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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be completely pissed off with dp.

132 replies

pastaparadise · 13/12/2020 09:30

Ds1 (6) is desperate for a certain present for xmas - keeps looking at the toy catalogue at it, top of his list to father xmas etc. I manage to find a big second hand bundle on ebay and win it, pay for it. Dp collected it yesterday. So we bring it in from the car last night after dc in bed to look at it. I went up to bed at about midnight aftee triple checking that dp would hide it and wouldnt fall asleep on the sofa, which he has form for "yes of course, i wont fall asleep, I'll be up in a few minutes". I didnt hide it myself (having done for all other presents) as it's quite bulky and easier for him to stash up high somewhere.

Of course he falls asleep, ds went downstairs at 5.30 to check his advent calendar, and found it all. He told ds that 'daddy had bought it just in case father c chose something else off his list '. Dp then woke me up to ask what to do. So i was then awake until 8 as i was so pissed off i couldn't sleep, and had to console ds who was understandably upset as it had all been whisked away from him and he now has to wait til xmas. Dp had let him keep a bit of it though, so ds2 also upset on waking that ds1 has a present and he doesn't. Dp says its half my fault as i didnt check he was still awake before i went to sleep!

I know this is a first world problem and people do far worse things/ it was an accident etc, but i am so fucked off. I always sort the whole of xmas out, really try hard with presents, decorations etc. I love it, have lovely memories of xmas as a child, and want to do the same for my children. I give him one bloody job to do and he messes it up, then wakes me up to tell me. Now both dc are upset and big surprise is ruined. We've not bought a lot else for dc1 apart from stocking fillers etc.

AIBU to now be knackered and sulky?

OP posts:
Jenifirtree · 13/12/2020 13:10

@Ferrari458

"Not to blame but why didn't you put it away. Even if it wasn't in the loft somewhere would be better than no where. If your husband is known for sleeping on the sofa it has an inevitability to the outcome."

Funnily enough, you're blaming Op.

Well of course. Penis bearers cannot be held responsible for wife work! Sill you!
goopsoup · 13/12/2020 13:11

Not to blame but why didn't you put it away

Where does it stop though?! It doesn’t, hence why OP has admitted she does everything for the kids.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 13/12/2020 13:13

I'd focus on making it better for the DCs and giving them some wonder back. So I'd tell DS that you and his DF collected the present early in case Santa couldn't get through because of lockdown or because it's been an odd year, etc. I'd give DS it back to play with. I'd give your other DS one of his presents too with the same explanation. They are still young enough that only small presents on Christmas Day will still be exciting.
I'd be wary about your DH. Does he often make mistakes that hamper special days? It's a tendency that can be abusive. And knowing that he is like that, I wouldn't give him the opportunity to ruin or spoil special occasions. It's not fair for the DCs or you.

LuckyNumberThirteen · 13/12/2020 13:14

I can understand why you're upset as I would be too, but it doesn't need to be a big deal.

Explain to your son that Santa brings the stocking but you buy the "main" present and that was it. Say he can have it now but he will get nothing in its place on Christmas Day or he can wait to open it like you'd planned.

I know it's not ideal but you can't change it now and it seems pointless to make him wait when you could see him enjoy it now.

Horehound · 13/12/2020 13:15

I'd have said that this bag of presents it for the needy children and take the bag to a charity shop. You could maybe even organise a "handing over" of the gifts (enrol a friend or family member) in front of your son so he sees the bag of toys go away and maybe with a fake script of "oh the children will be so pleased with these"etc etc and try to fool your son to think the stuff isn't for him after all..

Just an idea but may work!

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 13:17

He's now asking when I'm going to snap out of it, but hasnt done anything to make amends

So he has form for upsetting you and then minimising and dismissing your feelings? This is starting to look quite bad.

Does he usually respect you and your feelings? Does this behaviour mainly show up when he's made a mistake? How often?

MessAllOver · 13/12/2020 13:29

I think he needs to make it up to your DS. So he needs to source and pay for another fantastic present for him. I'd just give it all to DS now as a pre-Christmas present from Mummy (and only Mummy) (and something to other DC as well) and then tell your DH he's in charge of and has to pay for new Santa presents.

BigFatLiar · 13/12/2020 13:34

@CoronaIsWatching

LTB I can't believe he tried to blame you he's a massive arse, I bet he's often like this!
I suspect that LTB isn't too bad an idea.

He does have form for not accepting blame, op says so, but it may be that now its just too much. He has form for sleeping on the sofa, she knows this, yes she checked but I suspect went to bed knowing what was about to happen. His fault for failing. Its not a very supportive relationship.

JillofTrades · 13/12/2020 13:36

Honestly as disappointing and frustrating as it is , get over yourself. My dh did the same thing, but his intention was not to spoil ds Christmas present and to upset him. Keep perspective here. And honestly this whole FC bringing presents makes people ridiculously dramatic.

Kokosrieksts · 13/12/2020 13:42

I would be fuming that he tried blaming you for not checking on him! That’s not on. He will have to fix it by getting something else off the list for your son from Father Christmas.

LannieDuck · 13/12/2020 13:42

@Horehound

I'd have said that this bag of presents it for the needy children and take the bag to a charity shop. You could maybe even organise a "handing over" of the gifts (enrol a friend or family member) in front of your son so he sees the bag of toys go away and maybe with a fake script of "oh the children will be so pleased with these"etc etc and try to fool your son to think the stuff isn't for him after all..

Just an idea but may work!

