Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

Throw the whole man in the bin.

I agree with pp saying don't leave your baby with him again. He has warned you he can't / won't look after him properly, and pp such as 2bazookas are right to point out all the red flags here. It sounds like a frightening situation. I would try to find alternative childcare so you don't have to keep ringing in sick, but I wouldn't go in if your only option is to leave baby with your partner - he's told you quite clearly that he's not safe with him.

Rather than focusing on him, focus on your baby and yourself. He cannot be that clueless. Sounds like he is deliberately being "clueless" so you just pick up his slack. He also sounds bloody lazy given his solution of him doing less in terms of work and around the house whilst you have the honour of paying extra childcare!! I don't buy the him being stressed. He needs to man up.

Why does he get to decide that he 'can't do this anymore? What if you decided that? There's no 'can't' when you have a child. Point out to him you both made this baby and you have equal responsibility in looking after it.

He should pay for a nanny/nursery if he is incapable of looking after 1 child.. Useless git

You must make sure your job is save - you will need it and don't fall pregnant.

Fucking hell OP. He is outrageous. I agree in principle with going to work and turning your phone off but in reality your baby is being neglected. What I woulsnt do is leave your job. I would leave your husband though. What a tosser.
Can any family or friends help until you get more childcare?

If he is motivated to get himself together and parent then he can approach the health visitor and the children's centre on Monday morning who will support him in learning parenting skills and the HV likely with accessing his GP if needed for MH support. They may know of parenting groups or courses he can access, your local library will have the lists of where the baby groups take place on his days where he can get modelling, teaching on what to do, emotional support.

I just would need to know he was very, very motivated to sort this, and see evidence of it. This situation can't drift on, the safety issues here are serious ones.

I don't think the OP is in a situation here where she can afford to try to teach her partner a lesson.
He's endangering the baby by not giving him sufficient food and drink. He's getting frustrated and he's said he can't do it.
I'd sooner give up work than come home to a shaken baby.
Get a sick note, get your affairs in order. Send him to his parents, organise more child care so you can work (you'll get assistance for funding with just one income).

You need to get him away from the baby. let him work on himself but not in the house.

He pays for the extra nursery days as it’s him who’s insisting on it. You need to contact your local children’s centre and ensure he does a parenting course ASAP. He’s completely incapable and it’s not normal. He needs to do a course that explains about the child’s needs and how to meet those needs.

I’m not often left speechless with an OP and updates but my goodness he is one manipulative arsehole who is behaving not just bad but appallingly to:

1. not look after their child
2. reduce their working hours and money
3. will expect you to increase your hours to cover the loss (no doubt)
4. expect you to pay the additional nursery costs

All the red flags are a very clear warning to you to get out. Children can be difficult especially at that age when they can’t communicate well what they want or need. But they didn’t come with a manual and you have managed well for the past 9 months, I’m just so shocked that someone (who I guess wanted this child) would treat them and you so appallingly. And this after just 2 days of looking after your little one.

You call him dp and you rent. Walking away won’t be easy but at least your not contractually bound to him in marriage or mortgage.

Move on and keep safe. Tomorrow phone your health visitor.

@2bazookas

What leapt out at me from your post, was this

DP has a short fuse and stresses easily
DP says his mental health is collapsing ( and mentions work is also stressful)
DP "I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. "
" I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors'.

The baby (under dressed) had not been fed or given a drink, fell asleep in the highchair. (which probably ,means he screamed himself to sleep).

RED FLAG. What matters here, is that your DH is dangerously close to breaking point and the awful neglect is a clear indication the baby is at risk

Note, he describes the baby as uncontrollable, screaming and hitting (food away). My bet; DP's actually describing himself. His nerves are at screaming pitch, he's at the point of hitting out, he's losing control. And as soon as you get in, that's exactly what happens, he loses control, shouting and slamming doors.

  Your baby  was in real danger .His father  repeatedly  , urgently  sent the urgent  message he can't cope, he's at breaking point, come home,  help.   Those are the circumstances in which struggling, desperate , stressed-out   parents snap, lose control; and hit, violently shake or throw a child to the ground.   With tragic results.

   All you said about DP';s crap parenting is true;  of course you are angry resentful and taken advantage of; you want to work nursery is expensive.   Its a mess and its not fair. But  none of that has any importance right now,   compared with keeping your baby  safe

    DP's right; he can't do it.  Please, please  believe him.</div></div>

I've quoted the whole post because I think it's absolutely spot on.

Hear what he is saying. He is desperate, and he is telling you he can't do it.

