My brother rang me to ask me when l am going to move back home?!

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

My mum had an accident earlier today, she tripped at home and split her head open. She went to hospital and got some stitches. Now back at home and went to bed early. One of her closest friends is staying with her temporarily, she collected her and is keeping at eyes on her tonight. Friend will be moving out early next year, this has always been the plan. Her friend got an excellent offer for her house and in a tricky market didn’t want to delay so is staying with my mum as a stop gap.

My brother rang me this evening which naively l thought was a phew / joint reassurance type call. But no. He asked in a fairly direct way when l was moving back to our home town to support our mum. I was like errr never?! I live about 300 miles away, have a full time permanent job, as does my partner and we own a property here. My partner is from here and neither of us wish to move -apart from to a bigger property in the vicinity. I made this clear and asked my brother what his plans were about moving back? He said it’s not really possible or a “good time”, brother seemed aggrieved by me saying no and then me questioning him (but surely you can’t expect this to only be a 1 way street?!).

Not that l think my mum needs any further support for clarity. It was an accident and these things happen. I’m blown away by my brothers question and the double standard when l dared ask the same question of him! There is no drip feed of physical illness, dementia etc. If it hadn’t been for the pandemic then my mum would have gone on holiday 3-4 times this year, been out and about throughout. Like the rest of us then she’s annoyed her plans have been cancelled or postponed.

My brother is the golden child and lm the scapegoat. He lives abroad and has done for years, used to be appalling about keeping in touch with any of us e.g. drop off the radar for weeks or a month at a time. He has got slightly better in the last year or so, since then has taken it upon himself to “instruct” me about how to interact with our mother. It’s super odd, back in the summer l got a random text one day saying “be nice to mum” I find his suggestions laughable and l make this clear to him.

I’m not putting this in elderly parents as she isn’t elderly. Well, late 60’s wasn’t the last time l checked anyway! My dad isn’t on the scene; they divorced a long time ago and he died about 5 years ago.

Whilst we're sharing stories.....when my maternal grandparents started needing help and 'entertaining' so they didn't sit in the house 24/7 it fell to my mum and my auntie their daughters. Their three sons did bloody fuck-all except drop by every so often to pass a bit of time. In the meanwhile Mum & Auntie divvied the duties with Mum going by every morning before work to fix breakfast and see that G & G (Gran & Grandad) were dressed and 'set up' for the day. Auntie came by every evening, got their supper and made sure G & G were ready for bed. They organized a weekly cleaner and split any 'leftover' housework. They 'traded off' weekends having G&G over, going for a drive and generally seeing that they weren't left on their own. They also rotated Xmas and other holidays. Again, their three brothers did nothing but pay 'courtesy calls' and stop by of a holiday afternoon. Mum and Auntie did all this whilst working full time and running their own homes. Auntie actually had two children still at home. DBro and I were grown, although I was still at home and assumed some of Mum's housework & got our supper to free her up.

During this time my uncles were living their lives and traveling hither and thither on holidays whilst Mum and Auntie (and their husbands) were pretty much limited to the occasional weekend away. They were exhausted.

This continued until Auntie's DH and my dad decided enough was enough. They knew that 'the girls' would never confront their brothers so Uncle and Dad got the 3 brothers together and gave them holy-ass hell. They told them that their wives were NOT their parents only children and that the brothers needed to do their share. I guess excuses were given and more was said but Dad wouldn't give the specifics. My uncle was an outspoken man and Dad said his jaw was on the floor at Uncle's 'vehemence'. The upshot was that a rota was established for the weekends and 'holiday cover'. Mum and Auntie continued to do the AM/PM as it involved bathing and dressing their mother and they felt that it would have been upsetting to her to have 'a man' see her undressed. Not soon after, my 3 uncles (all well to do) arranged for live in help for their parents. Funny thing, they never thought to do that before they were forced to help out.

I know there are plenty of sons who are wonderful, generous carers. My brother was one as I posted above. My DH was another. His care for his mum in her later years was a wonderful thing to see and now that we're older and he's had to care for me when I've broken a couple of bones, I can see that I will be a lucky woman if I begin to 'fail' before he does.

As far as the OP's situation, her mother's comment that she was partially responsible for her father's death, wow. I have to say it would certainly lessen any sense of responsibility to her I may have felt. "As ye sow, so shall ye reap".

I’d have laughed in his face. He’s clearly a spoilt CF who views you in a very misogynistic light if he thinks you - as the daughter - should be the one to move home.

He’s also clearly quite thick if he thinks the way it works is that people who have settled lives, homes and jobs just move back “home” (a, at all or b, after an accident).

If I were you - and your brother- I’d go and stay with your DM for a weekend- cook her meals, fill her fridge, check she can get to the bathroom and up and down stairs ok, and see if there’s a neighbour who can check on her when her friend moves out, but there’s no need for more at this stage.

