To consider delaying school for summer born DD?

[SunnyChange]

Me and DH are not on the same page with this so I'm wondering which of us is BU.

3 year old DD is quite bright, we're consistently told she's ahead of her peers. We do phonics with her at home, she can write her name, recognise letters and talk about words that start with them, etc. She can't read yet but I guess we have until September. However, she will tend to shut down if you push her too hard on trying to teach her something and then just mess around/use distraction to stop. Doesn't always follow instructions at the moment and preschool have said she's a bit "cheeky".

Socially, she's an independent busy body, quite social and other children all gather around her to welcome her in and play with her when he gets dropped off (I can see through the window) but takes time to settle with other adults and children, she seems to need one person as a security blanket for a little while until she branches out. She doesn't like witnessing negative behaviour and will dislike another child based on them being unkind once and needs others to respect it when she says she doesn't want them to talk to her or follow her, etc and if they don't can get quite emotional. We talk about feelings and debrief on why people do things all the time, even whilst watching TV to try and get her to understand things.

She has gone to preschool longer than the school day for 5 days a week since she was 1 so I'm not concerned about the length of day. My concerns are the not listening to instructions, shutting down with being taught sometimes and some of the social aspects. She's smaller than her peers but will jump around like them just the same.

I've mentioned it to DH who has flat out said no. His reason is that he teaches primary and said she's already at the stage of some of the Year 1s, he says you can tell some children have never had longer days at school and that kind of social interaction prior to school so she'll be fine.

AIBU to think maybe she'd benefit from delaying the school start by a year?

She won't be pushed academically when she starts school. It's just about social interaction and learning the things that it seems you've already been teaching her, what are your going to do, stop teaching her anything when she seems like a bright little thing so she isn't bored and frustrated when she starts school a year later?

I wouldn’t delay school, as it’s important to all start at the same time. Many years ago, I had the choice to send my son in to start school after October half term, which I did. But unfortunately he missed out on the friends bonding stage, so when he started, friendships had already been formed. He was bright, could count up to 100 and could read. He went straight into the top groups with mostly children who were born in September when he was born in May.

Your DH is right.

I agree with your DH. I see no reason to defer, and her behaviour sounds typical for a child of her age.

I was worried she wasn't ready to be pushed academically yet

Yet you're pushing her academically, talking about teaching her phonics, and mentioning she can't read - it's utterly normal for children to not read at entry to reception, you appear to have a strange idea about academic pushing that you're actually doing - when the child should be playing and if you want to guide it, guide it towards vocabulary, ideas, concepts, knowledge, working memory or other things that actually help.

Phonics, reading, are just skills, skills most kids learn without much trouble during the early years of school, lots of kids with the appropriate developmental stage can learn it before - and some without the developmental stage would do well from delaying.

Are you in Scotland? You can do it there without much issue I think, but in England you generally have a bit of a battle.

In England, you have no legal obligation to send her until the term after her 5th birthday, however you don’t automatically have the right to offset the year. She may end up needing to start in a Year 1 class.

I do know someone who did manage it, and she is in the year below, however it was due to the child having special educational needs. It was far from an easy process.

If your child was premature you can get support from Bliss - the premature baby charity - but again, there’d need to be significant need and it sounds like you have a very bright child.

Are you able to fully fund her extra year in nursery? I’m not sure if you’d be eligible for another 30 hours free place.

I have a summer baby who is now 18. She levelled out eventually but I wish I had pulled back a year right at the start. For her it was academic reasons not social.
However she is off to start a degree next year.

My dd is August born- bizarre idea to me that we would choose to put her further behind by starting school a yr Later- and no my child can’t do half the things yours clearly can but I know she will be fine Yabu

@FamilyOfAliens

The reading was something DH has said he'd expect her to be by the start. Not sure whether that's based on her abilities or whether he thinks that's normal. We could both read by 4 but I'm in no way pushing her to read at all and if anything have taken a back seat educationally so far and have just let her get on with developing her social skills at home and with family and friends (obviously not at much this year).

Perhaps she's shutting down precisely because you are pushing her too hard.

Let her progress at a reasonable pace and maybe she'll be willing to learn. And no, she doesn't need to be reading by September.

