AIBU to tell my vegetarian boyfriend that I know he eats meat in secret

[LucyRivers167]

My DP and I have been together four years, both vegetarian. I don't care what he eats and have never been one of those judgy and pushy vegetarians.

However I have now found by accident (when putting the washing machine on) two receipts for McDonald's in his pockets for chicken burgers and a big Mac. I know he goes to McDonald's but he always said it was just for chips. I looked at the dates on the receipts, it's when I'm out or none the wiser. He has lied directly to my face essentially because one of the receipts was from when I saw a friend. I remember coming back and asking what he had done with his day - he said didn't leave the house and ate a cheese sandwich.

He even said the other day 'if I was going to eat meat, it would at least be the good stuff like steak not fast food."

I don't care what he eats, I really don't. But he seems to think I'll judge him.

I am just surprised at how good he can tell little lies though. There are a couple other more important things I know he has lied about too (stuff to do with his ex, what his job is/was) and my trust for him had already been damaged. It may seem stupid but the McDonald's thing is now more important than it should be

He has low self esteem and everything he has lied about in the past I think are things he's embarrassed about. I don't know whether to tell him I know about the Big Mac or just leave it alone as it is just a silly little thing and I think he uses food to de-stress.

He's a lovely man and partner. So very kind. But I'm worried about his honesty. He has chronic depression and anxiety too, and the pandemic has been very hard for him. I can imagine eating a sneaky McDonalds is a way of getting some pleasure.

He definitely needs to learn some coping mechanisms and how not to catastrophise, for his own sake and the sake of any future relationships.

I think people who go into that sort of spiral of negativity become very self-absorbed and don't recognise (or care, often) what a horrible experience is it for other people, being near them when they're like this.

Perhaps its not as bad as you think. Maybe he is just cheating on you and those are his girlfriend's receipts.

@Ilovemycats37
I read the answer, and the full thread!
You may have missed my point!
My point being, it’s his life, sometimes pretending to be something one is not, is not the best way to carry on.

Tbf I'm vegetarian and I've done it when quite drunk before. It's probably not that he's hiding it from you, but more that he doesn't like that he does it himself.

I think calling him out is dangerously close to shaming him about food which I don't think anyone should do.

However - the other lies on top do somewhat compound this into more than just a battle between a vegetarian and a Big Mac temptation. So, with that in mind I might raise it in a 'Btw, I found some Mcadonalds recipes and realised you had lied... you realise I couldn't give a fig what you eat right?'

If he tries to twist and turn down various lie paths you know you have a big issue. If he groans and just admits it I'd say he's easily redeemable.

OP, I can’t see anything in your posts where you take any joy from your relationship with DP. There is rapidly disappearing trust, lots of anxiety, frustration in his exhausting sulks and silences. Honestly, I think this relationship will drain you dry emotionally and mentally. Please consider whether you would be better out of it.

@Namechange8471

Do you think he could of went to macdonalds with another woman?

Most MN answer ever

@hamstersarse

One of the issues is also the 'religious' aspect to vegetarianism. I know this is not palatable for many in this 'religion' but it is very unwavering and strict - and furthermore, once you are in it you are unable to leave it because you have made such public protestations about it.

Maybe he wants to leave the 'religion'. And we all know how hard that is from 'proper' religion.

That's really not true. Most people who go vegetarian only mention it when they need to. I know three or four who've gone back to meat and nobody would ever have slagged them off for it. It's their choiceZ

@dryroastedpeanut Apologies then for missing your point, I didn't understand your post it seems. But anyway I agree that living a lie is a bad thing, for him personally too. Why he's not truthful, I'm not sure.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yeah I don't think he's cheating on me and taking her to McDonald's lol. If he is, I hope they don't share the one meal, as it doesn't seem an adequate amount of food for two adults, I hope he at least buys her a mcflurry

[quote Ilovemycats37]@youvegottenminuteslynn yeah I don't think he's cheating on me and taking her to McDonald's lol. If he is, I hope they don't share the one meal, as it doesn't seem an adequate amount of food for two adults, I hope he at least buys her a mcflurry[/quote]

In all seriousness OP, there is something you need to have a think about re this relationship.

Being the one in a couple who has to do all the emotional labour, the being calm in a crisis, the reliable one, the one who doesn't catastrophise etc isn't just exhausting (I did it for years) it's actually also really unfair. And selfish of the other person. We are adults, it's our responsibility to work on coping mechanisms that are healthy and enable us to be self sufficient and not rely on other people to regulate our emotions and self image.

This man is currently making his lack of self esteem part of the package that makes you feel sorry for him - that and how he is 'so hard on himself'. That doesn't make him lovely. It's tempting when we see someone who beats themselves up about stuff to think they must be sensitive and a very good person and that's why they take stuff to heart.

But for some it's a bloody good tactic (subconscious for some, conscious for others) that allows them to opt out of responsibility - from everyday stuff like getting caught telling a lie to big stuff like having to step up in a crisis.

It sounds like if you're with this guy for the long haul, you'll have to always be the strong one who doesn't ever panic and has to regulate his emotions. Honestly, it leads to resentment very bloody quickly and I have never done it since I left my ex who was that way.

I wouldnt shame him.

Id bring up a conversation one day, say you think you are more committed and worry he is making what feels like a sacrifice to him..
See what he says.

I'm a vegetarian of 25 years. Except that...once every two years or so, I secretly eat a Zinger burger. I don't admit this to ANYONE, and I would like about it if necessary. I also have friends who I know lie about breaking their diet or sneaking a cigarette etc. I probably just have low standards, but I wouldn't cut someone off for a bit of face-saving low-level dishonesty.

I also think meat-cheating is common among men who became vegetarian in a surge of enthusiasm for a new relationship with a vegetarian. They usually backslide one they are engaged/married.

“I sound really paranoid and I'm not sure if I am. I can't be sure of anything”

OP this really stands out to me. When you found the receipts was it a surprise, or was it finally the piece of the puzzle that made you realise you weren’t going mad and there was something off about your relationship?

I stayed too long in a relationship looking for ‘proof’, because admitting you left someone because you thought they lied about what they had for breakfast, or who they met that day, or whether they took the bus or train to work sounds insane. But when you have to question every single day whether anything that comes out of their mouth is anything like the truth, you come to realise it doesn’t matter how much they lie, the fact is you cannot be with someone who makes you question it all the time. Not without losing your own grip on reality.

Small and constant lies add up. It’s hard to explain the qualitative difference between ‘Yes that dress looks great on you’ (it doesn’t) and ‘I met up with Jack today’ (I didn’t), but your own internal compass will tell you what is acceptable to you and what isn’t. Either way, listen to it.

Weren’t the meaty farts in bed the giveaway though ?

@ScalpHelp

He sounds like a psychopath because of the compulsive lying. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

Is that your diagnosis then?

Clearly you have very little idea what a psychopath is.

Lying and repetitive telling of lies in a relationship leads to lack of trust, and in the end a lack of respect for the partner.

In the end you can't trust them on any major issue.

Makes life tedious at times.