am I the unreasonable one for saying NO? I can’t live like this. It’s like emotional terrorism, you get angry I’ll leave. But I’ll come back if you back down. It’s bullying.
It feels like emotional terrorism because it is. People joke that you can’t negotiate with terrorists referring to toddlers or difficult relatives but THIS is the truth of the saying: you cannot negotiate with emotional terrorists because they keep changing the goalposts, just like your husband is. He says he’s leaving no matter what, but now if you do X, Y, Z, he’ll come back. But if you did those things and he came back, he’d hold something else over you, such as, “If you don’t do W, I’ll leave again.” You cannot ever win a game like that. The only way to win is stop playing, and unfortunately, you stop playing by getting divorced. This is also why counseling can’t work with a bully. Because you’re seeing it for yourself: he says he’ll consider staying if you do counseling, but HE’S the one who left. No wonder it’s doing your head in!
You are allowed a hobby, whether it’s writing a book or ten books or knitting or electric trains or anything else. There is no hobby that justifies him essentially stealing money from the family accounts without discussing it with you (a small amount is a purchase, £400 is something you would never have spent without discussing it with him so let’s call it the theft it is, or at least a complete break in trust, and that’s before we consider if it was just for strippers, or for strippers and drugs, or for strippers and a prostitute). And then he took another £400 for who knows what purpose! And then he LEFT you in the middle of the night to have to explain to DC where their father disappeared to!
No, OP. Just no. YANBU. You are not, not, not unreasonable. Write it on a note and stick it to the back of your phone if you need to be reminded, but you need reminding: “This is not my fault. I will not feel guilty.”