Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

Give him a detailed routine timetable and tell him to stick to it. See how it goes and if things don't improve maybe the relationship isn't worth continuing with.

Get your baby into nursery tomorrow and get your situation sorted to make it safe long term. Don't leave your baby with this man. He's told you straight out he isn't going to take care of him. And his sister presumably has good reason to think he's not safe around infants. Does that not scare the shit out of you?

Remember his sister has know him much longer than you have OP, she's got his number...it might as well be '666' tbh

Ohhh op I feel for you.
How far away from your family are you?

Good plan about speaking to work for some emergency leave. I’d speak with your nursery too and out into place a short term plan for extra days - whilst you figure out exactly what’s happening and how to go forward.

I apologise as I haven't RTFT but he sounds like a complete fuckwit from your OP and updates. I realise you probably love him but he's actually neglecting your child's most basic needs. The depression angle is just that: an excuse. You seriously need to give him the boot before he does something really bad to your child.

IF you kicked him out tomorrow - and sorted out benefits, which you say would be more than he contributes anyway - and all you had to worry about was you and your baby - don't you think a huge, huge weight would be lifted from your shoulders?
If all you had to worry about was getting out of work in time to collect your child?
Instead of - let's not beat about the bush - worrying all day that a former drug user with mental health issues and a violent, uncontrolled temper has possibly battered your child to death or - best scenario - neglected him all day so he's dehydrated? Because that's what everybody here is saying to you - we don't want to read about another Child X in the papers.

A) Send him back to his mother’s.

2. Get an au pair.

Im all for chucking these people in the deep end and let them get on with it, but forgetting to give a baby water makes me go cold. I'm at a loss as to how you'd make this work. He wants to do less hours but won't look after/you can't trust him to look after the baby, so you'll have less money coming in and you'll have to pay more out for childcare.

If you were on your own you could claim back 70% of all childcare and get UC. I'm sorry op but I'm not sure how he thinks this will work. You can't be expected to do nights AND be on standby during the day. That's just ludicrous and you'll end up making yourself poorly and then who will look after the baby

It does actually sound a little bit like he doesnt want you to work.. is he a jealous type or controlling type? Maybe he got used to the idea of you at home and doesnt like the fact you have some independence back? Its not hard to remember basics like giving drink with food is it? That would stress me out so badly and i feel for you!!!! ... he sounds like he has his own issues... depression?? Maybe he has adhd or autism? Maybe he should see a dr about his feelings, men can get post natal depression as well as women.

You have a few options whilst he gets himself sorted really... 1. quit your job and make him work more instead 2. Make a list of literally EVERYTHING for him and leave post its around to remind him..and explain he will get used to it once he is in a routine

Ooohh i didnt read the full thread sorry.. yeah I'd be worried actually...

I really feel for you. This must be utterly draining, frustrating and worrying for you, at a time when you could really do with leaning on your partner to step in and help, while you get back into work, as a new mum.
Take his moods seriously, though, because it’s impacting on your son and if he’s neglecting his needs, even though it may be through ignorance, the last thing you want is for your partner’s mental health to take a dive and something happens to your DS. It sounds like he’s having early days panics. It can be terrifying being in charge of a little human life, that can’t tell you what he needs. With all the time you e spent looking after him, you probably make it look easy and your partner was surprised by how much harder it is in reality.
If you have a good relationship with your manager, tell them exactly what is happening and of your concerns, so that they know what you’re up against. Hopefully they can offer support in some way.
On the days you’re parenting together, get your partner involved in taking over the routine (after letting him know very clearly that you’re doing just that to help him get used to the routine, while he has you on hand to support, in case he needs to ask a question).
Your DS may be going through a bit of separation anxiety from you, if you’ve been the main carer right up until you returned to work. Your partner may be up against more than just the standard routine stuff, if that’s the case. His emotions and struggles shouldn’t be ignored, as it could cause him to get worse and run from the situation even more than he is. Heap praise on him when he gets it right and if he says “I can’t do this”, just reply with “it’s early days, so it’s bound to be hard as you get into a routine, in the same way starting any new job takes time to get the hang of. Keep going and run through the checklist of food/drink/nappy change/nap. Lots of cuddles, chatting to him and walks in the fresh air will help. You’ve got this”. Make it clear, you know it’s hard, but it’s just about time, and he needs to keep trying.
Don’t give him an easy out, but if he continues to push back hard, ask him to be part of the solution to finding an alternative. He should be willing to contribute more towards childcare costs, even if that means getting a second job to cover it.

