To expect my friend to contribute towards my rent?

[trixiez]

NC for this

My good friend moved in with my son and I for lockdown (just before the start of the most recent one), we're currently in tier 3 and she's still here. It's been about 6 weeks I think, maybe longer.

Before she moved in, she said in passing that she can send me a little money if I wanted her to and I said that it was ok not to.

Since then, my circumstances have changed and I have got into some financial difficulty. I am behind on my rent and have been contacted by my landlord about this as a matter of urgency. I simply do not have the money to pay my rent, and she knows this. My bills have also gone up as there's obviously an extra adult in the house using the gas and electricity.

She doesn't drive, so I drive us everywhere and also take her to/from work most of the time. She also owes me money for our last two food shops, as I paid for it all and for a few other things too. She owes me about £100. Yesterday, she came home with new (non essential) hair products and a bottle of alcohol for herself. She also frequently gets takeaway food when she's at work from places like Costa.

She does help round the house and with my son/dog, but nothing major.

AIBU to expect her to offer to contribute some money? I'm really annoyed at her, but I'm not sure if I have the right to as I originally said she didn't have to pay me.

I don't know how to bring it up.

You need to tell her straight, you were fine with her not contributing to rent but your financial situation has changed as you need to address this now. Tell her she needs to contribute £xx to cover the additional expense for bills and she needs to contribute £xx in rent. You’re pandering too her with the lifts to work. “It’s cold and it’s a 5 minute drive” yeah and it’ll be cold when you’re being turfed out on the street for not paying rent too. So she either contributes a token amount for petrol or you stop driving her around.

If she isn’t happy then you tell her the situation isn’t working and she has a week to move back in with her parents. You need to be assertive.

I would say, if you like meto drive you to work you need to pay some petrol money. And say you waould like contributions towards the running of the house pointing out you also got the last shops, what can she contribute on a weakly basis? She may choose to go back home but thats her choice.

YABU to be annoyed, you just need to have a calm, open, honest conversation with her. Lots of good suggestions already posted.

@YesMeLady

Paying you rent might alter her rights as a lodger so be careful and look into that carefully. Stop buying her share of the food, its time to ask her to leave. She is taking advantage of you.

Lodgers have no rights to stay anyway, so it makes no odds.

You just need to speak to her directly, and clearly

"It's been lovely having you to stay. I am happy for you to stay on. You are welcome. My financial circs have changed and I need some help with my rent. Also as its quite a while now a contribution to electricicyt and petrol if poss. What do you think would be reasonable?"

YABU to expect her to "just know" that you need her financial contribution. YABU to get snarky about her buying choices if you haven't directly told her your problem and what she can do to help. You told her she didn't need to

I am going to speak to her, it's not a communication issue. As uncomfortable as I'll find it, I will sit her down. I didn't even know whether I was being unreasonable by bringing it up at all.

For those asking about council tax, I am a student so I am exempt.

@trixiez
You are exempt as a student from paying ct. but your friend is not.

Also, I know that I can't just expect her to read behind the lines and take the hint.

But, I know that she knows I am struggling. If it was the other way round, I would be offering. It bothers me more than anything.

Charging her rent is a bit messy but paying for her food is just silly. Speak to her. You are doing neither of you any favours by getting yourself into difficulties to support her and she is taking from your son.

YANBU at all to bring it up but it is so obviously narking you - but that is unreasonable as you told her she didn't need to initially.

I think you should have made things clearer from the start. She did offer you money and you declined. But it's time to have thst conversation. But try not to make it too vague. If you want her go go then say so. Or say the amount of contribution you want.

@trixiez

I'm not receiving any benefits, my financial situation was more than comfortable until the last few weeks.

I don’t understand how you can be financially more than comfortable until a few weeks ago ( obviously less than 6 as that’s when your friend moved in ) but are now behind in bills and rent .

Get real OP. You are feeding her and putting a roof over her head, and ferrying her back and forth to work! What exactly is she contributing?

Yes, you said you didn’t need her money towards the rent, but she isn’t even contributing towards her own food. And you have told her that you are struggling financially.

At best, she is dense and not picking up on your hints. At worst, she is ignoring your hint and riding the gravy train.

Put on your big girl pants and have a grown up conversation. Ask her for the money she owes you towards the groceries so far. Work out how much your bills have gone up so far and tell her that you need her to pay that in addition to her share of groceries. And stop driving her to and from work. Yes it is nice of you but if she wants lifts to work then she needs to pay towards petrol.

"If it was the other way round, I would be offering. It bothers me more than anything."

But, bear in mind - she usually lives with her folks, as opposed to being an independent adult, she's used to people subsidising her. You told her it was cool. This doesn't make her awful, just not psychic.

C.F don't take hints she has taking advantage of your kind offering.
Tell her to go "kindness doesn't mean weakness"

YABU reasonable to be upset with her. She offered and you refused. Why would she offer again? YWNBU to sit her down and tell her the circumstances have changed and she needs to help out of she is going to stay. She will not be unreasonable to go back home since circumstances have changed. You need to find another way to pay your rent. I doubt if she gives you a dime

If it is the fact that she now knows that you are struggling but she hasn’t offered to help, that is bothering you, then maybe you should just ask her to move out.

Dear god, just ask her!

Flora

I worded it poorly. I had little savings but had plenty of disposable income at the end of the month. Income has now reduced and had some unexpected pay outs.

With CT I don't think it's as simple as the whole house is exempt, I would double check.

Marmozet

I am going to. The whole point of my post was to gage whether I would be unreasonable to ask at all.

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

"If it was the other way round, I would be offering. It bothers me more than anything."

But, bear in mind - she usually lives with her folks, as opposed to being an independent adult, she's used to people subsidising her. You told her it was cool. This doesn't make her awful, just not psychic.

No, it doesn't make her awful. I don't think she's awful. But it has annoyed me.

Just because she has been subsidised by her parents doesn't mean she lacks common sense. She is my friend and I am struggling.

Oh be very careful, you are exempt as a student but as soon as someone moves in that isn’t a student you then have to pay council tax. I woundn’t put it as rent money. I’d say she needs to put money towards petrol for lifts, say £15 per week, £20 per week for the added electricity and she needs to pay your food bill of £100 ASAP so you can be up to date with your rent. There’s a good chance these tiers will go on until February so you need to get this sorted. If all she pays is a phone bill she must have lots of spare cash.

Apply to your Universities Hardship Fund. Are you getting all the grants available from them and SF? Each Uni has different financial aid.

This is bizarre

Ask her for the money she owes you and then ask her to leave.

What does your tenancy agreement say about having another person living there?