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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong to think DP is not getting it

126 replies

Duskypinks · 13/12/2020 18:54

Ok so, I’ve always been the main earner in my home, there’s me, DP and two kids (mine not his)

I have spent the last 18 months(ish) supporting DP whilst he was in and out of work so he was not contributing to the home, at all. He moved in when he had no job

Recently, things have changed and due to covid I am now unemployed and he’s now the main wage earner, earning as much, if not more than I was. The long and the short of it is that he basically wants to give me £400 a month to cover bills...obviously this doesn’t go anywhere near what it costs to cover the mortgage or the bills so I am now going to have to work either nights or weekends to make up the shortfall.

I am hating not working, I’m used to working full time so I have no issue in working nights etc if I have too because I have no childcare.

What is annoying me though...when he wasn’t working I just paid everything. He’s not willing to pay any more than he has been and doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so worried about it.

AIBU to think he should step up and help? It’s my

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 13/12/2020 21:09

WHY did you pay for his car and everything else for 18 months???

TatianaBis · 13/12/2020 21:09

I have to say in his defence, he is amazing with my children and loves them dearly and them him

He doesn’t love them enough to pay for them. How ‘amazing’ is that?

TatianaBis · 13/12/2020 21:11

His motive for moving in was clearly a mum and a cushy life in a nice house. The reversal of circumstances has shown his true colours enabling you to dodge a bullet.

Twigaletta · 13/12/2020 21:15

Ultimately you literally cannot afford for him to live with you. You could afford for him to live with you while you were earning and he wasn't. I'm amazed he can't see the moral responsibility in a partnership where you have already helped him yet he won't return the favour. Presumably he moved in with you because he couldn't afford to live on his own whilst not earning?

Scottishskifun · 13/12/2020 21:16

Sit him down with dates and costs that you have covered. Explain very clearly how much you have covered in the past because you were in a partnership and now you are simply asking that he does the same in return.

If he cannot or will not cover the bills whilst you job hunt then explain that you have to ask him to leave as you risk loosing your house and getting into serious debt issues as you cannot claim anything.

You can't be clearer then that and at least it lays down the severity of the issues.

I have covered my husband through 3 redundancies without a second thought and he would do the same if I was in the same situation

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2020 21:17

@Scottishskifun

Sit him down with dates and costs that you have covered. Explain very clearly how much you have covered in the past because you were in a partnership and now you are simply asking that he does the same in return.

If he cannot or will not cover the bills whilst you job hunt then explain that you have to ask him to leave as you risk loosing your house and getting into serious debt issues as you cannot claim anything.

You can't be clearer then that and at least it lays down the severity of the issues.

I have covered my husband through 3 redundancies without a second thought and he would do the same if I was in the same situation

^^This.

And show him the difference it would make to your money with him not there.

The ball is then in his court.

LaceyBetty · 13/12/2020 21:20

What is the point of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't have your back when you need them to, but let you carry them? Really sorry to read this OP. I don't think he is a good man at all.

Longdistance · 13/12/2020 21:23

Oh my days. He’s been poncing off you, and just when you need help he refuses to help?!
Get rid! You’d be better off.

changedmynameforChristmas · 13/12/2020 21:26

Cocklodger

im5050 · 13/12/2020 21:36

Even if you go on to UC they won’t pay your mortgage for you for at least 9 months and then they will only pay the interest which may need to be paid back at some point I think
At best with 2 kids and no rent or childcare to pay you would get around £800 -£900 a month

Noidontwantmootard · 13/12/2020 21:42

Whatever the practicalities. Yanbu to ask him to leave. It is hurtful of him to say he will not support you short term when you have supported him. I couldn’t get over that. I do not agree he cares for your children otherwise he would not behave as he is. He would not want to see their mother struggle.

quizqueen · 13/12/2020 21:46

Your first mistake was taking him in when he had no job, your second is not sorting out a proper financial contribution from him ( including arrears) when he got one. A lodger pays £400 a month, a working partner pays half of everything.

Dashel · 13/12/2020 21:51

What about him paying you back rent and car loan payments? That fits in with his logic 18 x £400 plus car money ..... I’m guessing he won’t see that as fair so supporting your partner only works one way in his world?

SimplyRadishing · 13/12/2020 21:54

Fuck me. The responses are hear are laughable.

So you spent 18 months treating him as family, as a team.
18 months carrying the load for you both and now he wants to give you 400 a month ALL in including bills and food.

For context I gave my mum that much as subsidised living when I moved home in 2005 to save for a flat. In our house right now our total bills are £400 And food is £400 So he is literally paying to cover the bare minimum despite the fact you've been subbing him for 18 months.

I would invoice him for the 18months you covered him for and kick him out in the next week.
What a dick head

You are not a team.

This would kill the love in my relationship.

FOJN · 13/12/2020 22:03

I would invoice him for the 18months you covered him for and kick him out in the next week.

Please make sure you get a back dated contribution. He needs to be told he can't have his cake and eat it. I'm not surprised he's reluctant to move out, £400 all in is a bargain, I'd move in at that price and rent my house at a profit. Grin

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2020 22:07

Have you actually pointed out to him that he owes you/you supported him for 18 months to live in YOUR house, which he didn’t pay a deposit on (could he have afforded the deposit for a rented flat/mortgage) doubt it) He’s being ridiculous. Have you looked at the benefits you’d get if he buggered off?

Sewrainbow · 13/12/2020 22:07

If he is going make sure you get the 18 months of "rent" he owes you. So sorry he didn't turn out to be the part of the family you treated him as Sad

Whatthebloodyell · 13/12/2020 22:18

I assume that as you have childcare problems now that he is working, then he must have looked after them before? So not totally cocklodger useless.

But cocklodger or not, he’s a pretty crap partner if he isn’t willing to help you out in your time of need, if he is able to afford to do so. £400 is a pretty insulting offer really!

But what is your plan to sort out childcare and get back to daytime full time
Work? If he was to contribute more than £400 a month, how long might this be for?

Heyahun · 13/12/2020 22:27

Yeah getting him to leave is the only solution I think!!

LoveInTheTimeOfCorona · 13/12/2020 22:49

@Sewrainbow

If he is going make sure you get the 18 months of "rent" he owes you. So sorry he didn't turn out to be the part of the family you treated him as Sad
Yeah, totally this!
AngryPrincess · 13/12/2020 23:00

Break up with him, then offer him a place at the very reasonable rate of £800 pcm.
Not really, I think you have just found out that he is mean.
You might be able to negotiate more money from him, but if he ‘s not offerring it now, he is mean, and probably always will be.

Good luck with getting your own job sorted!

Newkitchen123 · 13/12/2020 23:18

Is he younger? He sounds immature. Where did he move in from? Parents?

oldshoeuk · 13/12/2020 23:58

So I'm looking at it from his position, and he's on thin ice. It's your house, your mortgage, and you're not married.

So if you split up tomorrow he gets to walk out with a suitcase, you get everything else. I'm not saying there is a reasonable or easy answer, but if he was my son/mate I would be telling him to squirrel away his money until he gets his name on some deeds, because legally, yes he's just the lodger.

To flip the problem, why don't you either marry or put him on the deeds? If that sounds like a bad idea, how can his plan not sound like a good idea to him?

If there isn't a long term future he needs to secure his own housing sooner, not later and you need to decide what future you're trying to achieve.

BlueThistles · 14/12/2020 00:39

He had no job or income for 18 months... OP paid for everything for him including his car.. he paid for nothing .... would you be proud of your Son then ?

Redred2429 · 14/12/2020 08:29

Op he definitely needs to move out so you can claim support

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