To be completely pissed off with dp.

[pastaparadise]

Ds1 (6) is desperate for a certain present for xmas - keeps looking at the toy catalogue at it, top of his list to father xmas etc. I manage to find a big second hand bundle on ebay and win it, pay for it. Dp collected it yesterday. So we bring it in from the car last night after dc in bed to look at it. I went up to bed at about midnight aftee triple checking that dp would hide it and wouldnt fall asleep on the sofa, which he has form for "yes of course, i wont fall asleep, I'll be up in a few minutes". I didnt hide it myself (having done for all other presents) as it's quite bulky and easier for him to stash up high somewhere.

Of course he falls asleep, ds went downstairs at 5.30 to check his advent calendar, and found it all. He told ds that 'daddy had bought it just in case father c chose something else off his list '. Dp then woke me up to ask what to do. So i was then awake until 8 as i was so pissed off i couldn't sleep, and had to console ds who was understandably upset as it had all been whisked away from him and he now has to wait til xmas. Dp had let him keep a bit of it though, so ds2 also upset on waking that ds1 has a present and he doesn't. Dp says its half my fault as i didnt check he was still awake before i went to sleep!

I know this is a first world problem and people do far worse things/ it was an accident etc, but i am so fucked off. I always sort the whole of xmas out, really try hard with presents, decorations etc. I love it, have lovely memories of xmas as a child, and want to do the same for my children. I give him one bloody job to do and he messes it up, then wakes me up to tell me. Now both dc are upset and big surprise is ruined. We've not bought a lot else for dc1 apart from stocking fillers etc.

AIBU to now be knackered and sulky?

I don't think that is what's being normalised. Posters are saying look at the reality of who you and your partner are and plan accordingly if it has potential to upset you or the DCs.
OP says this behaviour is unusual. If she starts paying attention, she might realise it isn't that unusual at all. But she has to be honest about what's happening.

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

But don't you think it's him who needs to be looking at the reality of who he is before he makes promises he can't keep? In saying you don't think it's being normalised, you, too, are normalising it.

He promised after she checked 3 times that he would definitely do something. She believed him. And yet somehow the outcome is becoming her fault.

It's not OP's responsibility to make sure he fulfills his promises, it's his. So the fault here is his.

@AliceMcK

Given the amount of times I whip out a stocking filler or gift as a bribe or treat, I’ve even left main presents out by accident, I wouldn’t be too upset, especially given he has form for falling asleep. Personally I’d have made him put it away before I went to bed knowing he had form. I have to do this with my DH at times. It would annoy me initially but I’d be over it in 5 mins.

As for other DC, just whip something small out and say we got you this too.

I always keep a bag of toys for such situations. 3yo DD trapped her fingers in a door, breaking one, she got a Xmas present to calm her and comfort her on the way to A&E. same DD rushed to A&E with severe allergic reaction, que another toy for being such a brave girl. DH worked away during the last lockdown, promised to bring treats back for the DCs after not seeing them for a month, but shops were closed so I had some stocking fillers ready for him to give them.

This sounds like a such a sense of smug pride in having ‘cracked’ parenting but - while I am new to the parenting game - this is the opposite of what I want to do.

I don’t want to reward or console with ‘things’ as won’t the kid come to expect that and become grabby and motivated by material possessions?

What is your 6 year old doing getting up at 5.30am?? (Totally missing point of thread)

It's shit OP, your DH is an idiot. Blaming you after is also messed up. I hope you make him grovel.

Dp saying he shouldn't have to apologise again

He hasn't apologised in the first place!!

I'm not interested in fault. I'm only interested in OP realising what her relationship is like and then ultimately deciding if it's good enough for her. It wouldn't be acceptable to me.
If you read my posts, you'll see I'm not normalising it. In fact, I pointed out that a certain type of abusive man often creates drama around special occasions. Often the first step is recognising that pattern then taking away his power to cause drama and upset.

It's not a matter of not caring. I have asked DH to say put the milk back in the fridge and he hasn't because he fell asleep and doesn't wake until morning. It's not that he doesn't care or is selfish or a child. MIlk... child's Christmas present. Vastly different

I do it myself now because why shouldn't I? Or I get him to do whatever before I go to bed. So you manage him, do the little jobs he doesn't want to do, he lets you. Tiresome!