To be frustrated by comments about unborn/ young girls - e.g “lock her up til she’s 25’

[Wishing14]

Firstly, I get that most people who make these sort of comments are coming from a good place, and see it as being protective and probably endearing BUT...

When I had my little boy I had no such comments at all. Now I’m pregnant and it’s a girl people say things like, “well she won’t be allowed boyfriends until she’s at least 30” or “bet you’ll lock her up until she’s 25” (usually to my partner rather than me).

I feel my unborn baby has already been sexualised and her sex life as a grown woman already being discussed and I just think it’s ... weird? Old fashioned, sexist, patronising, inappropriate.

I personally think it stems from the inequality that still exists in our society re boys and girls, but implies girls are incapable of independence, making their own decisions, and must be locked away and protected by men until a suitable time when they can be ‘given away’ to a man. I think if you want to raise confident, capable girls and women who know their own self-worth this is exactly the sort of thing you should NOT say. I don’t get why boys and girls are treated so differently before they even take their first breath.

But AIBU? Have you experienced similar?

@Rainedere Thanks. I wish I could say that was the worse they did but it wasn’t unfortunately. That was only certain boys though. There are decent men and boys out there. I don’t think putting her in an all girl school would help, according to my friend all girls was even worse for the bullying. Maybe enrol her in a self defence class or something? Empower her rather than wrap her in cotton wool. She’s going to have to go out into the real world at some point. I was always pretty timid but I’ve had to learn to overcome it, it makes you an easy target.

Throw it back on them and make them feel really uncomfortable.
Every time someone makes a comment like that, give them a disgusted look and say “what? Yuck, she’s just a baby. Why would you even be thinking that?”. I bet they won’t say anything again. Nobody wants to be thought of like that

Vice-vers

Please, no!

@Spelunking it's very sad you felt like you couldn't talk to your parents or any adult in charge I didn't get grabbed but my colleagues started calling me bad things when I was about 10 (I must have been a decent B or C cup by then). Apparently (I gladly don't remember) I got very down and told my mum I didn't want to go to school (super strange for me ). So she spoke to my teachers and they had a word with the kids bullying me. Like I said I don't really remember it being such a big issue

Women are still judged more on their sexuality than men. This is even worse now with camera phones and revenge porn etc. Some 16 year old girls and even younger have had their whole lives ruined because of this.

Yes. And do you know what part of the answer is? Challenging this fucking stupid idea that boys are sowing their wild oats and the girls they sow them with are slags. That girls should be locked up and their dads should inflict violence on any potential male suitor. It's batshit and it is enraging and it should be challenged every time.

I mean: the reason women in Afghanistan where full body coverings is to protect the men from having naughty feelings. That is the logical conclusion of all this daughter protection. Is that what we want?

I like to use the "please explain that to me, i don't get it" type of thing that i use with racist or sexist jokes. Put them on the spot of articulating that they think ALL boys/men are potential rapists and ALL girls/women are merely their prey.

Also i have asked, in the past "but what if she prefers girls, is that ok? is it just the sex with boys, or is it sex generally? or is it the consequences of sex? because if it's the latter the answer is better sex education, better availability and education about contraception and abortion provision which isn't stuck in the 1920s"

I have never met anyone who talks like this about girls. Not to me, anyway.

I have never met anyone who talks like this about girls. Not to me, anyway
I've met them, but they aren't friends.

Whilst not as weird as the 'lock up your daughters', I'd say I still encounter quite sad stereotypical attitudes on a regular basis. It's just the sort of subtle sexist stereotypes that seem to find themselves woven through every day life that are easily missed if you're not consciously trying to break away from them

It’s gross isn’t it?

In reality, take it from personal experience, it was very isolating and depressing for me to reach 25 without having had a boyfriend and still being a virgin. I wouldn’t wish it on any of my children, if I had any.

I think for my parents it wasn’t even a joke...they didn’t want me to be sexual in any way even as an older teenager or adult. Sex was/is dirty. But it’s not, it’s a natural part of being human and can be one of life’s best experiences, as can having children of your own be. I can’t understand why you’d hope your children miss out on that as adults.

And to be thinking of it when they aren’t born or are babies or children? It’s weird. It IS sexualising children despite the claim that it’s about no one ever seeing them as sexual/or them one day being sexual beings.

I know a guy who has 5 daughters. He proudly tells everyone they are all going to be nuns.

My brother constantly joked he’d shoot any boy who came near my niece and spoke about sending her to a convent. She’s now had her first committed relationship and I do think he lost respect for her a bit once she had sex.

My grandad terrified my mum about sex. He told her if she was ever seen talking to a boy, he’d cut off her limbs . She was also older when she had her first boyfriend (an adult, still living at home) and he threatened that he would have her locked away not to be seen again.

Women can be weird with boys too. Baby boys referred to as “boob men”. A friend always says “gimmee a snog little man” to her toddler boys. Both sexes described as flirts, heartbreakers etc.

I’ll never understand it.

Adult humans? Entitled to a sex life, not dictated to by their parents.

Babies and children? Not capable of flirting/appearing sexual/being sexual. They are just...babies.

[quote Rainedere]@Spelunking sorry that that happened to you. I would put DD in a girls school to protect her from males of all ages.[/quote]
I moved from an All Girls school after being relentlessly bullied. There were also plenty of sexual relationships going on there, some quite aggressive and coercive between older girls and those as young as 11 or 12. It seems like as no one could get pregnant, no one cared or tried to intervene. It really was an awful environment and as a result I’d never send any children of mine to single sex schools.

Horrendous sexism . Usually men saying it but women also join in . For me the " shes not having boyfriends crap" is basically saying " shes not going to be allowed to enjoy or have sex , I control that choice " very VERY rarely is the same said about sons