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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong to think DP is not getting it

126 replies

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 18:54

Ok so, I’ve always been the main earner in my home, there’s me, DP and two kids (mine not his)

I have spent the last 18 months(ish) supporting DP whilst he was in and out of work so he was not contributing to the home, at all. He moved in when he had no job

Recently, things have changed and due to covid I am now unemployed and he’s now the main wage earner, earning as much, if not more than I was. The long and the short of it is that he basically wants to give me £400 a month to cover bills...obviously this doesn’t go anywhere near what it costs to cover the mortgage or the bills so I am now going to have to work either nights or weekends to make up the shortfall.

I am hating not working, I’m used to working full time so I have no issue in working nights etc if I have too because I have no childcare.

What is annoying me though...when he wasn’t working I just paid everything. He’s not willing to pay any more than he has been and doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so worried about it.

AIBU to think he should step up and help? It’s my

OP posts:
tensmum1964 · 13/12/2020 19:16

Manolinette...Are you a man living off of a woman by any chance? Your response is ridiculous.

JovialNickname · 13/12/2020 19:16

I don't think it's fair for him to have to support a full household including two kids that aren't his - your children should be your financial responsibility. Yes you supported him in his time of need (1 person) but I don't think that should automatically mean he now has to support 3 people for an indefinite period of time in return. I have to admit it does beat the shit out of me why people get themselves into this type of situation without even a basic discussion about what is expected, and what kind of reciprocation will be required, but heigh ho. Anyway I think he should cover your (just your) costs as you did his, but not those of the children. If he says no though you won't stand any chance recouping your money in small claims court, as no monetary arrangement was agreed.

Nottherealslimshady · 13/12/2020 19:17

So for 18 months he didn't pay you a penny. But now he's working and you're not he says he should pay you £400 no matter what his earnings or your earnings are?

Well he owes you for the 18 months he didn't pay you anything then doesn't he. Or he gets out.

Either you're committed enough to support eachother or you're not, if he expects support from you then he should support you too.

Manolinette · 13/12/2020 19:17

Not meaning to be unhelpful at all.

Throw cock-lodger out and never expect anyone else to pay your way at any time. Strong message that.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/12/2020 19:17

Boot him the fuck out.
Why on Earth did you move an unemployed man into your home with your kids and keep him for 18 months??

katy1213 · 13/12/2020 19:18

Well, if that's his attitude - start charging him the going rate for rent and bills on top. And I guess it'll come out more in the region of £800-£1000.
And as soon as you're back on your feet again - kick him out.

Manolinette · 13/12/2020 19:18

@tensmum1964

Manolinette...Are you a man living off of a woman by any chance? Your response is ridiculous.
Nope...complete fail @tensmum1964
CodenameVillanelle · 13/12/2020 19:19

@JovialNickname

I don't think it's fair for him to have to support a full household including two kids that aren't his - your children should be your financial responsibility. Yes you supported him in his time of need (1 person) but I don't think that should automatically mean he now has to support 3 people for an indefinite period of time in return. I have to admit it does beat the shit out of me why people get themselves into this type of situation without even a basic discussion about what is expected, and what kind of reciprocation will be required, but heigh ho. Anyway I think he should cover your (just your) costs as you did his, but not those of the children. If he says no though you won't stand any chance recouping your money in small claims court, as no monetary arrangement was agreed.
She can't claim a penny in benefits towards raising the kids if he's living with her. I agree they should have cleared this up before he moved in (Hmm) but that's how it is when you live with someone with kids.
Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:20

@JovialNickname

I don't think it's fair for him to have to support a full household including two kids that aren't his - your children should be your financial responsibility. Yes you supported him in his time of need (1 person) but I don't think that should automatically mean he now has to support 3 people for an indefinite period of time in return. I have to admit it does beat the shit out of me why people get themselves into this type of situation without even a basic discussion about what is expected, and what kind of reciprocation will be required, but heigh ho. Anyway I think he should cover your (just your) costs as you did his, but not those of the children. If he says no though you won't stand any chance recouping your money in small claims court, as no monetary arrangement was agreed.
In that sense then, when I paid the mortgage, gas, electric bills monthly etc I should have just paid for mine and children’s share and not his? Or, if we went out for a meal I should’ve not paid for his?