You're over analysing her behaviour. All children are different and they are starting school with all those differences, which is what makes them who they are.

Both my DGC are summer born, both are among the very youngest in their year groups and both are very different personalities.

However, they are both thriving and both are exactly where they should be in terms of learning; there is no 'catching up' necessary.

I would imagine she’ll be fine. Our two girls are both very independent (& stubborn as mules) born in July/August. It’s never been a problem at school and they’ve fitted in fine with the other kids/managed with most things so far. Eldest is finding some of the maths stuff a little challenging in Y2 but she’s fine with everything else and am sure she’ll get the hang of that too. You have the advantage of a parent who teaches that age and will have a really good idea of what’s expected of kids in reception and who can help her with any areas she may struggle with later in primary if she’s a little less mature than some of the older kids. Take advantage of his experience and follow his advice.

She has another nine months to mature until she starts, which is a huge amount of time at 3/4 years old

She doesn’t sound any different to most children her age, they will have have little foibles but she’s not behind academically of socially so I think she should start as normal aged 4

My eldest is very similar to your daughter, probably worse on the social aspect. There was no question in my mind about him starting reception, he needed to learn the social aspect of school far more than the academic. He still loves the way they learn, even if he already knows it, and he gets some one to one on the subjects he's ahead in (maths mainly).

There's only one child I've known that's been reasonably kept back a year, and they're being assessed for autism. Their parents didn't want them getting lost in mainstream before having a full diagnosis, and as a summer born it made sense to use the extra few months. Otherwise kids, whether they're academic, social, slightly younger or older, typically balance out eventually.

and if anything have taken a back seat educationally so far

She's 3, yet you do phonics at home and are already thinking about deferring her, that's not really taking a back seat. You might not think you're pushing her, but it comes across that way.

Your DH is a primary school teacher so I'd say he was best placed to make a judgement on whether he think she is ready or not.....

Listen to your DH who will have seen and taught hundreds of children and ket her start school. Why would you not take his professional advice?

I think there's a risk that she'll be bored at school if you wait a year. She sounds bright and as pps have said, kids can often behave differently at school than in other situations.

The reading was something DH has said he'd expect her to be by the start.

And you say he’s a primary school teacher? What have his expectations got to do with your child’s development?

When children start in reception at our school, we ask parents to try to ensure they can go to the toilet by themselves, dress themselves, share with other children, and ask an adult if they need help. They won’t learn if they’re too worried about the social side.

You did say “we have until September” regarding the reading so I’m assuming you both have that as an aim, not just your DH.

I cannot recommend the Facebook group 'Flexible School Admissions For Summerborns' lots of really great advice and information on there and a very friendly, knowledgeable group of parents. I deffered my summerborn boy who is very bright, just turned 4 is too young for formal education in my opinion. Reception is usually fine but year 1 is where the struggle can start as its a lot more 'bottoms on seats' and working. We are one of the very few countries who send their children so young into formal education. We want our son to thrive and not just survive his schooling. Also he is one of 4 in his class who have been deferred, so it's definitely becoming more normalised.

I agree with your dh.

From how you've described her you run a very real risk of her being bored senseless in the additional year. Many autumn born kids have clearly outgrown nursery and are bored. She doesn't need to be perfect, the whole point of reception is to get them ready for more formal school. She sounds like she is doing great and delaying her will be at her detriment.

Mine is a year 1 autumn born child and still can't read simple words. She isn't the only in her class. To expect them reading before they start is completely unnecessary

There is always a cut off and someone will have to be the youngest! Just get on with it.

The 30 hours funding can be continued until compulsory school age ie term after the child is 5.

She's such a little girl at the moment, and has almost a year before she will be starting school. A lot will change in that time, and she will be a very different little girl than she is now.

She probably shuts down when you're trying to teach her because you're pushing too hard! She doesn't need lessons at 3, she needs to play, be cuddled, be loved, and have fun and experience the world.

It's great that she can write her name etc, but honestly, the things you mentioned (like reading) is what she will learn at school. You're not expected to teach her how to read novels before she goes. That's what school is for, otherwise there would be no point in her going.

Let her enjoy being little, and learn through play and experiences. There will be plenty of time for formal education - and FWIW yes, I think she should go when she's supposed to!