To consider delaying school for summer born DD?

[SunnyChange]

Me and DH are not on the same page with this so I'm wondering which of us is BU.

3 year old DD is quite bright, we're consistently told she's ahead of her peers. We do phonics with her at home, she can write her name, recognise letters and talk about words that start with them, etc. She can't read yet but I guess we have until September. However, she will tend to shut down if you push her too hard on trying to teach her something and then just mess around/use distraction to stop. Doesn't always follow instructions at the moment and preschool have said she's a bit "cheeky".

Socially, she's an independent busy body, quite social and other children all gather around her to welcome her in and play with her when he gets dropped off (I can see through the window) but takes time to settle with other adults and children, she seems to need one person as a security blanket for a little while until she branches out. She doesn't like witnessing negative behaviour and will dislike another child based on them being unkind once and needs others to respect it when she says she doesn't want them to talk to her or follow her, etc and if they don't can get quite emotional. We talk about feelings and debrief on why people do things all the time, even whilst watching TV to try and get her to understand things.

She has gone to preschool longer than the school day for 5 days a week since she was 1 so I'm not concerned about the length of day. My concerns are the not listening to instructions, shutting down with being taught sometimes and some of the social aspects. She's smaller than her peers but will jump around like them just the same.

I've mentioned it to DH who has flat out said no. His reason is that he teaches primary and said she's already at the stage of some of the Year 1s, he says you can tell some children have never had longer days at school and that kind of social interaction prior to school so she'll be fine.

AIBU to think maybe she'd benefit from delaying the school start by a year?

In my area the council will only allow a delayed start of the child is summer born and has specific reasons such as learning difficulties, being less socially developed etc.

This here ”Both me and DH were very anxious children and making friends wasn't easy for us, plus we've been pretty average academically. I've worried that we weren't doing the right thing for her as I don't want her to be like we were” to s why you should be doing some research and thinking about delaying her for a year. 4 is still young emotionally and while she may be great with the academic side of things, it’s the emotional aspects that can really effect them. They can be great at numbers but fall apart if they don’t get a sticker. Or they find the change in regime difficult and not have the tools to cope with it. They won’t be taught that at school. School is for learning to read and write and the emotional stuff is just not covered. If she’s used to achieving and getting lots of positive attention, how will she cope with being corrected or not getting that reinforcement? Delaying her a year will give her the chance to develop the social and emotional tools she needs to build confidence. School is just one part of learning what they need to grow into happy, confident adults and I think people tend to overlook the non-academic things that can actually hinder their development. They need to be able to cope with setbacks and failure and that only happens when they’ve got a secure background. Look at the stats on long term summer born achievement and career paths. MN seems to love packing young children off to school at the earliest opportunity

I don’t understand the obsession with delaying summer-borns, unless there is a very serious social or academic delay. Reception is largely play-based and the teacher will be expecting the kids to have a wide range of ability. My august-born DD started school aged 4 and two weeks, and has thrived.

OP - YABU. I agree with your DH. I have 3 children - 2 summer born - both top half of class . They would have hated to have been kept down a year. None of my children could read before reception - they all started on the Kipper and Chip books - and were reading so quickly.

She sounds like she'll be entirely ready in September. I think your concerns are things that will be easily addressed in a reception class; in fact, probably more easily in a classroom where she is at the younger end than at her pre-school where she'll end up the oldest.

I’m very in favour of deferral especially if August born (I don’t think you’ve said when your DD’s birthday is?) but nothing you’ve said makes me think deferring would be of benefit to her. Bear in mind that she already does long days at preschool, so she might be thoroughly bored of preschool if she had to attend another year. If she’s already writing and doing phonics then I’m sure she’ll thrive come September.

I deferred my May born son but he’s autistic and undeniably needed an extra year to be socially and emotionally mature enough for Reception (at 5.5 he’s still well behind his peers in that respect). Starting school at 4 and a bit would not have gone well.

