To consider delaying school for summer born DD?

[SunnyChange]

Me and DH are not on the same page with this so I'm wondering which of us is BU.

3 year old DD is quite bright, we're consistently told she's ahead of her peers. We do phonics with her at home, she can write her name, recognise letters and talk about words that start with them, etc. She can't read yet but I guess we have until September. However, she will tend to shut down if you push her too hard on trying to teach her something and then just mess around/use distraction to stop. Doesn't always follow instructions at the moment and preschool have said she's a bit "cheeky".

Socially, she's an independent busy body, quite social and other children all gather around her to welcome her in and play with her when he gets dropped off (I can see through the window) but takes time to settle with other adults and children, she seems to need one person as a security blanket for a little while until she branches out. She doesn't like witnessing negative behaviour and will dislike another child based on them being unkind once and needs others to respect it when she says she doesn't want them to talk to her or follow her, etc and if they don't can get quite emotional. We talk about feelings and debrief on why people do things all the time, even whilst watching TV to try and get her to understand things.

She has gone to preschool longer than the school day for 5 days a week since she was 1 so I'm not concerned about the length of day. My concerns are the not listening to instructions, shutting down with being taught sometimes and some of the social aspects. She's smaller than her peers but will jump around like them just the same.

I've mentioned it to DH who has flat out said no. His reason is that he teaches primary and said she's already at the stage of some of the Year 1s, he says you can tell some children have never had longer days at school and that kind of social interaction prior to school so she'll be fine.

AIBU to think maybe she'd benefit from delaying the school start by a year?

If you do request to defer her, OP, make sure you ask what happens when she moves to secondary school. We had a child who went straight into Yr8 from primary and another who left primary in Yr5, because the secondaries didn’t accept children into Yr7 who were out of their chronological age group.

The social elements you mention are completely normal for a child her age (and older) and you are experiencing them to some extent because you are pushing her on the "learning" etc before she is ready.

She sounds absolutely fine and ready for school. In addition children will almost always attempt things for a teacher that they arent willing to do for you at home.

Your DH "expecting: her to read is his own personal expectation/hope, possibly informed by his professional experience and ability to judge her aptitude in that ready.
The vast majority of children do not start school already able to read. Your DH will know this and I'm afraid I think your whole premise here is just a stealth beast.

Over and out.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Your DH "expecting: her to read is his own personal expectation/hope, possibly informed by his professional experience and ability to judge her aptitude in that ready. The vast majority of children do not start school already able to read. Your DH will know this and I'm afraid I think your whole premise here is just a stealth beast.

Over and out.

It probably is a stealth boast. However, children who learn their phonics earlier do tend to pick up reading sooner. Or maybe if they grow up in a house like ours where we need subtitles helps . There's no need to push though, especially if the child is fighting learning. You'll just make it a chore.

For goodness sake. She is three. Of course she's pissed off when you try and make her sit down and learn how to read and write.

That's not a defect it's her being 3. Good reception classes don't do that with children when they're 4 either.

You're trying to create a child who will be at the top of her class for your own ego boost. Stop. Let her be 3. Encourage her to learn through play, or the main thing you will teach her is to hate learning.

1. if you live in the UK I don't think you get a choice about delaying school, unless a child is developmentally delayed. You could theoretically refuse to send her to school for the whole of YR as she won't be 5, but then she would have to go straight into Y1.

1. Children aren't expected to be able to read when they start school - in fact I have seen cases where the teacher has clearly been a bit exasperated (not in front of the child) because they don't know what to do with them, when every child is expected to go through basic phonics.

1. You don't know what she'll be like in 9 months' time and she may well have advanced emotionally as well as academically.

I see no good reason for her not to start school next year.

Yabu

There are no reasons that I can see to defer.

She doesn't need to read, write or do phonics yet. They teach it mostly through play in school and they don't push them.

Obviously if she enjoys it and is doing well go for it. But you say she gets distracted and shuts down if you try to teach her something. That means she's had enough and it's too much for her. It happens in school too and they will go at the child's pace. They only have a short attention span at that age and will generally only concentrate for 10 minutes or so.

It all just sounds a bit intense for a 3 year old.

I have to say I never really understand why people delay school starting. My birthday is August 31st so I was quite literally the youngest in my school year, it was never an issue.

I really don’t think there’s a need to delay.

I’d also be wary of pushing her to read too much before she starts school. She’ll be a bit bored when she starts. Most children can’t read when they start. 50% can write their name at our school. The odd one can read a bit but most can’t.

They go through every single letter sound, spending a few days on it.

We were told to focus on whether they can use the toilet on their own and change their shoes.

YABVU and you might not think you’re pushing her but you are, and you need to stop.

Don’t defer her start; you’ll be doing her no favours.

Another who thinks it sounds like you're pushing her waaay to hard at 3. Why do you think you have to teach her to read before September? That's what they do at school! My bright, September born ds is only really just starting to read now (year one, 6yo) which his teachers say is completely in track for his age.

I know this isn't what you're saying, but I find it quite sad when parents are so keen for their children to shine academically when they're so little. I also can't see how it's doing a child any favours to have hot-housed them so that they're way ahead of their peers, as they're then just going to be bored when they do it all again in reception/y1.

