To be frustrated by comments about unborn/ young girls - e.g “lock her up til she’s 25’

[Wishing14]

Firstly, I get that most people who make these sort of comments are coming from a good place, and see it as being protective and probably endearing BUT...

When I had my little boy I had no such comments at all. Now I’m pregnant and it’s a girl people say things like, “well she won’t be allowed boyfriends until she’s at least 30” or “bet you’ll lock her up until she’s 25” (usually to my partner rather than me).

I feel my unborn baby has already been sexualised and her sex life as a grown woman already being discussed and I just think it’s ... weird? Old fashioned, sexist, patronising, inappropriate.

I personally think it stems from the inequality that still exists in our society re boys and girls, but implies girls are incapable of independence, making their own decisions, and must be locked away and protected by men until a suitable time when they can be ‘given away’ to a man. I think if you want to raise confident, capable girls and women who know their own self-worth this is exactly the sort of thing you should NOT say. I don’t get why boys and girls are treated so differently before they even take their first breath.

But AIBU? Have you experienced similar?

This is the major reason I didn’t “colour code” my babies.

You’ll see posts and posts here defending all the pink, it’s harmless etc. But it immediately labels the child as “girl” or “boy” and then that child is bombarded with sexist stereotypes from before birth. They do pick up on it, and they do internalise those ideals, no matter how many times people insist they have one of each, have treated them exactly the same, yet the girl “naturally” loves all that is girly.

I also found it absolutely fascinating that strangers would predict and judge my childs behaviour based on their clothing. I got lots of lectures on how my “active boy” would be trouble now but i’d be grateful for the teenage years, or how lucky I was to have a “quiet girl” but beware the bitchyness of friendships. In playgrounds my “boy” would be encouraged to climb the highest frame, other children would be pulled out of his way to allow him access and parent would point out his brave endeavours to their own children. My “girl” would be pushed out the way by boys, parents would caution her as she climbed, warn her about her clothes, or I would be called to assist her when it was felt she had gone too high.

Best one was when someone with sons was lamenting not having a girl to dress in pink when she saw mine carrying a little pink bag. Girls are so much easier, carrying their dollies in their bags, you can buy them such nice things etc. Boys are just noisy beings who play cars in the dirt. Mine then proceeded to open up her bag, and produce a vast array or cars, trucks, aeroplanes, and trains. I’ve never seen anyone shut up so fast.

Hate it!!

And my bloody MIL keeps calling my 3 year old sexy. Makes me sick. Do NOT call my 3 year old daughter sexy - as in “Hello Sexy”

I’ve told my DH if I hear her say it one more time I WILL say something. I’ve not because DH keeps saying he’ll say something and he always bottles it, saying she doesn’t mean it. She’ll just wring her hands and wail “I didn’t mean it like that!!!”

If I’m feeling charitable I know what she’s trying to say, but it’s just so fucking inappropriate. DH has run out of chances now. So next time I’m saying something

I don't understand the "flirt" comments but have to admit I do sometimes say little babies are heartbreakers, because they break your heart how adorable and vulnerable they are. It's not a sexual reference at all. My own DC could break my heart. My dog breaks my heart now she's old and infirm!

It would be good if your partner could bat this creepy nonsense away. “Er no - this is 21st century Luton/Birmingham/Essex. I’m not a Victorian father or some wannabe patriarch from rural Alabama.

“Quick, cover up her legs, we don’t want boys getting ideas. And the piano while you’re at it..”

Might make them realise how ridiculous it all is.

I think I’m just going to explain that I think it’s a very strange attitude to have and I’m not going to raise her any differently in that regard to my son. I have a good relationship with them so it shouldn’t be an issue, but with strangers I think it just needs to be a suitable and blunt ‘comeback’.

I get cross about this - I said to my DH when he was making the 'no boyfriends' jokes that we weren't policing her sex life and to pack it in. He's not said anything since!

He hated his parents making ' woo you've got a girlfriend' type comments to him when he mentioned a girl when he was little so we've never done that.

Someone commented that my boys are going to be 'real lady killers' that gave me the rage. Let's not make jokes about Male against female violence, eh? It's not cute.

I’ve seen these sort of t-shirts and babygrows around but nobody has ever said anything like that to me or Dh. I don’t know anyone who thinks along those lines thankfully. MIL did once give us a t-shirt with ‘little Princess’ on it and Dh made it quite clear what he thinks of little girls being princessed, so it didn’t happen again.

