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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my friend to contribute towards my rent?

138 replies

trixiez · 13/12/2020 11:16

NC for this

My good friend moved in with my son and I for lockdown (just before the start of the most recent one), we're currently in tier 3 and she's still here. It's been about 6 weeks I think, maybe longer.

Before she moved in, she said in passing that she can send me a little money if I wanted her to and I said that it was ok not to.

Since then, my circumstances have changed and I have got into some financial difficulty. I am behind on my rent and have been contacted by my landlord about this as a matter of urgency. I simply do not have the money to pay my rent, and she knows this. My bills have also gone up as there's obviously an extra adult in the house using the gas and electricity.

She doesn't drive, so I drive us everywhere and also take her to/from work most of the time. She also owes me money for our last two food shops, as I paid for it all and for a few other things too. She owes me about £100. Yesterday, she came home with new (non essential) hair products and a bottle of alcohol for herself. She also frequently gets takeaway food when she's at work from places like Costa.

She does help round the house and with my son/dog, but nothing major.

AIBU to expect her to offer to contribute some money? I'm really annoyed at her, but I'm not sure if I have the right to as I originally said she didn't have to pay me.

I don't know how to bring it up.

OP posts:
Bargebill19 · 13/12/2020 12:26

Op in your current household, you only receive a 25% reduction in council tax. As a student you are exempt, which makes your friend a single occupier - which means a 25% reduction on the whole council tax liability. Presumably you are the notifiable person at the address, as far as the local council are concerned, which makes this your bill to pay.

Gardeniaofdelights · 13/12/2020 12:27

YABU to be annoyed when she offered to pay and you said no.

Tell her your circumstances have changed and ask her to start contributing.

CalmdownJanet · 13/12/2020 12:27

It's not about reading between the lines op you are doing a nice thing and irrespective of telling her you didn't want anything only a total fucking using pisstaker lives rent free, takes free lifts when she once walked, doesn't contribute to bills AND owes money for groceries. She has some cheek.

Tyke2 · 13/12/2020 12:30

I'm sorry, but she's no friend to you.
She knows your circumstances have changed and you are behind with the rent. She knows she hasn't paid for the shopping .
But she hasn't insisted that she pays her way.
That's not a friend. It's a parasite/leach.
Tell her you need the shopping money now and at least £100 a week from now on.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 12:31

@Windinmyhair

"I know I said you didn't need to pay any money, but

a) i've lost x income and can't afford to pay rent
b) bills have gone up because you are living here
c) I've ended up subbing shopping too

So I need you to contribute to rent and bills, and pay me back what I owe, or I can't afford to have you stay here. I'm behind on my rent for last month and I don't want to lose the house. Sorry I didn't say this at the start but things have changed. Thanks"

This. And do it today!
madcatladyforever · 13/12/2020 12:31

You should be more annoyed with yourself. You told her quite clearly at the start you didn't want a contribution and now you are expecting her not only to be psychic but changing the conditions of her staying because it suits you.
You need to sit down with her and tell her straight and without emotion that your circumstances have now changed financially and you will either need a contribution to the rent or she will have to leave. Straight away.
You need to be straight with people right from the beginning or its not fair on anyone.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/12/2020 12:33

She must think she's hit the jackpot that all she's got to pay is her phone bill!

Quite Hmm
It's not her fault that OP originally turned down any help, but it certainly is over the food, lifts, utilities and the rest - for me that adds up to insensitivity at best, especially when she knows OP's position

Good luck talking to her, OP; hopefully she'll help out, but if she refuses (or agrees and the money doesn't appear) you'll have a harder conversation on your hands

flaviaritt · 13/12/2020 12:36

She is obviously taking the piss. Sit her down, explain your finances and that you will lose the roof over your head if she doesn’t contribute. If she can’t contribute, she’ll have to go. No adult really thinks it’s okay to live rent-free in the home of a friend for months.

Leaannb · 13/12/2020 12:37

@Emeraldshamrock

C.F don't take hints she has taking advantage of your kind offering. Tell her to go "kindness doesn't mean weakness"
If she was a CF ot taking advantage then she never would jave offered to pay in the first place. OP said no and is now not using her grown up words to tell her that things have changed. She expects her friend to read her mind. That doesn't make her a CF
Leaannb · 13/12/2020 12:38

@flaviaritt

She is obviously taking the piss. Sit her down, explain your finances and that you will lose the roof over your head if she doesn’t contribute. If she can’t contribute, she’ll have to go. No adult really thinks it’s okay to live rent-free in the home of a friend for months.
She didn't expect to live for free. Op turned her down
emilyfrost · 13/12/2020 12:39

You told her you didn’t want money towards rent, and though she may know you’re struggling, you haven’t asked her for more so expecting her to contribute towards rent on that basis is unfair.