If she was elderly I’d say get carers in for her while she recovers- but she’s in her 60s.

Your brother is a bell end.

It's always about your time and life being much less important that theirs. I've had this. Never mind I was a single mother, working full time with my own home to run. It was easier for me despite their having wives to stay with their children whilst they run around and sort things out. It was easier for them!

Tell him you've been thinking about his message, and you've decided he's absolutely right- your mum does need someone living nearby and, since you and dp are fixed where you are by work and each other, you're sure that he will be do the right thing by your mum and make plans to move immediately. And copy your mum into the message.

@HedgehogPJs

Ohh this is a sad read. I totally get the whole feminist attitude of ‘why should it be left to me just cause I’m a woman’ but it is very sad that no one (female or not) has the inclination to look after their parents as they get older. We have just moved with our children back to my home town, one of the reasons being that eventually my parents will need a bit of help and I want to be close by. My siblings all live further away and so presumably all the care will fall to me but I wouldn’t want my parents to go without help because my siblings and I were in a stalemate over who should have to do it

@HedgehogPJs that's a lovely thing you've done for your parents, but I don't think anyone's particularly trying to peddle this as a feminist issue. I am a carer for my elderly mother, and was very involved in my father's care during his final illness, and although I'm very glad to have been able to help them, it's fair to say that it has impacted my career (and thus my finances), my marriage, my friendships, and my mental and physical health. A lot of people can't take on parent care for a whole wealth of reasons that have nothing to do with feminism, and I thought your post came off a bit judgey tbh.

@HedgehogPJs get down off that crucifix, someone needs the wood!

@Cheeseandwin5 dues = doesn’t!!

@FestiveFruitloop err yeah l felt it was judgey as well. It’s not that we are at a “stalemate”, it’s not required at this time. Plus l don’t want to uproot my life especially as the demand of someone who won’t do the same. I do have my own life, l don’t have an empty life waiting to be filled by tasks for other people

@Draineddraineddrained

Oh heck all this reminded me of my middle brothers comments after mum had her gall bladder removed and the hospital refused to let her home without 24 hr adult supervision.

I rang my middle local brother to ask about sharing her care as I had to work and was told no he and his wife wouldnt help care at all for mum as they both were too busy. I suspect my SIL (who is too lovely to be married to him) didnt know particularly as she never worked Fridays which was the day after my mum came out and would have stayed with mum if she knew.

I am an Aussie, but was living in the Netherlands with my DH and three little kids when my dad was diagnosed with MND. I flew back many times with the kids and alone and nursed him through the final stage while my DM sat outside and chainsmoked on the phone telling everyone how tragic her life was, how exhausted she was and how I was “lounging by the pool” and “Out shopping.” (I did neither, of course - I was taking dad to appointments when he was well enough, and later I was clearing his tracheostomy tube, giving him enemas, bathing him, changing him, giving him pain meds, etc....My DB (who lived in the same town) was only around when he needed money from mother dearest. When she was diagnosed with lung cancer, can you guess who was expected to fly back and nurse DM? I did, and she was even more abusive - it was the worst experience of my life. She certainly hadn’t mellowed. My DB nicked her credit card and cooked up a lot of damage, I heard how fabulous he was and how she wished I had never been born. She scratched and bit me and spat in my face. I ended up leaving early and letting her die without me. I still have ptsd.

@justilou1 . That is awful

@justilou1 (((HUGS))) You poor thing.

God bless you for being such an absolute star. I am so sorry you had to go through this shit. I hope you're OK now my love.

Also, hugs and flowers to everyone else on here who has been through similar, and who has always had to tolerate being second best to their precious bloody brothers! (((HUGS)))

Sounds like sexism to me. Presumably your brother used to watch Bernard Manning or Jim Davidson and think they were funny.

I totally get the whole feminist attitude of ‘why should it be left to me just cause I’m a woman’ but it is very sad that no one (female or not) has the inclination to look after their parents as they get older. We have just moved with our children back to my home town, one of the reasons being that eventually my parents will need a bit of help and I want to be close by What's the situation with your DH's parents?

My maternal grandfather was an arse. A rude and aggressive bully. He’d been particularly abusive to my mum growing up as the scapegoat of the children. She left and moved abroad at 17. Then returned to the U.K. in her 20s but never returned to her hometown. The other siblings stayed relatively local. None of them ever had their parents for Christmas dinner/day. When the youngest of the siblings husband left her with a few kids she started inviting their parents for Christmas. They’d travel over on numerous buses and trams with food and presents. Then Aunt got a boyfriend and decided she didn’t want them over on Christmas. Trouble was they now had got used to spending it with family. So Auntie called Mum and told her it was her turn to host them. Mum laughed and said no way (for a start my dad wouldn’t be in the same house as my grandfather), she’d started this tradition when it was convenient for her and now it wasn’t was trying to palm it off on someone else. Aunt then told me my mum had always been so inexplicably selfish and no one knew why. I laughed and told her the truth. Strangely though she didn’t seem to think my uncle (who had bilked them out of every penny they had to pay various gambling debts) was selfish. 😂

Oh thanks, guys... I’m getting there. It didn’t help that my DM had tied her estate up with expensive lawyers and put most of it in trust (managed by them) for my arsehole DB, too. The only gratifying things that really happened were that a) her filter slipped and people saw the way she treated me and spoke to me, and b) she died a few days before Christmas and the very grand funeral she imagined was really rather puny. (Maybe 20 people...)

