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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

h went to strip club - thread 2

353 replies

porcelaine · 13/12/2020 10:33

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

OP posts:

MindatWork · 16/12/2020 13:57

Oh OP, he’s so, SO horrible. Take a step back and think about how spiteful he’s being. He’s really showing his true colour now. What would you say to a friend if she showed a message like that from her DH?

He’s also wrong - in his opinion, ‘it takes two to wreck a marriage’ means he can do what he wants with no consequences and you just have to sit there and take it. You’ve shown him that’s not true and now he’s lashing out.

Please don’t let him bring you back down, you’re so much better off without him. I know you

TonMoulin · 16/12/2020 13:59

Oh Nooooo.

It takes two to make a relationship work. But only ONE person to destroy it all.

He is pushing to make you feel crap and guilty (and managing it too :().
Procelaine, re read ypur first thread and this one. Re read people's posts and how everyone is saying that going to the strip club is HIS decision and HE destroyed the relationhip.

You are NOT to blame in there.

user1471565182 · 16/12/2020 14:00

Tell him put away his little book of 90s cliches and stfu unless he has anything important to say about him dissappearing more quickly

TonMoulin · 16/12/2020 14:01

I dont miss him, I feel lighter

That is the most important thing you need to remember. Regardless of the reasons, the why or responsibility, the fact you are feeling lighter when he is not around tells you everything. That you are much better wo him and your life will be better.

The start of a separation is crap. No doubts about it. But remember that feeling.

SnowDogFarts · 16/12/2020 14:12

He really is blameless in all of this, isn't he? Or so he thinks. Honestly, every message from him is a reminder of why you are right to leave him.

It took one person to go to that strip club.
It took one person to take £400 to spend at said strip club.
It took one person to take another £400 to appease his guilt.
It took one person to clear out the joint account.
It took one person to pack his shit and flounce out of the door.
It took one person to use manipulation, emotional blackmail and coercion to try and get his way.

That one person was him.

The other person in this, you, have only said NO to his shit. That is not marriage wrecking, it's executing your right to refuse to be in a relationship with someone prepared to do all of the above to his wife and children.

You are demonstrating a lot of strength and resilience. Keep going, because you deserve so much better.

billy1966 · 16/12/2020 14:18

@SnowDogFarts

He really is blameless in all of this, isn't he? Or so he thinks. Honestly, every message from him is a reminder of why you are right to leave him.

That one person was him.

You are demonstrating a lot of strength and resilience. Keep going, because you deserve so much better.

This.

It takes two to keep a marriage working properly but only one selfish, self absorbed prick to wreck it.

Permanently.

OP please hold onto the feeling of being lighter in yourself.

That is your gut screaming at you, that you are on the right track.

Change is scary sometimes. But your change is making you feel lighter too.

lakesidexmas · 16/12/2020 14:24

It takes two to make a relationship work. But only ONE person to destroy it all.

He really is running out of options to make you follow the script he had in his mind.
He is back to blaming you again.
Quite why he feels that you should share the blame about hundreds of pounds he spent on strippers goodness only knows.
I do think the rage he is talking about is his own however.
He just makes himself look less and less attractive as a partner.
Rather than feeling shit OP I would be congratulating myself on having done and excellent job in having stuck to getting rid of this idiot.

Original poster

porcelaine · 16/12/2020 14:25

if he had not gone to the strip club.
if he had not told me the same day I found out, that I was blowing it out of proportion.
if he had just let me upset for a few fucking days.
if he had not started alluding that it was my fault or that I had done wrong by being "distant".
if he had not turned around and said he was leaving me because I couldnt get over it LESS THAN A WEEK AFTER IT HAPPENED.
if he had not left.
if he had not taken the money out of our joint a.c
if he had not brought our families into it
if he had not said he wouldn't contact me, then started sending me messages that veered from apologetic and understanding to nasty and accusing.
if he had not said if I didnt spend xmas with him we were properly done.
if he had not said it was both of our fault.

all I did was react to an upsetting, shocking thing he did to us, then refuse to back down or beg him.

I'm not perfect, but I dont think I deserved to be emotionally pushed around like this for over a week now. he is the one who left. he says that I agreed to it by not asking him to stay and work on it. but I just wasnt going to cave and beg him as its what he wanted.

he is being vindictive, cruel, self absorbed. I am just trying to carry on.

OP posts:

ContessaDiPulpo · 16/12/2020 14:41

So often it is not the original action that causes us the most upset, but the way the person reacts when told they got it wrong. Your husband is a living example of this phenomenon.

OP, all you have done is have boundaries. If you back down now he will take it as tacit permission to do whatever the hell he likes in future, because in his eyes you don't get to have boundaries.

Original poster

porcelaine · 16/12/2020 14:46

But why did he leave? Why if all he says about how he loves me/us is true, did he just leave instead of stay and work through this?

