Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

Your baby is safer in nursery, please do not leave him unattended with your do!

@NeutralJanet

Go to work, turn your phone off and leave him to get on with it. He's a parent and needs to learn to get on with it just like you did, do not pander to this fake helplessness by phoning in sick to your work, that's playing right into his hands.

This is highly irresponsible. If the father 'Snaps', shakes or strikes the child, it could have catastrophic results.

Can you not see the huge risk the child is in, by being left with someone who says ''I can't do this?''

Screaming babies frustrate the best of parents at times, but they can drive the selfish, feckless or mentally unbalanced to act violently.

The baby needs to be left with a responsible person who is guaranteed to not 'Snap'.

Poor child.

I agree with pp, he needs to do his share when you are all together, then he will be competent when he is on his own. Or perhaps he needs a good kick up the hole and out the door, only you can decide op.

Did your baby arrive with a manual? No. He seriously needs to start acting like a father with responsibilities to deal with and less like a panicking, useless idiot. It’s totally ridiculous. Why was he not paying attention to what needs doing for the past few months to prepare himself?

Sit down with him, prepare a checklist / instruction list so there are no excuses for him not knowing and then turn off your phone.

How has DH been today with you both around?

I think you need a change of mindset OP. Of course in the ideal world you'd want your DS to be with parents rather than in nursery, but can you honestly see that his care is in any way better or more beneficial to have him looked after by his Dad than nursery?

His Dad, in an ideal world would be stepping up to the plate but right now he's not even doing the bare minimum. If he's going to stay in your life, he needs to recognise his issues and seek help. Ideally therapy and medication given what you've described. He's telling you he isn't coping and you aren't wanting to listen.

Whether he is a lazy eejit or is genuinely at the point of breakdown, it doesn't really matter when it comes to the care of your son as he should not be left in sole care of him until he's stable and proven himself. This will be months away at the earliest.

In the meantime, the best thing all round will likely be for DP to move to his mums and work on himself while you claim UC and get DS cared for at nursery. Review as/when things change.

Please do not leave your son alone with him tomorrow.

Xingming what a load of crap my dhwas looking after his baby aged 20 on his own

"Whether he is a lazy eejit or is genuinely at the point of breakdown, it doesn't really matter when it comes to the care of your son as he should not be left in sole care of him until he's stable and proven himself."
This will be months away at the earliest."

"In the meantime, the best thing all round will likely be for DP to move to his mums and work on himself while you claim UC and get DS cared for at nursery. Review as/when things change"

I agree with all of this

Is your MIL willing to come over and support her son with the baby?

HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM - it's all about HIM. FFS! What a manchild.

Sorry - my ex is an utter arsehole but even he managed to look after baby twins when I had to go out. I once had to go abroad for my DM's funeral - was gone two weeks and he managed to look after the DC just fine.

The thing here is that your 'D'P does not want to do it. And he knows that if he does a shit job then you will have to take over. That's what he's counting on. He doesn't want to do a good job because then he'll have to do more of it and he doesn't want to.

Sorry about the rant, but men like him get my hackles up something awful.

@HackAttack his mum works and takes other older grandchild for 3 days so I can't really ask her to take the baby too. @TatianaBis yes he does like computer games but he doesn't get on them as much since the baby. Idk I seem to think he blames everything on mental health to the extent his mental health is now affecting mine if I cant even go to work without worrying.
I completely understand what your saying @2bazookas deep down I am worried one day he will do something he will regret in the heat of the moment. If he's telling me he can't maybe he can't I just really need to figure out options as can't not do it and also drop work that financially is impossible I already keep him so he would need to move out for us to survive reasonably. @notacoolmum sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation. I think our relationship if you would even call it that is suffering anyway I thought maybe I am depressed post baby as I constantly feel let down by partner but its not me it's him I used to think I was being unreasonable and that there's something wrong with me but I can't physically do anymore. @tenlittlecygnets he did ocassionaly but that was linked to drug use but he's been clean as far as I know for over two years. The two seemed to coincide. Idk we don't do much usually we don't do meals out etc even before baby I guess he does his music or builds model planes recently. I think this year has most people stuck at home but we do go for a walk on days off together. For those asking I don't have alexa it's not something I would be into. @WhySoSensitive I'm just reading through. I definitely won't be turning phone off. I'm just a mixture of emotions I've tried to contact work to see if I can have tomorrow off as emergency leave to no avail and to speak to my manager. I need more time off so as others suggest I can sit back and watch as he parents and help him. If he is meaning he can't do it all together then idk I can't do this either. I'm hoping he hasn't returned to drugs and that's why he's flipping but I just really want to make the right decision for baby. I fear if I leave him he won't bother to see DC and that will break my heart for my sons sake. @middleeasternpromise he's terrible at sorting things again blames his m.h he could run if out jeans and say he can't order new ones he finds it too stressful. Things like organising he's terrible at. Even if say we are going somewhere at 4 he is pacing the house all morning eager to go getting nervous almost its strange. He can't even get shopping in he stresses I have to do a list and even then he has forgotten things and ringing me the double check what the list says

OP I think you really need to step back here and see this situation for what it is.

He CANT parent his own child - the reasons don't matter.

He's dangerous.

Your priority isn't to "fix" or "train" him.

Your priority is to your baby and that means the only option is for him to leave so you can access the financial support you need to go it alone.

It's simply not possible for you to carry the load you are doing.

The status quo has to change and the only way to do that and protect yourself and your baby is for him to leave.

he is not cruel not intentionally.

Your baby doesn't understand his intent. But they are experiencing cruelty.

