My brother rang me to ask me when l am going to move back home?!

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

My mum had an accident earlier today, she tripped at home and split her head open. She went to hospital and got some stitches. Now back at home and went to bed early. One of her closest friends is staying with her temporarily, she collected her and is keeping at eyes on her tonight. Friend will be moving out early next year, this has always been the plan. Her friend got an excellent offer for her house and in a tricky market didn’t want to delay so is staying with my mum as a stop gap.

My brother rang me this evening which naively l thought was a phew / joint reassurance type call. But no. He asked in a fairly direct way when l was moving back to our home town to support our mum. I was like errr never?! I live about 300 miles away, have a full time permanent job, as does my partner and we own a property here. My partner is from here and neither of us wish to move -apart from to a bigger property in the vicinity. I made this clear and asked my brother what his plans were about moving back? He said it’s not really possible or a “good time”, brother seemed aggrieved by me saying no and then me questioning him (but surely you can’t expect this to only be a 1 way street?!).

Not that l think my mum needs any further support for clarity. It was an accident and these things happen. I’m blown away by my brothers question and the double standard when l dared ask the same question of him! There is no drip feed of physical illness, dementia etc. If it hadn’t been for the pandemic then my mum would have gone on holiday 3-4 times this year, been out and about throughout. Like the rest of us then she’s annoyed her plans have been cancelled or postponed.

My brother is the golden child and lm the scapegoat. He lives abroad and has done for years, used to be appalling about keeping in touch with any of us e.g. drop off the radar for weeks or a month at a time. He has got slightly better in the last year or so, since then has taken it upon himself to “instruct” me about how to interact with our mother. It’s super odd, back in the summer l got a random text one day saying “be nice to mum” I find his suggestions laughable and l make this clear to him.

I’m not putting this in elderly parents as she isn’t elderly. Well, late 60’s wasn’t the last time l checked anyway! My dad isn’t on the scene; they divorced a long time ago and he died about 5 years ago.

An example is when my dad died then my mum claims it was partly my fault, he died of cancer so not sure how l had an influence on that

Why would anyone give up a life they were happy with to live nearer to this anyway?

I think you will need to keep making it clear, and he won’t like it, but tough tits.

Your family dynamic sounds bad, and tbh you having moved away will have been the best thing for you.

Don’t allow yourself to be dragged back into this.

[quote WhatKatyDidNxt]@HornbeamLane not quite sure why. It’s not based on anything l have done, it’s been a long running thing me being the scapegoat. My brother can do no wrong, everyone in the family has low expectations of him. But super high ones of me. An example is when my dad died then my mum claims it was partly my fault, he died of cancer so not sure how l had an influence on that[/quote]
Sorry but for that reason alone I wouldn't be moving back! How on earth can she blame you for your dad's death? She's lucky you still speak to her.

Well done for building a life for yourself away from people who treat you like a scapegoat. You're right not to give it up just because your brother wants you to!

It's strange isn't it?

The assumption that women have nothing else going on in their lives.

That hasn't been the case for many years-& even then never was for many!

"He said it’s not really possible or a “good time”"-oh yes, brother dear, exactly the same as for me!

Both DH and BIL moved away in their 20s. BIL moved back, his job allowed him to, no work for DH there at all.
When MIL became unwell they were ‘too busy’ (they weren’t) and even suggested we make ourselves unemployed to look after her. We live 300 miles away, them 5 miles.
Actually DH did end up doing the bulk of the care, it destroyed him. He went home most weekends and BIL would sulk he wouldn’t go and hang out at his house.
Worst thing is they have since told everyone they did all of the care and DH did nothing.
You need to put your foot down early on this, he just wants to wash his hands and know you’ve taken responsibility.

Your mother is late sixties , not elderly , you're not usually frail at that age. So was the accident a one off or does she have underlying health conditions which would necessitate someone living with her ?

Even if she does , your brother is out of order to say that it should be you.

I think he's trying to get his plans for you out in the open early, so that when she is older and needs help, he can say 'but we've always agreed you'll be moving near to mum and taking care of her' and look confused and hurt when you say no, or don't seem to remember.

Sounds like the (golden) apple hasn't fallen far from the tree in the 'my way or the highway' stakes.

With manipulative people like him, I find it helpful to think the phrase 'it would be convenient to me if...' in front of everything they say. Also to say this back to them. So, 'You've told me it would be convenient to you if I was to do all the shitwork. It would be very inconvenient to me though. As much or more so as it would to you. So, with that on the table, lets start this conversation again, shall we?'

[quote WhatKatyDidNxt]@HornbeamLane not quite sure why. It’s not based on anything l have done, it’s been a long running thing me being the scapegoat. My brother can do no wrong, everyone in the family has low expectations of him. But super high ones of me. An example is when my dad died then my mum claims it was partly my fault, he died of cancer so not sure how l had an influence on that[/quote]
it's all a bit odd. Can you think (objectively) of any reason why you're thought of so much differently? Forgive bluntness, but is there more to this story than you're telling us?

@Bluesheep8

An example is when my dad died then my mum claims it was partly my fault, he died of cancer so not sure how l had an influence on that

This bit is really concerning op

Yes.

Ohh this is a sad read. I totally get the whole feminist attitude of ‘why should it be left to me just cause I’m a woman’ but it is very sad that no one (female or not) has the inclination to look after their parents as they get older. We have just moved with our children back to my home town, one of the reasons being that eventually my parents will need a bit of help and I want to be close by. My siblings all live further away and so presumably all the care will fall to me but I wouldn’t want my parents to go without help because my siblings and I were in a stalemate over who should have to do it

@MyCassiopiea yeah her logic made no sense. Lots of transference there l think. She was vile to me when he died and we didn’t speak for months

Another example that’s spring to mind (there are many!) is my mum’s 60th birthday. I took a long weekend off work and went to see her. Got her a card and present, took her out for the day and l drove. Took her somewhere tasty and scenic for food. A couple of years later she told me l made no effort for her 60th and lm selfish . My brother for clarity didn’t visit or make it up to her with a holiday etc. He was “busy” apparently.

