Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

Having read more I would say ignore my last comment and just leave. Mental health issues are one thing but he is sabotaging himself as well as you and the baby, you can't do everything and he is an adult

[quote Snowfl]@RedToothBrush he doesn't neglect him when I am here. When this happened the other night his mum said to me its just the crying he can't handle. So I've said to him he hasn't cried once with me today he's been fine stick to the routine and checklist. I know I really need to get my act together it's just so hard to have the courage to do it. He does frag us down your right but he has never been all bad but if he's telling me he can't look after our son then we can't have a future and that's it. His own sister won't let him mind her child as she says he's short fused. I have never seen him lose his temper with the baby though he would be more inclined to throw something or slam doors back and forth to release anger. I know even that is wrong. Deep down I would love to move back home closer to my own family raise my child there with them but it's frightening the though of leaving my job searching for new employment giving up house etc it's all such a big change[/quote]
''It's the crying he can't handle''

This is what is so terrifying.

Every battered baby was bawling before he or she was shaken, or seriously hurt or worse.
The noise drives people who are unstable to do crazy and dangerous things on the spur of the moment.

If his own sister won't have him as a minder, that speaks volumes.

Haven't read the whole thread but OP, one thing you've said really stood out to me, how you're scared of making such a big change in leaving him and moving back to be near family, looking for a new job, etc.

Honestly, I don't want you to feel worse, it's a really shit situation you're in, and none of it your fault, I have a huge amount of sympathy but, I don't understand how leaving is more scary to you than staying with this man? If you were contacted by the police tomorrow to say he'd hurt your baby it sounds like you wouldn't be that shocked - how does that not terrify you?

I don't know how you can even look at him knowing he deprived your baby of water all day - MH issues or not there is no excuse for that, none. He's a disgrace.

Please protect your baby, however you need to - jobs/income/relationships are replaceable - your baby needs to be safe.

"I have never seen him lose his temper with the baby though he would be more inclined to throw something or slam doors back and forth to release anger."

1. It's a slippery slope. Now he's throwing an object, next time it's your baby.

1. Throwing something with your baby nearby is dangerous. A glass could smash, a heavy object could hit him, sharp pieces of any item could blind your child.

As I say I was in a similar situation. I went out for 2 hours when on maternity leave leaving my ex alone with 6 month old. Received constant messages. I came back to find baby on the floor on his back appearing fine but a wooden side table near the baby absolutely smashed into tiny tiny pieces. This was a fairly heavy well made table. The anger and rage in my ex must have been so intense that he could find all that strength for such a prolonged period to break something so big and heavy into tiny pieces. Again he said he couldn't cope with the crying. That is a very concerning comment and so many parents who have hurt or killed their babies have said the same thing.

I made the decision after that that my baby would not be left in his care alone.

He too was a dick who wouldn't pay nursery but I paid it all myself. Yes I got into debt as it was unaffordable and I had to live off my credit card but every penny was well spent to buy me peace of mind and my baby's safety. It will be tough financially but it's not forever.

The warning signs are there. You cannot leave your baby with this man just to save money. Find a childminder, get into debt if you have to but do not put your baby in risk. You will never forgive yourself. Those that are saying he can cope but chooses not to...do you want to gamble your baby's life to find that out?

My toddler has been late in meeting milestones and there is always a part of me that wonders if something happened to him on that day.

Please please sort immediate childcare.

Oh lord please leave him. This poor baby

@Snowfl I can’t believe you had an innocent baby with this man knowing his uselessness and previous drug problems and his mental health issues he refuses to get help for. Your poor child. Sort it out now before it’s too late and something happens.

Your partner really cannot cope...definitely put your little guy in to nursery. There is absolutely no point in analysing his failings. Your son is the priority.💐

You need to leave this disgusting man. No post has ever made my blood boil so much. He is neglecting your child terribly, this level of care is bordering on abuse.

No job is worth this, tell your work you need some emergency unpaid leave as your childcare has fallen through and then sort something out, or use the nursery and insist DP pays in full for the days he’s too useless to look after his son properly.

He’s an abomination.

Can you move nearer your family and still keep your job? Getting away from this guy sounds like a plan.

You're going to be doing all the parenting, paying childcare and supporting 'D'P. Might as well just look after yourself and ds.

@Eekay so sorry you went through that aswell. I really hope the OP reads our posts as its was once of the worse times in my life and I've had some horrendous ordeals in the past. But the thought of nearly loosing our dgs and having to jump through ss hoops for nearly 2 years to prove he was safe with dd and us was absolutely mind blowing terrifying. OP please please please don't leave the baby. Your latest updates show a sulking manchild who hasn't got his own way and says he doesn't know how he will be tomorrow if the baby cries. When my dgs dad was allowed supervised contact only that I facilitated in my home, I was warned by ss not even to leave the room with them alone together. Dgs dad was very short tempered and also a control freak and we had many battles with him. Eventually because he wasn't in control he just didn't turn up one day and we haven't seen him for 3 years. If he wants contact with dgs again he has to go through ss and it Will always be supervised. My dd was traumatised by the whole thing as was the rest of the family as we were under ss scrutiny for 18 months and it is honestly terrifying. Please put your baby first and leave him to the single life he obviously wants back.

I first thought, "Turn off the phone," but...thinking of P's (will NOT qualify that with a "D") anger, I am actually worried for the physical safety of your baby. You need to consider that this man may actually be dangerous. DO NOT have another child with him. Reconsider your option. And require parenting and anger management classes for him, or GET OUT.

