Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

@Nousernameforme

In your shoes I would be telling him to go and stay with his mum for a bit as he can't cope. Tell him it's for his own good he needa the rest etc. Then you phone in work tomorrow tell them he has left and you need to sort child care. Spend tomorrow getting on to universal credit child maintenance and looking for child care a child minder is often cheaper than nursery, with the aim of getting something sorted by weeks end. Honestly i wouldn't be leaving a baby with this man.

His own sister won't let him mind her child as she says he's short fused

This is reaching crisis point and he's saying very very clearly that he doesn't want to look after the baby.

Please Please DONT leave your baby with him tomorrow. Nousernameforme had a good suggestion.

Meds NOT working...

Please don't leave your baby with him tomorrow OP. I am really sorry you are in this position, but it would be a really dangerous thing to do. Call work, tell them the situation and then spend tomorrow working out a plan for childcare moving forward. I've just got a really bad feeling in my gut about this situation.

He sounds like he has anger issues. Given this snd the fact he has evidently neglected the baby, I’d never want to leave him alone with baby again. Who knows what might happen if you were to ‘leave them to it’ by not answering your phone.
On that basis it might be happier and safer for all if you left him :(. You’d get help as a single mum. And you’d not have this horrible stress hanging over you every day you’re not there. You get to still work, baby goes to good childcare on the days you’re working. Gvt helps.

Would your family help with childcare if you moved to be near them? It is scary snowfl. Don’t think of the whole thing all at once. It has to be done in steps.

1. Ring work at 7am tomorrow and explain the emergency.
2. Ring Nursery and explain the situation and ask fir an emergency place for your baby. At the same time, research childminders near to you.
3. Ask him to leave: tomorrow. Frame at is being temporary, needing space, feeling the pressure of work and baby and having a useless fuck to get rid of
4. Financial considerations can be worked out if you are sensible but you will not be able to bring your baby back (I’m sorry to write that down but I think we can all see what you cannot because we can be objective - your little baby, who didn’t ask to come on to the planet, is in grave danger.)
5. Start thinking long-term once you’ve got him out & made the baby safe. Apply for UC and council tax discount, etc, immediately. What are the chances of a transfer to where your family are? How much notice do you have to give to end the tenancy?

I think his mother is minimising because she doesn’t want to be asked for help with childcare and she doesn’t want to have to put him up.

This is so bad. I haven't read all other comments but my DH looked after 3 under 2 on occasion and then 3 under 3 fairly regularly when I was at work 1-2 days a week. Meals, nappies, naps, activities. Trust me, he's far from perfect but when he's with the kids he really steps up.

Does he not want to do it? Does he need to be shadowed for a couple of days?

Christ! He needs to buck up or you need to leave.
My DH looks after our 2 children just fine, they can do it, if they want to!
I've been on holidays away (pre covid) for 2 weeks and left him with both kids (4 and 1).

[quote Snowfl]**@DuckbilledSplatterPuff* @OnlyFoolsnMothers* he is not cruel not intentionally. Don't get me wrong I was tempted to report myself to SS as DP forgot to offer a drink to the baby. I think he over thinks it then panics and stresses and forgets the little things I.e a drink. I'm not making excuses I still think he's a twat and I'm furious for my child's sake but I don't know whether to help him or leave him. I am considering dropping my hours and maybe doing nights so I can be here in the day if needed granted I lose some sleep after a night shift but it's better than the current situation I think[/quote]
Leave him leave him leave him

He is embarrassing, useless, manipulative and totally useless.

Jeez, I'm worried for your baby, OP.
He's controlling you by neglecting your baby, or worse, the potential for injury.

@Potaoesgivemeheartburn nails this & I agree with the comment:

‘ I think his mother is minimising because she doesn’t want to be asked for help with childcare and she doesn’t want to have to put him up.’

He obviously thinks child care is your job. He has neglected your child.
Put baby in childcare and send thebill to him.

Honey, a tiny baby experiencing their carer slamming doors and shouting to release anger isn't learning anything good; this isn't a neutral situation. It does harm. Experiencing that sometimes your carer comes when you cry, and sometimes they make you feel better, and sometimes they don't is not teaching your child anything good, and isn't a neutral or cost free experience for them. I have every sympathy with how heart breaking it will be for you if your dp stops all contact with his child if you and he separate, but brutally, its going to break your heart a lot more, and for a lot longer, if you end up parenting a child with early developmental trauma through these experiences.

