Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 19 20 21 ··· 26 27

Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 13/12/2020 22:40

Leave.

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 13/12/2020 22:40

OP your updates are more and more serious.

Your baby is priority here. One push, one lost temper, failure to feed, soothe, give water.....serious, serious situation. Too late to say "I wish I hadn't left my baby alone" if harm was to come to him. This sounds like a crisis. Work, your relationship, all other stuff is secondary to keeping your son safe. Please urgently get your baby into a nursery, talk to a health visitor, and decide what you're going to do, because a mentally ill person who refuses meds and has anger issues CANNOT be left with a vulnerable little baby. Wishing you every strength.x

Christmasbeach · 13/12/2020 22:41

I would say LTB but why should he get off Scott free? I bet he’d go back to his mummy and she’d cut off the crust from his sandwiches.

Tell him while you’re home he should spend every evening watching YouTube/baby books on how to be a parent.

I was 9 when I’d watch my younger cousin at family parties etc. I knew then there’s hella lot of things that make babies cry - is it the nappy? Is it too tight? Is the outfit uncomfortable? Thirsty? Bored? Need a cuddle? I was bloody nine.

Tell him that he needs to ring his mother, health advisor and maybe get him a Mumsnet account for him to ask ‘I’ve barely held my 9-month-old child until now and for the past ten minutes he’s crying... why?’

changingnamesforthis · 13/12/2020 22:45

@Yesmate

If I knew you IRL I wouldn’t hesitate to report the danger your baby is in.

I would too.

I think the OP has a lot on her plate and possibly not able to see the wood for the trees at the moment, but this baby needs protecting.

okokok000 · 13/12/2020 22:45

"He doesn't neglect him when I'm here". But you said earlier that you do everything so yes he does.

nanbread · 13/12/2020 22:48

Haven't read the whole thread, but have read your posts, OP, and I'm struck by how much is about organisation issues - does your partner have ADHD?

I wondered that too.

It's an awfully situation to be in OP and I really feel for you. To give an alternative point of view...

I have definitely called my partner at work before saying I'm not coping and crying and shouting down the phone. Sure I slammed a door at some point too.

Not proud of it but my MH was poor, my baby screamed for hours and hours on end, didn't sleep night or day, and I often couldn't leave the house because of it. I couldn't get anyone to help me improve the situation, I couldn't get adequate MH support, I had no family support, and DH worked out of the house 12 hours a day.

I never harmed my baby (well maybe psychologically I did, who knows), but it seems that many of you would call me a useless, lazy, shit mum who should not be looking after my own child.

Maybe he is useless lazy and unfit, but maybe a little compassion wouldn't go amiss either.

gulpgulpgulp · 13/12/2020 22:50

The baby would be terrified of all the sudden and loud bangs of dad slamming doors and throwing things! He might be crying from the hunger, thirst etc and on top crying even more from being scared. Poor baby! A man isn't a dad when they think they can "choose" if they can do this or not!

fullofhope100 · 13/12/2020 22:52

@Duemarch2021

Ooohh i didnt read the full thread sorry.. yeah I'd be worried actually...

So sorry - I didn't either. Will read the full thread now. xx

NRE20 · 13/12/2020 22:54

Just to add to my last note. I agree with other posters that you shouldn’t go to work tomorrow, or leave your DS with your partner, until you’ve had time to have some coparenting days to see how he copes taking over the routine. If anything in his actions or words seems like a red flag, seek immediate help. Better to overpay for childcare in the short term, than something bad happens.

CatholicKidston · 13/12/2020 22:55

Get him out to fuck, he's a danger to your child.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 13/12/2020 22:58

So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. This alone would have had me out of work and home so I could kick him out/leave with the baby. He's a child abuser. Neglect is abuse. And psychological abuse due to how scared the baby would have been from the shouting and banging.

I don't say that lightly btw. I was a single parent. Yes it's hard but it's so much easier than living with someone as awful as him.