OP I know you’re probably asleep but I just wanted to say that I sometimes find MN can be a bit alarmist in many areas. I rarely get involved in threads like these for that reason.

However, I have spent lot of time in the courts for work during the past 20 years and your situation is ringing some really horrific alarm bells for me. I recall two cases in particular where a man who was coming out with near identical phrases to your partner has killed a child. I won’t put the names on here because their parents might be reading but can I urge you not to leave your baby with him tomorrow please? It’s not worth the risk. Truly.

Ask him to leave, move home and you’ll be able to see more clearly the danger your baby could be in.

You are putting your baby at risk if you leave him with this pathetic excuse of a father. Grow a pair for god sake and get rid of him or leave. Stop making excuses for him, he is a danger to your baby. This is a serious child safeguarding issue and I hope MN HQ are going to step in and check this out.

@Oliversmumsarmy

What exactly is he bringing to the table apart from £400 per month and a lot of stress

Pay for childcare and get a lodger.

If he was on his own how would his MH cope with having to look after himself. Pay bills, budget, look after Ds on his own for 3 days per week or pay out for child maintenance

It sounds like his drug use has affected him more than he realises.
I wouldn’t be living with someone who couldn’t cope with looking after his own child for a couple of days per week. Babies are pretty simple in that if they cry it is more than likely because they are hungry, thirsty, tired or need a change or just sometimes they cry and need a cuddle.

If he can’t work that out for himself then he is either as someone upthread said thick or cruel.

He is definitely sabotaging your job.

This.

A lodger will pay you £400 a month and give you less stress.

In the meantime do NOT get pregnant. Use contraception that YOU are in charge of, not him.

Do NOT change your work to nights or you will end up watching the baby / cleaning the house all day and working all night. You will have a breakdown or an accident due to exhaustion.

OP. I hope you are able to contact your boss in the morning to give yourself a chance to organise alternative childcare and don't leave your baby with your partner tomorrow. Best of luck

Wanted to add, I don't know if this has been mentioned previously but it's only a matter of time (hopefully!) before he is reported to social services. If I heard a man shouting, slamming doors, etc whilst a baby screamed I would phone the police straightaway.

I'm worried for you op if your concerns are only expressed to him and his mum - you can see by this thread how horrified posters are. Please don't become desensitised to this - it truly is one of the worst things I've read on here.

There is absolutely no excuse for his abusive behaviour to your baby, none.

You need to act before the choice is taken away from you.

God op move home. Get away from him.

If you sat down and thought about all this carefully OP, you'd realise you would breathe easier and be stress-free without this man. I'm not saying it's easy to walk away from a relationship. But sometimes - It's harder to stay. Think about how finances and childcare would work. Source info on what help you'd get. Then make a decision.

Just don’t, don’t, don’t leave your baby with him OP - he says he can’t cope, his sister knows he is a danger and his mum is basically telling you he can’t manage just in the hopeful, played down manner of worried mothers - you actually know he’s a danger, you just can’t believe this is happening and you want to normalise/rationalise it, have a lazy ass partner not a child abuser one - I get that, but it’s a false reality. You have one chance OP, a chance to believe him, his family, people with experience on here - you have to acknowledge the reality before it’s too late - have no doubt that if anything happened you would be found as culpable as he - even if nothing dire happens imminently or it’s a minor incident, or a social referral by others then you are at risk of losing your child anyway through failure to protect. It’s so hard to realise you’re in a real life drama, but hoping it isn’t really one, or you’re just overthinking is a road to hell. I said don’t leave your baby with him - actually don’t leave yourself there either - just go - if family can’t help then a refuge or social can - screw work, screw your home - your baby’s life, and yours come first then everything else can fall into place later. I always think MN is a bit quick to say LTB but honestly you can’t leave this guy quick enough. Take care.

Bloody hell sounds like you’ve got two babies.

I was married to someone like this. It doesn't get any better and you end up over functioning frantically to try and compensate for their angry nasty refusal to manage their feelings and grow up.
I left when my kids were 9 months and two but not before he was violent to me. He graduated to that from door slamming and throwing things.

Does he WANT to have your dc and is just unempathetic and feels out of his depth or does he not want to do it at all? Once my dp took our first child out for six hours and despite having two made up bottles with him, forgot to give her a drink at all and couldn't understand why she was crying. He was being thick. He felt so, so terrible and never made such a stupid error again. He's now a great dad but he wasn't always naturally empathetic in the early days, didn't put a coat on them or realise baby was tired etc etc. Did your dp feel terrible about his failures and does he really want to do better or is he begrudging about the whole thing?

Your dp is not coping. Your child could end up being harmed. Please stop entrusting your childs care to your dp when you are not present. Your dp has told you and shown you in so many ways that he cannot cope. I know that you must be disappointed and perhaps angry about the situation however as the Mother you have to think about what is best for your child. Your child has you as the only adult who appears capable to make decisions to keep them safe. At the moment, DP CARING FOR YOUR CHILD IS NOT THE RIGHT THING AND COULD LEAD TO YOUR CHILD BEING HURT.

Sorry op but reading the short fuse and suspecting drugs and diagnosed depression, fuck that. Forget my last post, I wouldn't be trusting him alone.

There is absolutely no way I would leave my precious baby with a parter who is borderline abusive/neglectful to his child.

Absolutely this.
Sorry OP, this must feel like an awful pile on when you’re trying to process a lot. But your baby is in danger. Please step up and protect him by removing him from this situation.