Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

@Confusedandshaken

Mobile phones can be a curse. My DH might have tried a bit of this when he first started looking after the D.C. on his own but to reach me he would have had to go through the switchboard and my line manager would soon have put a stop to constant personal calls!

Go to work. Turn your phone off and let him crack on.

No! Letting him "crack on" with wilfully neglecting his baby would not be a good idea and would render OP also guilty of a degree of neglect. This is because she knows that her baby isn't safe or cared for with his totally feckless arsewipe of a Dad.

OP, this man is being a total arse. If he cannot work out that a baby will need regular feeding, watering and changing (I would bet he isn't changing nappies that often either) then he really cannot be all that intelligent and this is a lost cause.

Get other childcare sorted out and kick this useless twat into the long grass. Going it alone would be easier than this.

I felt so sorry for your baby reading this. Not being given any water or milk all day? And forgetting to give him lunch? Bet he didn't forget his own fucking lunch though did he!! Honestly this is serious neglect and his bad temper just makes it even more dangerous. I would not be leaving him with that child for another minute unsupervised. How pathetic is he.

I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary
can you find short term safe childcare for him while you make a long term plan, I dont think it's safe to leave your baby with the man you live with

No! Letting him "crack on" with wilfully neglecting his baby would not be a good idea and would render OP also guilty of a degree of neglect
i agree this man will make the baby suffer in order to punish you OP, he sounds sociopathic:(

OP my dgs ended up being injured as a baby while being looked after by his dad. My daughter only worked half days. The dad ended up harming my gs and all hell broke loose with social services and dgs nearly being taken into care. It was only with our help and my dd leaving this waste of space that it was all resolved but not after 18 months of child protection services being involved and having ss at our home every week making sure dgs was now safe. Dd and dgs came back to live with us and she never went back. It came out in court that dgs would be left in his bouncy chair most of the time the dad was meant to be looking after him. It culminated in dad loosing his temper with dgs and harming him. He was same sort of age as your ds. Dad is not allowed contact and dgs has some attachment issues which has hindered his progress at nursery and school. Hes now nearly 5 and the most darling of children but suffers with separation anxiety. Please please re think this relationship before something awful happens. What has happened so far is neglect and cruelty. Nobody is that dense not to work through a list of needs if a baby is crying. I bet the atmosphere in the house was awful and your son was also reacting to this. Babies are so so sensitive to their surroundings and will be able to feel the anger from his dad. Utterly disgusting.

Do not leave that poor child with him ever again...he isnt adult enough to parent a baby,Dont know what your going to do but its just not safe leaving a baby with him. Its wicked and shameful he cannot cope ..I would be so ashamed of him. That poor baby ...

There are so many tragic stories of babies being harmed in a split second by an angry father.
Often only having the care of the baby for a short while. {Hours not even half a day}
It isn't something I'd risk.
One cannot ''train'' an unwilling father to 'step up'.
I had no idea how common shaken baby syndrome was until seeing an article about it online..
A short fuse on behalf of the father. {Often it is men who lose temper}
A screaming baby who pushes food away {the father could see this as the child ''Being difficult''.
It is a tinderbox.
Your son won't be a baby forever, but don't risk leaving him with an unstable father.

Childcare is expensive, is there a good local child minder you trust?

What a mess op. I so feel for you. Do you have an Alexa. We have our echo dots set up to remind the kids of things at certain times (adhd household). Could this work for dp? So set reminders for certain times when baby is due meal.or sleep. Then set say hourly reminder to offer a drink or change nappy. Also perhaps tell dp u will only be available on the phone at lunch to stop all the calls

I think your baby is in danger, I bet he's already done something to him. can your loser blokes parents have the baby?

I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work?

That may well be his aim, although if he wants you earning money as well, he hasn't exactly thought it through. He's just utterly self-centred and incapable of caring for another living being, even his own child. Whilst I'm not blaming his mother, the way she talks about him is telling. Of course he can work out on his own that a child might be thirsty. It's not rocket science, is it. And please don't say that he is sometimes a great dad. He isn't, not at all, not in any shape or form.

I'd absolutely leave him over this. If he refused to do better, no if's no buts. He either does a proper job at parenting or he pays fir the extra day in nursery.

I'd not feel like baby was safe, I'd be having dreadful worries about him snapping and baby coming to harm. Because he sounds stressed and uninterested and has already failed all the basics.

It is a tough situation. The kind of person who always wants an easier time never change they're always looking to offload on another for their peace.
I'd very seriously tell him he is at risk of losing his family if he doesn't buckle up.
A small family isn't the time to slow down.
I feel desperately sorry for you and angry at your partner forgetting to fulfill the babys basic needs.
He'd be going to war or piss off.

Are you having much leave over Christmas OP? Like two weeks or something?

If you are then maybe you could treat Christmas as a teaching period. Every day, DP is in charge of DC, he is following your checklist. You will help if he asks, but he’s the one who’s got to remember what comes next, when to sleep and feed, what to try if DC is crying etc. (Meanwhile you could take the non baby jobs like Christmas cooking, laundry etc but it’s important he is in charge of the baby).

