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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:

carlywurly · 13/12/2020 16:13

Op, can you talk to your line manager or hr at work? Please don't put your job at risk - you will need it if things go more wrong with your partner.

They will be sympathetic and supportive if they're a decent employer - we would be.

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/12/2020 16:13

Sounds like he doesn’t have any empathy for his child

Does it not occur to him that he is a person with feelings, wants and needs?
Does he not feel the urge to satisfy them, seeing as ds is a helpless baby?

These are the questions I would be asking your DP

Base his ability and motivation to parent on his answers.

vdbfamily · 13/12/2020 16:14

Can I just ask whether he had had days alone with baby prior to you returning to work? Learning all that stuff takes some time and it's why the first few weeks after first baby are such a blur. If you have provided all care for 9 months and then just expected him to know in a day YABU, but if you made a plan between you where he learnt all those skills in advance then he is being unreasonable now.

CountTessa · 13/12/2020 16:15

What everyone else said. And if he needs a day at home when you are at work he pays the childcare... I mean I don't see why you're taking that on anyway. It should be a shared coat but ...

Eviebeans · 13/12/2020 16:16

I wouldn't risk leaving my child with him. Apart from the child being possibly hungry, tired, thirsty, wet they could potentially be slapped, punched or shaken. In my work I have seen all of these. I was concerned to hear his mum's view that it will work out and "that you need your time out of the house at work" as if going to work is for your pleasure. My bet is that she was very pleased when her son left home. I am a GM and I'm surprised that she is not more concerned for her grandchild. Is she in a position to help out in any way?

BrummyMum1 · 13/12/2020 16:16

Normally I’d call him a complete waste of space but knowing how stressful this year has been for so many people and how there’s absolutely fuck all activities or classes to do with a baby at the moment, I’d say increase nursery days and let him build confidence over time. I have a wonderful DH but after 9 months of intense covid stress, he’s finding whole days entertaining our young kids really overwhelming. Saying that, I don’t think he’d forget to give them lunch or a drink!

HackAttack · 13/12/2020 16:18

I recommend you approach any discussions with clear absolutes.

If you want more nursery this is your cost to bear. This does not change if you do less hours. Present him with this as a baseline and work from there.

Is his typical mollycoddling mother nearby? If so he can take baby there are she can share the burden and teach him the skills she clearly failed to equip him with.

Thighdentitycrisis · 13/12/2020 16:19

IMO He doesn’t need a checklist or a reminder on his phone, other than a reminder that he is responsible for the care and wellbeing of a baby

maddiemookins16mum · 13/12/2020 16:20

Please don’t have another baby with this plonker.

oakleaffy · 13/12/2020 16:21

@Snowfl
Get your husband to pay nursery fees.
I’d be EXTREMELY WARY of leaving your DH with a baby, as he clearly loathes it, and men have lashed out at crying babies that won’t settle with catastrophic results.
Shaken baby syndrome.
Often caused by an unwilling father and a screaming baby.
The dad just shakes the child in a red mist of rage..please don’t risk it.
Men are not natural babysitters, even for their own children, and an entire day is too risky.

Get him to pay for quality childcare.
🤞 good luck

slipperywhensparticus · 13/12/2020 16:22

I wouod be fucking terrified of leaving a man that slams around the house in charge of a small child I would be leaving him getting a good childminder and keeping my job

whatwedontknow · 13/12/2020 16:23

@SarahAndQuack
I think to an extent this is a fair point, but it's not an excuse, and it will damage the OP's relationship and, potentially and maybe more worryingly, her financial and emotional health.

It’s not an excuse but it is a reason why so many babies are neglected and he is neglecting his baby. Undoubtedly that will damage their relationship. This is why I asked what he was like before. I was shocked at the number of posters who were saying let him get on with it or tell him to step up.

If my DH was neglecting my DC to the point I had to take sick leave I would leave him, find childcare and claim UC. IRL that doesn’t always happen though.

combatbarbie · 13/12/2020 16:24

Not very often I'm speechless but WTAF??

The baby is stressed by not having basic needs met and then picking up on your partners stress and panic.

He needs to man the fuck up quite literally....

SarahAndQuack · 13/12/2020 16:24

[quote Snowfl]@SarahAndQuack how did your partner overcome his issues? I feel like mine wants to have his cake and eat it. Work less days but put baby in nursery more. As I said he's okay if we are both here I tried to prepare him by getting him to do lunchtime feeds, reminding him it's dinner time etc but clearly something isn't working.[/quote]
Yes, that's very much how I felt and I was angry.

