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Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:
MyCassiopiea · 13/12/2020 18:58

Leave him. He is neglecting your child and trying to manipulate and control you. Leave him.

DianaT1969 · 13/12/2020 18:58

Another one urging you not to leave the child alone with him again. It only takes a second to shake a baby. Your life, and your baby's life could be ruined by this volatile, inadequate man.

QueenArseClangers · 13/12/2020 19:02

Jesus OP.

Your dickhead of a partner sounds exactly like a man I knew. It’s like deja vu reading your posts.

He neglected his baby (when the mum was at work) and spouted the same shite that your bloke is saying.

That baby is now a child with serious, long life disabilities caused by an incident of him ‘not coping’.

Please protect your child and leave the bastard.

cansu · 13/12/2020 19:06

Get a childminder or nursery. He is a tosser but you won't have any peace of mind at work while he is doing such an awful job. Start thinking about how to get rid of him.

XingMing · 13/12/2020 19:07

To you all, I believe that having a child is great; having two close in age is hard work and that the third and fourth are beyond normal pain limits. Of course, fathers need to do their part. But, on my experience of my partner, he's great at earning a living for us all. He can cook basic batchelor food, healthy and from raw ingredients. Running a business occupies most of his waking hours from 6 am to 10 pm, and we have 25 people who depend on it paying them every month. In 30 years of being in business, taking the risk, he has never missed paying a paycheck.

.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2020 19:09

But, on my experience of my partner, he's great at earning a living for us all I’m great at earning a living for my family too...I’m female !!!

CustardySergeant · 13/12/2020 19:09

@QueenArseClangers

Jesus OP.

Your dickhead of a partner sounds exactly like a man I knew. It’s like deja vu reading your posts.

He neglected his baby (when the mum was at work) and spouted the same shite that your bloke is saying.

That baby is now a child with serious, long life disabilities caused by an incident of him ‘not coping’.

Please protect your child and leave the bastard.

I hope the OP is still reading. Your penultimate sentence is just what I fear will happen if he's left alone with the baby again. It's not worth risking.
Twattergy · 13/12/2020 19:10

His back story (depression, drug use) does explain a bit why he might find looking after a baby more stressful than someone w/o mental health issues. Also I recall my v competent DH not doing some of the basics when he first started looking after DS at 11 months when I went back to work. I don't think he believed me when I said that ignoring things like rough eat, sleep times and wet nappies made baby go AWOL. He quickly learned though and never once said he couldn't deal with it despite saying it was hard. Getting him to do proper child care for our son was the best thing ever because for the first time he really understood and appreciated the hard, boring, frustrating work of parenting a baby. When your parent says 'I can't do this' have you told him the multiple times you felt that way but had no choice but to get on with it? As every mother has felt and many men do not appreciate. Tell him that is how it sometimes feels. If you trust him to keep you child safe then write a very detailed checklist. Tell him that crying is ALWAYS down to a short list of basic things. Tell him there are no short cuts, yes it is repetitive, yes babies love routine, yes babies needs sleep and water and food and dry nappies and cuddles. I think some dads think mums 'fuss' over these practicalities until the day they have to look after baby and then realise they aren't pets that just need feeding. It isn't rocket science. He needs to do this.

Lsquiggles · 13/12/2020 19:10

I don't know how you leave your child with him, he sounds completely incapable and unwilling.

Mollymopple · 13/12/2020 19:11

@Reindeermayhem

A day you have together with you child, make your Dp be with you both all day so he sees what a child needs. Talk him through it, make him take notes. Then he knows. After that not giving a bay food or water is neglect. He cannot say he has not been taught.

I would turn my phone off so he cannot make me feel stressed. Give him emergency numbers for medical treatment - Dr, 111, 999 if he needs to call.

If he does not want to do childcare he can pay for it.

Exactly this... he needs some coaching. Daddy has had a wake up call because he has let you do everything for 9 months! He will have to find his way.
Reading your post it sounds like he over stresses about the crying. It is a normal part of baby communication. Does this usually bother him so much? Also could you break the Nursery day into 2 half days to ease the situation and make it less intense. If it is this bad it will be hard on your little one.
middleeasternpromise · 13/12/2020 19:11

I know you are writing it from your point of view but it really does sound like he doesn't want to do the child care and the ringing you and 'forgetting' things seems like a really immature way of getting you to step in and say OK move out the way I will do it all. I think if you dig a bit deeper you will find out he has a plan and it involves you sorting everything yourself. The difficulty here is that he has you over a barrel - if he thinks its ok to start slamming doors and throwing tantrums when in sole charge of a young baby who is totally reliant on the care giver - then he really is showing you that if need be, he will put himself ahead of the baby as a way of making you take it all off his hands (as you were doing for the first 9 months by the sounds of it). Your challenge will be how much energy you can muster to return to work; do your share of the parenting and now hold him to account at every turn so he doesn't get away with it.