Bloody ridiculous. My dh looked after 4 kids most weekends while I worked even after he had been at work monday to friday. This was four kids under seven including a 6 month old baby as that was the age our youngest was when I had to go back to work. We were both beyond exhausted but he never once complained.

Also I'm sorry if he's depressed but literally MILLIONS of mums and dads are depressed and still give water to their baby. Those who don't are neglecting them which if you know anything about safeguarding is abuse. Depression is a huge red herring here.

Sadly your update makes it worse, you are keeping him, he wasn’t reliable and capable before and he isn’t now. You need to be the protective factor in your baby’s life not your partners. Really, you need to be strong for your child before this escalates. Has he ever lived independently, send him back to his mother.

@2bazookas

What leapt out at me from your post, was this

DP has a short fuse and stresses easily
DP says his mental health is collapsing ( and mentions work is also stressful)
DP "I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. "
" I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors'.

The baby (under dressed) had not been fed or given a drink, fell asleep in the highchair. (which probably ,means he screamed himself to sleep).

RED FLAG. What matters here, is that your DH is dangerously close to breaking point and the awful neglect is a clear indication the baby is at risk

Note, he describes the baby as uncontrollable, screaming and hitting (food away). My bet; DP's actually describing himself. His nerves are at screaming pitch, he's at the point of hitting out, he's losing control. And as soon as you get in, that's exactly what happens, he loses control, shouting and slamming doors.

  Your baby  was in real danger .His father  repeatedly  , urgently  sent the urgent  message he can't cope, he's at breaking point, come home,  help.   Those are the circumstances in which struggling, desperate , stressed-out   parents snap, lose control; and hit, violently shake or throw a child to the ground.   With tragic results.

   All you said about DP';s crap parenting is true;  of course you are angry resentful and taken advantage of; you want to work nursery is expensive.   Its a mess and its not fair. But  none of that has any importance right now,   compared with keeping your baby  safe

    DP's right; he can't do it.  Please, please  believe him.</div></div>

This! This is very very good advice and probably indicative of what's happening! Please protect my our child

@Snowfl

If he can't be trusted to do shopping, is scatty and is doing 'Nervous pacing', the last thing he needs to be doing is looking after a dependent and demanding baby.
His mother might just HAVE to step in and help you with childcare, at least in the short term.

If your partner is jittery and edgy, the baby will pick up on it.
Babies are little barometers of the atmosphere around them...He will cry, your partner will get more agitated, the crying will get worse, like a feedback loop.

Stating the bloody obvious, It Doesn't sound like he was ready to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood...But his mum bight be a better carer? Could she do childcare tomorrow?

Feel like you are defending him now? You are being gaslighted. Wake up.

Oh no, he’s not right and I don’t think you should leave your child in his ‘care’. I’m sorry but how can you comfortably be at work now that you know the chances are your child is suffering because his dad has ‘forgotten’ to give him a drink or feed or change him?
Nope, this isn’t going to get better, from what you say he is barely a functioning adult with mundane tasks, let alone being responsible for a little life.

Hi,
I've just read your latest update. This is a man who can't order himself a pair of jeans, and can't go get some shopping even with a list in his hand. He CANNOT look after your baby. You must believe this. Give up all idea of trying to teach or train him.
Tomorrow morning, ring the nursery and see if they will take the baby for your next working day (do you work Mondays?) as an emergency, pending a new increase in baby's hours. If they can't, and you can't find anyone else, you have no choice but to stay at home.
Get on the phone tomorrow and get some permanent childcare - nursery or childminder - to cover all the days you work. Go overdrawn or put it on credit if necessary. Your partner then has to leave the house by the end of the week, and you immediately claim financial help as a single parent. Don't give up your job while he is still in your house - he has to leave.
I am so sorry it has come to this.

@Snowfl call your MIL tonight and ask her to either take him tomorrow or be there with your OH for the full day as you haven't been able to get hold of work.

I get what you are reading is upsetting but your DP is in no state to care for his child and this really is a safe guarding issue.
You need a full and Frank conversation with him this evening that basically says he has to sort out his medication etc as urgency on Monday and that he needs to give you money towards nursery or that he has to leave.
Your baby is not safe in current circumstances I know that is very very difficult for you to read but you have to put your baby first.

Brief update so he's just home and I said look we need to talk about you having the baby tomorrow how are you feeling about it. He said I won't know until the day if he's okay then il be fine. So I said its 5 things is he hungry/thirsty is he wet/dirty, tired bored or in pain. I said where do you think you went wrong the last day. He's says idk he just wouldn't eat and was crying so I said do you think he might of been thirsty or tired since he didn't sleep. It's not too difficult if you stick to the routine times make sure he naps then he will eat for you. If he has a drink he will eat for you. If he's bored tired and thirsty he will cry. So he then says I'm not listening to this ffs if your so perfect stay at home yourself and do it. So I said and how will that work who will bring in the money for the house? So he said we'll then shut up and stormed off 🙄

Reading the updates from OP it seems her partner has long had serious coping and mental health issues. She seems nice but I just want to beat my head against the wall. Why do so many women produce children with these useless sperm donors? It's so unfair to the child as well as setting the mother up for a miserable lifelong struggle.

If he was using drugs two years ago and can't even keep himself in clean clothing how on earth did he seem like a reasonable choice of co-parent?

his mum works and takes other older grandchild for 3 days so I can't really ask her to take the baby too.

Cracking.

Some he can go back to his mum's, she take responsibility for raising a fuckwit and not teaching him that babies drink water rather enabling his bone idle bullshit sob story and in the process he can learn how to look after his neices and nephews and give his mum the odd break, whilst you can get more financial security and support and not have to deal with his crapload of baggage and your son is safe.

Everyone's a winner.