To consider delaying school for summer born DD?

[SunnyChange]

Me and DH are not on the same page with this so I'm wondering which of us is BU.

3 year old DD is quite bright, we're consistently told she's ahead of her peers. We do phonics with her at home, she can write her name, recognise letters and talk about words that start with them, etc. She can't read yet but I guess we have until September. However, she will tend to shut down if you push her too hard on trying to teach her something and then just mess around/use distraction to stop. Doesn't always follow instructions at the moment and preschool have said she's a bit "cheeky".

Socially, she's an independent busy body, quite social and other children all gather around her to welcome her in and play with her when he gets dropped off (I can see through the window) but takes time to settle with other adults and children, she seems to need one person as a security blanket for a little while until she branches out. She doesn't like witnessing negative behaviour and will dislike another child based on them being unkind once and needs others to respect it when she says she doesn't want them to talk to her or follow her, etc and if they don't can get quite emotional. We talk about feelings and debrief on why people do things all the time, even whilst watching TV to try and get her to understand things.

She has gone to preschool longer than the school day for 5 days a week since she was 1 so I'm not concerned about the length of day. My concerns are the not listening to instructions, shutting down with being taught sometimes and some of the social aspects. She's smaller than her peers but will jump around like them just the same.

I've mentioned it to DH who has flat out said no. His reason is that he teaches primary and said she's already at the stage of some of the Year 1s, he says you can tell some children have never had longer days at school and that kind of social interaction prior to school so she'll be fine.

AIBU to think maybe she'd benefit from delaying the school start by a year?

Why would you if she is socially fine and academically bright?

I'm on your dh's side with this. I'm not in favour of delaying starting school as a general rule and she doesn't sound like she needs it.

I think you send her when she would “ usually go” .

Listen to your DH

Ime dc behave at school in ways you can't imagine.
For example my dd's have always been very well behaved at school!!
My June birthday dd excelled.
My Sept and December dd's are academically well ahead.
1 by 2 years...

We had this discussion with our August born daughter and decided to go for it with a just after 4 start. She's been fine, she's picking up the learning really well and she's coping socially. She had also been at a nursery since 1 and is physically tiny.

She sounds able and sociable. In all honesty, if she's sociable and able, she might be bored as the very oldest, and there's the possibility of her getting a bit bossy with other younger children. Reception is going to be learning letters and then leaving the basics of reading and writing. She's going to be ahead of that by this September based on what you have written, so another year later she will be way ahead. That could give her a view of herself as better than everyone else, which could be more harmful in the long run.

I'm a reception teacher - the not listening at home etc is normal, the children develop these skills over the first term. She will adapt her behaviour to school expectations.

Good luck with it all!

Reception is going to be learning letters and then learning the basics of reading and writing.

That should say!

She sounds like a perfectly normal child for her age.

This thread will be like all the others on this subject - people projecting and seeking validation for their own personal experiences.

@Waveysnail

Why would you if she is socially fine and academically bright?

Because she might not be top of the class. The horror.

I'm with your DH on this.
Also, she will be very aware of the children going up to 'big school' and will wonder why she is staying behind at nursery.
Don't let your protective instincts hold her back.

*Waveysnail

Why would you if she is socially fine and academically bright?*

Because of some of the social elements I've been concerned about like not listening, shutting down. I was worried she wasn't ready to be pushed academically yet. Yes, she's bright and can learn but not all children are ready for school settings at 4 and a couple of weeks. I'm aware we don't always get the first choice of school and a lot of the other schools in the area that push for attainment and not necessarily focusing on practical learning and developing children's interests in subjects.

I don't have any issue about her being the brightest in the class, as long as it doesn't go horrifically and a love for learning can be nurtured, I'm of the opinion children can catch up in year 5/6 and secondary school given enough assistance.

I would have replied to seek a teacher's advice. You have, and I would go with that.

I wouldn't delay her over the reasons you have put. She sounds more than ready for reception if I'm honest. My DD started reception this year and has had no issues so far. Some kids cry everyday but they soon settle when a teacher comes over to take them in.

Why would you delay her by a year?! YABVU.

I don’t think they push kids academically in reception; I think it’s mainly play and some learning through play.

My son is starting school this sept and is old fire his year, he sounds academically way behind your daughter, but I’m hoping he’ll enjoy playing all day with kids his age rather than being with younger kids at nursery/pre school.

Even after your dh your dds other parent, and who also happens to be a primary school teacher has advised that she will be fine in school, you are still undecided......From what you have written you have literally described most reception children and your dd is only 3, yes some children struggle in reception but rarely is it down to when they were born in the school year.

I wouldn't delay her. My DD is summer born and started reception in sept. When she started she couldn't write her name, recognize all of the letters etc but is doing fine. She had come on leaps abs bounds. As for the other aspects, our cheeky little girl who seems incapable of concentrating or sitting still for more than 5 minutes at home is an angel in school apparently! I wouldn't worry at all.

The bit that stood out for me in your OP was:

She can't read yet but I guess we have until September.

Are you aiming to have her reading by next September?

Let her develop at her own pace, concentrate on having fun together as a family rather than analysing her every move, poor child.

My daughter started reception in September and can't read any words currently.
She doesn't need to start reception able to read.

My DD is an August baby. She is fairly bright, big for her age and sociable. We did consider deferral after my ex-teacher relative went on a massive diatribe about how difficult school is for summer-borns. But really seeing her at nursery she didn’t seem any “younger” than her peers and she seems to be getting on fine at school. Also I didn’t think an extra year of nursery would benefit her more.

She is almost exactly a year younger than a friend’s DD who did defer for a year, but she was born at I think around 35 weeks so would have been in that year if she’d come on time IYSWIM.

Nothing in your post makes me think she shouldn’t start school. DD2s teacher in Reception told us at carpet time when the teacher was talking she would get up and wander off. But that only lasted a short time. They all get into the routines of school, even summer born children. As others have said Reception is play based learning not advanced mathematics.

I would send her , it wouldn’t cross my mind to defer . When you say summer born when is her birthday @SunnyChange

Nope. She won't be pushed academically in reception given what she can already do.

I think 4 is too young but an "Independent busybody" personality (I have one of those, also August born) isn't one that is easy as the oldest child in the class where you can avoid it.

My DD is now 5, did reception last year, had some listening/obedience issues but the school got through them with various interventions. We moved during lockdown and she's now in a mixed Scottish P1/2 class and happily settled near the top of the P1s with some P2 friends.

Scottish system where she's mid year and started at 5 would have been better for her but starting at 5 in England at the top end of the age range would have been worse than starting at 4 socially.

The stubborn not listening stuff, defiance, is personality as much as age for my DD - she tends to challenge authority in a setting, look for the acceptable limits and see how far she can push. Better she did this as the youngest in the class possibly... She has never been good about doing stuff she doesn't see the point of...

In this case I see no reason to hold them back a year. You have the great added advantage of a teachers perspective... Trust your DH professional opinion on your child.