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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my friend to contribute towards my rent?

138 replies

trixiez · 13/12/2020 11:16

NC for this

My good friend moved in with my son and I for lockdown (just before the start of the most recent one), we're currently in tier 3 and she's still here. It's been about 6 weeks I think, maybe longer.

Before she moved in, she said in passing that she can send me a little money if I wanted her to and I said that it was ok not to.

Since then, my circumstances have changed and I have got into some financial difficulty. I am behind on my rent and have been contacted by my landlord about this as a matter of urgency. I simply do not have the money to pay my rent, and she knows this. My bills have also gone up as there's obviously an extra adult in the house using the gas and electricity.

She doesn't drive, so I drive us everywhere and also take her to/from work most of the time. She also owes me money for our last two food shops, as I paid for it all and for a few other things too. She owes me about £100. Yesterday, she came home with new (non essential) hair products and a bottle of alcohol for herself. She also frequently gets takeaway food when she's at work from places like Costa.

She does help round the house and with my son/dog, but nothing major.

AIBU to expect her to offer to contribute some money? I'm really annoyed at her, but I'm not sure if I have the right to as I originally said she didn't have to pay me.

I don't know how to bring it up.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 13/12/2020 13:05

F"or those asking about council tax, I am a student so I am exempt."

As said, she isn't. If you get rent from her then she also has to pay council tax including the back payment. You are committing benefit fraud otherwise. Does your tenancy allow sub letting? That's what you are doing if you take rent.

It would be better to get your shopping money and work out what utilities she owes and go from there. Don't allow her to build up debt with you, it will sour your friendship.

You are only resenting the lifts because of your lack of money and that's unfair because she offered you money and you declined it.

sazzysazz337 · 13/12/2020 13:08

id ask for contributions definitely

PegLegTrev · 13/12/2020 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

PegLegTrev · 13/12/2020 13:14

Oops wrong thread

Viviennemary · 13/12/2020 13:18

If your house is now your friends main residence then she is liable for council tax. Unless she has another residence she is paying council tax on.

Viviennemary · 13/12/2020 13:19

Whether or not she is paying rent.

lovelystarrynight · 13/12/2020 13:21

I can't understand how anyone could go and stay with someone and let them pay for all their food, utilities, rent and give lifts etc. She's a cf in my book and you're being a mug

amicissimma · 13/12/2020 13:21

YANU to ask her for rent, share of the bills and money she owes you.

YABU to be cross with her for not reading your mind. She may have other things on her mind.

Tyke2 · 13/12/2020 13:23

@lovelystarrynight

I can't understand how anyone could go and stay with someone and let them pay for all their food, utilities, rent and give lifts etc. She's a cf in my book and you're being a mug
Exactly. To plead ignorance is not acceptable. She is 100% taking advantage of someone in a dilema.
TheCrowsHaveEyes · 13/12/2020 13:27

I don't think it is her fault. You told her she didn't need to contribute and then in the course of six weeks, you have seemingly gone from being financially self-sufficient with savings, to being behind in your rent and struggling. That is such a substantial shift in such a short period of time that it's unlikely your friend appreciates how much you're struggling. You need to have a conversation.
And as PPs have pointed out, you need to get on top of the council tax issue. You're trying to sail below the wind in regards to her financial obligations to the LA (council tax) whilst asking her to meet her financial obligations to you. It's all a bit messy. Perhaps it would be better to ask her to move out.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 13:30

@lovelystarrynight

I can't understand how anyone could go and stay with someone and let them pay for all their food, utilities, rent and give lifts etc. She's a cf in my book and you're being a mug
She offered money. OP said no. What's she meant to do, hide cash under OP's pillow?
Eddielzzard · 13/12/2020 13:36

She IS taking advantage. I would say that if she wants to carry on staying with you, you want x amount towards rent and bills, and if you drive her she also has to fill up the tank every other time, or whatever you think is fair. She also needs to pay you the £100 she owes you pdq regardless of whether she stays. If she refuses any of that, all of which is totally reasonable, she's a complete CF and should move back to her parents.

LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 13/12/2020 13:38

There are a number of things here. You can’t hint at what you want and expect someone else to work out what you mean. Equally, she must know you’re a mug for letting her stay without making any sort of contribution, and have you ferry her around and eat you out of house and home like a teenager, and is taking advantage of that.

