To be frustrated by comments about unborn/ young girls - e.g “lock her up til she’s 25’

[Wishing14]

Firstly, I get that most people who make these sort of comments are coming from a good place, and see it as being protective and probably endearing BUT...

When I had my little boy I had no such comments at all. Now I’m pregnant and it’s a girl people say things like, “well she won’t be allowed boyfriends until she’s at least 30” or “bet you’ll lock her up until she’s 25” (usually to my partner rather than me).

I feel my unborn baby has already been sexualised and her sex life as a grown woman already being discussed and I just think it’s ... weird? Old fashioned, sexist, patronising, inappropriate.

I personally think it stems from the inequality that still exists in our society re boys and girls, but implies girls are incapable of independence, making their own decisions, and must be locked away and protected by men until a suitable time when they can be ‘given away’ to a man. I think if you want to raise confident, capable girls and women who know their own self-worth this is exactly the sort of thing you should NOT say. I don’t get why boys and girls are treated so differently before they even take their first breath.

But AIBU? Have you experienced similar?

A childhood friend of mine does this with his now 12yo DD. Started with the #heartbreaker #havetogetpastdaddyfirst shit when she was a newborn, then memes, then actual t-shirt with "rules" on them, the rules being that he will kill any man who touches her. I tentatively suggested that she should police her own body and he explained that it's his job to be invested in this. Now she's discovering makeup and selfies, it's feeling creepier and creepier when he idolise her developing womanhood at the same time as squaring up to her ghost suitors.

@IamTomHanks

Anytime anyone has ever said that to my DD I respond with "Don't be silly, she should date lots of people. The more the better. Who in the world wants "less" dating experience?" They usually look at me weird and end the conversation.

Brilliant!

"Mummy's angel" on girls clothes
"Mummy's little monster" for boys

Both annoy me more than they should.

I’m sure these sorts of comments will die out in the coming years. As you say, they are meant to be endearing etc but the generation we are becoming now means people are not allowed to share these old fashioned views anymore without getting scalded

Op
Get a Life
Are for real?(you have way too much time on your hands by the sounds of it.

There far more things in life that are really to worry/get worked up

Than Silly, Comments such as if you are expecting a baby daughter
Such as these for gods sake 😁

Such as if you are expecting a baby boy or got a little boy, he is going to be a heart breaker.(another words he is going to be handsome,which is ment as a complement.
(I would be offended, if they said your son is ugly as sin or something along those lines 😊

My mum is 76 and she would positively LEAP on people who made these kind of comments about me and my sisters when we were children in the 70s and 80s. It certainly isn't something that old dears mean endearingly and can't say 'these days'.

Op
I would get more worked up about issues such as destruction of the environmental, child/Adult slavery and domestic servitude.
Animals elephants/rhinos tusks being used in ivory trade
Corruption in politics etc

Ah look, the old "is this all you have to worry about" diversion. Classic.

@thosetalesofunexpected well yes, of course. One or all of these things? Are you only allowed to focus on one issue in life?

@MassiveSalad Exactly. Also the argument is kind of void when the person is wasting their own time commenting on ‘unimportant’ threads on mumsnet

Attitudes towards sex and the biological sex of the child have always been skewed and as your post shows, they still are.

I have two young boys and my husband is always joking about what ladies mans they’re going to be (that doesn’t sound grammatically correct) and that he’ll have no problem at all with them having girlfriends to stay overnight from when they’re 16. He’s very blasé about it.

I asked if he’d say the same if we had daughters and he said “Hell no!”

I asked why it was different and he said, “It just is.”

I think the equality of young girls (of legal age) being “allowed” to have sex in the same way boys are, is still a long way off unfortunately.

thosetalesofunexpected
Oh dear, you think it's complimentary to comment on a baby's future attractiveness to the opposite sex.

What's wrong with perfectly nice compliments like 'what a cute baby... he/she is adorable... they've got a lovely smile... how sweet are they'?

Honestly it's a bit weird how many adults seem to want to defend joking about locking daughters up or saying how baby boys will go on go be players.

That's before the 'can you not think of bigger issues' deflection. Backwards attitudes to gender stereotypes that position girls as something to hide from boys because the boys might be players is a big issue because it's causing the next generation to be subjected to the same old sexist crap that many people are still fighting against. Plus it's a bit weird to look at a baby and comment on their teenage or adult love life.

I have two young boys and my husband is always joking about what ladies mans they’re going to be

The issue with doing that isn't just the sexism either, he's basically making it loud and clear to them that he won't accept them if they are gay.

It’s so fucking irritating isn’t it op? I hate it!

Often said by dads who treat women like shit and used to treat girls like shit. And now threatens to knock out any young boy who so much as looks at his daughter.

I always say that if any grown arsed man threatens any of my boys when they are still just kids, he can come and square up to me instead like the big tough “man” that he is.

It also adds to the attitude that girls are delicate little flowers who cannot possibly think for themselves. I have a daughter and I want her to have her own mind and to not be held back by me or her dad just because she’s a girl. If she wants a boyfriend then that’s her decision!

Ugh I hate all those comments. I posted a photo on fb of DD in her dance costume right before a performance, so she had stage makeup on. And we got all these comments, mostly from family members and other mums of daughters, about DH needing a shotgun soon. He was so horrified - she was TEN!

When men say this it’s basically an admission that they don’t want their daughters treated the way that they treat women. Hideous.

@ThornAmongstRoses there is a biological difference though. If a girl sleeps with a guy that turns out to be a scum bag that takes no responsibility or has a one night stand that produces a baby with no way of getting in touch with the father it is the girl and her family that has to deal with the situation. Of course most decent boys/men would be decent to take responsibility but unfortunately reality is not all people are decent people that's unfortunately reality

if a girl sleeps with a guy that turns out to be a scum bag that takes no responsibility or has a one night stand that produces a baby with no way of getting in touch with the father it is the girl and her family that has to deal with the situation.

Surely the answer for those families is teaching your daughters about the importance of proper birth control and giving them access to it, rather than locking them away?

here is a biological difference though. If a girl sleeps with a guy that turns out to be a scum bag

So what? Her choice. Still no reason police girls sex lives while encouraging boys to sow their wild oats.

Yes babies are more of a consequence for women. So support them with reliable information about contraception and dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Don’t call them sluts for the same behaviour as men.

@IamTomHanks accidents still happen no birth control is 100%

@bluebluezoo no one is calling them sluts just pointing out it's the girl that takes the risks

@lovepickledlimes. What’s your point then? That girls get pregnant so it’s reasonable to make jokes about not allowing them a sex life?

@nimbuscloud

How about a buggy with a plate on it (like a car reg plate). ‘Virgin 4 ever’. Needless to say the occupant of the buggy was a small girl.

WHAT?!!! Poor little girl isn't even allowed to be a mother some day? People are insane!

@IamTomHanks accidents still happen no birth control is 100%

No, they're like 99% when taken properly.

Empower girls to take control of their own sexuality and sexual choices and that will lead to less accidents caused by them being too afraid to access birth control and medical advise.

Shame them and hide them away, and you end up with more accidents.

You'll end up with less girls tied to loser boys because they think they need to settle down with the guy who took their virginity.

@bluebluezoo my point is that these attitudes and concerns don't come from a place mal intend