Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

What leapt out at me from your post, was this

DP has a short fuse and stresses easily
DP says his mental health is collapsing ( and mentions work is also stressful)
DP "I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. "
" I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors'.

The baby (under dressed) had not been fed or given a drink, fell asleep in the highchair. (which probably ,means he screamed himself to sleep).

RED FLAG. What matters here, is that your DH is dangerously close to breaking point and the awful neglect is a clear indication the baby is at risk

Note, he describes the baby as uncontrollable, screaming and hitting (food away). My bet; DP's actually describing himself. His nerves are at screaming pitch, he's at the point of hitting out, he's losing control. And as soon as you get in, that's exactly what happens, he loses control, shouting and slamming doors.

  Your baby  was in real danger .His father  repeatedly  , urgently  sent the urgent  message he can't cope, he's at breaking point, come home,  help.   Those are the circumstances in which struggling, desperate , stressed-out   parents snap, lose control; and hit, violently shake or throw a child to the ground.   With tragic results.

   All you said about DP';s crap parenting is true;  of course you are angry resentful and taken advantage of; you want to work nursery is expensive.   Its a mess and its not fair. But  none of that has any importance right now,   compared with keeping your baby  safe

    DP's right; he can't do it.  Please, please  believe him.

@Backbee

You can't leave the baby with him alone again, I know that sounds extreme but you know he gets angry, 'forgets' to feed them or give them a drink during the day, and has outright said he can't do it. For your child's sake, not his, you can't leave them alone. He needs to pay towards more time at nursery.

Agree except I'd go a step further. The baby isn't safe with him and you need to leave (or get him to leave). There are tonnes of red flags in your OP, and more in the updates.

Stop making excuses for him. Plenty of parents live with mental illness. It's not an excuse for abuse.

No one 'forgets" to feed a baby. This is abuse.

Choices come with consequences. He is looking to hand off all the pressures and responsibilities in his life on the grounds of being too anxious and unable to cope.

Ok. Then he has realistically three choices.

1. He does what a good father does, and he puts the needs of his child first, he pulls himself together and he works hard to sort out his major lack of parenting competence and take care of his child despite his challenges. He does this now , with real effort, while swearing to you that he will not leave the baby unfed or watered or expose the baby to his shouting and slamming around ever again. This may well involve sorting out his medication and any other MH support he feels he needs, but this is his job to sort himself and parent his child safely. Not yours or anyone else's to do for him.

2. He ups his hours and pays for nursery to cover some or all of his care time, so his child will be safe, cared for and in good hands when you are not available and he is choosing not to provide care. Again, his choice.

3. He moves out and lets you have the financial and practical freedom to sort things out yourself in a way that works for you and your child. His relationship with both of you will be up to him to work on or give up on from that point; his choice as to whether this is a permanent separation or a temporary one while he gets himself together. He will need to realise that this will come with him paying child support.

I'm as worried by the shouting and slamming around when the baby is making demands of him as I am by the leaving a baby to dehydrate and go hungry. He is not being a safe person for a baby to be with, and he needs to know this has the potential to leave his child with lasting fears and anxieties from these experiences.

He needs to decide: is he a dad, or is he someone in need of care who can't be responsible for a child at this time? And if its the latter, he needs to figure out how he ensures his child's needs are met while he can't do it, because that's how parenting works.

Does he actually have mental health issues or is he just workshy?

He can’t be arsed to work FT, he can’t be arsed to look after his kid.

Unfortunately you seem to have lumbered yourself with a lazy git.

What does he like doing? Playing computer games?

Tell your health visitor immediately

so if you do nights when will you sleep because you still cant leave him alone

hes pathetic what does he bring to your lives

@user42579522

He's deliberately sabotaging your job. Why is he not sharing the cost of nursery?

This. Its his child too.

also i dont have dc i still know they need a drink its basic

he sounds like hes kicking up a fuss so he gets his own way-of doing nothing

Did he remember to have a drink himself over those ten hours? Lets imagine he somehow genuinely forgot to give the baby a drink, surely he would then notice fewer wet nappies.

Hes had 9 months to master looking after his child, its hard work as they’re tiring, but it isn’t rocket science and you don’t need to be brainy to do it well. You would think basic common sense would go through the obvious things if he didn’t know why little one is crying, check nappy, offer food, offer water, physical comfort etc. To identify the particular need. You don’t just phone someone to do that for you. But more importantly he should want to actively meet all of his childs needs, rather than do the bare minimum to keep the baby alive.

We all get overwhelmed, we all get stressed, none of those things cause us to neglect our children.

If he would like more nursery days thats fine, he can organise nursery, pay for it and do drop off and pick up. But its very sad that he wants to reduce the time he spends with his little one when he has the luxury of being able to work part time.

He sounds babied, indulged, spoiled. It is honestly making my foot itch reading about him.
Did you explain to him the seriousness of what he's done?

I think you need to have a very firm and very frank talk with him about responsibilities and if he won't or can't act like a grown man with a child I'd sack him off.

You'll probably be in a better position going it alone if you rent already once you factor in universal credit, child maintenance and childcare you'll probably be better off and less stressed without him in your life than with him.