The way your post read at first it sounded like you wanted her to start and your partner not, so really surprised its the reverse.
My som is late July baby but was so ready for school. And your daughter sounds very ready too. But I'd stop with the trying to get her to read. Life should be fun and she'll learn with the others at school, she doesn't need to be able to read by September! Maybe she shuts down because you are expecting too much. She sounds like a perfectly normal kid, the understanding and tolerance for other people's actions will come with age and maturity, and most kids are certain not there by reception.

It may of changed but when my summer born son started school of i had delayed he would if joined the same year group who already had a year to male friends , form social groups
My ds couldn't write his name properly and certainly not read though and academically he was behind his peers for a couple of years ( things clicked about 6) but he formed friendship groups , learnt how to follow instructions and was happy in school and to me that is all that mattered , at 17 he is still good friends with a couple from his reception class and for him as he was shy I think starting later and joining an established group would of been harder

Also not many primary school teachers I mow that expect reception children to be able to read

So she will have just turned 4? Far too young for school imo.
I'm in scotland and my ds2 was 4 and a half by the time he went. That was still too young, but I wouldn't have been able to hold him back because there was no reason.
I think this country should learn from others with regards to formal education. I have family in Denmark, and kids don't start school until 6 and over there. Much better imo.

Also you don't have a deadline of September for her learning to read. Most children go to school without knowing how to read. The competitive parenting must make it so much harder for teachers. Undoing bad habits that have been taught by parents, having children at completely different levels, not just some a bit more ahead than others so having to teach completely different things.

So she will have just turned 4?

I don't think the OP has said what month her daughter was born. The DFE consider summerborn to mean anything from 1st April to 31st August, so depending on her birthday she could have been 4 for a while.

I absolutely would. Starting school at barely 4 is madness. I was going to for my summerborn DS but ended up moving to Scotland where deferring is offered and children start later anyway so he started the August after he was 5 instead of 4.

Sounds like she'll be bored stiff if you defer. My summer-born ds thrived. You sound a bit intense imho.

@SunnyChange point taken, I just read back. Apologies.
Only you can decide what is best for her, but dd sounds like a bright, sociable individual who would probably thrive at school. But you have every right to start her at 5 if you feel that’s right for her. It’s one of those things that until they are in the situation you don’t know which way it’s going to go!

Another vote for bored stiff. Reception really isn't about being made to sit down and learn what you are told. It's about exploring the activities designed to learn from, with the guidance of the adults in the room, she will have an absolute ball.

It’s all very well saying ‘starting school at just 4 is madness’, but plenty of children thrive. They are not sitting at desks being drilled on times tables and the kings of England; it’s mostly play. And the comparison with Scandinavia, which always gets trotted out on these threads, is false. Yes, they don’t start school until 6 or 7 but most of them have been in childcare settings since they were babies, and will have started some academic learning during that time. They don’t just play until they’re 7.

Listen to DH. Both my kids are summerborn. DC1 absolutely needed to start a year later. DC2 is going to be fine.

Your post is a complete humble brag btw.

There is so much time from now until she starts Reception that you can't judge how well she will or won't cope with school based on how she is now. She sounds like a perfectly normal 3 year old and there is nothing worrying in what you've said to indicate she may struggle with school. She also definitely doesn't need to be able to read before she starts school. In my experience children learning at their own pace is always the best option.

She can't read yet but I guess we have until September.

Both my dc started reception unable to read? Genuine question but have you got things confused? Do you think children are meant to start reception being able to read. They won't be expected to read. I'd send her, she sounds ready.

She will benefit massively from going, let her go!

@pigsDOfly has hit the nail on the head and said exactly what l was going to say. She is 3 and has got years of learning ahead of her....if you peak too early she will rebel and shut down even more.

And actually if you teach her to read etc before she starts school, she will be bored! I would concentrate on teaching her skills like doing her own shoes and buttons up, that kind of thing, leave the actual teaching to the teachers

I'm also wondering if the op is confused about the set up of reception and what goes on...it's certainly not some academic hot house...it's more like a pre school but with more play based learning. They won't be sitting at desks all day nor will they walk in on day one and be expected to read.