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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2020 18:14

@XingMing

Profuse apologies to anyone who disagrees with my summary of the situation.

Why say something stupid and untrue then apologise if people disagree? Piss off.

caringcarer · 13/12/2020 18:15

He is selfish beyond belief. I bet he found time to get himself a drink and food. He is deliberately neglecting your dc to manipulate you into leaving your job. I would make him pay to put child in nursery on days he should be looking after your baby and make him pay. Do not offer to pay half. If he refuses kick him out. Never have another baby with this vindictive manipulating abusive moron. Tbh I would kick him out for not giving baby food and drink. That is child abuse. I would never leave baby with this evil man. He has shown just how far he will go to manipulate you.

Topseyt · 13/12/2020 18:16

@XingMing

Your DH is probably not very good at caring, but there's reason that mums tend to do care. Women are better at caring for small children, especially infants. From 16 months, they will enjoy dad company but before, little chidren prefer mum. It feels safer.

Good dads triumph as the exciting parent when the DC begin to want to explore the world. A balance is needed.

There is no balance to be struck with a man who has such terrible anger issues that he is flouncing around slamming doors while he is supposed to be caring for his defenceless baby son.

Nor is there any balance to be struck if he is too thick to work out that babies need regular feeding, watering, nappy changes, naps and comforting.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/12/2020 18:16

What a load if sexist rubbish. Babies only feel safer with their mum if their dad isn't an equal parent. Babies become attached to whoever puts in the work to bond with them.

Op, he sounds like an absolute loser. I'm normally a believer in letting the other parent get on with it rather than getting too involved, but there is no way that a parent who gives a shit about their child wouldn't think to give them a drink all day. So I imagine he is purposely being abusive to your child in order to get you to stop working.

What a nasty piece of work he is.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 18:18

@XingMing

Good dads triumph as the exciting parent when the DC begin to want to explore the world. A balance is needed.

This is like saying women are better at cooking and cleaning but men shine when they do the barbecue during summer.

Decent men are perfectly capable of being equal participants in family life. And decent men, shock horror, want to be!

turkeymince · 13/12/2020 18:19

Completely disagree with other posters who say ignore his calls and leave him at the deep end. He is not coping, and baby can't be the one to suffer as a result - whatever the reason, whether due to lack of experience on his part, lack of skills / problem solving ability, or due to some suspected manipulation.

I wouldn't leave baby alone with him until you have seen first hand consistent evidence he can meet baby's needs. It sounds like baby is at risk with him, if he is so angry, forgetting basic care e.g. water. Do what you have to, call on other family members, take extended leave etc. But he sounds like a risk to your child with his inconsistent care at the moment and number one priority you have to keep baby safe.

WhySoSensitive · 13/12/2020 18:19

How are you feeling OP?
A lot of stuff to process here.

KaptainKaveman · 13/12/2020 18:20

@XingMing

Good dads triumph as the exciting parent when the DC begin to want to explore the world. A balance is needed.

It's a long time since I have read anything so ludicrous.

Squiffany · 13/12/2020 18:22

OP, do you have an Alexa? You could set up daily reminders on that for him.

XingMing · 13/12/2020 18:25

At 64, may I tell you that the definition of women's work is "anything I don't want to do." Just this week, I've spent four days sorting out DMIL's house, from packing crockery and glass (3 x 12 of each) for my DSIL who wants everything, and I have spent hours on the phone to utility companies trying to get some final balances on accounts, from 300 miles away. I hope my own mother dies before dementia sets in.

Before you all pile in, some of the above is supposed to be wry humour. I adored my DMIL but this phase is trying everyone's patience.,

Chocolate4me · 13/12/2020 18:26

Call in sick tomorrow and get your child an extra day at Nursery, or a childminder or look into an au-pair for costs..... Your OH is at breaking point, and your child's life and wellbeing is at risk.
Regardless of right or wrong, he is telling you he can't cope and needs a solution... It may get easier as your baby gets easier but the terrible 2s aren't fun either!!
He needs to help pay financially or ask him to move out, I'd also say don't give up your job, that could be your lifeline if you decide to split

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 13/12/2020 18:28

@Squiffany

OP, do you have an Alexa? You could set up daily reminders on that for him.

