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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong to think DP is not getting it

126 replies

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 18:54

Ok so, I’ve always been the main earner in my home, there’s me, DP and two kids (mine not his)

I have spent the last 18 months(ish) supporting DP whilst he was in and out of work so he was not contributing to the home, at all. He moved in when he had no job

Recently, things have changed and due to covid I am now unemployed and he’s now the main wage earner, earning as much, if not more than I was. The long and the short of it is that he basically wants to give me £400 a month to cover bills...obviously this doesn’t go anywhere near what it costs to cover the mortgage or the bills so I am now going to have to work either nights or weekends to make up the shortfall.

I am hating not working, I’m used to working full time so I have no issue in working nights etc if I have too because I have no childcare.

What is annoying me though...when he wasn’t working I just paid everything. He’s not willing to pay any more than he has been and doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so worried about it.

AIBU to think he should step up and help? It’s my

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 13/12/2020 19:36

Yup. He leaves. If he's not prepared to help out with the shortfall of what you can't claim because he's living there, he has to go. Don't forget this: meanness and an 'I'm alright Jack' attitude are not conducive to a long term, loving, kind and respectful future.

RubyViolet · 13/12/2020 19:39

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Tbf general advice is not to pay towards someone else's mortgage unless you get a share though. Which is probably where your problem lies as well.
No it’s not. That is entirely upto the property owner. Nobody should expect to live for free in someone’s house rented or owned, life doesn’t work like that. And l certainly wouldn’t be discussing giving anyone a share of the house just because they pay their fair share.
Travis1 · 13/12/2020 19:42

He’s showing you exactly who he is. Kick him out

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/12/2020 19:44

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Either you're a partnership or you're not. Right now, he doesnt see you as a partnership when the responsibility it put on him. He only sees you as a partnership when the responsibility is on you.

That isnt a couple who will make it long term. Time for a serious chat, which will likely end with you kicking him out.

Which SHOULD end with you kicking him out!
floofycroissant · 13/12/2020 19:44

@HeckyPeck

Have you asked him outright why it was ok for you you to pay all of the bills, food etc when he was out of work, but now it's the other way round he only wants to pay £400?

And an answer of "it'll be ok" isn't acceptable.

I doubt he'll be able to give an answer, but maybe it will make him realise how selfish he is being (if he's actually a decent person)..

Agree, layout the sums; your outgoings, how much it's cost you to support him and how much you'd be eligible for without him in the house. Give an ultimatum. Either way he'll end up spending more.
Manolinette · 13/12/2020 19:46

I mean at what point does a potential step parent become responsible for some level of financial support?

A new acronym - DPSP Grin

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 19:46

18 months @ £400 each is £7200

Funny he didn't think £400 was a fair figure then, isn't it? He thought £0 was ok...

OP it was absolute lunacy for him not to have contributed anything for so long - that makes it slightly less surprising he's turned out to be such a prick.

If he thinks he can live anywhere on £400, off he fucks and you can put in any necessary claims to support you and your kids until your work is back on track.

But really do think about how you allowed an adult to live free of charge for 18 months - please don't do anything like that again, a decent person would have wanted to contribute!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 19:47

Have you asked him outright why it was ok for you you to pay all of the bills, food etc when he was out of work, but now it's the other way round he only wants to pay £400?

Well said - have you asked him this directly? If not please do!

RedToothBrush · 13/12/2020 19:48

@Duskypinks

I’ve told him he’ll have to move out because with him at mine I can’t even claim anything temporarily (whilst I find another job) to cover anything and he just says oh it’ll be ok...it’s not going to be though is it. I’m so worried about how I’m going to pay things
You weren't making a request. You were telling him to shape up or ship out. He ignored you.

This shows you more about the relationship than not contributing financially. He doesn't respect you. He thinks your concerns and financial issues are not important.

Googlebrained · 13/12/2020 19:48

Some of the replies on here are incredible. So it's okay for the OP to support someone for 18 months, but he's not even going to make up the shortfall in benefits that she will lose by living there. Also there's no way you could rent a whole house and cover council tax and all bills for £400 per month. He's getting the benefit of living in a house, rather than a flat share and it's very different living with someone you're in a relationship with rather than a landlord or sharer, where you have to be a lot more accommodating.

OP have another conversation with him in which you point out how unreasonably he's being. If he won't understand your situation, kick him out as he obviously doesn't have your interests at heart.

babycakes1010 · 13/12/2020 19:49

Kick the piece of shit out....you've supported him so he can do the same...have you asked for backdated rent etc from when he wasnt working

Carolines100 · 13/12/2020 19:49

Umm this is a really difficult one, it is your house (mortgage) and ultimately that will still belong to you if you were to ever spilt and the children are yours so he shouldn’t ‘have’ to support them.

