Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

I fear if I leave him he won't bother to see DC and that will break my heart for my sons sake.

And?

The man neglects his child when he is around him.

He isn't interested in your son. Your son isn't going to grow up thinking his dad is great if he sees you in this state and what a giantic abusive bellend his father is.

And he will also, in time, learn its ok to be a giantic abusive bellend to his partner and to not pull his weight because he's never been told differently. And he will probably grow up shitting over you too because youve been so worn down by your partner over the years and he replicates his fathers behaviour unchallenged.

Is that what you want? Is that the future you really want for your son?

Add into that the financial hardship of you ultimately losing your job to become 'carer' for your workshy lazy selfish partner and what that means for your son.

How is that future looking now?

Is your sons heart still breaking over his relationship with his father? Or is he wishing things weren't so tight money wise, his dad wasnt so abusive and his mum wasn't so utterly destroyed by trying to hold it altogether because his father cant be arse to work out that children need feeding and demand attention?

Do you want to turn into your partners mother who makes piss poor excuses for why her son is a total deadbeat?

Think about it. Your partner brings nothing to your son's life. Nothing. He neglects him. Your son would be better off without him in his life.

In time you may find another partner who turns out to be the role model and hero figure to your son that this man can never be with the mentality he has. Or maybe you won't but lets face it, your son isnt losing out that way either anyway.

Call your MIL and ask her to come to your house tomorrow and help him with the baby - stress that you're worried he will hurt the baby if left alone.

Then you need to start planning for him to move out.
Find a childminder for your working days.
Claim Universal Credit to help with childcare costs.

And you can bet your life the dad would turn around and try and blame it on OP by saying ‘well I TOLD her I couldn’t cope’.

And he he’s not wrong. He’s showing you ALL the warning signs of a father who may go on to seriously harm or possibly kill his child - not coping and showing anger and aggression towards a 9mo baby are all clear as day signs.

He only has to shake him, be rough, squeeze him, strike him...and that’s just the physical stuff.

Never mind the door slamming, shouting and yelling, anger and bad feeling the baby is ALREADY being subjected to.

When the hospital call you and say your child has suffered catastrophic brain injury, do you know how this might have happened? What will you say?

@McCanne

he says his work is too stressful hence he wants to drop a day

What is he planning to do with all the days he isn’t working OR looking after his child?

That's a very good question I wonder that myself hence I'm not keen on the idea. I'm going to speak to my manager tomorrow and see if I can get leavento sort things. I've just went up to him and give it straight again saying it's not acceptable to forget to give him drinks if nursery did that we would be raging so it's no excuse for you. I've wrote him a list again of all the times what meals when nap time is etc although I diagd this the first time but worth a shot again. I've also did the checklist idea of hungry thirsty bored etc. His mum is only off wed and weekends works 9-3 other days so I've told him tomorrow to go to his mums for 3 to see her and bring baby. I've also said the minute you feel it's a bit much or even a glitch just call me and il come home. So he said okay thanks. I mean it's not ideal but at last minute I can't do anything else. I work at 7 so can't even ring nursery in am to see if they can take him. I may even ask my manager for a half day and explain circumstances. What I did not say that if he does that it will likely result in me telling him he has to go to work on himself and controlling his mental health.

Haven't read the whole thread, but have read your posts, OP, and I'm struck by how much is about organisation issues - does your partner have ADHD?

I think I'd take the heat out of it - so say that you both want the same things, you want your son to be well looked after, for there to be enough money coming into the house, and for each of you to feel like the other one understands them. And probably a lie-in now and then! And then work out how to make that happen - if he needs to have a list written for him, then so be it initially. Yeah, there are men who don't need that, yes, he "should" be able to do it all, but there are loads of women who don't have much of a clue about all of this and seek help on here about all aspects of baby care - shortcutting that process for him by giving him some tips isn't a terrible thing.

If he's not willing to do this and if he continues to be useless, then seriously consider your future with him. And agree with those who say don't have another baby with him!

Good luck.

From your last two posts I would be very concerned leaving this man alone with the baby. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so unfair but it is what it is and you have to make a decision about tomorrow.

Firstly he sounds incapable and secondly he's not even prepared to meet you half way and discuss it with you. He's stormed out. He clearly doesn't want to look after baby and resents being asked to. Ultimately he has said you are not listening to him about looking after baby and so you don't actually have child care in place for tomorrow and must find emergency cover.

As a previous poster said get your MIL to cover for you for tomorrow to give you time to work out another solution. She may look after another child but will surely step in, in an emergency. Tell her you are worried about her son's mental health since that seems to be her priority.

