My brother rang me to ask me when l am going to move back home?!

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

My mum had an accident earlier today, she tripped at home and split her head open. She went to hospital and got some stitches. Now back at home and went to bed early. One of her closest friends is staying with her temporarily, she collected her and is keeping at eyes on her tonight. Friend will be moving out early next year, this has always been the plan. Her friend got an excellent offer for her house and in a tricky market didn’t want to delay so is staying with my mum as a stop gap.

My brother rang me this evening which naively l thought was a phew / joint reassurance type call. But no. He asked in a fairly direct way when l was moving back to our home town to support our mum. I was like errr never?! I live about 300 miles away, have a full time permanent job, as does my partner and we own a property here. My partner is from here and neither of us wish to move -apart from to a bigger property in the vicinity. I made this clear and asked my brother what his plans were about moving back? He said it’s not really possible or a “good time”, brother seemed aggrieved by me saying no and then me questioning him (but surely you can’t expect this to only be a 1 way street?!).

Not that l think my mum needs any further support for clarity. It was an accident and these things happen. I’m blown away by my brothers question and the double standard when l dared ask the same question of him! There is no drip feed of physical illness, dementia etc. If it hadn’t been for the pandemic then my mum would have gone on holiday 3-4 times this year, been out and about throughout. Like the rest of us then she’s annoyed her plans have been cancelled or postponed.

My brother is the golden child and lm the scapegoat. He lives abroad and has done for years, used to be appalling about keeping in touch with any of us e.g. drop off the radar for weeks or a month at a time. He has got slightly better in the last year or so, since then has taken it upon himself to “instruct” me about how to interact with our mother. It’s super odd, back in the summer l got a random text one day saying “be nice to mum” I find his suggestions laughable and l make this clear to him.

I’m not putting this in elderly parents as she isn’t elderly. Well, late 60’s wasn’t the last time l checked anyway! My dad isn’t on the scene; they divorced a long time ago and he died about 5 years ago.

Your brother is being unreasonable and you're right to ask the same question back. Why are you the scapegoat ?

@HornbeamLane not quite sure why. It’s not based on anything l have done, it’s been a long running thing me being the scapegoat. My brother can do no wrong, everyone in the family has low expectations of him. But super high ones of me. An example is when my dad died then my mum claims it was partly my fault, he died of cancer so not sure how l had an influence on that

Well isn't he a CF. I think you dealt with this the right way. Just keep pointing out the staggering hypocrisy in his demanding you move when he isn't even based in the same country, and ignore.

Would your Mum even want you to move in or is this all his random idea?

Your brother is being ridiculous! Just keep telling him where to shove his great plans and hopefully he’ll stop making suggestions

what culture are you from?

@brownmunde English. No other cultural or religious affiliations

@wimhoffbreather no! My mum struggles to live with other people, she’s a my way or the highway kind of person. I don’t think he meant literally, maybe round the corner to do various tasks and organising. I didn’t want to feed into it so didn’t delve too closely into his plan

If she wants to be closer to family then she could move closer to him or l. She is retired so no job to tie he to anywhere. But l would not suggest it. She most likely wouldn’t want to, she is a home bird and lives less than 10 miles from where she was born

It may be partly because you are the daughter (am presuming you’re female, obviously this doesn’t apply if not!). People do tend to assume that the daughter will sort out parental care etc - clearly this is ridiculous and all the children should take responsibility for making sure inform parents are cared for. According to them, I’m screwed as I have three boys

YANBU, but I did laugh at "drop off the radar for weeks or a month at a time" - you and I have very different standards, OP! I talk to my dad once every couple of months, and my sister about once a year

@Sunnysausage yep lm female! I don’t know if it a sexist thing, it felt more like “here is a task l don’t want to do but l think it needs doing so l will outsource it to my sister”. Clearly l don’t have anything better to do or my own life

Does your mother own her own home? Perhaps he is worried in the future she might need care and doesn’t want his inheritance used to pay for it?

@LeaveMyDamnJam she does. Lovely house and very popular location. The kind of road where houses sell within the week and she gets notes through the door fairly regularly, from people wanting to buy it

She swears she won’t go into a nursing / care home ever. But she comes from a long living family so who knows what will happen

We have this same problem with DH’s sister. We live close to MIL and she lives significantly further away. So she thinks that we should look after MIL while she doesn’t have to. It’s just CF behaviour. We equally have jobs and other commitments, just because we live closer doesn’t mean we can or should offer care.

@Spudina oh yeah lm never mentioning it again! I told my partner and he was amused by the question and how it was phrased

Well there you go! Sorry you have an arse for a brother.

@AnnnaBananna exactly, we have our own lives and stuff going on! My partner and l work in healthcare so we have been so busy this year. We have this weekend off (once he has slept off his Friday night shift!) and then it’s flat out until Christmas Eve. In 2021 we are planning on doing IVF and getting married so have other stuff going on

My brother lives abroad but could probably get there quicker than me. It can easily take 5+ hours to drive there from where l live. It’s a congested and convoluted route

YANBU, your mother is not really elderly or frail, this is just a temporary situation where she needs a bit of support. There's no need for you to up sticks when her friend is able to give her help, while she stays there for a few weeks.

This sort of thing is very common with elderly parents, where the golden child who has done the least for their parents then decides that they need to remotely manage their care, by delegating it all to their (less favoured) sibling. The golden child will occasionally take precious time out of their (much busier and more important than your own) life, to visit the parent, make a fuss of them and offer plenty of (un)helpful suggestions as to how you should care for the parent. This is known as being a helicopter sibling. Don't take any crap off him, it will only encourage him.

Yep, it's a gender thing. You're 'the girl' so it's your job to care for aging parents. I was so lucky with my DBro as he found himself wanting to move from the country he was living in so he moved in with her after Dad died. He evolved into being primary carer for her as she started having dementia and he was so patient and kind with her. No one could have done a better job.

Personally if I were you I'd subtly start talking up the country where your brother lives. If you're lucky maybe she'll have the brilliant idea of moving there!

Tell him you will move when he does, i.e never. Bloody cheek.

Arf. My family do this to me! I only have sisters but am still instructed regularly on how to be more caring/helpful and asked what my plans are for her old age.. My mum is perfectly able to care for herself and I’m busy so....that’d be a big fat no from me.

Have you thought about what will happen when your DM does become elderly? Not saying you have to move closer, but if the friend hadn’t been staying with her what would have happened to your DM this time?

@brownmunde

what culture are you from?

The funny thing about this question is in a lot of cultures where children take care of and live with their parents - the onus is usually on the son not the daughter so it would still have been a weird question to ask😂. OP would usually be the one calling her DB and asking when he is going to move his mum in 😂😂.

OP you did exceptionally well by turning the tables on him. I can just imagine him getting in a huff about you having the audacity to ask him that.

What on earth did he think you would say? That you are leaving my house and partner, resigning from my job effective immediately to move in with mum 300 miles away??? He really does not value or respect anything about your life and responsibilities if he thinks you should drop everything immediately while he gets to say it's not possible or not a good time for him. Why does he get to outsource unpaid care and labour to you and get off free

I would wait until this episode has passed and your mum's feeling better again, and then have a conversation with your brother, preferably by email, about how the family will deal with care in the future should your mum need it. It would give you an excuse to make your boundaries clear, so that you can avoid any further unwelcome, erroneous assumptions being made.

The "be nice to mum" thing is interesting. I wonder if your mum is slagging you off to the golden child.

Also, your brother is a twat.