The first thing to do is be clear about the scale of the issue: unless she pays you back the money she owes you, and starts making a realistic contribution to the additional costs she causes you to incur (food, utilities, petrol, wear and tear on the car), then you won’t be able to afford your rent, you will be evicted, and you will all be homeless. This should make her sit up and take notice, but since she has a cosy home with mum and dad to go back to, she might not feel it’s as big a deal as you do. This will show you how good a friend she really is - if she’s not that bothered about your child being homeless, then I’d suggest you don’t owe her any consideration at all.

Then, if she does want to stay and contribute, you need to agree how to treat her living with you going forward. If she’s becoming your lodger, have a proper agreement. (Check first that your tenancy agreement allows for this though).

Explore the council tax issue (you will be liable for 75% of the full CT on the property, which she should pay in its entirety, as you are otherwise exempt and it would be an additional cost incurred only by her living with you). This should be written into the lodger agreement.

Make sure it’s completely clear what you’re expecting of her. If she’s vague about it at all, or you sense any resistance to your proposals - it’s time for her to move out and stop endangering your home and financial security. Be firm, clear and direct. You can’t put your child’s home in danger for the sake of a dodgy friendship with this cheeky fucker.

Goldensnitchy · 13/12/2020 13:41

What a CF

Simplyunacceptable · 13/12/2020 13:42

You need to speak up. Explain how much you’re struggling with bills now and ask whether she can help. If she isn’t in a position to help out, she’ll have to go stay with her parents.

timeforanewstart · 13/12/2020 13:45

speak to her and ask at least for contribution to gas and electric and obviously food explain circumstances have changed
Also if your happy taking her to work tell her you will still do so but she will have to give you pocket money as you simply can't afford it

timeforanewstart · 13/12/2020 13:49

Also you mention she helps with your son do you mean looks after whilst you work ? Is she thinking that is going towards rent ?

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 13/12/2020 13:49

Just tell her straight she needs to contribute towards the rent and bills if she can’t, then she needs to go and stay with her parents.
She should of offered when she knew you was struggling, that’s bad friendship on her part.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 13:55

@Goldensnitchy

What a CF
Who? The op or the friend? The friend offered, it was only six weeks ago, the op said no as is now pissed at her for not offering again. And she wants her to pay her rent.

Which one are you saying is the cheeky fucker?

BlackCatShadow · 13/12/2020 13:56

She offered money. OP said no. What's she meant to do, hide cash under OP's pillow?

But she hasn't paid the shopping money either.

I agree with the others that the council tax issue is a big problem. I don't really get how you can be arsed ferrying her about in your car for free either. I'd just tell her that it isn't working and ask her to leave. The fact that she's buying and booze and going to Costa but not paying for shopping is worrying and suggests she's a piss-taker.

BlackCatShadow · 13/12/2020 14:00

I think you'd be utterly crazy to take her on as a lodger. Shock

AlwaysCheddar · 13/12/2020 14:01

You’ve handled this badly but you need to get her to pay what she owes as well as contribute towards bills and pay petrol money or stop driving her. Man up.

RedToothBrush · 13/12/2020 14:11

She's not a friend she's a piss taker.

A friend wouldn't have taken no for an answer on money. Especially if she knows you are in financial trouble and she owes you money already.

BameChange123 · 13/12/2020 14:15

Cut your losses get her to pay for the food shopping & extra bills she has caused. Get her to go to stay at her parents in time for xmas

DianaT1969 · 13/12/2020 14:20

The only refreshing thing about this thread is that the c**klodger isn't a new boyfriend. Your annoyance is misdirected. You should be annoyed with yourself. You are a student on a low income, with no savings and a child. Yet you invite a friend to stay long-term, say "no" when she offers money at the beginning, drive her to and from work and pay for her food.
This is easily solved. Today, you day "I know I turned down your offer of paying your way at the beginning, but I'm now out of pocket with food, utilities and petrol. I'm struggling and can't afford to subsidise you. You've been great with DC and dog, buy I do need you to cover your costs. Here's my bank account/PayPal. Pay £300 in today and we're straight for the past 6 weeks. If you'd like to stay longer we can discuss a weekly amount.

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