My brother rang me to ask me when l am going to move back home?!

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

My mum had an accident earlier today, she tripped at home and split her head open. She went to hospital and got some stitches. Now back at home and went to bed early. One of her closest friends is staying with her temporarily, she collected her and is keeping at eyes on her tonight. Friend will be moving out early next year, this has always been the plan. Her friend got an excellent offer for her house and in a tricky market didn’t want to delay so is staying with my mum as a stop gap.

My brother rang me this evening which naively l thought was a phew / joint reassurance type call. But no. He asked in a fairly direct way when l was moving back to our home town to support our mum. I was like errr never?! I live about 300 miles away, have a full time permanent job, as does my partner and we own a property here. My partner is from here and neither of us wish to move -apart from to a bigger property in the vicinity. I made this clear and asked my brother what his plans were about moving back? He said it’s not really possible or a “good time”, brother seemed aggrieved by me saying no and then me questioning him (but surely you can’t expect this to only be a 1 way street?!).

Not that l think my mum needs any further support for clarity. It was an accident and these things happen. I’m blown away by my brothers question and the double standard when l dared ask the same question of him! There is no drip feed of physical illness, dementia etc. If it hadn’t been for the pandemic then my mum would have gone on holiday 3-4 times this year, been out and about throughout. Like the rest of us then she’s annoyed her plans have been cancelled or postponed.

My brother is the golden child and lm the scapegoat. He lives abroad and has done for years, used to be appalling about keeping in touch with any of us e.g. drop off the radar for weeks or a month at a time. He has got slightly better in the last year or so, since then has taken it upon himself to “instruct” me about how to interact with our mother. It’s super odd, back in the summer l got a random text one day saying “be nice to mum” I find his suggestions laughable and l make this clear to him.

I’m not putting this in elderly parents as she isn’t elderly. Well, late 60’s wasn’t the last time l checked anyway! My dad isn’t on the scene; they divorced a long time ago and he died about 5 years ago.

It's not just a brother thing. I have two sisters, one lives abroad and the other one the other end of the country. I am expected to do everything and then moaned at by them as well as my mother moaning to me about the other two. They phone once a week and my mother pretends everything is fine to them, I provide both the practical and emotional support and its draining. Good luck OP I am not sure quite what the answer is.

It’s interesting that it always seems to fall to the daughter to care for elderly parents. I would absolutely stand my ground.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for your brother to expect you to help out/organise stuff if he lives in a different country and you only live 300 miles away.

Especially if you work in healthcare and the problem is medical-related.

But expecting you and your DH to give up your jobs and move nearby to care for your Mum! He'd get a big Fuck Off from me. If it's that desperate and she/the family can't pay for care, she'll have to move nearer you or go into a home. Sure, she won't like it, but most people have to compromise as we get older.

@WhatKatyDidNxt

For what it's worth, despite what a number of posters have said, late sixties IS 'elderly.' So your mother is elderly for sure.

That said, I am 100% on your side. As many posters have said, it is because you're female. Men are never expected to look after the older/elderly relatives, and women are always guilt-tripped, and expected to put their lives on hold to look after older/elderly relatives.

In some countries/cultures, they have much bigger, more close-knit families, they almost always live within a mile or two of one another, and there are many of them to pitch in. In the UK, we are almost always miles away from our family, because work, and life takes us away, and families are much smaller, and often not very close. And always always ALWAYS, the oldest female is expected to look after the older/elderly relatives.

YANBU to say NO. Especially as your mother was such a bitch about it being (supposedly) your fault that your dad died of cancer. That's actually almost funny, that she blamed you, because it's sooooo off-the-charts ridiculous. I supposed covid19 and the floods back in February are your fault too. Hmmm? Daft.

All the best. Look after yourself, and do NOT move back. Stay where you are.

P.S. YANBU to tell your brother to FUCK OFF!

Fuck me, this is actually making me angry. Why are women treated so appallingly by society, and the extended family? WHY WHY WHY, are women ALWAYS expected to fucking sacrifice everything? MEN NEVER ARE! ARGGGH!!!

@custardbear

He's a dick!

Can your mum move closer to you or your brother?

When my dad was terminally ill his neighbour (a part time care assistant with two kids) told me I needed to move down with my dad and care for him, even though I lived 3 hours drive away, had a young child, both me and DH worked full time, owned our home and would basically lose my career (scientist) and house if I left my job, She just didn't comprehend why I wouldn't and made me feel absolutely terrible!
My brother was single, consultant, but oh no, he couldn't possibly do it according to her 🙄

My brother suggested our dad move closer to us, which he didn't end up doing abd died about a year later - and that cow of a neighbour blamed me - literally dad just died and she was berating me - it was awful

This is fucking disgusting.

