To be frustrated by comments about unborn/ young girls - e.g “lock her up til she’s 25’

[Wishing14]

Firstly, I get that most people who make these sort of comments are coming from a good place, and see it as being protective and probably endearing BUT...

When I had my little boy I had no such comments at all. Now I’m pregnant and it’s a girl people say things like, “well she won’t be allowed boyfriends until she’s at least 30” or “bet you’ll lock her up until she’s 25” (usually to my partner rather than me).

I feel my unborn baby has already been sexualised and her sex life as a grown woman already being discussed and I just think it’s ... weird? Old fashioned, sexist, patronising, inappropriate.

I personally think it stems from the inequality that still exists in our society re boys and girls, but implies girls are incapable of independence, making their own decisions, and must be locked away and protected by men until a suitable time when they can be ‘given away’ to a man. I think if you want to raise confident, capable girls and women who know their own self-worth this is exactly the sort of thing you should NOT say. I don’t get why boys and girls are treated so differently before they even take their first breath.

But AIBU? Have you experienced similar?

Yanbu at all
It's sexist nonsense
Do you ever challenge these comments?

Yanbu at all, it’s awful. Same as little boys being described as ‘flirts’ or ‘heartbreakers’, it makes me cringe.

It’s usually from my boyfriends family/ friends so I haven’t yet (I don’t like the idea of causing drama) but we had a discussion about it last night and I made clear my thoughts on it and that if anyone else says anything I would say something.

Just answer with “don’t be ridiculous”

Yanbu - its such a weird, gross attitude. I get slightly similar with people calling my baby boy a heartbreaker and a flirt - he is literally ten days old but I definitely think people are worse when it comes to girls.

Anytime anyone has ever said that to my DD I respond with "Don't be silly, she should date lots of people. The more the better. Who in the world wants "less" dating experience?" They usually look at me weird and end the conversation.

I haaaate it. I have I son and when he was a baby people often said he was flirting. Ugh.

I also recently heard a friend say to her toddler 'You'll never get a boyfriend if you keep playing in the mud'. Wtf? Why can't people hear how ridiculous that is?

Look them in the eye with a dead pan face and ask them “why would we do that?” They are probably just repeating well worn phrases without a thought of what they mean. Make them think about it.

I hate those comments too.

Thanks for your replies, I think a comment that actually makes them THINK about what they’re saying is good, I don’t believe people are really thinking through what they’re saying and just spouting out nonsense!

I can't stand any of the thoughtless sexist comments people come out with in a bid to make conversation about babies/young children. It really grated with me when people said of my three boys "ooh, I bet you've got your hands full" or "all that mess and noise!" It's all mindless nonsense and I wish I had called people out on it more.

As a PP said, you still get comments with a boy, they are just different. It always made me uncomfortable when people would say my baby sons were flirting or were charmers just for cracking a smile, and I could never pinpoint why. But you’ve got it OP, it’s the sexualisation of little babies and it’s weird! What is it that makes this so common?

@IamTomHanks that is a brilliant response!

Anytime anyone has ever said that to my DD I respond with "Don't be silly, she should date lots of people. The more the better. Who in the world wants "less" dating experience?" They usually look at me weird and end the conversation

Perfect response! @IamTomHanks I am trying to memorise this for future!

Urgh, I hate it. I've seen babygrows that say things like
'Daddy has a gun'
or something like that. Don't stand for that nonsense.

I remember someone saying that to my dad about me, and I was so scared. I was about 4 at the time and I thought they wanted my dad to lock me up. It's horrible, sexist, and quite frankly a weird thing to say about a child.

Welcome to the rest of her life. It will be 'nice' she has a 'big brother' to look out for her, 'keep all the boys away'. When she's a toddler, they'll be asking if she's 'sassy' and if she plays with any boy she'll 'already have a little boyfriend'. On and on the horror show goes....

YANBU. When I have heard those comments I’ve just said that they’ll be their own person and it will be up to them. Luckily their dad is on the same page. I always remember my 80+ year old Nan telling me when I’d had a break up in my early 20’s, that I needed to go with lots of men before I settled down. 😁

Oh yuck, not unreasonable at all. Its such an odd thing to think about.

However I think it does go both ways - ds has been described as a "heart breaker" and asked if he has a girlfriend, whether his best friend (a girl) is his "little girlfiend" and told "I bet he loves that!" When I've mentioned he is the only boy in his class ... he's 2.5!

I was saying to dh yesterday how silly it is: if ds turns out to be straight, people will say "he always did like playing with girls!",and if he is gay, they'll say the same thing with a different meaning... they wouldn't say that about boys though.

It would be good if your partner could bat this creepy nonsense away. “Er no - this is 21st century Luton/Birmingham/Essex. I’m not a Victorian father or some wannabe patriarch from rural Alabama.”

How about a buggy with a plate on it (like a car reg plate). ‘Virgin 4 ever’. Needless to say the occupant of the buggy was a small girl.

It is very true people say similarly weird and inappropriate comments about boys too, probably just less overtly sexual which is why I’m noticing it more now. But it’s odd isn’t it? It is the sexualisation of young children. People have made a few ‘heartbreaker’ comments about DS but he’s quite shy so maybe less than some boys would get.
To be fair I’ve never had any such comments from my own family, my dad never treated his daughters any differently to his son, eg as ‘little princesses’ or anything like that. I never grew up thinking I was different or incapable in any way. I really hate all the comments people are describing, it does all stem from the same thing.

I have daughters and nobody ever said anything like that to me. If they had, I'd have asked what world or planet they're living in.

Why in earth would anyone even in jest want their DD locked away and not to interact with men till 25...that's just oppressive.

I do know someone who used to joke about having his machine gun ready, for useless boys/men who came for any of his 6 daughters. Its such a sexist attitude and I do think this man having all girls was quite ironic given that archaic way of thinking.

YANBU in your thoughts. Childhood is precious and too short in any case.

@KizzyWayfarer yes it would, but I’m not sure he really gets my frustration. He says he does but I think it’s just so normal to him, he just thinks “they mean it in a nice way” and that I’m being over the top or something. But I will ask him to, he’s will do as he knows how important it is to me now.