I’m not expecting him to “provide” for my children, but he lives in the house too. Maybe I should start billing him for the electricity he uses when he comes home from work? Hmm

OP posts:
floofycroissant · 13/12/2020 19:21

You couldn't rent a decent room in most house shares for £400 per month. How long have you been together?

Your kids and your home are your responsibility. So do what's best for them in terms of claiming whilst unemployed. Your DP should totally understand that and that 2 adults, kids and mortgage cannot survive in £400 a month.

Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:22

@Manolinette

Not meaning to be unhelpful at all.

Throw cock-lodger out and never expect anyone else to pay your way at any time. Strong message that.

Christ.
OP posts:
BlairCorneliaWaldorf · 13/12/2020 19:23

I’ve read all your comments but I’m sorry I also don’t really understand.

Why don’t you have any childcare? Nurseries are open, as is after school care.

If you supported him through unemployment he should be supporting you in return but not sure why he should be supporting your children?

MassiveSalad · 13/12/2020 19:25

Just boot him out. If he's that much of a prize then you could always keep shagging seeing him as a boyfriend, but he certainly isn't a partner. Show him the door.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 13/12/2020 19:25

Tbf general advice is not to pay towards someone else's mortgage unless you get a share though.
Which is probably where your problem lies as well.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/12/2020 19:26

I don't think it's fair for him to have to support a full household including two kids that aren't his - your children should be your financial responsibility

I tend to agree with this. However if he is living with you, you can't claim any of the usual unemployment support.

I would explain this to him and say he either needs to step up and support the household, or move out (allowing you to access it other support). How he responds will be a good indicator of his view of the relationship.

Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:27

@BlairCorneliaWaldorf

I’ve read all your comments but I’m sorry I also don’t really understand.

Why don’t you have any childcare? Nurseries are open, as is after school care.

If you supported him through unemployment he should be supporting you in return but not sure why he should be supporting your children?

No breakfast or after school clubs run at the village school. No childminders locally with spaces either.

I’m not asking him to support my children but I can’t support my children with him living here when he earns so much.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 13/12/2020 19:28

Chuck this useless son of a bitch out, don't live with him for 20 years like I did.
if he can't return the favour then he needs to live somewhere else. Go onto UC and get a lodger.

MrsWhites · 13/12/2020 19:29

Disappointed gold digger? - the OP would clearly make an absolutely shit gold digger since she moved in with the man when he was earning absolutely nothing!

Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:31

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Tbf general advice is not to pay towards someone else's mortgage unless you get a share though. Which is probably where your problem lies as well.
So, if I lived in a rented house it’d be ok for him to contribute? Makes no sense to me I’m sorry.
OP posts:
Original poster
Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 19:32

@MrsWhites

Disappointed gold digger? - the OP would clearly make an absolutely shit gold digger since she moved in with the man when he was earning absolutely nothing!
Grin Thanks, a gold digger I am certainly not lol
OP posts:
WhatKatyDidNxt · 13/12/2020 19:33

Cocklodger. Time to chuck him out. So many men today want everything both ways. He either gives you £7,200 and pays £400 going forward OR he pays the going rate. He can’t cherry pick the nice bits from both options

MrsWhites · 13/12/2020 19:33

Also if you enter a relationship and move in with someone with children should you not expect to take a certain level of responsibility for the financial side of living with children, especially in a job loss situation like this? I mean at what point does a potential step parent become responsible for some level of financial support?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 13/12/2020 19:34

Oh and for people calling you a gold digger. You’re a shit gold digger and need to up your game! After paying his way for 1.5 years

mummmy2017 · 13/12/2020 19:35

Remind him he owes you 18 months at £400.
As he thinks that is fair.

HeckyPeck · 13/12/2020 19:36

Have you asked him outright why it was ok for you you to pay all of the bills, food etc when he was out of work, but now it's the other way round he only wants to pay £400?

And an answer of "it'll be ok" isn't acceptable.

I doubt he'll be able to give an answer, but maybe it will make him realise how selfish he is being (if he's actually a decent person)..

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