There is a vibe that he can be busy but l can’t. My busy is leaving the house before 6am and getting back at 10pm so quite demanding

I had this from my brother. Not directly but he told me I was getting weird because I lived alone and tried to dictate how often I saw my mother. I went lc with him. If your brother raises it again, tell him to fuck off!

God, he sounds just like my brother, who also lives abroad and is also the golden child. He likes to tell me and my sister how we should be dealing with our mother. She's 88 now with many health issues, and his latest is to tell me when she dies he'll pay for the house to be renovated and I can project manage it! Yeah, thanks for that bro but I don't need you to organise me or find me things to do. The house will be sold as is unless he comes back to oversee renovations himself.

but it is very sad that no one (female or not) has the inclination to look after their parents as they get older.

This is not at all how it is for many people. Whatever your inclinations may be, if you've moved away you may have bought a house, got a job and kids in school there - as was the case for me. It was also the case that when my dad's dementia became obvious, it required more care than any working person could give even if living locally. Are you prepared to give up work @HedgehogPJs in that scenario? Or miss out on time with your kids to be a full time carer? I know OP is far from that point yet. Care for the elderly, especially where dementia is involved, is hard. 'A bit of help' is one thing, i.e. getting shopping, giving lifts. Not so many people look ahead to the day they're cleaning an incontinent parent's shit off the carpet and thinking of an answer to the question when they ask where their dead wife is today.

@ineedaholidaynow in all honesty l have given it little thought. I will be being very boundaried, so not driving 600 mile round trip every other week. She wouldn’t move from where she lives and l won’t move there so that’s that.
My mum likes to do what suits her so l will be following suit. E.g. when l was at university she wouldn’t ever pick me up or collect me, said l had to pay for it myself and that l needed to be independent. She tried and failed to delegate me taking my brother to university as she didn’t want to as it’s a lot of “hassle”

For years she has said don’t have children or if you do then lm giving zero assistance. Ironic as her mother helped her out every week with my brother and l

I must admit I don't find it difficult to navigate these things, as far as I'm concerned if parents need help then everyone needs to do their fair share or they go into a home etc.

Agree with other posters society, even in 2020, still expect women to pick all this up. Even when the son is doing it's actually normally their partner. Women are their own worst enemy because a lot of women still expect this and judge other women for it. It would be easy to change however unfortunately most women are brainwashed into thinking that they are horrible/unkind if they don't.

@Defenbaker oh yeah, I intend to take zero crap off him! I’m intrigued to know what his next move will be if anyway

An example is when my dad died then my mum claims it was partly my fault
Your brother has got his cuntish behaviour from your mother, clearly.

I'm not sure what the YABU/YANBU question is here but I think you should feel free to laugh long and loud down the phone to your brother if he comes up with any such shit again.

What does your mum want? She's probably happy as she is?

My mums 68, dad passed 8 yrs ago.

My sister has been on her to sell her house and move. We all live closely so no need to.

Also treats her like an old infirm lady when out, holding her on the stairs etc!

My mum walks 4 miles a day, has a circle of friends local to her, and doesn't look a day over 50!

Your brother is an arse for being assumptive, but your mum will have her own plans, and her own mind. He needs to ask her what she plans to do if she needs more care, not dump it on you!

@CharityDingle if he ever asks again, then he’s being told the 5th of never

You're only being U in that you didn't switch to FaceTime before you told your brother where to get off. I imagine watching his face rearrange itself would have been quite satisfying.

I was in a similar situation. My brother lives in London whilst we live nearer Scotland. My late dm had early stage dementia and was managing with care three times a day.

I had two grandchildren placed with me through the courts, one of which had some difficulties and both were very young. I was being called out to my mum regularly and I was in an impossible situation. Our SW said that it would not be possible to have the boys and take on the care of my mum. But my brother offered nothing and I even had to ask him to look after the financial side which he agreed to, then conveniently "forgot" resulting in a huge care bill.

I will always feel guilty about my mum but the children aside, I could not have coped with her eventual complex needs.

Your dm is nowhere near this situation but at least you have made your position very clear. He is ridiculously selfish and is trying to pass on his responsibilities to you. My late dm always preferred my brother to me and it is always ironic how a favoured child walks away.

I also think you need to speak to your dm in the New Year and see what has been said and what her expectations are rather than letting your brother tell you how he thinks things should pan out ie what suits him.

You're a woman, it is assumed by everyone that you will take on a caring role. It stinks like a bag of burning shit.

@Aquamarine1029 quite possibly. My mum hates to be challenged, then gets hyper sensitive and irritable so she probably does moan to my brother. Our last big disagreement was when l mentioned to her l had labyrinthitis. She openly laughed and told me l was wrong?! Errr me and my partner work in healthcare, have 30 odd years experience between us so we have picked up a “few things” in that time. I justified it in a more polite way than that and told her she was wrong but she was miffed. Then started shouting at me and hung up the phone on me. Eventually l got a GP appointment, you know how tricky it can be and yep it was labyrinthitis. For clarity she wasn’t a doctor or a nurse or similar (she’s retired).

This happened to me when my father died. There was an assumption among several family members that I would give up my home 1000s of kilometres away, give up my career and my life, and move in with my mother and care for her for the rest of her life. The answer was a very clear "No".