Put me in mind actually, of a similar thing that happened to me.

My grandad's brother died (back in 1997,) and his wife (my great auntie Flo who was 62,) became ill about six months later, and was in hospital for 2 weeks. It was her pancreas. I visited her several times in hospital. And she and the hospital were 25-30 miles away.

She had no children, and no family alive, except a sister who was 5 years younger, and lived 50 miles away. I was one of 4 visitors, including my grandad, my dad, and my brother. I visited her and my great uncle 5 or 6 times a year. The extended family rarely visited, maybe once or twice a year.

On the 4th visit to the hospital, and about 10 days after she was admitted, the sister on the ward told me that she needs care after she leaves hospital, and I need to take her home with me. I had 2 kids under 7, I worked 3 days a week, (nearly 30 hours,) and we lived in a 2 bedroom semi. There was no room.

I told the ward sister this, and she said I will need to make room. I said, 'I am sorry, I can't do it. I can't look after her. I work, I have 2 small kids, and my house is really small.' She persisted, and said I NEED to sort it.

NOT ONE of the men in the family who had visited were asked - or expected - to take her in and look after her.

I persisted too, and said 'I am very sorry, but I can't do this.' The sister scowled at me, and said I need to sort this.

I walked off as I was getting upset.

I went home with my kids, and tried to forget what had been said. I never mentioned it to anyone.

A week later, my dad told me that he had rung the hospital, and was told my great aunt had moved in with her sister... We didn't know where the sister lived, and never heard from her again. We did hear later on that she died in 2001.

But yeah, that made me angry and upset, that I was expected to bloody take her in.

You could use this to point out the sexism (?) Of your brother. "Imagine, a capable person like mum wanting me, who caused dad's death looking after her ha ha ha what a family of jokers hey". I know that's all mot true but I think pointing out the sheer absurdity of their thinking needs doing. It's batshit!
Seriously though. I'd be gradually fading these oddities out of my life!

@brownmunde

what culture are you from?

This seems to be the norm for many men irrespective of culture, the caring is always the female's responsibility. A similar thing happened to a friend who spent years looking after the ailing father with the brother staying in france but constantly criticising. When the father eventually died he was back faster than the speed of light to take over the disposal of property and make sure he got his share, he actually suggested that as his sister led a fairly modest life he should get the lion's share!

Your relationship with your Mum sounds quite similar to mine but my Mum is quite a bit older than yours.

The question I would be asking your brother is...... Why me? I very much doubt Mum would want me to move back. She's made it very clear she prefers you. When are YOU moving back?

At the end of the day, your Mum has her own life and needs to decide how she will manage as she ages with no family nearby. It's important that she does this when she is fit and sane. You can then have the conversation to make it clear that you won't be moving back to support her.

It is tough. I wasn't supported through university/buying my first property or any of those milestones. I just had to get on with it while my Mum focused on her own Mother/her side of the family. She now expects me to put her first. I did do a lot for her when my Dad died. Our relationship improved during that time but it was never enough. Like you, there would be no real recognition for getting up at the crack of sparrows, driving 500 miles, peeling a mountain of spuds so we could have Christmas dinner. Instead, it would be that dinner was too late or the turkey was a bit dry. Factor in the passive aggressive stuff and it's even more exhausting.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my situation and now I just do what I can without over extending myself. I have done far more for my Mum than she has ever done for me (beyond the basics of raising a child!). I do love her but recognise that she is a bit odd and has an unrealistic expectation that the relationship should revolve around her after years of not bothering to invest any time or energy in it.

My mother had a mental breakdown when I was in university, my stepdad lived with her, my brother lived on the same street, I still got a phone call from her best friend telling me I had to come home to take care of her and my sister.
And like an 18 year old idiot, I did. Worst decision of my life.

I'm also the scapegoat and my DB is the golden child. I finally went no contact with my mother 18 months ago, and my biggest regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

Anyway, this week I recieved a letter to say that I have been removed as my mothers lasting power of attorny for health and for finance/property, so it's just my DB as LPA now. Guess that's me off the hook...Happy Christmas to Me!!!

OP if your mother has always treated you unfairly you owe her nothing. Just do what you feel is right for you. Your brother is nuts!!

We moved back to the UK last year when dh retired; my db is still abroad,c and will be for at least the next three years, and was talking about retiring in France, but who knows now? I am doing all the running around for Mum, several times a week, and db swoops in a couple of times a year for an hour, and then queries things. I know that I will end up doing all the heavy lifting for Mum, whilst he carries on on the continent.

And this is why I’m unendingly glad I no longer have contact with my sister as I know this scenario would play out in exactly the same way.

If your mother gets to the point where she needs care then there are other options that don’t involve you having to upsticks. There is sheltered housing, care homes or else your mother could move to be closer to you or even your brother!!!