I really struggle with the no childcare concept, obviously I don’t live near you but usually where there is a will there is a way. If that means working nights and weekends then so be if I guess.

All that said, it’s not right he paid nothing during the time he was unemployed and this needs some serious discussion as to why he thinks that’s ok (I’m guessing for the same reason as you can’t claim any income / benefits, neither could he).

When working nights / weekends, will be be your childcare? How does he feel about that?

I think it’s time you sat down and bottomed the whole situation financial and commitment wise, from there you can decide if you have a future living together.

If he moves out, can you cover your mortgage and expenses on universal credit alone? I believe they only cover the interest on the mortgage?

FatCatThinCat · 13/12/2020 19:50

I don't get the responses about how he shouldn't have to support you children, I really don't. When my DH moved in with me and my DD we became a family. In it together. All of us. I can't imagine my DH ever not supporting my DD as much as he supports me. How can you love and care for someone but have no care for the most precious things in their life?

Pumpertrumper · 13/12/2020 19:53

I’m laughing at the posters calling OP a gold digger Grin
I mean if you are, you’re a truly terrible one!

OP he is a wombler (my affectionate term for people who literally take no action unless forced!) he will carry on saying ‘it’ll be fine stop worrying’ until you’re 3 months behind on mortgage payments and have collectors at the door.

You have to take control in this situation. Tell him very clearly he has to move out by X date and that you’ll need his key back. Tell him you’ve already put in a claim for financial support from UC starting from that date and dependant on him having left. Tell him you need that money to pay your bills and if he doesn’t leave you’ll have no option but to call the police.

I’d then suggest to him he sleep elsewhere (sofa...etc) until then as your relationship is clearly over and sharing a bed makes you uncomfortable.

ivfbeenbusy · 13/12/2020 19:57

Well it depends on what expectations you have about him acquiring a right/interest in your home? You can hardly expect him to pay all the bills but at the same time deny him any rights to "your" house?

ivfbeenbusy · 13/12/2020 19:59

And yes it does sound very mercenary to kick him out just so you can up your benefits claim.....

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 20:00

@ivfbeenbusy

Well it depends on what expectations you have about him acquiring a right/interest in your home? You can hardly expect him to pay all the bills but at the same time deny him any rights to "your" house?
Having lived there without contributing anything for around 18 months, he absolutely could have said that for a couple of months he will take care of the running costs while she gets work back on track. That's the minimum a decent person would do, not take on all costs long term but to offer to cover things for a couple of months at least - considering he's been subbed for 18 months!!
CodenameVillanelle · 13/12/2020 20:01

@ivfbeenbusy

And yes it does sound very mercenary to kick him out just so you can up your benefits claim.....
Bollocks does it Should she just not pay her mortgage or buy food so she doesn't appear 'mercenary' while he pisses his money away on whatever?
Beautiful3 · 13/12/2020 20:01

That's awful op. I'd ask him to leave so that you can claim benefits. Think of yourself and your children...not him.

nitsandwormsdodger · 13/12/2020 20:01

Get a lodger they would pay more

BlairCorneliaWaldorf · 13/12/2020 20:03

Your childcare situation sounds tough, I’m sorry. And I do think this is far from a straightforward situation.

You have a few options:

  • ask him to move out so you can claim benefits to tide you over;
  • convince him to be more financially supportive (doesn’t sound like that will be easy...)
  • get work at evenings/weekends. Will he need to be your childcare for this? I can’t imagine he will be hugely supportive if he isn’t providing much financial support at the moment.

It might just be that you are not compatible at the moment. Sometimes situations just make a relationship too hard. I do think you supporting him is quite different to him supporting you and your children (I don’t think you’ve said if their father contributes at all?).

Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 20:05

@ivfbeenbusy

And yes it does sound very mercenary to kick him out just so you can up your benefits claim.....
There is no “upping” my benefits claim. I don’t claim anything, apart from child benefit and never have done. This is all very new to me so, instead of stating, a quite frankly incorrect statement, read the original post properly first.
OP posts:
BackwardsGoing · 13/12/2020 20:05

You were a mug to support him financially for so long. No point in dwelling over it. You could have put that money into savings for this rainy day.

Now your no.1 priority is to your children. Do what you have to do.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/12/2020 20:06

What a fucking selfish shit.

He isnt a partner. A partner implies a partnership ie both in it together. He isnt at all, he took and took from you and you were happy to help when he needed it and now the situations are reversed and he isnt prepared to return the favour and is content to see the person who he supposedly loves, go without, and struggle, while he benefits from his good fortune.

I think this relationship is already over OP. Even if he pays now it will only be because you are 'making him', not because he wants to. It won't 'be fine'

ivfbeenbusy · 13/12/2020 20:08

@Duskypinks

So would you consider him to have a right over your house then if he paid the bills or not??

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