OP posts:

AmIpg · 16/12/2020 14:52

Because he wants to be in control of you and he's trying every which way he knows to get you back under the thumb.

AmIpg · 16/12/2020 14:53

He didn't like being the bad guy so he flounced and thought you'd come crying and begging. He's running out of ways to get you to sing to his tune.

TheLongRider · 16/12/2020 14:54

It's not the truth, none of this is true. If he was telling the truth, he wouldn't be in this situation. The only person telling and holding onto the truth is you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/12/2020 14:59

Well he left so you’d be a little more cowed, then next time he does it you won’t dare say anything because you’ll fear him leaving.

FourPlatinumRings · 16/12/2020 15:45

he says that I agreed to it by not asking him to stay and work on it

Wow. The extent of his gumption is incredible. Just stop engaging. Clearly he'll stop at nothing to try and get you to take him back, including guilt trips.

Mochudubh · 16/12/2020 15:54

@porcelaine

I opened his message. He just said it takes 2 to wreck a marriage, that he hopes my rage keeps me warm at night and that I’m happy on top of my high horse. I feel shit.

He's nasty.

Rosebean92 · 16/12/2020 15:55

@porcelaine

I opened his message. He just said it takes 2 to wreck a marriage, that he hopes my rage keeps me warm at night and that I’m happy on top of my high horse. I feel shit.

He trying every trick in the book to make you feel guilty so he can come back.

My theory is that he left because he wanted to give you a shock so you would beg him to come back, forgive him and carry on like he was before. He had no real intention of leaving indefinatley.

Now because you have not done that he is really panicking, stuck at his mums and is thinking "oh shit what do i do now? She was supposed to beg me to come back!! I'd better write some nasty messages to guilt trip her into changing her mind".

To echo another poster on here - this isnt what love is. I'm so sorry hes making you feel shit. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel happy and secure.

ILoveYourLittleHat · 16/12/2020 16:13

My husband wrote a book in his spare time, going off on the odd day to research in another city. I helped him, looked after the kids when he needed, proof read it and offered suggestions. I see I should rightly have been off watching the full Monty though, aye?!

ContessaDiPulpo · 16/12/2020 16:18

@porcelaine

But why did he leave? Why if all he says about how he loves me/us is true, did he just leave instead of stay and work through this?

I don't think his definition of love extends to not going to strip clubs, *OP. Or to allowing you to be upset about it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/12/2020 16:29

@porcelaine

But why did he leave? Why if all he says about how he loves me/us is true, did he just leave instead of stay and work through this?

Because you didn't react how he wanted and now he has to break you and make you feel shit enough that you think you deserve to be with someone like him. It's that simple.

He's behaved so appallingly (not just strip club but before and after) that nobody in their right mind would happily forgive him, so his only choice now is to make you feel responsible, guilty and unwanted so that he seems like your only option.

He has sent you a stream of threats, blackmail, guilt and vitriol. He should be thanking you for looking after his fucking children and working hard while he's pissed off to mummy.

Do not let him get in your head.

If you take him back you will spend the rest of your life sharing your home with a man who, at your lowest, felt contempt and hatred for you.

LakieLady · 16/12/2020 16:45

@porcelaine

I opened his message. He just said it takes 2 to wreck a marriage, that he hopes my rage keeps me warm at night and that I’m happy on top of my high horse. I feel shit.

Gaslighting fuckwit.

He's selfish, irresponsible and downright bloody nasty. And you deserve so much better, OP.

Stick to your guns. He's trying to blame you so he doesn't have to blame himself.

lakesidexmas · 16/12/2020 17:05

But why did he leave?

He left to gain control of the situation.
The plan being that you would panic at being left and stop insisting on being treated with decency.

TonMoulin · 16/12/2020 17:41

Why did he leave?

Yep to take control. To have a way to make you guilty. To put more pressure on you. The idea is that you upset plus on your own (which obvioulsy means you can’t cope) makes it easier to manipulate you.

MeridianB · 16/12/2020 18:02

Op, I’ve read both threads and you’re doing so brilliantly.

What he did on that night out was bad enough, esp within the context of trying to repair your marriage. But what you share about his sulks is sounding really, really horrible. You and your children deserve better than this dysfunctional, selfish, bully. He has capped it all by flouncing off in the middle of the night, taking money and then being vile to you.

Stay strong. You can get through this and so can your children, 🌻

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 16/12/2020 18:02

Do you have someone who can mediate for you? The messages are obviously causing you huge anxiety. Ie. Tell him he can reach you via xx(someone relatively neutral)xx as you're now blocking this number. I've no idea why he thinks he can resolve things with abusive texts when he couldn't fix things under the same roof.

Look after yourself OP. He sounds vile and you're doing the right thing

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