Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

I also get that it's upsetting to you to think that he won't bother with his son but what you are describing is incredibly serious and you are at risk of something serious happening to your child or potentially a child protection order. Your priority is your son.

You would be irresponsible and foolish to allow this man to spend another day alone with your baby.

It's not fair and it's not right that he can relieve himself of responsibly and leave you to pick up the pieces but your child's safety has to come first and that's the reality of the situation.

Leaving a child with a negligent 'caregiver' is negligent.

Again this isn't fair on you, not at all, but you need to really see that your relationship is over. He is not a suitable candidate as a husband or father.

Do not leave your baby alone with him - it's awful you're going to have to come up with another plan but you are going to have to.

This is heartbreaking. Your DH sounds like a total mess MH wise and lazy and selfish on top. He is NOT fit to parent right now. Maybe never. That is the fact of the matter. What are you going to do to keep your job and keep your baby safe?

You said you would get more in CS than he gives you a month- what is he really bringing to your life OP?

I'm so concerned about you and your baby, your DH sounds manipulative and unstable.

Your last post (at 20:26:56) is very very concerning, OP. I'm sorry but I really don't see how you can leave him with the baby tomorrow - or at any other time tbh.

Get him to pay for nursery. He’s clearly incapable . You can’t work knowing your child is not being looked after properly.
It’s too stressful on everyone .

So he then says I'm not listening to this ffs if your so perfect stay at home yourself and do it. So I said and how will that work who will bring in the money for the house? So he said we'll then shut up and stormed off
he's a lost cause, he has no intention of stepping up, you should focus on how to get rid with the least amount of stress to you and your child.
Dont tell him, dont tip him off in any way, he will just create hell because it's the only thing he knows how to do
just make a plan and leave, then he is no longer your problem

If SS get involved and learn you knew of these risks to your baby and didn't act to remove them, they will question your capacity to act in the best interests of your baby.

I should add - I was in a similar situation. Useless partner. I put my baby in a nursery while I was at my part-time work, spent all my earnings on the fees, meanwhile partner was at home 'unemployed', not lifting a finger, not even doing a bit of housework.
It was a financial disaster, and in the end I had to leave him.

Please please OP - do NOT leave your precious baby alone with this man.

I fear if I leave him he won't bother to see DC and that will break my heart for my sons sake.

What’s more important to your baby right now? Water, food and adequate care or time with a man who refuses to provide those basics?

OP, for your baby, leave or kick out the partner - tonight.
Phone work that you can't go in tomorrow and get in some real life support.
Stop messing around. You can't make the partner fit to parent. Your child can't look after himself.

@PerveenMistry

Reading the updates from OP it seems her partner has long had serious coping and mental health issues. She seems nice but I just want to beat my head against the wall. Why do so many women produce children with these useless sperm donors? It's so unfair to the child as well as setting the mother up for a miserable lifelong struggle.

If he was using drugs two years ago and can't even keep himself in clean clothing how on earth did he seem like a reasonable choice of co-parent?

Yes I get what you are saying but you read it time and time again. I think a lot of people just don't really understand the demands of parenting until it actually happens. There's so much pressure on parents these days, most families need two incomes and this constant pressure of juggling things and working around each other puts a huge strain on people. When my kids were little I looked after them all day then went to work in a horrendous stressful job running round like a mad thing all night. I

I would feel very concerned leaving my baby with him, sorry OP. If baby has to go to nursery more he needs to fund the days he "can't do". It sounds like he is quite happy to opt out of all sorts of things, blame his MH and expect other people to pick up the pieces. What would your financial situation be as a single parent? Could you afford nursery? I think you should speak to someone who can advise you about benefits etc. Please don't give up your job. For the wellbeing of you and your baby I think you need to consider moving on without your partner.

@Snowfl I haven't rtft bit I've read all your posts, and the thing that jumped out at me was you saying you feel constantly disappointed by him. (Or similar) that really resonated with me. I split up with my husband, when I had a 2 yr old and 9 month old. I was terrified of doing it alone, until I realised that I WAS doing it alone.

And doing it all yourself, with no one to even talk to, is a bloody huge improvement of the constant disappointment of him not lifting a finger.

I am also better off financially, working part time and receive tax credits, than when he was here.

If you WANT to do less hours/take on more childcare, then he needs to work more. Simple as that.

