My brother rang me to ask me when l am going to move back home?!

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

My mum had an accident earlier today, she tripped at home and split her head open. She went to hospital and got some stitches. Now back at home and went to bed early. One of her closest friends is staying with her temporarily, she collected her and is keeping at eyes on her tonight. Friend will be moving out early next year, this has always been the plan. Her friend got an excellent offer for her house and in a tricky market didn’t want to delay so is staying with my mum as a stop gap.

My brother rang me this evening which naively l thought was a phew / joint reassurance type call. But no. He asked in a fairly direct way when l was moving back to our home town to support our mum. I was like errr never?! I live about 300 miles away, have a full time permanent job, as does my partner and we own a property here. My partner is from here and neither of us wish to move -apart from to a bigger property in the vicinity. I made this clear and asked my brother what his plans were about moving back? He said it’s not really possible or a “good time”, brother seemed aggrieved by me saying no and then me questioning him (but surely you can’t expect this to only be a 1 way street?!).

Not that l think my mum needs any further support for clarity. It was an accident and these things happen. I’m blown away by my brothers question and the double standard when l dared ask the same question of him! There is no drip feed of physical illness, dementia etc. If it hadn’t been for the pandemic then my mum would have gone on holiday 3-4 times this year, been out and about throughout. Like the rest of us then she’s annoyed her plans have been cancelled or postponed.

My brother is the golden child and lm the scapegoat. He lives abroad and has done for years, used to be appalling about keeping in touch with any of us e.g. drop off the radar for weeks or a month at a time. He has got slightly better in the last year or so, since then has taken it upon himself to “instruct” me about how to interact with our mother. It’s super odd, back in the summer l got a random text one day saying “be nice to mum” I find his suggestions laughable and l make this clear to him.

I’m not putting this in elderly parents as she isn’t elderly. Well, late 60’s wasn’t the last time l checked anyway! My dad isn’t on the scene; they divorced a long time ago and he died about 5 years ago.

Let golden child live up to his lustre

Not necessarily gender - still CF brother though.

My Uncle moved to Australia the same year that I was born; we lived a couple of miles away from my Nan, my Father visited regularly, helped out with household and garden maintenance - but my Uncle was always the perfect son who could do no wrong, with the occasional letter/cheque praised and gloated over by my Nan.

Although when she'd visited him in Australia (early 1960's, so quite a trek) she'd been so put out by lack of welcome, she left early and went travelling

It’s a busy Christmas. Are there any mutual friends or family you’d be in touch with? Drop your brother a message Hi Bro, we are flat out in the lead up to xmas so would be good if you could organise a present from us to auntie Mabel, Joe blow and sam. Max £20 from us, you might want to check with mum if she wants to join too. I was thinking mum might have other friends she could use some help ordering presents for, it’s the least you can do for her from so far away after all. Let me know when done and I’ll send money thanks F

Just cos

It's because you're a woman.

Tell him to do one.

Ha ha he’s a total CF. My ex is like that. Full expectation that he does no heavy lifting regarding any relationship.
If he’s not moving back, does he have a big house and space to move her in- in his long term thinking? There’s definitely an attitude from people who have moved abroad that they ‘can’t’ so someone else has to

I wonder if he meant to ask if you had any plans to move back that way but it came out wrong.

Just don't think about it any more. I'm sure your mum will be back to normal in no time; as you said, accidents happen and she isn't yet a frail old dear.

As a PP, I expect the golden child wants an effort-free way of solving DM's problem so he can continue his auric hue and protect his inheritance from care fees. God luck.

I wonder if someone's suggested something to him - eg 'isn't your sister helping your Mum?' because, for the majority of the population, that has been the default forever, the available female does the caring. In the past the youngest daughter stayed home to look after the oldies and didn't marry. Also, as the selfish golden child I'm not sure he would concern himself with your DM's problems otherwise.

Good that you nipped that suggestion in the bud.
Next time suggest DM moves nearer him so he can help, him being the favourite, though I'm sure he'd deny that was the case.
I think the golden child is often something to do with your DM's childhood. Was there a favoured youngest brother or something, a favourite uncle of hers, was she her DF's favourite?

He's a dick!

Can your mum move closer to you or your brother?

When my dad was terminally ill his neighbour (a part time care assistant with two kids) told me I needed to move down with my dad and care for him, even though I lived 3 hours drive away, had a young child, both me and DH worked full time, owned our home and would basically lose my career (scientist) and house if I left my job, She just didn't comprehend why I wouldn't and made me feel absolutely terrible!
My brother was single, consultant, but oh no, he couldn't possibly do it according to her 🙄

My brother suggested our dad move closer to us, which he didn't end up doing abd died about a year later - and that cow of a neighbour blamed me - literally dad just died and she was berating me - it was awful

In situations like this I think it is only fair to work out a list of what needs doing for your mum (if anything). So, say an elderly parent needs 10 things doing for them now or in the future or on a weekly basis.

Then you take the list and divide it equally amongst your siblings. So, for me I would be doing 1/3. I don't care if my siblings live in Australia. That is their problem and I won't be doing their share for them.

