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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong to think DP is not getting it

126 replies

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 18:54

Ok so, I’ve always been the main earner in my home, there’s me, DP and two kids (mine not his)

I have spent the last 18 months(ish) supporting DP whilst he was in and out of work so he was not contributing to the home, at all. He moved in when he had no job

Recently, things have changed and due to covid I am now unemployed and he’s now the main wage earner, earning as much, if not more than I was. The long and the short of it is that he basically wants to give me £400 a month to cover bills...obviously this doesn’t go anywhere near what it costs to cover the mortgage or the bills so I am now going to have to work either nights or weekends to make up the shortfall.

I am hating not working, I’m used to working full time so I have no issue in working nights etc if I have too because I have no childcare.

What is annoying me though...when he wasn’t working I just paid everything. He’s not willing to pay any more than he has been and doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so worried about it.

AIBU to think he should step up and help? It’s my

OP posts:

Original poster

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 18:55

...house with the kids so it feels like it’s my responsibility more than his

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 13/12/2020 18:56

That's terrible. Has he really been paying £400 pm all in and now he's saying that's all he should still be paying?

Sexnotgender · 13/12/2020 18:56

YANBU at all. Is he a partner or a lodger?

I outearn my husband by a fair way and we split proportionate to salary. However I’m going on maternity leave soon and he’ll be making up the difference the same as he did last time. Because we’re a team.

JM10 · 13/12/2020 18:57

He's being so unreasonable. If he won't do the same as you did I would be seriously consider the future if the relationship.

slipperywhensparticus · 13/12/2020 18:57

Boot him out if he isnt willing to support you after living off you for 18 months

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 13/12/2020 19:01

So it is ok for you to pay everything but he doesn’t want to reciprocate in times of need?

He would be paying a lot more than 400pcm if it were me as he’d be asked to leave.

Sorry OP. He isn’t a keeper and this isn’t a partnership.

Blueuggboots · 13/12/2020 19:01

What a catch!! I'd be having serious words...remind him what you did when he was out of work! I'd be asking him to leave if he can't see the problem here...

Original poster

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:01

@Sexnotgender

YANBU at all. Is he a partner or a lodger?

He’s partner. Yes the £400 was based on his salary at the time but he could easily now pay everything and still do what he wanted to do. I think I’m just frustrated as I know it’s going to cause a bigger issue if I let it carry on

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 13/12/2020 19:01

Hes taking the piss out of you. Stick up for yourself. Tell him to pull his weight or get out.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 19:01

@Duskypinks

...house with the kids so it feels like it’s my responsibility more than his

Do you live in it more than he does??

It doesn't really matter who owns it, otherwise landlords would be more responsible for paying the rent than tenants in rented properties.

You need to find out why he thinks you are not equally liable for each others' support. And he needs a watertight answer, or to leave so that you can find a nice partner.

Blanca87 · 13/12/2020 19:02

I think you need to chuck cock lodger out. He clearly has no respect for you.

Original poster

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:03

I’ve told him he’ll have to move out because with him at mine I can’t even claim anything temporarily (whilst I find another job) to cover anything and he just says oh it’ll be ok...it’s not going to be though is it. I’m so worried about how I’m going to pay things

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 13/12/2020 19:05

Oh it will be ok? Yes mate when you leave

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 19:05

The long and the short of it is that he basically wants to give me £400 a month to cover bills...obviously this doesn’t go anywhere near what it costs to cover the mortgage or the bills so I am now going to have to work either nights or weekends to make up the shortfall.

Eh? This is like saying - "the long and short of it is that he wants me to make all his clothes from scratch, so now I've got to learn to design and sew to get it done..."

Why does him demanding something unreasonable turn into you automatically having to make it happen?!

Do you really want to be with such a selfish person?

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 19:06

@Duskypinks

Get him out. Make him take it seriously. You're in charge, not him. He doesn't get to minimise your concerns like this. You have your kids to consider.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 13/12/2020 19:06

Oh it’ll be ok?

Aye. For him.

Manolinette · 13/12/2020 19:07

Your position is confusing OP.

You are unemployed yet fluidly can move into and out of full time hours and weekend etc overtime. In other words you have no earning worries.

You also acknowledge very clearly it is your home and your house, but want him to step up and 'pay everything'.

I cannot quite work out whether he is a cock-lodger or you are a disappointed gold-digger. Then it struck me!

You are both!

Original poster

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:08

@slipperywhensparticus

Oh it will be ok? Yes mate when you leave

Oh you’ve made me laugh, thank you.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 13/12/2020 19:08

I suggest you say something like " Better plan, you pay the bills, buy all the food etc. "

He'll soon learn.

Velvian · 13/12/2020 19:10

He can't have it both ways, either he pays you £400pm whatever the situation, in which case he owes you £7,200 for the 18 months you were supporting him, or he covers everything until you are working again.

stanski · 13/12/2020 19:11

If he's paying £400 a month then he should back pay the 18 months you supported him. Then, you can live off that til you find a new job.

stanski · 13/12/2020 19:11

@Velvian exactly what you said! Fully agree

Original poster

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:12

@Manolinette

Your position is confusing OP.

You are unemployed yet fluidly can move into and out of full time hours and weekend etc overtime. In other words you have no earning worries.

You also acknowledge very clearly it is your home and your house, but want him to step up and 'pay everything'.

I cannot quite work out whether he is a cock-lodger or you are a disappointed gold-digger. Then it struck me!

You are both!

Unemployed due to covid. I had a very good job before thank you. As stated in my original post, I have no childcare now so I would only be able to work weekends or nights. If there was childcare available I wouldn’t be in my current situation.

Far from a gold digger, when he moved in with no money due to his situation back then

My house as in, it’s my mortgage. It’s still his home.

I’ve never had to rely on someone before, but thank you for your unhelpful comments

OP posts:

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/12/2020 19:14

Either you're a partnership or you're not. Right now, he doesnt see you as a partnership when the responsibility it put on him. He only sees you as a partnership when the responsibility is on you.

That isnt a couple who will make it long term. Time for a serious chat, which will likely end with you kicking him out.

GabriellaMontez · 13/12/2020 19:15

So when is he leaving? Have you applied for universal credit yet?

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