Redburnett · 13/12/2020 23:00

OP you are minimising to a ridiculous extent. Stop pretending you can solve this by taking half a day off work/going sick/telling him to visit his mother etc. You can't, he won't change now, not after 9 months. Your baby is scared of him, that is why he cries, he is probably terrified of his father. Stop wasting your energy on this appalling man and prioritise your baby. There was a clue in your opening post when you referred to 'watching the baby'. The baby needs to be taken care of, not watched. Please do not leave your baby in the care of this man who is clearly incapable of looking after him.

lifebytheby · 13/12/2020 23:02

There is absolutely no way I would leave my precious baby with a parter who is borderline abusive/neglectful to his child.
If you have to work and don't have the option of becoming a SAHM, then I'd up to 5x a week and have my child in nursery the entire time. He's better off in nursery than with your partner! And the weekends you can spend with your baby.
What a shut situation OP

lifebytheby · 13/12/2020 23:03

*shit

emsworth · 13/12/2020 23:05

Safeguarding is just that ~reducing risk and keeping safe.
The evidence that your child is at risk is clear.
what are you doing to reduce this risk?
A list/timetable with no evidence this has worked is NOT safeguarding.
Separate your emotions from the facts.
Added to the clear facts of neglect and loss of control, there is NO motivation for change.
This is not going to work and will get worse.
The facts are clear, how you feel about them is clouding your judgement.
You can not go to work knowing your child is at risk with someone who does not want to change their behaviour.

AurorasGingerbreadHouse · 13/12/2020 23:07

My ex used to call me and say he couldn't look after baby. Baby crying too much etc. This after quitting his job meaning I had to be the breadwinner too! He was abusive and it escalated from situations like this to physical and sexual violence when I wouldn't do what he said

DailyCandy · 13/12/2020 23:10

You are leaving a defenceless baby at home with a man who is neglectful at best, abusive at worst. He's giving you ample warning - if anything happens to your child when he's with him, you're just as culpable as he is. I'd be getting the fuck out of there.

LouiseTrees · 13/12/2020 23:11

[quote Snowfl]@RedToothBrush he doesn't neglect him when I am here. When this happened the other night his mum said to me its just the crying he can't handle. So I've said to him he hasn't cried once with me today he's been fine stick to the routine and checklist. I know I really need to get my act together it's just so hard to have the courage to do it. He does frag us down your right but he has never been all bad but if he's telling me he can't look after our son then we can't have a future and that's it. His own sister won't let him mind her child as she says he's short fused. I have never seen him lose his temper with the baby though he would be more inclined to throw something or slam doors back and forth to release anger. I know even that is wrong. Deep down I would love to move back home closer to my own family raise my child there with them but it's frightening the though of leaving my job searching for new employment giving up house etc it's all such a big change[/quote]
You might lose your job anyway OP and if that’s the case please go live with family. At the start I did think maybe your other half had PND but the more you say I think he’s just an asshat, got that quite early on. Could you mother in law or sister in law not take emergency leave to help you out. Tell them you think you are going to lose your job.

Bananalanacake · 13/12/2020 23:15

So he gives you 400 pounds for the baby, bills, and 400 for himself, what does he do with it. Savings, spends it.

chipolte · 13/12/2020 23:16

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD WITH THIS MAN TOMORROW

OP, the reasons are irrelevant, your child is not safe with this man. Stop trying to fix this. Take an emergency day off.

Call Social Services, you need them.

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 13/12/2020 23:19

NeutralJanet
Go to work, turn your phone off and leave him to get on with it. He's a parent and needs to learn to get on with it just like you did, do not pander to this fake helplessness by phoning in sick to your work, that's playing right into his hands

I personally wouldn't do this. He is slamming doors, neglecting your child etc. I wouldn't feel safe leaving the child in his care. He has given you warning signs saying he can't cope and his mental health is being affected. I was in a fairly similar situation and have since separated.

He should be paying his share of the nursery but if he isn't you pay if for now until you figure out what is happening in your relationship. It will buy you some short term peace of mind. In the meantime you tell your other half to step up. Turning this into a battle where you switch your phone off could have dangerous consequences. Even if the chance of your baby being hurt is minimal it's not the worth the risk.

Concentrate on your job, keep your baby safe in nursery and then deal with him.

10pennychews · 13/12/2020 23:20

Stop rescuing him, stop taking time off work, stop enabling him or leave him, might as well if you have to do everything else.
if you don't you will find yourself trapped at home and doing everything still.

GabsAlot · 13/12/2020 23:21

hes not even trying now its just all excuses get yourself and whatever u need for baby and leave this man or make him go back to his mums hes no good to either of yiou

dont worry about your son hes tooyoung to remember him-better than a few years down the line

PerveenMistry · 13/12/2020 23:22

@N0tthe0nlyfruit

OP your updates are more and more serious.

This times 1000.

Sorry Op but I wouldn't leave a dog alone with him let alone a helpless infant.

GabsAlot · 13/12/2020 23:23

can i ask op did you move for him all his family seem to be near but not yours

Flip

1 2 ··· 19 20 21 ··· 26 27