OP “ I fear if I leave him he won't bother to see DC and that will break my heart for my sons sake.”

But it might be best for your son. He doesn’t sound like he can parent.

I understand the thought of moving is scary but if you can move and get support, ot might be better. What’s the £ situation?

If your partner can’t parent, or won’t parent, you would be better without him.

This thread really disturbed me. Please god do not leave your baby with him.
He's angry and slamming doors, screaming and calling you saying he can't cope, incapable of feeding a baby.
One day you'll get a call saying the baby has hurt themselves, had a fall, Not moving and he doesn't know how it happened.
If I'm agitated reading this I'm not sure how the hell you're doing living it

On a side note, he wants you to stop working to look after the baby, yet he also wants to work less? Who's paying for this?
He sounds absolutely horrific as a partner. Can't go shopping, nervous pacing, frantic phone calls. He needs help, but your child shouldn't be put in harms way while he gets it. If it was your sister or friend with these personality traits would you let them look after your baby? I doubt it.

His sister is telling you she won't let him look after her kids as he has a short fuse
There are red flags everywhere.

To be blunt op, if I knew this was going on I'd be looking at welfare checks if I was your health visitor etc.

I hope you get help sorted before something serious occurs.

He sounds about as useful as a chocolate tea cup

Oh my god. You updates are making me crazy. This man will not look after your child. You are leaving your child with someone who has a short fuse, is inept and needs a reminder list to give his child a fucking drink.

Do not leave your child with this man. Ever.

If I knew you IRL I wouldn’t hesitate to report the danger your baby is in.

You can't go to work tomorrow. You can't leave your baby in the care of someone who had told you that they can't cope and who cannot follow instructions. Short of actually harming your baby, he had made it very clear that he will not do this for whatever reason. The reason, by the way, is unimportant.

You need to stop trying to manage this situation, because you cannot solve these problems presented to you by your DP.

He will have to leave.

You will have to be the grown up here. It's shit, and I'm sorry but you don't have any option.

This is so disturbing I’m hoping it’s not real.

I'm so worried that the OP isn't reading these posts.

@CustardySergeant

I'm so worried that the OP isn't reading these posts.

If she’s due in work at 7, she’s probably in bed by now.

I rarely post but am just so, so worried for your baby and want to add my voice to those who are begging you not to leave baby alone with his dad again. Whether he is inept or lazy is irrelevant, he is definitely not safe to look after a helpless child whilst suffering from such serious MH issues and uncontrolled anger. Yes, I know that financial issues have to be dealt with but they are not so immediately crucial as a potential threat to your child’s well-being and, in all honesty, his life.

I agree with hoover

Please don't turn your phone off. You might find a childminder is cheaper & could do more flexible hours.

Don't leave your baby with his Dad if he's stressed and can't cope. His short fuse could mean your baby gets harmed.

Explain to work you need to get this sorted and take compassionate leave until you have childcare sorted. Can your parents or another family member step in?

I think long term you would be better off financially but also emotionally without your DP.

Has he always been short tempered?

You've received some really good advice OP, I really hope that you are taking this on board and don't leave your baby with this man.

Also, when babies are hurt at the hand of a parent, more often than not it's not a deliberate planned act. It happens from parents who have low parenting ability, poor mental health, impulse control, anger issues and those that are unable to put the needs of their tiny baby above their own. The younger the child the more risk of harm. Your DP certainly ticks most of those boxes.

You and the baby need to get out of there. My blood is running cold reading your posts. Your child is being neglected and you are being betrayed and exploited. Please, please LTB

he doesn't neglect him when I am here.
Oh well, that's ok then.

I would report you both to SS if I could. You either have no idea of the risk you are subjecting your child to, or are minimising because of logistics. Either are unacceptable given the feedback from PP and the comments you yourself have made.

Do NOT leave your baby with him tomorrow.