Is coupling up in year 7 now normal?

[notevenat20]

I expected to be too old to understand teenage relationships when my DC got there. But DS is in year 7 and has told me that lots of boys and girls in his year are coupling up as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then my friend with a DD in a girls school told me the same thing is happening there. As far as I know they are not actually doing anything physical but it seems so young! AIBU?

You really need to fix your thinking here.

I think you have interpreted what I wrote in a more negative way than was needed. No part of it suggests one form of sexuality is better than another.

@notevenat20

We would understand a 12-13yr old saying they fancy the opposite sex, have a crush on celebs or want to kiss that boy in year 8

I guess in my head I didn’t expect any of this to happen before you had your first period.

I was 10 when I started my period. Never fancied boys my age (until I was in sixth form), only celebs and sixth formers I think a lot of children feel pressured to be in a “relationship.” Usually they’re embarrassed to be seen together in public. I would advise you to have the safe sex talk with your DS and tell him not to bow down to peer pressure. This will probably make him less likely to lose his v too young. Most teens lie or exaggerate to their friends anyway.

I’m 52. No couples at my junior school. It was Catholic though, so probably had a bearing.

My youngest is 11. Zero mention of couples at his Year 6 either (not Catholic).

However he’s just started secondary, and still thinks girls are annoying, but has said several of his classmates have girlfriends.

My 13 year old in Year 9 went through a bi debacle earlier this year. Her best friend since Infant school and decided she was gay and the two of them became a couple. They never met up or spoke during the whole lockdown, and now don’t even text. They’re at different schools.

After a long country walk when I sensed my daughter wanted to resolve this, she opened up that she wasn’t gay, she just didn’t want to lose her best friend. She said that ‘lots’ of kids are gay or bi because it’s cool.

She does have one friend who is definitely gay, known him since little figured he would be later. But even he’s ‘decided to try being trans and if he doesn’t like it he’ll turn back’, said my daughter.

Someone said before on MN, being straight and white in school these days is highly not cool.

*I think it's totally dependent though
I went to a "nice" school and there was lots of dating, under age sexual activity etc.

However my partner was completely innocent and seemed to have missed all that till much older.*

Yes you’re right not all teens are dating and having sex. I’m the same as your partner. I liked boys at school but didn’t have a boyfriend - or sex - until I was about 20.

We would say we were bf and gf at that age, but it was pretty meaningless.

Odd you said that about periods though as I’d think most would have started by or during yr7, obviously a few not. But I don’t think it’s necessarily relevant. Kids start looking at each other from a young age, but also they’re coping adults and wanting to be grown up by saying they are a couple.

I agree “coupled up” is awful.

@notevenat20

You really need to fix your thinking here.

I think you have interpreted what I wrote in a more negative way than was needed. No part of it suggests one form of sexuality is better than another.

No, it just suggests that children aren't capable of knowing their own sexuality, which is a very damaging stance. It runs the risk of invalidating what can be a complex and stressful experience, painting it as just a phase, rather than supporting them.

As an adult who was a child with parents (not homophobic) who took the exact same stance as you did when i came out to them, i can tell you it was upsetting and damaging and that my relationship with them took a long time to recover.

It was at my schools since year 5 in the early 00s.

That's a little unfair. Choosing a school is a fraught business and the single sex school might just be a lot better. Also, learning about the opposite sex is not always a good thing. I good friends DD was assaulted by boys the first day she sent to her comp and is damaged for life.

Yes there are loads of things to consider when choosing a school and I guess what I'm saying is if the schools are more of less the same, then I'd choose co-ed. Sorry to hear what happened to your friends DD, that's awful.

It's definitely a thing at my DS's school. He 'went out' with a girl on and off during Y6, although as far as I know they never actually spoke to each other and he hid when he saw her in the park once, but lots of people were in couples by Y7 and several of his friendship group have been through a gay/bi//trans/nonbinary phase (one of their friends has gone from male to female and back again twice). My DS is still terrified of girls and pretty disinterested in the whole thing - in his own words, 'If I had a girlfriend, I'd probably forget to talk to her...'

@notevenat20

Kids are coming out much younger now for sure. My DD's had multiple friends who were out by 13/14 and several declared they were trans by 15 (not all proceeded, some reverted to birth sex)

Yes I do hear this a lot. My personal view is that you shouldn't decide forever what your sexuality is until you are in your early 20s (if you are going to fix it at all). I would regard everything before then as experimenting.

This is a bit weird. I knew definitively that I was Bi at around 15/16. Not early 20s!

I think most people know their sexuality before they leave school.

Yes it's totally normal. I'm 35 and when I was in year 7 it was all about who was going out with who and who had kissed someone and who was 'stiff' (i.e. hadn't) it's sounds scarily young but it was all very innocent, especially for the boys who weren't really in to it as much as the girls!

