AIBU to tell my vegetarian boyfriend that I know he eats meat in secret

[LucyRivers167]

My DP and I have been together four years, both vegetarian. I don't care what he eats and have never been one of those judgy and pushy vegetarians.

However I have now found by accident (when putting the washing machine on) two receipts for McDonald's in his pockets for chicken burgers and a big Mac. I know he goes to McDonald's but he always said it was just for chips. I looked at the dates on the receipts, it's when I'm out or none the wiser. He has lied directly to my face essentially because one of the receipts was from when I saw a friend. I remember coming back and asking what he had done with his day - he said didn't leave the house and ate a cheese sandwich.

He even said the other day 'if I was going to eat meat, it would at least be the good stuff like steak not fast food."

I don't care what he eats, I really don't. But he seems to think I'll judge him.

I am just surprised at how good he can tell little lies though. There are a couple other more important things I know he has lied about too (stuff to do with his ex, what his job is/was) and my trust for him had already been damaged. It may seem stupid but the McDonald's thing is now more important than it should be

He has low self esteem and everything he has lied about in the past I think are things he's embarrassed about. I don't know whether to tell him I know about the Big Mac or just leave it alone as it is just a silly little thing and I think he uses food to de-stress.

He's a lovely man and partner. So very kind. But I'm worried about his honesty. He has chronic depression and anxiety too, and the pandemic has been very hard for him. I can imagine eating a sneaky McDonalds is a way of getting some pleasure.

I’m vegan and my boyfriend went vegetarian after we got together (entirely his choice) and I would be absolutely furious. I actually wouldn’t care what he eats and if he told me he was eating meat when not in the house I’d just be like okay but I would not be okay at all with the lying to my face.

I don't think it's that big of a deal.

He is likely just worried about what you will think of him if you were to find out the truth. So, he hides it from you and tells white lies about it ..probably thinking it's in your best interests because he reckons you'll be disappointed in him.

I was a vegan for 4 years. Started eating meat and dairy again during pregnancy when I got cravings. My best friend is a vegan and I hide my meat/dairy eating from her because I know she will be disappointed in me. So, I guess I am lying to her. That doesn't make me a psychopath like PP have suggested. I wouldn't lie to her about anything else. It does not hurt her that she doesn't know I eat meat/dairy at home.

The hysteria on here 😂

If you don’t care about what he eats, why give a shit if he occasionally has a McDonald’s. They are just white lies. Let it go.

@ScalpHelp

He sounds like a psychopath because of the compulsive lying. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

Total and utter overreaction. Do you even know what a psychopath is? (Stupid question. You clearly don't,)

One of the issues is also the 'religious' aspect to vegetarianism. I know this is not palatable for many in this 'religion' but it is very unwavering and strict - and furthermore, once you are in it you are unable to leave it because you have made such public protestations about it.

Maybe he wants to leave the 'religion'. And we all know how hard that is from 'proper' religion.

Sounds a bit like he’s trying to hide his weaknesses from you - wants you to think well of him - isn’t quite comfortable in his own skin .

I’d ask him OP - not a confrontation .

@lottiegarbanzo really helpful thanks. He is a massive perfectionist and black and white thinker. If some tiny thing goes wrong - say he takes a wrong turn - then it spirals into 'I'm an idiot', 'this whole journey is going to take hours now', 'the day is ruined'.

He really does self-loathe himself and he thinks he makes lots of mistakes. The only mistakes I see are silly little ones, like forgetting to pay his credit card. In his head, that makes him a pathetic irresponsible adult and he will shut down for hours and nothing I do or say helps.

@namechangetheworld

*It would be a dealbreaker for me.*

Oh pull the other one. Nobody ends a relationship over a secret Big Mac. Not even the Mumsnet Moralisers who've never told a lie in their life (also a lie.)

OP, I would imagine that you're slightly more militant over the veggie issue than you think, and he's worried about dissapointing you or you kicking off about it.

Spot on A friend of mine was a vegetarian but one day she ate a KFC. It was the anniversary of her daughter's death.

I agree the problem is that you have got yourself a partner who thinks it is for him to decide what truth he can bear to share and what truth you can bear to handle. This is a worrying trend.

I don't think anyone has the right to impose their food preferences on another.

If the OP was doing that, she deserves to have her ass dumped.

Nobody's business whether a person eats meat or not.

