and he is always apologetic. Sometimes I just reassure him instead. It depends on how taxing it has been I suppose. He has good phases and bad phases.

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell I do believe it alludes to a bigger communication problem, or a bigger dissatisfaction in our relationship.

I am not happy in this relationship anymore as I was pre-March and it is beginning to feel tainted - not just because of this issue but others. He makes me feel warm, loved, important, he makes me laugh. But I also can't trust him entirely anymore and there are parts of him and parts of are relationship that are not so great. And he must feel the same or I am not sure he would lie about something small

Thank you for everyone's help x

Love, if you aren’t happy then maybe look at what you want from a relationship.

If he isn’t giving you what you need then maybe it is time to move on.

Would it be worth having a proper sit down talk to get to the bottom of it or are you already done in your head?

I have been single for years though so I’m well out of this game. I do know that life is too short to settle.

@DryRoastPeanut I don't feel like you have read all the comments, if you had, you may realise that him eating meat isn't the problem. The lying is the issue. Also not sure why you believe my life is 'sad' and 'shitty' but ah well, you can say what you like.

[quote Ilovemycats37]@lottiegarbanzo good way of looking at it. If I tell him I know I will try to approach it as you have said. I want to believe this is his way of dealing with things. I don't want to believe he is a liar who doesn't respect me, and lies about more important things.

Sorry I come across as muddled, just trying to acknowledge all your differing viewpoints.[/quote]
Lying about what his job is was a pretty big lie wasn't it?