If he hasn’t got it by the end of two weeks then I’d give up on him frankly. Up to you whether you give him an ultimatum and tell him he needs to get it by then.

Maybe provide him something along the lines of this (with any necessary additions) and put it on the fridge.

No, no, no.
This is a dangerous man. He lacks empathy and self control. He should not be left alone with a baby.
OP, you are not married. You rent. You need to make him leave, or end your rental contract and you leave with your baby. Whatever is quicker and easier.
Tell your gp/ HV. You must safeguard your child.

In essence, you are a single parent of TWO. He is worse than useless, he is an actual burden on you, taking time and effort (and probably money) that you should be able to put into your job to enable you to keep a roof over your head and food into the two mouths that matter, yours and your child's. Being a single parent of ONE would be so much easier. And probably cost you less overall per month, too. And would certainly be better for your own mental health, too.

This may sound like a silly question, but do you think he is really neglecting your child or is he just calling you and pretending he is in order to get you to take over HIS parenting responsibilities? Because if he is truly neglecting his child he is 100% doing it on purpose. And anyone who would do this is not a person I would want anywhere near ANY child, let alone my own.

What you need to ask yourself is what on earth does he actually contribute to your life? He isn't contributing his fair share of childcare costs, you've said you'd actually get more in benefits than he pays into the household, and he isn't pulling his weight in caring for his child. Plus you're having to run around putting out HIS fires and tiptoeing around his 'issues'. It's a wonder you haven't had a nervous collapse!

If you booted his sorry ass out, would you be entitled to child maintenance? And benefits? You may be financial better off without him than you realize.

Whatever you do, do NOT go on a nightshift unless you are 1000% positive you could go back on days at the drop of a hat. Because if you do and things go belly up, you'll play hell trying to find nighttime child care. And you already know that HE won't be doing it.

And if he really is having MH issues, then it would probably be better all round if he moved out and got the help he needs. Can he go to his parents?

You need to get your ducks in a row, figure out finances, childcare, and housing (ie whose name is the lease in, would it be easier for you and baby to leave, etc). Then tell him he needs to move out 'for his own mental health'. Or leave yourself.

Also, he does realise doesn’t he that your baby has no other way to communicate its needs than crying... The baby’s not doing it on purpose!

If he refused to do better
that stage was passed long ago, this man is deliberately neglecting his own baby

Your DH is probably not very good at caring, but there's reason that mums tend to do care. Women are better at caring for small children, especially infants. From 16 months, they will enjoy dad company but before, little chidren prefer mum. It feels safer.

Good dads triumph as the exciting parent when the DC begin to want to explore the world. A balance is needed.

The only reason mums are better than men at taking care of babies is because we often don’t have anyone else to shove the baby to.

He needs to grow the fuck up, the baby is not a you he can put down when he is bored or is not fun anymore, go to work, turn the phone off and wait for him to find his way around things.

He is seeing baby as optional because deep in his heart he thinks children are “women’s work”.

Profuse apologies to anyone who disagrees with my summary of the situation.

Like a few others have said, I'd also be planning my exit. This guy isn't fit for parenthood or even adulthood. You can do better. I would be scared to leave him home alone with my baby - he sounds like he could be volatile and if he isn't capable of providing your baby's basic needs...

I got as far as your second post OP. So you're the breadwinner, the unpaid nanny, the unpaid cleaner, and the cash cow too (because you earn "a bit" more than him but out in "quite a bit more" to household expenses)? What does he bring to this relationship? Note: being nice (when he's not being an arse) doesn't count. And he wants you to pay even more nursery so he can have a day off work/ childcare/ housework/ everything? I'd tell him to jog on. Are you expected to return to full time work and pay to put DC in full time nursery so you can spend your weekend doing childcare and housework and your DP can start a new career as a cocklodger? I'm angry on your behalf OP! So many useless men about. I'm worried too about the level your DP neglects your DC and your DP's anger and DC's safety, so for that alone I think I'd break up with him. Sorry you're going through such a hard time right now.

This man is negative equity in yours and your child's life.

We're talking about a 9 month old not a "new" father here.

Frankly I don't care what his issues are. Mental health or just being a lazy fucker.

He's a parent and if he can't/won't contribute to an equitable level both financially, running the home and in terms of childcare then he needs to go.

Do not give up your job or switch to nights.

You need to research fast what you're entitled to as a single parent, get your applications in and kick him out.

His "contribution" to the family unit isn't just "nil" it's vampiric in the level of drain he's taking from those he's supposed to care about.

He is an utter bloody disgrace.

Childcare should be a shared cost and if he’s not prepared to do his fair share on his days off then he definitely needs to be the one paying for an extra day at nursery for the baby. Not out of the family pot but his own personal income separate from that.

I don’t blame you for being so angry and upset. It’s horrible to know that your baby is miserable anyway but to then find out it’s because his own father is fucking useless is rage inducing. No wonder the poor little thing was smiling when he saw you- he knew mummy would get all this sorted out then and there. But that can’t keep happening as it will affect your job/career more and more.