It's bloody ridiculous, but I think you need to sit him.down and lay it on the line for him. He needs to be able to do this stuff. Write out a more detailed routine, along with a really basic timeline - 10am nap, wake up, nappy change, 12pm lunch and drink, 1pm play 3pm walk/nap in pushchair. However you do it.

Tell him, the child is crying it's because of nappy/hunger/thirst/tired. Check those first. Give him strategies for when dc is upset. My dc1 would always be distracted by looking out of the bedroom window. Lots to see. He CAN do this, and should want to learn.

Omg I wouldn't leave my baby with someone like that. I'd have to seriously think about ending the relationships if my partner neglected our child.

All I know is you can’t live like this and neither can your baby

I fear if I leave him he won't bother to see DC and that will break my heart for my sons sake
Really what you're saying here is that you KNOW he isnt a good parent (no good parent would not bother to see their child) but while you live together you can kid yourself that he makes a positive contribution to his child's life.
It would be better if you just accept now he is only a drain on your resources

OP your baby is in danger every time he is left alone with this man. It only takes a split second's loss of control to kill or permanently harm an infant. He's already neglecting the baby and he's admitted he gets frustrated with him.

Don't ignore the warning signs.

@CatChant

OP your baby is in danger every time he is left alone with this man. It only takes a split second's loss of control to kill or permanently harm an infant. He's already neglecting the baby and he's admitted he gets frustrated with him.

Don't ignore the warning signs.

OP it's really really important you take on board comments like this.

he says his work is too stressful hence he wants to drop a day

What is he planning to do with all the days he isn’t working OR looking after his child?

@WickedWestieWitch

If SS get involved and learn you knew of these risks to your baby and didn't act to remove them, they will question your capacity to act in the best interests of your baby.

100% agree with this!

All it takes is one "accident" where your baby is hurt and you'll be explaining this to SS.

@Snowfl

Brief update so he's just home and I said look we need to talk about you having the baby tomorrow how are you feeling about it. He said I won't know until the day if he's okay then il be fine. So I said its 5 things is he hungry/thirsty is he wet/dirty, tired bored or in pain. I said where do you think you went wrong the last day. He's says idk he just wouldn't eat and was crying so I said do you think he might of been thirsty or tired since he didn't sleep. It's not too difficult if you stick to the routine times make sure he naps then he will eat for you. If he has a drink he will eat for you. If he's bored tired and thirsty he will cry. So he then says I'm not listening to this ffs if your so perfect stay at home yourself and do it. So I said and how will that work who will bring in the money for the house? So he said we'll then shut up and stormed off 🙄

Tomorrow you need to tell him to pull his weight, and if he doesn't you are going to pack his bag and tell him to leave. This may spur him into action, but it probably won't. Then follow through. You'll get more money from UC by the sounds of things, and far less stress. Maybe a break of a few weeks will give him the kick up the backside that he needs. DO NOT reduce your hours or give up work, this will put you and your child in a vulnerable position. You don't want to be stuck as a SAHM with a partner like this. Have you looked into the Government Childcare account? I'm not sure how it works if you are on benefits though, but they give you money towards childcare if you qualify.

Your post has got me raging! Firstly, your DP is a dick OP. He's not even trying to look after your child properly. Was your child planned? Sounds to me like he has no idea how to be a hands on father but also has no intention to even try. He definitely needs to be paying 50% of the nursery fees. I honestly can't believe he isn't already! What exactly does he provide?! Personally I would turn my phone off and not speak to him until I got home from work but reading your post makes me feel like your DP can't actually be trusted to look after your child. I feel so sorry for you OP.

So, how does he operate at work? Presumably he's able to grasp simple tasks and learn from them? He does sound bloody useless, but also reluctant. He doesn't want the responsibility so is constantly turning to you. Of course parenting is hard. It's the bloodiest hardest most exhausting thing in the world. And he's trying to use the excuse that he's just not cut out for it. It's astounding that, esp during lockdown, when presumably he was around more, he has failed to pay any attention at all.

I would write him a big check list on a chalk board.

The baby is crying:
Does he need changing, feeding, a drink, needs holding, is he too hot or too cold? Is he over tired? Or bored?

The thing that really irks me is the amount of men who just assume that it's easy for women and that it just comes to them naturally.

What a useless twat I would be absolutely furious too!!