I don't suppose this has come from your mother at all by the sounds of things

This is your brother being a selfish, sexist fool; and trying to relieve his own guilt at being too far away to be of any use at all, and disinclined to inconvenience himself either, by deciding it's your job.

We have just moved with our children back to my home town, one of the reasons being that eventually my parents will need a bit of help and I want to be close by.

I'm glad this was an option for you...it just isn't an option for so many. In my situation my parents have chosen to live in a small town near the countryside so lovely for them, nice town centre to walk to etc etc. Terrible schools, no infrastructure because they don't need it. We live in a small city with fantastic schools, lots to do, tonnes of opportunities for young people. Why on earth would I disadvantage my child to provide care for my parent? That's before you even get to the question of finding a job to move to, especially at a time like this, it could be impossible! When the time comes I will do what I can but my son is my responsibility, not my parents. Thank goodness they agree!

But he's a MAN OP, how dare you expect him to be the carer!!

Stories on here are infuriating ( expectations of care, people leaving uni to care for parents etc). OP sorry if I missed this but does your "d"B have children as well? The idea of uprooting any children settled at school would be a no go for me ( along with careers/jobs/housing). I prioritise my children over my parents. Likewise I aim to sort my own care etc ( hopefully one of my DC will tell me when I need to ). As for the poster with the single consultant DB he is in an idea position to move ( so many unfilled vacancies).

@FlamedToACrisp but there’s nothing to organise and no healthcare needs . She slipped on a magazine she left on the floor, it could have happened to any of us

This sort of thing is very common with elderly parents, where the golden child who has done the least for their parents then decides that they need to remotely manage their care, by delegating it all to their (less favoured) sibling. The golden child will occasionally take precious time out of their (much busier and more important than your own) life, to visit the parent, make a fuss of them and offer plenty of (un)helpful suggestions as to how you should care for the parent. This is known as being a helicopter sibling. Don't take any crap off him, it will only encourage him.

This was my Dad's situation - Uncle lived abroad and swanned in and wrote begging letters for cash which he always got.

My MIL was expected to handle her MIL with other DILs - it was all sons - I think she learnt and pushed back and let the golden child her brother deal with her parents he moved back in - she did things for them but had boundaries. My Mum also got swept up with her IL but kept distance better with her parents though it then fell to her SIL - Mum said she was daft to do all she did though at end when they were at hospital and carehome stage it was Mum who sorted everything and visited.

So I think this is a mix of woman work and golden child syndrome - but all CF.

You know what you Brother is obviously being a CF.
What amazes me that he could say that without knowing.
I can only think of two reasons:
a) He thinks he does other things that even it out, maybe financially?
b) He is used to using your kindness to get out of doing things he should be doing.
Reading from the post I think it is the latter, and I really feel sorry for you. On one hand the right course of action would be a fair breakdown between you both and for you not to do stuff he is supposed to do. On the other hand it will be your DM who suffers if he doesn't.
I am sorry OP I really dont envy our position.

@HedgehogPJs My late father lived with us for a few years as he got elderly before he became paralysed down one side. It worked out really well for all of us and I was happy to take him in.

I did not do the same for my mother, and would not have done. Health care people blamed my mother for my suicide attempts and mental breakdowns.

Nowadays, people have the freedom to make choices and parents reap what they sow.

It's such sexism. It's amazing this stil happens. It's supposed to be up to women to care for everyone who is ill regardless of circumstances.

I'm another "you reap what you sow" person. If someone hasn't had a close, nurturing, positive relationship with their parents, the parents shouldn't be surprised when their child is unwilling to sacrifice or move to support them in their declining years (which it doesn't sound like your mother has reached, yet, in any case). You can't be a cold, unloving parent and then be shocked that your child isn't brimming with warmth and love for you.

It's staggeringly presumptuous of your brother to believe that he has any say in your decisions. If he feels your mother needs a child living nearby, he can make that happen himself.

What a bloody cheek. I'm the scapegoat too and my 2 siblings have both emigrated for good leaving me to care for our elderly parents one of which is not my parent. All I hear from them is how wonderful the other two are and how well they are doing and how proud they are while I'm chopped liver.
One of these days I'll ask them why their precious children abandoned them in their old age leaving me to do the donkey work and getting not one ounce of recognition for it.

@Cheeseandwin5 he literally does nothing. Rocks up ever 12 months or so but that’s it and dues to contribute financially. Financially mum has no concerns; house is mortgage free and she has 2 pensions

Enormous empathy OP. Almost exactly same here, though in my case the cancer accusation was from my brother because my racist brother agreed I shouldn't have gone out with someone who wasn't white and that it caused my father to get cancer.