Person without kids judging parenting

[Piwlyfbicsly]

I and the person in question are both in our 30s. We are colleagues.
I find this person really difficult due to many reasons. However one of the worst is her judging parents constantly. It's not about big things like suspected abuse or neglect. It's about how calm, nice, achieving children equal to "well done, good parents" mindset and vice versa. I am a parent myself and I find it really challenging to listen to it. Every time there is a child she identifies as "naughty" or anything less than perfect, it means "something wrong with the parents". Everything is about "spoiling" for her, which I don't agree with. I find it difficult to accept judgments from a person who never had the experience of being a parent. I am in no way a perfect mother but isn't it obvious that children present with all the range of abilities, personalities and behaviour patterns, and not everything is down to parenting. Two of mine are absolutely different. She's never had one sleepless night due to baby crying, she has no idea whatsoever and I can't tolerate just another lunch break story of how she's done with all these parents, "what's wrong with them with doing XYZ". She had the audacity to comment on my parenting once when we bumped into each other in the local park and my DD didn't want to leave home and made a little fuss (Mummy, let's stay a little bit longer pleeeeeaaaaaasseeee etc). "You have got to be firm with her" I remember feeling my blood pressure going up. I don't know how I managed not to snap.

What is a polite way to stop this? I can try to avoid her, but what's the professionally appropriate way to let her know that she's crossing the line a bit here?
AIBU here? Too sensitive?

I have three kids. She probably has a point

If you don't want to snap at her, laugh and say "Yes, I was an expert at parenting too before I actually had children."

She probably wishes she had children. But yes agree with golden

I work with one of those.

One day she was particularly vitriolic about children in general and I actually spoke to my line manager about how inappropriate it was especially in an open plan office. I am really not sure who she thinks will be caring for her in her old age??? That those people will have to have been someone's children???

It's constant - they should be perfect little robots and it's all down to how crap all is parents are!!

I always try to ask her to consider to be more empathetic and that maybe (and I say maybe) there is a perfect way of parenting, but when sleep deprivation, stress, and personal circumstances of all sorts come into play... "perfect parenting" meets real life. And again, children are not all the same, they shouldn't be. She was once a child herself.

I miss my hypothetical children. They were so much easier to parent.

Do you both work with children, OP?

Just say ‘yeah , I was the perfect parent before kids’ and go about your business. Repeat at every opportunity!

There is nothing worse OP.

I know someone similar to this. Does work with kids in a professional capacity, so therefore clearly feels that the world can benefit from her 'expertise.' These days, I simply avoid.

What leads into the conversation? Are you/coworkers talking about your kids? Maybe she wants to join the conversation but is going around it the wrong way- and, in the nicest possible way, being childfree in an office full of parents can be draining if people constantly talk about their kids (not saying you do!). If it's just out of nowhere, I would just change the subject if possible, or ignore.

Agree with @TiptopJ. Let her cherish her delusions while she can. She'll look back and cringe one day.

I agree op! She knows nothing and should keep her beak out. Not qualified to comment.

I was judgy in my head before kids and now I have them I stand by my opinions!

Difference is I’m not and never have been so rude as to air them at work or in other inappropriate company.

She must be doing this pretty often - what is it that allows her to raise the subject? Do you work with children, or something else in the work environment child-related? Or is she just getting the judgeypants on from a standing start?

If there's no particular reason then I'd be inclined to ask her why she's so obsessed with the topic.

''Every time there is a child she identifies as "naughty" or anything less than perfect, it means "something wrong with the parents". ''

This is certainly probably not professionally appropriate, but I'd be tempted to ask her what she thought was wrong with HER parents for her to have turned out o be so judgemental? What lack was there in THEM, to have failed to instil tolerance, empathy and humanity in HER?

She probably has a point, in many cases.

I’d make a jokey comment about the best parents are the ones without kids etc. I used to make judgements about people’s parenting and then I had my own DD and realised I didn’t know what I was talking about and felt guilty for the judgement. Since having my DS I realised I know even less than I thought I did.

It’s annoying, isn’t it?

My bro & SIL were always very ‘linear thinkers’ and very sure of their opinions. I copped 8 years (+ 1 pregnant) of their childless advice over my DD’s whole life. They barely hid their scoffing at half the parenting decisions I made.

Now they have a feisty 2yo, the penny has certainly dropped for them. I’ve had 2 years of very different interactions, as they ring me begging for advice.

My theory is this: why child-rearing is so hard doesn’t come down to some secret special factor you only discover when your first kid is born. Almost all the smug proclamations from childfree people are based in truth- the importance of discipline/good eating habits/good sleeping habits/limiting screen time/consideration of other’s belongings and feelings, etc.

The problem is, when you’re a parent, you quickly realise you’ll have choose which ‘hills to die on’. All these ‘good habits’ you want to instil in the kids take soooooo much time and energy. So you have to choose. And some you have to ignore. Those ones plague you, because you wish you could have given that aspect attention as well. You feel guilty, you doubt yourself as a parent, punish yourself, you feel embarrassed. You get defensive. Usually some low level combination of all of these at once!

So the childfree people aren’t usually wrong, they just are focussing on one tree, while being oblivious to the endless forest stretching in all directions. And how tired and emotional parents get from the endless hiking through that forest!

@Wearywithteens
"Attempt" is a keyword here. Attempting to be consistent and to explain right from wrong. Most parents I know do just that. They try their best while some of them succeed a bit more due to having naturally calm/compliant children, some face children that are a bit more challenging. Through circumstances in the mix and... It is a process.
And didn't you feel the difference between being a nanny and having your own? It's much different to be dealing with other people's children.
And yes, @WitchesSpelleas, we both work with children. I think we both are capable of doing our work. I don't say childless people can't work with children in a professional capacity. I am saying they can't really see the bigger picture of how parenting your own children feels like "on practice".

@WhereYouLeftIt you so have a point!!

Honestly my colleague is the most opinionated, thick skinned, judgemental person I have ever encountered and then goes all "if anyone ever wants to talk, I'm always here" 😳

She probably wishes she had children

Never assume this. Especially when someone clearly can’t stand children.

I miss my hypothetical children. They were so much easier to parent.

This!

I knew someone like this! Hilarious. She once berated me for saying that if I ended up bringing my toddler to work at Christmas (because she didn’t understand why I needed to book annual leave when the nursery was closed) that she would be running around touching everything. Her comment was “You have to be stricter. Get her to sit in a corner and read.” Of course it’s easy to judge when you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

My hypothetical children were high achieving, perfectly obedient little cherubs