Any ‘little horror’ or ‘naughty monkey’ slogans that arrived in hand-me-down bags from friends for ds were discretely disposed of too.

It isn’t harmless.

I had 2 dds and never heard any such comments. A dd has 2 little dds and I’ve not heard that she’s ever experienced any, either.

I can imagine it being a cultural thing in some ethnic groups, though.

And I can imagine some perfectly nice men outside those groups, who are good husbands and fathers, remembering what they were like in their heedless, sowing-wild-oats days, and hoping their daughter(s) will not encounter anyone like they were! And making jokey comments to that effect.

I have 2 daughters and have never experienced these ridiculous comments.

wouldn't get too worked up about it

YANBU.
I hear fathers say this all the time about their (usually very young) daughters:
"She'll never be allowed a boyfriend" etc.
It's like saying that their daughters are their possessions. Weird. Most of the same men say their boys are going to be heartbreakers when they're older too.

YANBU. It actually disgusts me when people make these kinds of remarks. I have a friend whose husband posts gross memes on Facebook, the latest one said "Guns don't kill people, dads with daughters do". 🤮🤮

WHen my son was a baby he had to have physical therapy for an issue (hes fine now). He LOVED the lady doing it in the way that babies will take a shine to someone. So many approving comments (from his father and others) along the lines of "hes got an eye for the ladies" etc etc. Ummm, no, hes a baby!!!
Its a form of social conditioning. People talk about girl children needing to be "locked up" etc etc and boy children being pursuers before they are even old enough to know if they are boys or girls. hate it!!!

I hate hearing these sorts of comments, but find it really tragic that there is a market for this sort of sexist crap on baby clothes. No baby is a heartbreaker, or a flirt, or a little princess, and don't get me started on why boy clothes need messages about being clever, explorers and wild whereas girls need messages about being pretty and daydreaming.

As a PP said, there's lots of parents who claim that strong gender stereotypes haven't affected their child age all and they just happen to have a girl who adored unicorns and makeup from 3 weeks old, but when we stop and think it's obvious that sex based stereotyping starts from before babies are even born.

You are quite right, OP. Not even born and already sexualised and objectified.

You could try countering with a firm 'Actually, we'll make sure she has all the information she needs to make confident decisions about her emotional and sexual relationships.' Or just 'Oh, I hope she'll be happy shagging by sixteen'. That should shut them up.

Equally offensive is when men say that now that they have a daughter they suddenly understand sexism and sexual assault. Firstly, you didn't previously care about your mum/wife/sister or just because you were a decent human being? Secondly, it feels like paternalism (in the wider sense) - or back to the days when sexual assault on a woman was a property crime against the husband/father.

Or just "why, I dont understand can you explain" type responses. Then they have to explain they mean from naughty boys/men. Then you can ask "what when shes four" etc etc

don’t believe people are really thinking through what they’re saying and just spouting out nonsense!

I came here to say this. I don’t think people actually think this, I just think a lot of people don’t really know what to do/say around babies and just parrot crap that they’ve heard over the years. It’s always the same few ridiculous sentences so that must be it?

DS4 has a gender neutral nickname that is usually used for girls in the UK (Sascha).

We get an astounding number of “what a sweet little princess” comments from randoms who’ve just heard me calling his name. He looks 100% like a boy, short hair, boyish clothes (navy, dinosaurs etc). Likes trucks and cars. Still gets told he will break little boys’ hearts when he’s older. Which of course he may, but the people saying it are not assuming he’s gay.

In a gift shop near where I live, there's one of those "jokey" signs in the window that says "Hands off my tools and my daughter". It makes me cringe every time I walk past it - so much wrong with it that I don't even know where to start. The only consolation is that it's been there for ages so nobody has wanted to buy the awful thing!

I do think part of the problem is that these comments do stem from the unfortunate fact that it is girls that end up with the responsibility should there be an accidental baby. Even these days if a girl dates casually if she wants to keep the child it can in certain cases be very tricky to track down the father etc so it will be her side of the family that has to deal with the consequences etc. These comments are also meant as a bit of a joje tbh

@Soundbyte oh I agree, I dont think the people saying it mean/meant any harm but its still one of the many thousands of things that can annoy me over a week if I let them.

I agree and when a male says they know what boys are like, meaning that's how they behaved when younger- horrible

from your boyfriends family? easy peasy: yes, because i have to keep her safe from all the badly brought up, potential rapist boys, amirite?
meaningful look from your boyfriend to his parents

Or: fuck off with the sexist shit?

or: don't be silly