To expect my friend to contribute towards my rent?

[trixiez]

NC for this

My good friend moved in with my son and I for lockdown (just before the start of the most recent one), we're currently in tier 3 and she's still here. It's been about 6 weeks I think, maybe longer.

Before she moved in, she said in passing that she can send me a little money if I wanted her to and I said that it was ok not to.

Since then, my circumstances have changed and I have got into some financial difficulty. I am behind on my rent and have been contacted by my landlord about this as a matter of urgency. I simply do not have the money to pay my rent, and she knows this. My bills have also gone up as there's obviously an extra adult in the house using the gas and electricity.

She doesn't drive, so I drive us everywhere and also take her to/from work most of the time. She also owes me money for our last two food shops, as I paid for it all and for a few other things too. She owes me about £100. Yesterday, she came home with new (non essential) hair products and a bottle of alcohol for herself. She also frequently gets takeaway food when she's at work from places like Costa.

She does help round the house and with my son/dog, but nothing major.

AIBU to expect her to offer to contribute some money? I'm really annoyed at her, but I'm not sure if I have the right to as I originally said she didn't have to pay me.

I don't know how to bring it up.

Tell her you are getting a paying lodger in.
Say that you need her out in 7 days.
Point blank ask for '..the xyz pound you me owe today please or tomorrow at the latest'

If she starts making excuses, and you can't keep repeating yourself,
go online and find out local room rate. Print out lodger/rental agreements. Get busy with the vacuum and taking photos(for the advert)
If she asks to stay, tell her it is rent upfront.
Or can you actually rent out a room?

Does your Landlord know there’s another person living there?

Drive her to work

@trixiez

I'm not receiving any benefits, my financial situation was more than comfortable until the last few weeks.

Your financial situation was not “more than comfortable” a few weeks ago. More than comfortable means that whatever financial disaster befalls you, it doesn’t a mere few weeks to be in a position to afford your rent!

You went wrong in thinking that you can afford to pay your higher bills with her there, that you could afford to be her free taxi, that you didn’t have to stop spending on her food the very first time she failed to pay you back... you weren’t in a financial position to do that, because you didn’t have enough savings to carry you through even a few weeks after your change in circumstances. She’s taking the piss, and you need to get real about what you can afford!

Speak to her, if she knows your struggling and not offering she isn't a friend. I had a friend move in first lockdown, it was a benefit to both of us. He lost job due to lockdown but not only helped with housework redecorated living room and painted every white surface. When he got a new job he put a lump sum in my bank account. That's how friends treat each other

It’s kind of you to drive her in the cold at odd hours. I don’t fault you for kindness. I do fault you for doing it for someone who takes the piss and doesn’t pay got her food, though 🤷🏻‍♀️

You really need to ask her. She offered only six weeks ago and you said no, not a lot of time has passed since then so she probably thinks you don’t want any help? Just sit her down and say your financial situation has changed and if she wants to continue staying with you then you’ll need x amount from her to offset the costs of the increase in bills.

She's being a bit dense but you really should be more direct. Go straight in with what you need from her, friendly and breezy, and also an idea of Timescales and chores.

If she's your friend just tell her outright - you need money towards food / bills etc. Are you claiming single persons council tax ? Be careful - you might have a liability. Likewise have you claimed UC if your income has dropped ?

YABU to expect her to offer when a few weeks ago you turned it down

You need to actually tell her you need her to contribute and to pay you back what she owes you

Be a grown up and use your words

Well you told her not to. I think she should be paying 1/3rd of food, water, gas and electricity but your rent would be the same. Maybe just a little extra for renting the room I suppose. You also seem to have made a rod for your own back giving her lifts when she could walk (also not god for the environment)

The circumstances have changed. You need to ask her to pay. She may be aware that you are having difficulty, but maybe not enough to realise you are actually hinting her to offer to pay, or ignoring knowingly to avoid paying.
It's nice if she offered, but sounds like it's not going to happen. It's way easier to just ask to contribute what she owes.

Ask her for back payment

I am presuming that, because you're on your own with your DC, that you get single occupancy counil tax reduction and possibly some benefits? You would need to declare that she is living with you as a non-dependant.

But yes she's taking the absolute piss out of you, using you, and you are settling for it.
Explain that, when you agreed to her staying, you didn't realise it would be a long term agreement..and she either needs to contribute to half of the household bills or move back to her parents. Sorry, but I don't thinl she's a friend...just a user.

You told her she didn't need to pay anything.

Now you need to tell her that your circumstances have changed and she does need to pay something

I'm not sure what the issue here is? It seems perfectly straightforward to me

Also - won't it affect your single person council tax discount?

Yanbu. Speak to her or ask her to move on as your finances have changed you can no longer afford the freeloading adult/teen friend she has become.
She certainly shouldn't be leaving you hanging for cash for food shopping and unless she is stupid believes in an energy fairy that supplies free electricity.
She sounds like a teenager.

She offered and you declined so she’s unlikely to offer again. Your circumstances have changed and you need a contribution so you need to have a conversation about it. It doesn’t need to be emotional or difficult, just very plain speaking and clear e.g. ‘I know we spoke about you paying towards the rent and I said no, but I’m afraid things have changed and I do need a contribution to bills now. Also I’m wary that you still owe me that £100 so maybe we could talk about that too?’

It sounds as if she has got far too used to having extra money in her pocket, so she probably won't offer. You need to be straight with her and say 'I'm going to have to take you up on your offer of a bit towards the rent' and see what she says. If she won't happily come to an agreement about this then it's 'this isn't working' and she can go and live with her parents. Don't apologise and don't explain too much, remember this was a favour you did for her and she isn't doing much in return.

"I know I said you didn't need to pay any money, but

a) i've lost x income and can't afford to pay rent
b) bills have gone up because you are living here
c) I've ended up subbing shopping too

So I need you to contribute to rent and bills, and pay me back what I owe, or I can't afford to have you stay here. I'm behind on my rent for last month and I don't want to lose the house. Sorry I didn't say this at the start but things have changed. Thanks"

This is all sounding very passive aggressive. You don’t want to flat out ask her for money (which you are more than entitled to do!) yet you expect her to just know you are struggling. Yet at the same time you are giving her lifts here, there and everywhere.
Your words don’t match your actions.

You need to tell her in plain, simple language that you now need her to contribute financially and then you need to stop being at her beck and call. She’s a grown ass adult and she has a job and is perfectly capable of contributing. Once you tell her how you feel you’ll find all your secret resentment will go.

You absolutely need to talk to her. You can say that when you declined you thought this was short term and that your circumstances have changed. If you don’t have savings to tide you over, then you really weren’t comfortable. She needs to pay her way.

Quite simply this is all about communication. Don’t expect people to read your mind. Say what you want and need.

If she’s your ‘good’ friend then surely she’d be fine with you asking & it’s just that she’s misunderstood / hasn’t realised.

She needs to contribute.
You decided not to accept rent from her which is fair enough as it was supposed to be only temporary etc. but now she is taking the piss.
Not charging her rent is one thing but having to pay extra for bills and the food shopping is ridiculous.
Tell her straight. She owes you 100 quid for the shopping which you need back ASAP. No more joint food shopping going forward.
And then tell her she needs to start contributing the bills as your circumstances have changed and you can't afford to be subsidizing her.
If she doesn't like it she can leave.