I know that leaves you in an absolutely impossible position, but you have to act in the best interests of your child. It's not safe to leave your baby with your DP - the post above lists all of the things that you have yourself highlighted have happened. He isn't coping and I agree that there is a danger that he is going to snap.

I don't think he's a lazy fucker who can't be arsed to look after his baby, I really believe that he is on the edge and you need to act to keep your baby safe.

Absolutely gave me warning alarm bells reading OP,s thread.
Babies are seriously harmed or killed by reluctant males who are given childcare duties.

Please don’t risk your child.
Look up shaken baby syndrome.
An angry father who tells you
“ He can’t do this” is NOT A SAFE CAREGIVER.
He forgets basic things like water, feeding, pity you didn’t realise before having a baby what a useless parent he is.

A health visitor said many men dislike the drudgery of small children, don’t risk your son’s life.
A single blow given in frustration could be catastrophic.
Your DH clearly has anger issues.. door slamming &c.
Walk away , he is unlikely to ever be a safe caregiver.

He needs to shape up or ship out to his mother’s house.
Your and his first responsibility is to a small baby; he needs to get that into his head, or he needs to go. Don’t stop working , he needs to provide more , you and your child can’t live on air!

I could have written this EXACT post 13 years ago!! Ex DP would “forget” to feed our DS, change his nappies, he’d sleep through baby crying in the night as he “didn’t hear” him... in the end I resented him so much that I ended it. It was easier just raising my DS on my own as at least I could do it and not resent my ex for being a shit father. By the way- 13 years on, he’s still a shit father.

How much has he actually parented in the last 9 months without you guiding him? Have you ever gone out and left him with baby before now?

It's so important for fathers to feel equally responsible for the baby. He's had 9 months to practice and hasn't bothered... shock - it's not easy! He sounds like one of those Dads that thinks mat leave is a break and you're sitting around watching TV.

He needs more practice, but it doesn't sound safe to let him 'practice' without supervision. So every day you're both at home now, he's in charge.. every one of them until he can do it. If that's not an incentive to learn, I don't know what is! Don't bail him out when he asks what the baby needs, and don't take baby back when they're crying - just tell him calmly to check the list you wrote. He needs to figure it out for himself. (But you'll be there as a safety-net.)

Oh come on, No one 'forgets" to feed a baby.
So, your 9 month old baby slept through lunch time, what was the Big Boy doing ? playing on the console, making his own lunch, smoking, looking at facebook....
he doesn't even want to work 3 days out of 7, poor little snow flake.
He is leaving you all the responsibility, & the work to put the house back together after your day at work... You will be tired, you will be angry, then he will get angry he gets no sex.... Your relationship is on a hiding to nothing.

One last chance you say ? Good Luck with that

...should have added, I don't know what you do about the days you're supposed to work though. It's a shame you burned 5 days of leave already.

Maybe he should take some days of leave now and stay off on your day with baby so he can get extra practice?

This was scary reading. He's more work than another child

The worst thing that you can do is quit your job, become a SAHM and accept him working less

The baby is 9 months old and the mistakes that he is making (like not offering a drink!) are serious. He's clearly not pulled his weight until now and it shows.

I get that some people aren't natural routine people but they would set alarms on their phone as reminders etc so that their job is made easier.

I rarely post on useless dad post's. However I 100% support the view that you child is at risk with this man. I would do what uou need to do to get alternative childcare and NOT leave him with this man for a moment.
I would not leave this man with my child for a day. While I went to the hairdressers or popping to the shops.
I think he spends his days off on drugs and probably still foing so hense the abject neglect your baby is experiencing.

Ignore the last paragraph of my orevious post. After reading more and more I actually agree that I would not be leaving ds with dp again tomorrow and would be contacting SS to report my concerns about him, whilst also asking him to leave. If he needs time to sort himself out, see GP etc then he should do that without having the responsibility of a baby who cannot protect itself.

The short term answer is extra nursery days and you both share the costs. People underestimate how stressful it is working and caring for a demanding baby on your days off not to mention fitting in household chores.

I would not leave the baby with this man. He sounds unstable and dangerous, imo. He is deliberately neglecting the needs of a baby, and I would also be worried about him physically abusing the baby when he won't stop crying. Get rid of this loser.*
^^
This
I think he is dangerous to your baby. The shouting and slamming doors suggest he can't control his temper. I'd be really worried in this situation.

OMG leave this man immediately. He’s is neglecting your sense and if you don’t leave him then so are you!

Sorry typos! I am angry, he dehydrated your poor baby! I pray you throw him out tonight