Him having a burger is not the issue.
Him needing to lie about lots of small things IS the issue.

Any vegetarians I've know in real life have only been reasonable and disinterested in the eating habits of others.

@yeOldeTrout

Maybe work on his self-esteem. What he eats doesn't matter. But feeling a need to lie about it isn't good for him. Good luck.

Ummmm she's not his mum.

She can support him, when he's ready to stop lying-if she chooses to stay with him.

Don't you shoulder this OP!

@hamstersarse - fine, you think differently. I don't, no. I think the red flag is the type of lie. He lives a lie. Telling someone you do a job you didn't is fucked up! OP glossed over that, which is nuts.

Not a keeper. Nothign dramatic about that.

[quote Ilovemycats37]@lottiegarbanzo really helpful thanks. He is a massive perfectionist and black and white thinker. If some tiny thing goes wrong - say he takes a wrong turn - then it spirals into 'I'm an idiot', 'this whole journey is going to take hours now', 'the day is ruined'.

He really does self-loathe himself and he thinks he makes lots of mistakes. The only mistakes I see are silly little ones, like forgetting to pay his credit card. In his head, that makes him a pathetic irresponsible adult and he will shut down for hours and nothing I do or say helps.[/quote]
Honestly that is a bigger problem than lying, do you spend a lot of time jollying him along OP? Because from what you write he sounds exhausting, constant lies over big and little things (forget the Big Mac, what were the lies about an ex and what he did for a living?) having to reassure him over small things, shutting down for hours over small stuff, how much of your time is spent catering to his "insecurity", he must drain you emotionally.

He's lying because he's afraid of pissing you off or hurting you.
Are you, by chance, a bit controlling without wanting to admit this?
I was vegan for years (didn't sneak off to eat meat). But I did sneak coffees with cow's milk. I was so afraid of disappointing my boyfriend. I was 21 and we were living together, so I blame my total immaturity. Your boyfriend is immature if he can't just come clean and say he's not strict vegetarian.
I don't think he's a bad guy and a total lying c*nt, like some people on MN will have you believe. But he's been dishonest, mostly out of shame, I reckon. You need to talk about your shared lifestyle. Maybe he needs to just 'come out' as a meat eater and you have to accept this and voila! Problem solved... or not. That's up to you to decide.

He really doesn't sound like a psychopath These are trivial lies. We all tell lies. We just notice it when other people tell the kind of lies we don;t tell.
But everyone says, 'You look great' if a friend needs a boost and is not looking their best, or ' You'll be fine,' to someone we can tell is too nervous to do well in an exam or interview. Lying is part of human nature.

As you say, his lies seem to be based around making himself out to be a bit better than he thinks he is, or to be what he thinks you want him to be.

If you really like him, reassure him. Say you found the receipts and you want him to know that you don't mind and don't judge and would feel way happier if he trusted you enough to be honest about small stuff like this.

Many people give up being vegetarian on a Macdonalds, a bacon sarnie or, in my case, a secret lamb kebab. I didn't want anybody to know because I needed to make peace with it myself first. I also lived with a few judgey vegetarians who would have been upset.

So maybe there is a simple explanation -- he is considering stopping?

@Ilovemycats37 so he isn't doing it to impress you then. If you are taking this McDonalds thing and adding it up to create a larger picture what with the lies about his ex and job then I would definitely want to bring it up. If you see it as an isolated incident which is separate to the other lies then I'd just leave it until such a time it was relevant to say "I saw your McDonalds receipts while doing laundry a few months back..."

@Bluntness100 I'm not sure it's hysteria so much as it is many of us are cautious after being on the receiving end of little lies about things like ex partners, jobs and mcdonalds which ultimately end up about much bigger things like debt and infidelity. And OP is obviously concerned enough about a potentially emerging pattern if she is posting here about it. It's not about the burger I don't think!

Also, maybe his self-loathing is a sign that he is not growing in your relationship. Maybe he's reflecting the reality that you're not compatible and he's not happy. He doesn't sound like he's a happy and loved guy. That's not your fault, OP. Maybe this is who he is, with or without a loving partner. But usually, with the right person, we evolve, we thrive, we can overcome insecurities and shortcomings. Why isn't that happening? And are you happy? That's for you to answer on your own, as opposed to a random stranger on MN.