That would have deeply upset me as a child - if my parents were giving away a toy that I desperately wanted, and that they knew I desperately wanted.
Soubriquet · 13/12/2020 13:44

Oh OP didn’t you know men can’t do anything at home?

Everything is your fault! I mean they do work hard whilst at work and use up all their usability then. Silly you.

Hmm
Simplyunacceptable · 13/12/2020 13:45

He sounds like a useless git.

Horehound · 13/12/2020 13:48

@LannieDuck but you just say well it's not Christmas yet and that they're letter is with Santa so he has to wait.
He would've had to wait until Christmas anyway so no difference.

lynsey91 · 13/12/2020 13:52

Well if I were you I would have made him put it somewhere before I went to bed.

I say that because my DH often falls asleep on the sofa after I have gone to bed and doesn't wake until morning. He can be awake when I go to bed but if I go back in the room even if it's only 5 minutes or so late he can be asleep.

It's not something he does on purpose and a few times I have asked him to do something before he comes to bed or falls asleep and he hasn't just because he fell asleep so quickly.

pastaparadise · 13/12/2020 13:54

Thanks for empathy (mostly!) . I know i should have just hidden it myself, but i was thinking on top of a wardrobe and it's too high for me. And tbh I'd done everything else so assumed i could rely on him for a simple task. If he'd settled in with wine and a film i would have been more cynical, but he said he was coming up to bed shortly. He doesn't have form for disappointing the dc - he def wouldn't have done it deliberately.

I can't pretend we've given it away - ds would be heartbroken. We were always going to give it him from us, as father xmas tends to bring them stockings only, so luckily that whole thing not blown. We're just saying it's from us and he has to wait til Christmas. If it causes lots more upset we'll give it him early. But i think he's quite little to have to wait/ understand why he won't get much else on the day. I don't really want to buy another big present (ie over £50).

Dp saying he shouldn't have to apologise again (gave an insincere politicians apology saying in essence sorry but also i should have checked/ my fault for asking him to bring it in from the car etc). Luckily i can sulk in peace and be happy with dc as he has gone off to work. Still massively pissed off though on ds's behalf, and my behalf as i was so looking forward to his delight.

OP posts:
nosswith · 13/12/2020 13:56

It is a first world problem as you say but YANBU to be upset.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 14:00

I'd be having a conversation with him about accepting responsibility for his failings, in a more general sense, off the back of this. Trying to put the blame on somebody else for your own actions is simply not ok, in any situation, in any relationship.

He shouldn't have to apologise again, he should only have to apologise once, but fully accepting responsibility. He promised you he would do something, and he failed to do it. It really is that simple. Why and when he brought the damned thing out of the car is neither here nor there.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 14:01

A, I reading this wrong, does your son not still want th other present? Will he not be really disappointed he doesn’t get it?

Does you partner normally sleep on the sofa? It does read like he does, like you were both expecting him to sleep down there?

BiscuitDrama · 13/12/2020 14:03

It’s not Paw patrol stuff is it? We have some I will be giving away as soon as I can persuade my eight year old to. Might be able to speed that up.

BigFatLiar · 13/12/2020 14:04

But i think he's quite little to have to wait/ understand why he won't get much else on the day. I don't really want to buy another big present (ie over £50).

Doesn't have to be a 'big' present, I think most of the fun is in opening the package. Half the stuff (probably more) ours got was either broken fairly quickly or forgotten. Get him some bits and pieces you think he might like, not stocking fillers a bit more but lets face it most stuff will be ignored after the initial excitement.

lynsey91 · 13/12/2020 14:04

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Who hasn't fallen asleep when they didn't mean to. Well, maybe not seconds after being asked if I needed help doing soemthing in case I fell aslep and spoiled someone elses Christmas!

Honestly some of the reactions here Yeah! Al these nasty women holding others accountable for their actions!

He should apologise obviously, but these things happen. Yes, he should... but these things will continue to happen because he doesn't care enough to change his behaviours! The fallout, which he will probably desctibe as OP nagging at him, being unfair, just gives him another opoortunity to train her and their kids to accept him as he is... a selfish twat who won't chnage because he doesn't care enough for anything to actually hurt him, or his sense of self!

My DH can be awake and having a conversation and then literally fall asleep. He has always been like that.

I never fall asleep like that. He falls asleep while we are watching something on tv quite often but I never do.

It's not a matter of not caring. I have asked DH to say put the milk back in the fridge and he hasn't because he fell asleep and doesn't wake until morning. It's not that he doesn't care or is selfish or a child.

I do it myself now because why shouldn't I? Or I get him to do whatever before I go to bed.

pastaparadise · 13/12/2020 14:25

And I've also just thought, yes i know he has form for dozing off on the sofa, but so does he. If that was me I'd have stressed about that happening and done it straight away. He wasnt half asleep when i left him. Still feeling cross even though i need to let it go!

OP posts:
Eckhart · 13/12/2020 14:26

It's not a matter of not caring. I have asked DH to say put the milk back in the fridge and he hasn't because he fell asleep and doesn't wake until morning. It's not that he doesn't care or is selfish or a child

Putting the milk away isn't the same. OP's husband accepted responsibility for making sure their son didn't spoil Christmas for himself. He knows just like OP does how likely he is to fall asleep. He is responsible for making a promise that he knew he might not be able to keep.

'I fall asleep easily' isn't an excuse for this any more than it's an excuse for leaving the milk out or crashing the car.

RuthW · 13/12/2020 14:30

Unfortunately it's your fault for relying on a man. Past experiences show if I want something doing that's important you definitely don't rely on a man.