You are in a lousy situation that he's put you in, but the baby is in a worse one. The more you post, the more it sounds like he should not have another try tomorrow and hope for the best. He's not even willing to discuss the situation with you, never mind do anything himself to improve on it. I would be honest with work, explain a family crisis and sort childcare. Then it will come down to is he going to work the extra days to cover this, or is he moving out at least for the moment so you can manage financially by yourself.

@Potaoesgivemeheartburn

Would your family help with childcare if you moved to be near them? It is scary snowfl. Don’t think of the whole thing all at once. It has to be done in steps.

1. Ring work at 7am tomorrow and explain the emergency.
2. Ring Nursery and explain the situation and ask fir an emergency place for your baby. At the same time, research childminders near to you.
3. Ask him to leave: tomorrow. Frame at is being temporary, needing space, feeling the pressure of work and baby and having a useless fuck to get rid of
4. Financial considerations can be worked out if you are sensible but you will not be able to bring your baby back (I’m sorry to write that down but I think we can all see what you cannot because we can be objective - your little baby, who didn’t ask to come on to the planet, is in grave danger.)
5. Start thinking long-term once you’ve got him out & made the baby safe. Apply for UC and council tax discount, etc, immediately. What are the chances of a transfer to where your family are? How much notice do you have to give to end the tenancy?

I think his mother is minimising because she doesn’t want to be asked for help with childcare and she doesn’t want to have to put him up.

THIS. Please read this and please consider doing this.

His own sister won't let him mind her child as she says he's short fused

How fucking chilling. Don't leave your baby with him tomorrow. He's not a safe caregiver. You know this. You know you need to break up, you have to be brave and do it for your child.

Nousernameforme really good advice.
OP please take it X

Kick. Him. OUT. He's as useless as tits on a boar-hog!

Have you spoken to your family about this? I mean really been brutally honest about the way he's treating your child? Because if you were my daughter I'd be telling you to pack up and move home, even if I had to put you on a blow up bed and the baby in a portacrib. Even if we had to eat rice and beans until you found another job. And if you didn't want to pack up and move home I'd be down there in a flash to help you out and to make his sorry ass so miserable he'd run home to his own mama.

Please talk to your parents. Let them give you emotional support at the very least if they can't give you practical help. And the courage for you to do what MUST be done, for the sake and safety of your child.

Honestly OP - in your shoes I'd book the baby into nursery where you know he'll be safe and well looked after. That means at least that you can work without worrying.

Then I'd end the relationship and either kick him out/get away from him. Don't let him have responsibility for the baby until he's proved he can care for him.

Your partner is not your responsibility- he clearly needs MH support of some kind, but don't let your child suffer because of this.

I'm sorry to say this and it is absolutely unfair, but I would not leave my baby with this man, I see acute danger. I wouldn't stay with him myself either.

@Snowfl what will you do if he wakes up tomorrow and says I can’t look after the baby today?

I would not trust him with my child. Feels as though you have two children here OP.

I couldn’t leave my baby with this man. I’d also be struggling to have any respect for him at all, which would kill the relationship.

I think you need to work on a plan to do this yourself, while he independently sorts out his mental health and learns done parenting skills. If he can demonstrate in fine he can be trusted, great. I wouldn’t bet on it though. You need to protect yourself and your baby.

You said you were worried he would do something he would regret in the heat of the moment.

If that is the case you can not leave the baby with him alone again. Which is probably his plan.

I also fear he wouldn't regret it as he doesn't want the baby by the sounds of this thread.

Op you need to take a step back and look at your role in all this.

Your dp is neglecting your child. You are letting him.

If you dont do something about this now you may find someone else reporting it. Im sure your work colleagues are all concerned about the situation atm.

SO many red flags

Imo kick him out you'll be better off doing this without him. He can pay child maintenenence that can cover nursery that means you can stay at work and not come home to an upside down house and ... Too many red flags and reasons to mention . Hope you have a good support network and look into the freedom programme/etc

This guy just sounds like a complete loser. Did you plan to have a baby with him? Did you both actually want one?

Oh dear. How 'hands on' were you versus how much did you want to be OP before you returned to work?
Asking this because sometimes if DP's aren't involved initially, for whatever reason, then things tend to be not great/fair going forward.
Basically, your partner needs to get a grip and you need to step back and not feel as if you are a lone parent.
As long as you enable you DP, and as long as you step in he will continue in this manner.