I'm going to be crass so I apologise in advance. I know some vegetarians and vegans who will not have sex with someone who is not a vegetarian or vegan themselves, particularly giving head etc. So this kind of lieing would really piss them off. Is your boyfriend maybe worried that you would break with him, or stop sexual activities, because he eats meat?

My final thought is that some people find it much easier to distinguish between themselves and their thoughts than others. People with a strong sense of self can take or leave ideas and see those ideas as separate from them.

People without a strong sense of self (yet, this is typical teenage behaviour) can place too much importance on ideas (their own and others') and on identifying with external ideas, groups and identities.

So at a simple level, if I think through whether vegetarianism is the right thing to do and conclude that it is, I could respond in either of two ways. One is to think that I will do my best, or strive towards living that way but also give consideration to other factors of importance in my life. Another is to think that since I had that idea, have reached that conclusion, that idea is a part of myself and I must adopt it wholeheartedly. Otherwise I will be being untrue to myself, a contradiction and a fraud.

Both thought processes could result in a person being a committed and consistent vegetarian (or vegan, or whatever), depending on ease and the relative importance of other factors in their lives. Both could result in them not being but eating a bit less meat.

The difference is in how they'll feel about it if they 'fail'.

I'm not any sort of therapist but, based on my own insights, I think the answer is in part to learn to detach yourself from your ideas and recognise that they are just ideas, that ideas can change, as can the knowledge and evidence that supports them. Also that no-one expects perfection or some perfect integration of actions with ideas. it's fine to try, fail, reassess and so on.

@Frazzled2207

The lies would bother me. My husband is vegetarian, but we both know he will eat the DS's leftover chicken/sausage/etc if it's otherwise going in the bin. He's never felt the need to lie about it. If he'd had a moment and gone out and bought a big mac in a moment of weakness I'd expect him to fess up and I'd be supportive (I'm not veggie but am quite pro-veggie generally). If I found out that he'd been eating meat behind my back I'd be really shocked.

@Frazzled2207 But you know that your husband is eating meat behind your back. You've said that you both know he's going to eat your children's leftover meat. You're not "really shocked" and your husband is not vegetarian. But you don't like lies. You've just written three lies!!

@TheVanguardSix If I am controlling, I haven't realised. But I am not controlling about he eats for sure. I agree he's not a terrible person or anything, it's just hard to tell how significant this is

@Dontbeme He is very emotionally exhausting and a bit immature.

More info on the job lie - when he was sorting through his documents before I moved in with him a few years ago, I caught a glimpse of his job contract for the company he works for and it was for a manual, lower paid job.

Later on, not sure when, he told me he joined the company he is with now as a more senior skilled member of staff. But over the last week (as I have started to distrust him more) I realise this doesn't add up with the contract I saw. I know he has was promoted last year and is in the higher paid role, but he told me he simply moved from one team to another team with a change in job title so they changed the contract. I don't know enough about it to question that and honestly didn't until recently. I am concerned now that he was actually in the lower paid job for the majority of our relationship, and got promoted to the better job but has tried to hide it.

I know he quit his last job suddenly about 6 years before I met him so I think the lower paid job was all he could get. And for whatever reason he was ashamed and couldn't admit to this.

I have only very recently started to question this. I can't be sure of what I read and I can't go through his documents to check (and I wouldn't anyway obviously).

I sound really paranoid and I'm not sure if I am. I can't be sure of anything because for all I know, he was in that lower paid job for a short amount of time and was promoted before we met.

So many details are lacking yet the ones I have don't add up.

I'd care about the visits to McDonalds. Would not care one jot if it was decent food.

Fucking hell what a load of over reactions! Psychopath?! I imagine lying has become a habit developed due to low self-esteem. I'm not saying that's great, but I don't think he will be stabbing OP in the night!

He sounds exhausting. Lying about his ex and his job (those are pretty big lies). Lying about vegetarianism because ehe clearly thinks you won't approve if he's not. Which may well be the case and you're lying to us (or even yourself) about whether or not you'd mind. But either way, its' not healthy.

And the self loathing etc - sorry, I can, theoretically, be sympathetic to this mind set but if he's not willing to do anything about it, I lose sympathy because the result is that you spend your life trying to cajole him and keep him happy. I bet you don't eve mention if things have gone wrong. Or you avoid flagging mistakes he's made in case it turns into a spiral of self loathing from him that you then have to attempt to cheer him out of?

Sounds awful.