FFS, no. It is not safe to leave a baby with someone who needs reminders to attend to its basic needs.

PerveenMistry · 13/12/2020 18:29

@caringcarer

I would break up with someone who failed to give water to my dog all day, honestly. Especially if they were shouting, pouting, slamming doors and otherwise stressing the animal.

Don't think the anger and resentment aren't making a mark on your child. Sorry you are in this situation.

XingMing · 13/12/2020 18:29

@KapitanKavenman. I'm sure sure you will discover much worse before you get to be as old as me. And I suspect your views will soften.

JovialNickname · 13/12/2020 18:30

Poor baby, I'm sure his dad (can't bring myself to say DP!) managed to get himself a drink during that time, sat and sipped his cup of tea or enjoyed his orange juice whilst his son cried with thirst. It doesn't sound like he's even remorseful either, not wracked with guilt for his mistake, just full of his own self righteousness and irritation. People make mistakes with babies all the time (see the plentiful my baby rolled off something/I banged his little head threads on here) but the posters all feel TERRIBLE afterwards and learn better how to keep their LO safe. Doesn't sound like he's too bothered about that.

Omeara · 13/12/2020 18:32

He sounds pathetic.

I would refuse to do anything on the days you're at home with him. Let him learn how to look after the baby under your supervision. Not that you should have to teach him how to look after his own child.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 18:33

[quote XingMing]@KapitanKavenman. I'm sure sure you will discover much worse before you get to be as old as me. And I suspect your views will soften.[/quote]
But if everyone continues to allow many men to excuse their lack of care and absence of responsibility for childcare, nothing will change will it?

One would hope that each generation will push for more and more equality so that society stops telling 50% of the population that their penis means they can't be equal contributors to the care of their children.

Shouldn't we aim higher than a man being able to use incompetence, negligence and lack of empathy to persuade a woman with a career to give up her job and lessen her financial security? Madness.

Things need to change for things to change.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 18:34

Sorry meant to say I am sorry to hear about your MIL @XingMing

Stircrazyschoolmum · 13/12/2020 18:34

Do you have home start or any other similar volunteer org near you? An NCT group? I’m wondering if DP needs someone else experienced with small babies (impartial to faked helplessness) to walk him through a couple of days. NOT do it for him. But guide and prompt so he figures it out and you remain at work and happy baby is safe.

I agree this shouldn’t be necessary but baby safety comes first. Lots of mums struggle to cope. First time parenting is full on. Giving up isn’t the answer as he’ll never cross the pain barrier and like others have said, if you have any more children together he’ll really need to step up.

hardtimeuphere · 13/12/2020 18:35

I'm sorry but it's not rocket science to feed someone. Has your partner's mental state been checked by anyone?

ivykaty44 · 13/12/2020 18:35

Id write this down

is he wet or dirty? check

is he hungry? when did he last eat? check
he he thirsty? has he had water or drink? check
he is tired? when did he last sleep? check

is he hot? is he cold?
is his cheeks hot - teething
lets go for a walk if all else is ok

write it down and tell him its the bible of looking after dc

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2020 18:36

@XingMing

Before you all pile in, some of the above is supposed to be wry humour. I adored my DMIL but this phase is trying everyone's patience.,

What a crock. If you're allowing your 'D'H to get away with dropping HIS responsibilities towards his mother on you, then that is your fault. Him not wanting to do it doesn't make it 'women's/wife work'. Nor does saying it's 'wry humour'.

I'm of the same generation as you. So is my DH. He was perfectly capable (and did a damn fine job) of settling his mother's affairs and sorting out her household without much help from me.

But I do agree, dementia is a true bitch. There is no crueler way to lose a parent than the 'bit by bit' of dementia.

XingMing · 13/12/2020 18:37

With apologies to all feminists, and I am one, for some reason men do NOT understand the needs of new borns and small babies or young children. Before children are mobile, most men are useless at caring for them.

minnie465 · 13/12/2020 18:40

@XingMing what a ridiculous statement 🙄 giving lazy useless people an excuse not to parent.

SimonJT · 13/12/2020 18:40

@XingMing

I better tell all the Dads at my adoption group that they’re all either secretly useless and don’t understand the needs of their children, or they’re secretly women.

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