The important thing to consider, IMO, is whether she's socially and emotionally ready to be at school full time and it sounds like she probably is, or will be by September.

@FamilyOfAliens

You assumed wrong. It's not my aim and I'm not involved in teaching her it but I don't object to 5-10 minutes of phonics a day unless I can see she's not interested. I have no idea of what the expectations of reception are other than the obvious which you mentioned.

Not a stealth boast at all and I definitely didn't want it to come across that way. Both me and DH were very anxious children and making friends wasn't easy for us, plus we've been pretty average academically. I've worried that we weren't doing the right thing for her as I don't want her to be like we were. It's so hard to make a decision now for something almost a a year away.

Thanks for the replies anyway, it's helped me make a decision on this.

In the nicest way. You really need to send her in September.
Your anxiety and PFB ness is shining through.

9 months until September- that's a really long time for a child of that age to grow abs develop. Though I think she already sounds about average

@purringpaws You are probably right there.

A month or so ago OP I posted about the same thing regarding my 4 year old son. The thread became really long so you may find it of interest.

Chronologically my son is due to start school next September, a week after his 4th birthday.

For months and months me and my husband have been going back and forth over this decision - we just cannot make up our mind what to do.

We’ve applied for a place for him to start next year is in age cohort, but we have until April to make our final decision.....so only 4+ months of going back and forth to go....

We delayed our so we born DS, so he started reception at just turned 5. Best decision we ever made for him.

It’s nothing to do with him being top of the class (I have no idea where he is, I’m not interested in how his classmates are doing) and everything to do with what his right for him. He would not have been ready socially or emotionally at 4.

People on mums net are weirdly against this. I don’t know why it bothers anyone what other people choose for their kids. Feel free to DM if you want any info OP

Good luck with this. I recall feeling this about my spring born PFB.

By the time I had my second abs they were autumn born, I was enquiring about sending them a year early ! Not because they were gifted either 😀😊

They went in the correct year and thrived. As did my PFB 😀

It sounds like you have very high expectations of your dd and this might be skewing your view. The fact that you said that she can’t read yet but she has until September?! She doesn’t need to be able to read before she goes to school. She hasn’t been 3 for very long. Her behaviour sounds completely normal for her age. At school, most children tend to learn the rules for school and behave there. My ds started reception this year, and whilst following instructions etc can be tricky at home, at school he is able to do so. Please take the pressure off her and listen to your dh. Who better to judge this than a primary school teacher?!

And remember, you aren’t delaying her starting school, you just aren’t sending her until she legally has to be there.

I'm going to defer my son who's an August born baby. He's currently 2 and no issues at all but I feel it's unfair to expect him to start school just turned 4 and have to follow rules etc and be in a uniform. I have 2 kids already at primary school and they are autumn born and doing well. I know they wouldn't have been ready a year before to be in school and not would he. Reception is not the worry- that's play based but it's year one where they are expected to sit down and write sentences and have less play. I don't think he should be doing that at 5 years old. As there's an option of giving him another year to mature I'm going down that route. But my husband and I are in agreement on this. It may be different for you. Also boys tend to be a bit later in readiness to learn and more active. With your dd she might be more ready. I also recommend the Facebook page for summerborns too so you can get a wide range of opinions. She's your daughter so it's only you and your husband who can make the final decision. Be aware though some councils are not very willing to accept deferrals though. Some are like Hertfordshire but others on the Facebook group have had trouble deferring their children with the schools not agreeing unless their child has additional needs.

I'm with your husband. If she is bright and socially confident she will be bored at nursery.

Also remember what she is like at home is not what she will be like at school. It sounds like you're pushing her quite hard and I would guess you sit down and do things with her at a table etc (maybe not). At school a good teacher will do lots of different games and ways of learning with the kids and they wont feel like they are learning if that makes sense, most receptions now do play based learning not formal. Also most children are much more cheeky and worse at listening at home than at school

People on mums net are weirdly against this. I don’t know why it bothers anyone what other people choose for their kids.

I think when people ask for advice or opinions on a parenting forum, you kind of assume that anyone who answers is interested in doing so.

Otherwise every similar thread would have people posting “It’s up to you what you do, OP. I’m really not bothered.”

I have two children. At just turned four one would have absolutely thrived in reception - was writing, adding, subtracting, independent, sociable, could follow instructions, loved nursery and basically school ready. If they were summer born I would never have considered keeping them back.

The other I’d have held back a year if I could, even though they were four and a half when they started. They were unable to hold a pencil/crayon, not interested in phonics or mark making, very clingy, barely continent, very socially immature and basically not ready. Even then, now they’re a few years in, I think sending them was the right thing to do, it was actually the making of them and they flew.

Basically it depends on your child, I don’t think there’s a blanket answer, but to me it sounds like they’ll be absolutely fine at school.

@Emmacb82 If you RTFT, you will see who it is who has the expectations.

She's three for goodness sake! All of the things you gave outlined are perfectly normal and I wouldn't think of delaying school start.