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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong to think DP is not getting it

126 replies

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 18:54

Ok so, I’ve always been the main earner in my home, there’s me, DP and two kids (mine not his)

I have spent the last 18 months(ish) supporting DP whilst he was in and out of work so he was not contributing to the home, at all. He moved in when he had no job

Recently, things have changed and due to covid I am now unemployed and he’s now the main wage earner, earning as much, if not more than I was. The long and the short of it is that he basically wants to give me £400 a month to cover bills...obviously this doesn’t go anywhere near what it costs to cover the mortgage or the bills so I am now going to have to work either nights or weekends to make up the shortfall.

I am hating not working, I’m used to working full time so I have no issue in working nights etc if I have too because I have no childcare.

What is annoying me though...when he wasn’t working I just paid everything. He’s not willing to pay any more than he has been and doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so worried about it.

AIBU to think he should step up and help? It’s my

OP posts:
Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 20:09

@Carolines100

Umm this is a really difficult one, it is your house (mortgage) and ultimately that will still belong to you if you were to ever spilt and the children are yours so he shouldn’t ‘have’ to support them.

I really struggle with the no childcare concept, obviously I don’t live near you but usually where there is a will there is a way. If that means working nights and weekends then so be if I guess.

All that said, it’s not right he paid nothing during the time he was unemployed and this needs some serious discussion as to why he thinks that’s ok (I’m guessing for the same reason as you can’t claim any income / benefits, neither could he).

When working nights / weekends, will be be your childcare? How does he feel about that?

I think it’s time you sat down and bottomed the whole situation financial and commitment wise, from there you can decide if you have a future living together.

If he moves out, can you cover your mortgage and expenses on universal credit alone? I believe they only cover the interest on the mortgage?

There’s no childcare provision in my village. It’s an affluent area apparently (according to the school) so the Mum’s don’t work so they don’t do breakfast or after school clubs of any kind. It’s been an issue for years. I have no family who can help, which is why I said nights or weekends, he has no issue in looking after the children at those times and every other weekend they’re with their Dad
OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/12/2020 20:09

And it's not like you thought 'oh now he has a good job, I fancy a rest and I'll give up work and live off him'. You lost your job, that's stressful enough at the best of times even if you have a partner to support you. He wanted to have the benefits of living as a family when he needed it but doesnt want to give the same back

44PumpLane · 13/12/2020 20:10

Am I right in saying you supported him, one man, for 18 months?

In that case he should be willing to support you, three people as he'd have to support the kids) for 6 months just to effectively repay his debt to you.

If you had 6 months of breathing room I imagine you'd be able to work out a solution.

Put it to him like that..... Time to repy the debt by covering me for 1/3rd of the time I covered you.

Either that of kick him out. If he wasn't there you'd be entitled to some benefits and, at the very least, single person discount on your council tax!!!

10pennychews · 13/12/2020 20:10

I think this is clearly a case of two people who have different perceptions of what the relationship is. One (you) who thought you were partners and him thinking you are a landlady with benefits.

I am concerned that you have already told him to leave and he basically decided he wouldn't. He doesn't get to decide and say it will be okay, it's not his home. Make it clear he is to go.

Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 20:10

@FatCatThinCat

I don't get the responses about how he shouldn't have to support you children, I really don't. When my DH moved in with me and my DD we became a family. In it together. All of us. I can't imagine my DH ever not supporting my DD as much as he supports me. How can you love and care for someone but have no care for the most precious things in their life?
This has shocked me a bit too, if I ever got together with someone who had children I’d expect to support those children also. I have to say in his defence, he is amazing with my children and loves them dearly and them him
OP posts:
Babyroobs · 13/12/2020 20:11

Surely everything should be shared ? However I think it's unreasonable for him to pay for your kids - do you get child maintenance from their dad ? If you are out of work you should also be able to claim contributions based JSA until you find a new job. It's not much but will help a little.

Boulshired · 13/12/2020 20:11

You have no option but to tell him to leave, as far as the government is concerned you have a household income. You were generous and chose to support him, he is choosing to pay a set amount. He know exactly what he is doing and the rights and wrongs are irrelevant, at this point you need to cover your basic outgoings and even if he agrees there is no guarantee he will or for how long.

Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 20:12

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Duskypinks

So would you consider him to have a right over your house then if he paid the bills or not?? [/quote]
No, the same way I have no say over his car I paid for, for 18 months

OP posts:
FestiveChristmasLights · 13/12/2020 20:15

I would explain to him that even though he thinks it will be ok, it won’t be and he does have to leave. Perhaps once he moves out, he might be a bit more grateful for what he had and realise how selfish he has been.

If he moves out, will that impact you working weekends or nights? Companies do seem to be increasingly realising that wfh is profitable and beneficial, so you might find something else that you can do around the school runs.

Raindancer411 · 13/12/2020 20:16

I think if he is like that after you paid for his car and to keep a roof over his head whilst he was out of work, you have a problem. I would have a word and tell him how it stands and he either does the same for you or has to move out so you can claim for assistance to enable you to keep your head above water x

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2020 20:19

He really does have to move out immediately OP so that you can claim what you're entitled to. You need to make him realise this NOW as claims can take a long time.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I think he showed you exactly what sort of man he is, when he decided to move in with you despite having no job.

Who does that ffs

MintyCedric · 13/12/2020 20:20

Work out what you could claim without him living with you. If that would make ends meet, tell him you need him to contribute and equivalent amount until such time as you find another job.

If he refuses, out he goes.

Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 20:20

I am going to have to tell him to go, which isn’t what I want because he is loving his job etc an has done so well but right now is the only way forward. Thank you to all for your replies

OP posts:
applegreenpetrol · 13/12/2020 20:21

Just be very careful, because if you ask him to pay an amount to cover the mortgage, and he is able to demonstrate through bank statements that he did this, he might possibly be able to lay claim to a share of your property. It isn't straightforward, and he'd need lawyers, but it's not a risk I'd want to take personally.

Easiest option, ask for a back payment for the amount he owes you for the time he lived with you for free.

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 20:23

OP you do right telling him to leave and leave right now 🌺

Gutted2day · 13/12/2020 20:24

Hi OP - am i right that he was doing childcare for you whilst he was out of work? Sorry if I have got this wrong? Are you happy in the relationship outside of this issue?

PerveenMistry · 13/12/2020 20:34

@Duskypinks

I am going to have to tell him to go, which isn’t what I want because he is loving his job etc an has done so well but right now is the only way forward. Thank you to all for your replies

I was hoping you'd say that. He sounds cheap and self-interested. Tell him good luck finding full accommodation for 400 per month as well.

Jenifirtree · 13/12/2020 20:45

I cannot believe some of the responses on this thread! Unemployed man moves in with a family and lives of then for 18 months, then when fortunes change he refuses to contribute any more than what cannot be much more than his food and toiletries and she is in the wrong?! Wtf?!

Op throw him out.

Candyfloss99 · 13/12/2020 20:47

If you have no childcare who will look after your children when you work weekends and nights?

Blanca87 · 13/12/2020 20:55

Why should you give a shit about his job and accommodation status , when he didn’t give about your employment and income status.? Your passiveness is crazy and your framing is even worse. You should kick him out because he was willing to watch you and your children fall into poverty so he can have cheap rent and a shag. I think you maybe need to understand why you were willing to accept this at your kids detriment? Especially for an 18month relationship with an absolute loser.

lalafafa · 13/12/2020 20:56

He’s being very unfair to you op. Can’t believe you paid for his car too, he’s certainly fell on his feet with you.

tara66 · 13/12/2020 20:58

I have learn recently that a partner living in one's house has right to make claims to it if they have been there for 2 years and have no other property available to them - so perhaps he should move out asap before he starts making claims to your house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2020 21:00

You’re doing the right thing.

He may claim to love your children, talk is cheap, but he’s not willing to pitch in after everything you’ve done for him and risking theirs and your financial security. Love doesn’t pay the bills, keep mouths fed or mortgages serviced.

goopsoup · 13/12/2020 21:02

Does he really think he will be able to find a flat and cover rent and bills with £400pm?

He is a massive cocklodger, who was happy to live off you when he was unemployed and now does not want to support you in your time of need. Sorry for the cliche, but he has shown you his true colours. It would stick in my craw to let him live with me on reduced rent and bills while he saves money.

Simplyunacceptable · 13/12/2020 21:05

So he was happy to live off you for 18 months but now the tables have turned, he won’t allow you the same grace? Arsewipe, sack him off.