Even more so considering your rent would be the same either way.

The other costs are what you should be asking for the money back for, and you shouldn’t be paying out in advance for them.

MummytoCSJH · 13/12/2020 12:39

I'm a student and therefore exempt from council tax, if my friend said they suddenly had nowhere to stay and could they stay for a couple of weeks temporarily I wouldn't be informing the council they had 'moved in' Hmm but if she is going to stay then going forward yes she needs to be added to the bill and pay it since you are exempt. You HAVE to get the money from her OP or you will end up homeless yourself. She's getting a right deal!

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 13/12/2020 12:40

She’s a good enough friend that she’s moved in with you. You should be able to have this conversation with her. Is it awkward? Maybe. But do you know what will be more awkward? Being evicted along with your child for non payment of rent. If she won’t pay her way she needs to move back to her parents straight away. You don’t need to give her any notice- I certainly wouldn’t.

Also if your circumstances have changed this much make sure to check what you and your child are entitled to.

flaviaritt · 13/12/2020 12:43

She didn't expect to live for free. Op turned her down

And did she insist? And, when she heard the OP was struggling, did she insist then?

mycatlovesmenotyou · 13/12/2020 12:43

YABU to not now explain that things have changed financially, and therefore you do now need her to contribute.

  1. She either buys her own food or pays 50% of groceries
  1. She pays half the utility bills
  1. She pays for petrol or you stop giving her lifts.
  1. If she wants to stay past December, then she needs to start paying some rent. A lodger would be a good way of you covering the rent, so if you get on, she could be that lodger, if not, then she goes and you find somebody else.

She is living a free life at the moment, so if she wants to stay, then she needs to contribute.

goopsoup · 13/12/2020 12:43

She’s totally a CF. Telling someone I can send you a little money ‘if you want me to’ is such a mealy mouthed manipulative offer, no wonder OP said it’s ok. Also people conveniently forgetting she owes OP money.

OP, she’s no friend. Tell her you need £300 by Monday and then £400pm from 1 Jan (or whatever amounts are standard in your area). If she doesn’t pay up tell her to leave.

UsernameChat · 13/12/2020 12:44

I think YABU as you initially said no to her offer of rent. She may be someone who needs you to be blunt and state exactly what you need, rather than hinting around the issue. Just sit down with her and say something like, 'My financial situation has changed and, if you're going to continue to stay here, I need you to start paying £x rent from x date; as well as half the bills. I also really need you to pay me back £x for the food shop and x for petrol.'

If it's no longer working having your friend stay with you, ask her to move out.

Floralnomad · 13/12/2020 12:46

I reckon you should explain the council tax situation to her and ask her to move back home as you are leaving yourself open to a large bill .

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 12:47

Honest to god, some threads on here

You told her not to pay and are now pissed at her for not offering a second time, haven’t asked her but feel she should have taken the hint, does it get any more unreasonable?

It of course is a communication issue, you’ve no right to be angry with her. Just bloody ask her.

canigooutyet · 13/12/2020 12:48

You. will soon found out how good a friend she really is when the conversation goes along the lines of -

I know when you moved in I said it could be for free. I didn't realise how much extra it would cost. For you to stay you need to start paying X. towards Council Tax and utilities. Going shopping for food together isn't working for me as you still owe me X.

And stop with the lifts. If she was home she would have to make her own way there and back. Shouldn't be any different now. Of course it's nice to offer a lift if going in the same direction. But sounds like she has her own personal free chauffeur at the moment and no wonder you're skint.

Harrisismyparadise · 13/12/2020 12:51

You’re a student so you qualify for free council tax but once a non student moves in they are liable to pay and only get 25% discount due to you being a student.

AcornAutumn · 13/12/2020 12:52

Just bite the bullet and say “My £ situation has changed so if you stay, you need to pay x”.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/12/2020 12:53

Telling someone I can send you a little money ‘if you want me to’ is such a mealy mouthed manipulative offer

Yes, it can be sometimes - which is why I said OP will find out a lot when she actually asks for some contribution

It's one of those times I'm hoping to be wrong, but I'll be surprised (though obviously pleased) if it comes to much

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 12:56

@trixiez

I also don't think she's unaware, I've mentioned several times that I'm struggling financially and to pay the rent/bills. She's very much aware.
It's a bit of a passive aggressive approach, that is. You've told her you don't want any money, and now you need her to give you money. I think she's being a bit of a rubbish friend not to say 'Are you still sure you don't need me to contribute', but that's a separate matter. You need to let her know your new position. At the very least, she needs to pay what she owes for the shopping, and offer to move out or cover her share of the bills from now on.

Tell her you're struggling, and from that point on, stop subsidising her.

goopsoup · 13/12/2020 13:02

@Puzzledandpissedoff I’ve only read OP’s posts!

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