Even if you can't contact your boss tonight, you could try to contact them first thing. I hope you managed to get some support with this

as far as your 'partner' is concerned OP the baby is firmly in the category of 'not my problem'
he get's angry if you try to correct him, he has zero impulse control and cannot take direction from anyone
he's not all there, not fully adult
he's a ticking bomb....get yourself and your baby well away from the blast zone asap

OP, as others are saying this is not normal. His mental health is in no state to be looking after a child. It's hard to see when it's so close to home but you wouldn't leave your child with a mentally unstable stranger why a relative who is showing by his inability to feed a child for seven hours that his mental health is in no state to look after the child. I'm sure you manager would understand if you told her everything- she/he may give you some time to sort your current situation out, which in my opinion cannot be allowed to continue for everyone's sake.

wingingitsince1973 same story here with my DGS. Bloody terrifying. I was the one who discovered the bruises his father had left on him.
Hospital, police involvement, social services invading our lives for 18 months, court battles, DD and SGS living with us all the while.
You never think it could happen in your own family.
OP please, I feel like you're minimising this.
I'm so sorry for you but you can't leave the baby with his father.
The experience of my baby DGS being harmed has been utterly devastating and we're "lucky" as no lasting or catastrophic injuries.
You must safeguard your baby. This bloke is literally telling you he can't cope with anything, let alone the care of the baby. It's not safe.
Please ring the health visitor, GP, anyone, and get help and guidance on how to get this man out.
And you'll need to go to Court to prevent him having unsupervised access.
Awful for you. I know this is so hard, but your updates are really scary. Please wake up.

@RedToothBrush he doesn't neglect him when I am here. When this happened the other night his mum said to me its just the crying he can't handle. So I've said to him he hasn't cried once with me today he's been fine stick to the routine and checklist. I know I really need to get my act together it's just so hard to have the courage to do it. He does frag us down your right but he has never been all bad but if he's telling me he can't look after our son then we can't have a future and that's it. His own sister won't let him mind her child as she says he's short fused. I have never seen him lose his temper with the baby though he would be more inclined to throw something or slam doors back and forth to release anger. I know even that is wrong. Deep down I would love to move back home closer to my own family raise my child there with them but it's frightening the though of leaving my job searching for new employment giving up house etc it's all such a big change

[quote Snowfl]@RedToothBrush he doesn't neglect him when I am here. When this happened the other night his mum said to me its just the crying he can't handle. So I've said to him he hasn't cried once with me today he's been fine stick to the routine and checklist. I know I really need to get my act together it's just so hard to have the courage to do it. He does frag us down your right but he has never been all bad but if he's telling me he can't look after our son then we can't have a future and that's it. His own sister won't let him mind her child as she says he's short fused. I have never seen him lose his temper with the baby though he would be more inclined to throw something or slam doors back and forth to release anger. I know even that is wrong. Deep down I would love to move back home closer to my own family raise my child there with them but it's frightening the though of leaving my job searching for new employment giving up house etc it's all such a big change[/quote]
You are not there to parent you partner.

Im sorry but your mil saying its the crying he cant handle doesnt cut it.

He is fine with the crying when you are there. And the baby is crying because he is neglecting it.

He cant be arsed. This is not anxiety.

I suffer from bad anxiety. This isnt it.

His own sister won't let him mind her child as she says he's short fused.

Bloody hell.

Eekay I really hope the OP both reads and takes on board your post. From her last post she's still planning to leave the baby with this man tomorrow. It's terrifying it really is. I'm not being melodramatic, it's just that something catastrophic really can happen in the blink of an eye. It's not a risk I would take and I hope with all my heart that the OP doesn't take that risk either. What a worrying thread.

@Snowfl

Brief update so he's just home and I said look we need to talk about you having the baby tomorrow how are you feeling about it. He said I won't know until the day if he's okay then il be fine. So I said its 5 things is he hungry/thirsty is he wet/dirty, tired bored or in pain. I said where do you think you went wrong the last day. He's says idk he just wouldn't eat and was crying so I said do you think he might of been thirsty or tired since he didn't sleep. It's not too difficult if you stick to the routine times make sure he naps then he will eat for you. If he has a drink he will eat for you. If he's bored tired and thirsty he will cry. So he then says I'm not listening to this ffs if your so perfect stay at home yourself and do it. So I said and how will that work who will bring in the money for the house? So he said we'll then shut up and stormed off 🙄

Please, please kick him out.

As a single parent you will get far more help and your baby will be safe.