I think he's being lazy and manipulative (and I thought the same about my DP). Sorry. But it's the truth.

I was pretty furious with DP for a long time and I'm still cross about it. We ended up having three years with a lot of rows. The end result is she does get that she was repeating a lot of the frankly awful patterns her parents acted out (which sounds as if it might be the case with your DP, given what his mum says).

But I think the big thing DP struggled to get, and still doesn't fully get, is that having a baby is hard. It's hard for everyone. It's not magically harder for him than for you, and he's got to stop acting as if it is.

I also think is sounds really lazy to want to work less and also have the baby in nursery more. With DP, I had to do masses of sitting down and talking very frankly about where the money was coming from.

I don't think I'm any good for advice, TBH, because obviously if I knew what I was doing this wouldn't have happened with us. But my unqualified hunch is that I should have been much more direct much sooner, and stopped pandering to the 'oh but it's so hard for me' line.

SarahAndQuack · 13/12/2020 16:25

[quote whatwedontknow]@SarahAndQuack
I think to an extent this is a fair point, but it's not an excuse, and it will damage the OP's relationship and, potentially and maybe more worryingly, her financial and emotional health.

If my DH was neglecting my DC to the point I had to take sick leave I would leave him, find childcare and claim UC. IRL that doesn’t always happen though.[/quote]
YY, I do see where you're coming from.

I think a lot of people saying 'just let him get on with it' are not really thinking about what it would be like to leave a child to be mistreated. You can't realistically do that.

ravenmum · 13/12/2020 16:26

DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going
He wants to drop a day as work is too stressful aswell apparently.
He was pxd antidepressants but doesn't take them. He told me a long time ago he was big into drugs but doesn't do them anymore and I haven't suspected anything but now I am wondering
he's shouting and slamming doors

If he was "just" being a manipulative shit I'd still potentially leave a child in his care.
If there's a chance he could really have mental health issues I would not be so keen.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/12/2020 16:26

Can he move back in with his mum? She can baby him, keep an eye on 'his' days so the other baby gets water (FFS) and he can still contribute financially to the household.

You can't be full time at work, do all the parenting and work nights while looking after a child in the day. That will ruin your health and the child needs you because the other parent is a waste of oxygen.

BobsYerUnclee · 13/12/2020 16:27

I wouldn't leave my baby with an angry, incompetent person, regardless if that person is their father or not.

He's failing his duty of care.

Don't put your child in danger by leaving him with this man.

1FootInTheRave · 13/12/2020 16:27

You need to leave.

The absolute waste of space you have procreated with is abusive and seems unlikely to change.

I get the calls for "turn your phone off", but, I don't think it will end well. I think the baby would come to harm.

Scottishskifun · 13/12/2020 16:28

@Snowfl your MIL is making excuses for her son. No its not typical male behaviour to forget to offer water or to get angry at a baby.
My husband had our baby from 9 months every week day as we did shared parental leave although he had difficult days when he was teething at no point did he do any of the behaviours you have described and I have zero concerns about my husband looking after our son.

YoniAndGuy · 13/12/2020 16:28

[quote Snowfl]@yearinyearout I would like him to work extra and contribute more so I could do the childcare and drop days that would work but he says his work is too stressful hence he wants to drop a day. If he drops a day he will only take home 800 a month. 400 of which I get for house baby etc. I have suggested he swaps careers then new job etc but it falls on deaf ears. Even his mum says he's too anxious to swap jobs it would be too much pressure on him and he would be nervous. Ive never seen this side to them before but I feel like he is babied[/quote]
Yes, utterly babied and indulged. And this is the result - 'men' who swagger around like Golden Balls who actually have no more ability to use their common sense to deal with, and have adult patience with, everyday situations than children, and end up tantrumming like toddlers.

And they wonder why women eventually get rid.

BobsYerUnclee · 13/12/2020 16:28

Oh, and do yourself a favour and sack the scrounging fucker off.

He's bringing you down more than you'll ever know.

Hailtomyteeth · 13/12/2020 16:29

He is neglecting your child who might well come to harm. You need to re-think your relationship, quickly.

This is horrible for you and your baby. I'm sorry it's happening.

grassisjeweled · 13/12/2020 16:29

Another feckless male.

One thing about lockdown, a lot of them have been exposed.

BobsYerUnclee · 13/12/2020 16:29

@1FootInTheRave

You need to leave.

The absolute waste of space you have procreated with is abusive and seems unlikely to change.

I get the calls for "turn your phone off", but, I don't think it will end well. I think the baby would come to harm.

Second this.

I have dreadful thoughts of harm coming towards that innocent child.

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