The "be nice to mum" thing is interesting. I wonder if your mum is slagging you off to the golden child.

I thought that too, @Aquamarine1029.

she isn’t elderly. Well, late 60’s wasn’t the last time l checked anyway!

This is the only point on which YABU, although MN defines elderly as over 350 YO so carry on.

If pointing out his stupidity hasn't worked, have you tried mockery? Text him with 'you need to eat more greens, ring at 10.30 his time to specifically check he's brushed his teeth and remind him not to discuss his detailed sexual proclivities with mum.

It is interesting that he asked you this.
In my family it would be because you are female.
My DM fell and broke her hip.
3 brothers live within an hour of her.
I live 8 hours away.
My DSIL slaved like a navvy cleaning DM home and I took leave from work to take her home from hospital .

An example is when my dad died then my mum claims it was partly my fault, he died of cancer so not sure how l had an influence on that

This bit is really concerning op

"Then you take the list and divide it equally amongst your siblings. So, for me I would be doing 1/3. I don't care if my siblings live in Australia. That is their problem and I won't be doing their share for them."

If your Parents can afford to pay a cleaner then fair enough. But in practice you can't do cleaning/shopping and meds from another country and services would be unwilling to phone another country (the time difference in AUS would make it unworkable) and would just hand it over to SS, if you wouldn't be a point of contact.

Both your Mum and DB sound like dicks

Well hes a No 1 CF for sure! What is it about families that even now in this age of equality that because you are a female you are expected to "step up" and do all the caring FFS? You did well to tell him to "jog on " as it were .Dont put up with any of this random shit from him"

OP, your brother situation is simple, just tell him to f*K off next time he tells you what to do or how to behave.. Your mother is a bit more interesting.. He blamed you for your father's death? Even considering grief it is not acceptable. Your brother texting you to say be nice to your mum is 100% based on her complaining to him...absolutely don't even entertain idea of giving up your life and moving back

Seems like mum is playing both ends against the middle here - sadly parents can be very manipulative...

@ineedaholidaynow

Have you thought about what will happen when your DM does become elderly? Not saying you have to move closer, but if the friend hadn’t been staying with her what would have happened to your DM this time?

Agree with this.

Your brother sounds like a bit of a prick and the whole dynamic slightly toxic, but there probably will come a time when your mother needs more support.

If you could persuade her to move somewhere assisted whilst she's still fit enough to integrate and be quite independent it could save you an enormous amount of pain and stress further down the road speaks from bitter experience

Well you are a woman, didn't anyone tell you that it is your job to care for aging relatives? Unpaid obviously.

I often wonder in cases like this what would happen, in regards to inheritance, if you were to move and give up your life.

Yes, everyone looks to the nearest female.

I'm amused that dmil put me down as a contact for her emergency call button, but not dh. I am going to ask my mum to put him down see what everyone thinks of that.

Your brother feels guilty and wants to avoid those feelings by being able to tell himself WhatKary is looking after mum.

Yes it's because you're female and also because you're nearer.

Sounds very fortunate that your mum's friend can be there for a bit.

How rude of your brother.His attitude stinks.I can see his thought processs ..mums getting older its womans work to take her in and give up everything to look after her...misogany at its best. Tell him where to go ...My brother would do the same as in expecting me to drop my life and commitments without him missing a beat in his own oh so exciting lifestyle. Makes me sick this attitude they have. I would suggest going forward you make your position very clear and I would open up a discussion on what would happen should your mum need care going into her advanced years then he will know exactly where to shove his over inflated ego.

Hi Op
I think your brother suggestion is a combination of factors/ things, such as in a lot of societies traditional expections is for women to take on Caring role in family,also he could possible feel guilty he is living so far,to help out,be there for mum,so is emotionally guilt triping you,in a manipulative way,using your gender, as convient excuse to do so.
Is often manipulative towards you under guise of being Concerned?

Also he wants to be seen as taking on the role of your Dad,such as the ( head of your family.
(I can't think of the name of this terminology for Male equivalent in society,expections that men should be a certain way to upheld traditional Gendar sexist attitudes/values..

Also as you have been designated as the family convient scapegoat any emotionally Arkward/difficult to handle feelings in your family, for e.g such as guilt, life is unfair victim mentality etc.
for e.g your mother blaming partly you for the misfortune of your family,losing your father prematurely, this is classic case of projection..
(Even through she knows how ridiculous this is.
(Does your mother often try to emotionally blackmail/guilt trip into thinking her way to help you?
Is she often manipulative in a sly,subtle way or mimnises/down plays or even gas lights your feelings in any way?
(Your mother sounds like she is /has Nasististic/possible other types of destructive Personality disorders tendancies,in play, just like "golden child" brother too.

You sound like you a strong,articulate emotionally itelligant,who has, wised up to your brother and mothers emotionally manipulative ways etc,(they sound very similar,too similar for comfort at Times I can amagine.
It must get a bit too much at times for you them being like that, no wonder you felt need to move so far away from them.