@madcatladyforever

What a bloody cheek. I'm the scapegoat too and my 2 siblings have both emigrated for good leaving me to care for our elderly parents one of which is not my parent. All I hear from them is how wonderful the other two are and how well they are doing and how proud they are while I'm chopped liver. One of these days I'll ask them why their precious children abandoned them in their old age leaving me to do the donkey work and getting not one ounce of recognition for it.

Just stop doing it

Interesting to hear these responses about the "golden child" amongst siblings where some have emigrated.

I emigrated and my brother stayed. My mum is excruciatingly bitter about me leaving. She certainly doesn't bang on to others about how well I'm doing. But then again, I am female so perhaps I should have stayed to be a dutiful daughter? Never mind the fact that my parents aren't elderly and are perfectly capable of looking after themselves, as well as being wealthy enough to afford help it they need it...

it is very sad that no one (female or not) has the inclination to look after their parents as they get older.

Surely you reap what you sow? My mother was an angry drunk throughout my entire life, up until I hit my late 20s. We were never close and she was very nasty. Since she quit drinking she's calmed down a bit, but she certainly hasn't done me many favours in life. I'm not suggesting that you have to keep score or anything petty, but surely if your parents have made the effort to cultivate a close relationship with you, and have made sacrifices for you, then you would probably be close anyway and want to help. People who move far away from their parents and don't hear from them much were probably not that close to begin with, and maybe for good reason.

I disagree with the idea that you must look after your parents simply because they are your parents. The relationship is either there or it isn't. It requires work from both sides.

What's annoying is that people won't admit they will eventually be old and frail and need help. Instead they wait til it happens and are then so sorry and anxious for themselves with their heart problems/ arthritic hips etc that they just assume people will be there daily to sort their lives.
I hope I won't be the same.
My DM had enough money to have private carers/ cook/cleaners in but wouldn't part with her money. Was so frail she had to move to a care home eventually but didn't want to, if it had been pre planned she could have stayed at home.

When my gm became frail it was left to my df and I (16-18) to care for her. Db (18-20) refused to even visit as he didn't want to see her in that condition. We only lived over the road so it was easier and we saw her everyday so it wasn't a hardship at first.
Nice(ish) uncle was a carer for his terminally ill wife and wasn't in a position to help at first. She died a year before gran and he only visited twice despite being 2 miles down the road.
Other uncle -twat- lived a 3 hour drive away so wouldn't have been able to do anything routine, fair enough, but wouldn't even so much as organise a Tesco shop online for her. He moaned about everything we did.
We had to do it, with df working full time and me at full time college. We had to take it in turns sleeping over at hers as she would fall a lot. When she got really bad after breaking her hip we both said enough and made the start at moving her into a care home. Not what anyone wanted but we couldn't go on. Both uncles were majorly annoyed with df and I for "being selfish" and spending their inheritance on a home. She died in hospital before going to a home. Df, db and I cleared her home. Df was also executor of the will.
Far away uncle stayed in her home when he came for the funeral and his wife stole an antique cake stand that the 3 brother's had agreed to sell as was worth a lot. Closer uncle took the wedding album, after originality no one wanted it other than me, to make copies for everyone. His new wife threw them away as apparently it was a load of old junk.
Df us a joiner by trade and uncles wanted him to renovate the house (at his own cost) to maximise the profit. He didn't and they only each got 15,000 with elder uncle pleading that the location makes it worth so much more.
We are very lc with them. Xmas cards, funerals, weddings and it's bliss.

I don't know if it is males who are more selfish or women who are more guilted.

Or the women (as it is the women) who bring their sons up at the expense of their daughters to be like this, perhaps? How can they possibly have so little insight?

Have a bit of a similar experience with my family. Brother is definitely the golden child. It is pretty shocking really given how my DM was so badly treated by my grandad for being a girl and was practically disowned by him for going off and getting an education (we are talking going to secretarial college here). DM has had a couple of accidents and it was clear that it was down to me and DSis to sort it out (she lived with us while recovering from the first one and with DSis for the second). We joke about it being DBs turn "next time" but we both know that it is unlikely to happen and I'm not sure I'd neccesarily trust him to be able to look after a vulnerable elderly lady.