Pre baby how would you say you tended to manage sharing the life work? Are you often the one to step in and sort it out after hes had a half hearted go? Or was he better at stepping up and doing his share or more of the doing stuff? These are really difficult decisions to make when you are starting out as a parent but also some of the most important ones - they create the conditions that either set up the healthier ways of doing things or you can find yourself shouldering increasingly more load, feeling unable to back out 'for the sake of the children' and when you do push back you will be told you are always moaning and complaining as a way of keeping the status quo.

XingMing · 13/12/2020 19:11

DS is now 21.

moggiek · 13/12/2020 19:12

Universallyhappy is absolutely right. This is a safeguarding issue. Please, please do not leave your child in this man’s care again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 19:13

@XingMing

To you all, I believe that having a child is great; having two close in age is hard work and that the third and fourth are beyond normal pain limits. Of course, fathers need to do their part. But, on my experience of my partner, he's great at earning a living for us all. He can cook basic batchelor food, healthy and from raw ingredients. Running a business occupies most of his waking hours from 6 am to 10 pm, and we have 25 people who depend on it paying them every month. In 30 years of being in business, taking the risk, he has never missed paying a paycheck.

.

Fine. In households where the mother and father are both working, or the mother is the sole earner / breadwinner things are different aren't they? And we should be encouraging women to view themselves as having the equal right to work full time should they wish to.

Your husband is the breadwinner because you have chosen that route for your family.

He is not somehow entitled to be the breadwinner or more capable of earning money than a woman due to having a penis!

I run a business and people rely on me. I am a woman. Times have changed!

Peachy66 · 13/12/2020 19:13

I don't believe you should leave your baby alone with his Dad under any circumstances.

It only takes a second to snap but could have lifetime consequences for your DC.
If something were to happen to your DC you would never forgive yourself.

Rinoachicken · 13/12/2020 19:14

I might Be willing to try and coach/teach a dad who was clueless b it otherwise safe.

But one who’s showing aggression directed at the baby?

Not a chance I would take that risk.

One more chance? One more chance that the next phone call will be from the hospital.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/12/2020 19:14

From what you have written it is not safe for your ds to be left with his dad at the moment. Get the extra days at nursery so you don’t have that worry

Then you need a longer term plan. Sit down and talk with your partner and really listen to what he is saying. You need to determine for your own sake if he is really struggling but has plans in place to get better and be a team with you or if his plan is to leave it all up to you while he opts out and does whatever he likes. If it is the latter then end it. Otherwise you will end up struggling too as well as being bitter and resentful.

I’m sorry this has happened. Wishing you well.

XingMing · 13/12/2020 19:17

I out earned DP by about 10x before having DS, but the arrival of the internet changed the dynamic balance.

Tyke2 · 13/12/2020 19:18

He's a nob.

Harrisismyparadise · 13/12/2020 19:20

Do one of those diagrams with the questions and answers.
Is baby crying
No - play with baby, do housework, prepare dinner
Yes - has baby been changed/fed/offered fluids/bored/ tired?

Then he has no excuse to call you for all the answers. If he is going to act like he hasn’t a clue just make it really simple.

WinterWhore · 13/12/2020 19:22

I'm sorry but that's neglect. No drink since 7am? Forgetting to feed him? Walking around slamming doors?

Leave the total wanker. Sounds like a spiteful prick. And a shit dad too.

Bottledupagain · 13/12/2020 19:23

Would he ever do anything stupid? He sounds unstable around the baby.

madcatladyforever · 13/12/2020 19:25

LT useless B please.

Hylyma1234 · 13/12/2020 19:27

This post is quite concerning, how is he not managing the basics, especially is you’ve left him a very clear routine for him to follow.

It’s not acceptable he’s calling you at work, when I used to work weekends, my husband was left to look after both our younger children solely, after a full week at work himself. He never once called me and I would have been pretty annoyed if he was pestering me continuously, whilst trying to carry out my job.

You need to sit down and talk and possibly shadow him for a few days, lay out some rules ie, not calling you, unless it’s an emergency. Explain the importance of a consistent routine. If this doesn’t work, then you need to look at other options ie, nursery or childminder.

nancyclancy123 · 13/12/2020 19:29

Your dp needs a good kick up the arse!! I could not tolerate being with someone so selfish!!!