[quote Snowfl]@RedToothBrush he doesn't neglect him when I am here. When this happened the other night his mum said to me its just the crying he can't handle. So I've said to him he hasn't cried once with me today he's been fine stick to the routine and checklist. I know I really need to get my act together it's just so hard to have the courage to do it. He does frag us down your right but he has never been all bad but if he's telling me he can't look after our son then we can't have a future and that's it. His own sister won't let him mind her child as she says he's short fused. I have never seen him lose his temper with the baby though he would be more inclined to throw something or slam doors back and forth to release anger. I know even that is wrong. Deep down I would love to move back home closer to my own family raise my child there with them but it's frightening the though of leaving my job searching for new employment giving up house etc it's all such a big change[/quote]
You're the only parent in this family so I'm really sorry, it's down to you to make the hard decisions.

Check your benefit entitlements and get him out.

I honestly don’t think I could leave my baby with a man like this, it doesn’t sound like a safe situation to put your baby in. He obviously can’t cope and has already neglected him, you can’t let this keep happening incase something really horrible happens one day- you’d never forgive yourself.

I’d leave him and look into claiming UC and childcare grants. This can’t go on, your poor baby deserves better.

I'd firmly tell him he needs to get a grip, act more calmly and try to understand your babies needs. I'd also tell him that you are worried about work raising concerns and you've been asked not to take your phone out your bag unless on breaks. Then turn it to silent. There is absolutely no reason he can't do this - apart from he doesn't want to.

However, I do have one concern - is he likely to get physical with your child and how is he treating DC? Do you have any concerns he could harm DC?

Christ, fuck that. He is not a DH or a father, he’s just a complete waste of space. I wouldn’t tolerate it, it’s of no benefit to anyone. Wants to drop another day of work, as he finds work stressful, and then you can cover this shortfall. Utterly speechless. I wouldn’t put baby in nursery so he could have time off work doing fuck all. He’s having a laugh. I would get rid of him and put baby in nursery on days you are at work. Deadly serious.

How has baby got to be 9mths old and he has no idea of his routine or how to look after him if he has been home at least weekends with him? How have you enabled this? How can he not look after baby in addition to his job when he is not working. This is not a wfh situation where he has to look after baby on top, it’s all he has to do. Lazy, useless prick. Bin him.

I can’t understand how you are leaving your baby with him tomorrow. He is telling you and showing you that he can’t cope.

In your shoes I would be telling him to go and stay with his mum for a bit as he can't cope. Tell him it's for his own good he needa the rest etc. Then you phone in work tomorrow tell them he has left and you need to sort child care. Spend tomorrow getting on to universal credit child maintenance and looking for child care a child minder is often cheaper than nursery, with the aim of getting something sorted by weeks end.
Honestly i wouldn't be leaving a baby with this man.

Have you talked to your family about this? If you said 'me and baby need to move home' would you be able to stay with them whilst you got things sorted?

Yes it is all scary but you can't keep parenting your 'partner' so he doesn't harm your child.

Do you have time off over Christmas? Are you seeing your family during the 5 days that we can?

I know it’s a big step but I honestly think it’s best to leave him and go home where your support network is. You sound very intelligent and capable, you will be able to give your baby a much better life away from this man. I don’t mean to over dramatise the situation but he sounds like one of those men who would slam the baby too hard into the cot due to ‘stress’ from the baby crying.

There’s so much wrong with this situation. But essentially you have a child with a man who cannot control his temper and likes to throw things and slam doors when he’s having a tantrum. His own sister won’t leave her child alone with him. Think about what would happen to your baby when he has a tantrum when you’re not around. Don’t be complicit in this because you’re too scared to make changes in your life, because your inaction could have devastating affects on your baby. Don’t leave the baby alone with him.

@whatwedontknow

I can’t understand how you are leaving your baby with him tomorrow. He is telling you and showing you that he can’t cope.

I know. I can't get my head round it either. He's telling you it's not safe himself! I can imagine the worse happening and him saying "I TOLD you!" "It's your fault!" Please don't do it. Protect your baby.

‘ He was pxd antidepressants but doesn't take them’

This is a game changer.

Why does he not take the meds?
If they are working or he has doubt about taking them, then he as a responsible adult goes back to the GP or Pysch to discuss what to do next.

So many red flags in OP’s post...inability to cope, refusal to take responsibility due to a parent, undermining OP & then angling to reduce work commitments.

If he has MH issues, then he must tackle them with professional help NOW. Otherwise OP & bebe will be become hostages to his self-centredness & selfish refusal to sort himself out.

Well harsh maybe...