Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:
Whoopsies · 13/12/2020 17:12

Yep, if my dh had to be at home 2 days a week with our 1yo he would struggle, but he would do it and learn and adapt I'm sure. You taking 5 days off sick so he can have a break from his own child is ridiculous. He needs to grow up.

minnie465 · 13/12/2020 17:12

Agree with other posters. Don't leave your baby with this horrible man. it gave me a bad feeling reading your posts.

Lazypuppy · 13/12/2020 17:14

OP surely he looked after the baby on his own at some point before 9 months? Surely he's done breakfast, or naps etc??

Its practice with babies, the more he does the easier it gets

KaptainKaveman · 13/12/2020 17:15

He sounds awful OP, and to be frank I would not want to leave my baby in the care of someone with such a short temper combined with what I think - sadly - is envy. Sad. He is jealous and who knows where that could lead?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 17:15

You will not be able to live with yourself if his neglect or anger causes your child to be hurt. It shouldn't fall to you to be the one solely responsible for your baby's safety but he has shown he is unfit to have a baby in his care. It's too late for another chance.

tenlittlecygnets · 13/12/2020 17:18

Did he have anger issues before having the baby? If you really think he's taking drugs again, for god's sake don't let him look after the baby.

Has he apologised for being so useless? What job does he do? Is he actually anxious or just lazy? Why on Earth doesn't he pay half of nursery? What does he do with his spare time if he only works three days a week??

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2020 17:18

This is so upsetting to read. Your son deserves to be cared for properly, to feel safe, be nourished and have a calm peaceful home in the care of people who love and cherish him.

The screaming, banging around, missed meals, no water, shit tip surroundings and stressed, angry, resentful, neglectful father are dangerous. He’s a small baby. His needs are so simple and to hear they’re not being met and he’s around so much horrible drama is appalling.

You know you’re making excuses for him. Have you ever forgotten to give your baby a drink? Why not? If you did wouldn’t you feel traumatised by guilt? You’re annoyed and concerned but you’re minimising the extent of his utter failing and still expecting too little.

Please leave him. Do whatever you have to to get your son and yourself safe and away from him. You need to tell someone, HV, GP, nursery, what’s going on so there’s a record somewhere of what he’s been like.

2019user44 · 13/12/2020 17:18

I have worked on cases where someone has, for a split second, lost their temper and shaken. But that is all it takes. The consequences of that split second are unbearable and irretrievable. Do not leave him tomorrow or any time. Consider leaving. If you leave him in the full knowledge he can’t cope, you are in danger, if anything goes wrong , of being criticised by Children’s Services. I would think very carefully about what you do next. Look at your options on EntitledTo which should give you a breakdown of what Universal Credit you would get as a single parent. You may find you’d be better off financially, but most importantly your baby will be safe. I hope you are ok OP. This must be really hard but please don’t leave your baby tomorrow x

lioncitygirl · 13/12/2020 17:23

Jesus Christ what a fucking useless father. Do you trust him with your son Op? I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to work and concentrate while worrying about my child at home with a father who does not give his child water. My work will suffer and I would lose my job. You need to reconsider everything Op. sorry.

DrManhattan · 13/12/2020 17:26

@2019user44
Great advice. I hope the op takes it on board x

Christmasfairy2020 · 13/12/2020 17:27

Any grand parents to help?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 17:28

@2019user44

I have worked on cases where someone has, for a split second, lost their temper and shaken. But that is all it takes. The consequences of that split second are unbearable and irretrievable. Do not leave him tomorrow or any time. Consider leaving. If you leave him in the full knowledge he can’t cope, you are in danger, if anything goes wrong , of being criticised by Children’s Services. I would think very carefully about what you do next. Look at your options on EntitledTo which should give you a breakdown of what Universal Credit you would get as a single parent. You may find you’d be better off financially, but most importantly your baby will be safe. I hope you are ok OP. This must be really hard but please don’t leave your baby tomorrow x
OP - read this. Then read it again. And take it in. Don't be complicit in negligence.
Yohoheaveho · 13/12/2020 17:29

long term I'd be looking to drop him
he thinks he can just be a passenger
he's a waste of space:(

Blubellsarebells · 13/12/2020 17:31

I can almost guarantee you will be financially better off without this loser.
£400 a month is all he's contributing? Pathetic.
Uc pay up to 85% of childcare and a rent element.
And most importantly your baby will be safe.
Get him out, the sooner the better.

Yohoheaveho · 13/12/2020 17:32

@PhoebeSnow

He needs to shape up or ship out to his mother’s house. Your and his first responsibility is to a small baby; he needs to get that into his head, or he needs to go. Don’t stop working , he needs to provide more , you and your child can’t live on air!
his mother wont want him to be her problem... that's why she's minimizing his dreadful behavior,
ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 13/12/2020 17:32

Question for people who know about this - can OP do anything to prevent him from getting the baby 50:50 on separation? Doesn’t sound like he’d want to in this case, but I want to know whether it’s important to keep evidence of his neglect? Would it be taken into account legally?

randomer · 13/12/2020 17:34

What? Poor kid.

Yohoheaveho · 13/12/2020 17:34

£400 a month is all he's contributing?
really??
add up the cost of his keep, food, the utilities he consumes, the 25% reduction in council tax you'd get etc
he's dead weight
get rid

MaybeNew · 13/12/2020 17:34

You need to leave him. He can’t or won’t work, do childcare or housework. If you want company, get a pet.

You don’t want to have him living off you like a parasite or setting such a poor example to you child.

Yohoheaveho · 13/12/2020 17:35

it’s important to keep evidence of his neglect?
always keep a detailed log, better to have it and not need it than the other way round

ExclamationPerfume · 13/12/2020 17:38

It makes me so angry to hear about such useless father's. He needs to pull himself together and look after his own child properly. He needs a boot up the arse.

persistentwoman · 13/12/2020 17:40

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes
If the OP reports this to social services then yes it's on record and would likely disbar him from having future contact until he can demonstrate to them that he's safe to be around the child. But in reporting him she then has to comply with all their interventions and demands so it's bitter sweet.
However, if someone did report him to social services and then she would have to evidence that she is prioritising her baby's safety over the partner - likely to be by ensuring that he moves out and away from the child.

Yohoheaveho · 13/12/2020 17:40

So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house
he's like a small child who hasnt yet learned to control his moods....and this angry out of control child is in charge of a tiny baby
this is NOT good
one expects a father to be instinctively protective of his tiny child, even if he does feel a bit all at sea when caring for said child
this man is just irritated and prepared to make the baby suffer because he doesnt want to be 'lumbered'

MustardMitt · 13/12/2020 17:43

Hungry?
Thirsty?
Dirty?
Tired?
Bored?

That’s the checklist. Might be a combo of more than one. He is a useless prick.

I’d be having a serious conversation, he knows at a basic level what would upset him as an adult - it’s the same for babies, they just don’t have the same way of letting us know and can’t resolve the issue themselves. He needs to buck and be a father, put the child first. If he can’t do that without kicking off, then he’ll need to go to nursery.

Ask him what he thought was going to happen once the baby was born?

TokyoSushi · 13/12/2020 17:44

You would be better off on your own. He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

Swipe left for the next trending thread