What a pathetic excuse for a man - I'm not one to jump to LTB but in this case I would.

He's sabotaging you. Ask him if he isn't ashamed or embarrassed by being so useless with his own child. Turn your phone off.

As PP said - put up wall charts (large and in red) everywhere in the house with things ''to do'' for every 1/2 hour or so. Make him buy baby books on ''How to....''. Ask him how he sees the future working out and whether he minds if you break up because he is so incapable and unhelpful to you and the baby?

Most fellas would not forget about giving the baby a drink OP. I bet he had a drink during the day. Stop making excuses for him.
You have had to write food on a checklist. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know I don’t know what will

I couldn't switch my phone off as suggested. But given your post I couldn't leave my baby with this man. He sounds like a spoilt child not getting his own way or caring about his childs wellbeing at all. I bet he didn't go all day without a drink!

Do you think there are genuine mental health/depression/anxiety problems, or is he just being g a selfish lazy fuck? If there is a genuine concern then maybe some hand holding is needed as well as him getting help. Write a proper schedule out for the entire day, make sure you cover variables, like if bubs oversleeps etc. You prepare all his water bottles, leave them next to the food, on the high chair, in his play pen etc so bubs can get them himself and Dad has lots of cues that the water is there. Also put it on the list that baby needs water, snacks etc...

If he is just a selfish lazy fuck, then I'd be seriously considering the future of my relationship as there is no way I would want to be with a man who puts his own needs before our child. I'd be very concerned for my childs safety. What if he just forgot to strap him into his highchair/car seat, forgot to give him medication when ill. Worse, what if he loses his temper on hurts the baby or leaves him unsupervised.

To me you having to pay child care costs is a red flag as in, your child your responsibility, hes just a sperm donor.

OP. Please go and read again the posts from 2bazookas and MichelleofzeResistance
You are getting accurate and informed advice about safeguarding your child. This man's behaviour is a direct threat to your child's safety . You are the only one (at the moment) who can safeguard your child. You need to protect your baby from him at all times and if you can't do that then you must speak to Social Services who have the power to do that in your child's best interest.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

Ok , so is your dp expected to work from home the days he has the baby? This isnt something that can work Secondly you are not going to have a worry free day are you , and saying turn your phone off is silly because you will worry even more . Your child needs proper childcare arrangements, then once this is in place you need to work out how you will be parenting on your own from now on .because your baby's father is worse than useless and he is bringing you more stress and worry . One thing at a time . Childcare Your job and finances Single parenthood

I don't think the OP has said that he works from home, has she? They each work 3 long days.

Terrible situation to be in OP but I do think your minimising his behaviour. A good dad (which he clearly isn’t) feeds their child, knows to give them a drink, lets them rest etc. It’s not rocket science and the bit about working less hours but more nursery hours just pushes it even further. What part of his behaviour/what he does day to day makes him a good dad or who you want to be with? If you answer this honestly then you know exactly where you stand and what you need to do.

This is beyond ridiculous.

If he can’t do it on his days then he has to pay for nursery. Why should you pay when he is at home. He should pay and do drop off and pick up on those days too.

I dare you to phone him 20 times and demand he comes home next time he is in work. Every sniffle, every cry every time food is dropped on the floor should get a call.

@CustardySergeant

It is not safe to leave your baby in his "care" even one more day.

This.

@HollowTalk sorry I wasn't sure .

You can not let this man sabotage your earning potential. Do not let him force you to work less. He has already shown You that you can’t rely on him for support.

You should have equal amounts of fun money left over each month, so as the higher earner you might pay more, but not so much that you are suffering. He absolutely needs to pay for child care.

You need to be open to more nursery days because you have to work. I would make it clear to your dp that he either figures this out ASAP or picks up more work and baby goes to nursery.

For the short-term, I would write a very detailed schedule including meals. You shouldn’t have to do that, but don’t let the baby suffer for principle.

My DP has our ds two days per week on his own. My ds is 2.5 now and we have another on the way. I don't hear a peep a day. DP might do things slightly differently to me but ultimately ds is cared for.

I understand the pp saying he us trying to sabotage your job... but if he is how awful is it that he is using your baby as a weapon- neglecting baby to prove a point. Even if he isn't trying to sabotage your job- how can a grown adult be so incompetent? Because I agree with pp I can guarantee he didn't forget to make himself a drink all day!

If the next day for him to care for baby is tomorrow I would be having a very serious and blunt conversation tonight. Either he steps up and stops neglecting baby on his days or he can pack his bags tomorrow night. I so rarely say things like this but he is making yours and babys life harder and I can't see what you have to lose from issuing an ultimatum- apart from a dp man baby you have zero respect for!

The early years of a child's life are critical and set the foundations for how they will live their lives as adults. This substandard care that your partner is giving to your baby WILL have consequences if you let it continue, you just may not see them for a few years. It's not just physical health that's at stake here, don't forget the mental aspect. You don't want your child to have a foundation with some of the parts missing, therefore you need to take action.

You need to get your baby away from this man and I think your focus needs to switch to how you can make that happen.