This is a bit weird. I knew definitively that I was Bi at around 15/16. Not early 20s! I think most people know their sexuality before they leave school.

Yes I agree. I just meant that teenagers shouldn't worry that they are making a commitment for life and should feel free to experiment.

'If I had a girlfriend, I'd probably forget to talk to her...'

It doesn't always change when you get older!

No, it just suggests that children aren't capable of knowing their own sexuality, which is a very damaging stance. It runs the risk of invalidating what can be a complex and stressful experience, painting it as just a phase, rather than supporting them.

I get what you are saying and can see there are two perspectives. I am worried that teenagers might feel they have made a choice and can never get out of it and you are worried that their choices are not being taken seriously.

having boyfriends and girlfriends at that age is completely normal. Im pretty sure it was normal back when i was at school in the 80s too.

its also normal not to. They arent all doing it

My sister had a boyfriend at 7! It was really just a friendship but they were called boyfriend and girlfriend by others in their class. This is 40 years ago. By 10/11 quite a lot of kids were officially "boyfriend and girlfriend" but again not doing much, it was more play-acting the drama, than sexual.

I now have kids that age and older and there seems to be less of it now than when I was that age - but that could be just my kids (DD swears she is never having sex at all ever or even snogging anyone :o). Or it could be that my school growing up was rough as fuck and my kids' schools are in a naice area. I knew people who were having sex at 12 and several girls at my school were pregnant at 14/15.

Year 6 residential school trip was the beginning of this, in my experience, which was the 80s (wasn’t even called year 6 then, 4th year juniors!)

It was probably another 4 years before anyone in my friendship group actually wanted to spend time alone with their ‘boyfriend’, mind you!

Oh so true about the school trip. I remember one at age 11 ish where there was soooo much drama and upset about girlfriends and boyfriends dumping each other and "cheating" etc.

@notevenat20

No, it just suggests that children aren't capable of knowing their own sexuality, which is a very damaging stance. It runs the risk of invalidating what can be a complex and stressful experience, painting it as just a phase, rather than supporting them.

I get what you are saying and can see there are two perspectives. I am worried that teenagers might feel they have made a choice and can never get out of it and you are worried that their choices are not being taken seriously.

It's not a fucking choice!

I had a 'boyfriend' when I was 6. Our plan was to get married and have seven children while he became an inventor and I stayed home and looked after them.

Seriously though OP, 'boyfriend and girlfriend' can mean very little at this age. It can just be a sort of agreement between kids that think they might like each other. Very very normal in year seven. Unfortunately it can actually mean a lot more. There were kids in my ordinary Welsh high school who were sexually active at 14. Not the majority but it definitely happened. I'd just have a conversation with your dc making it clear that

• the legal age of consent is 16
• what kids say they are doing and what they are actually doing are usually very different
• anyone pressuring them to do anything they aren't ready for should be dealt with by the school and parents.

Wow that's a lot of homophobia. If they're really as young and immature as you think in year 7 then surely you won't have to be worrying about what their sexual orientation is? Not that it's anything to worry about, but you seem the type that is panicking, thinking you child is going to catch 'the gayness'. Your kids will be fine if you stop thinking they'll choose who they love or that their identity and orientation has anything to do with you and your ancient ways of thinking. My brother was 6 when he had his first 'boyfriend' and 30 years on he has a husband so yes, some children really do know which way they 'swing'. Worry about the bigger things like if they'll be happy or if you can find it in your crusty old hearts to love and support them even if you think they've made a bad choice. Good grief

@barmyfarmy reading your post made me feel so much better, consider yourself invited over for coffee and a mince pie.

It's not a fucking choice!

This is probably the wrong place to discuss it but I slightly disagree. i have a friend who was happily married and had children. She eventually came out as gay after decades. She had just chosen to live a heterosexual life up until then (for all sorts of reasons you can imagine).

I have another friend who has always been bi but chose to live a heterosexual life and says she is perfectly happy with it. People make choices, not always good ones of course.

It was a thing when i was a kid (I'm 43) and still is now. DD (Y8) says a lot of boys at leats claim to have an online 'girlfriend'. She herself has a girlfriend but given this relationship developed during lockdown they've just been able to send messages and hang out in the park - it's all frightfully innocent.

@notevenat20

It's not a fucking choice!

This is probably the wrong place to discuss it but I slightly disagree. i have a friend who was happily married and had children. She eventually came out as gay after decades. She had just chosen to live a heterosexual life up until then (for all sorts of reasons you can imagine).

I have another friend who has always been bi but chose to live a heterosexual life and says she is perfectly happy with it. People make choices, not always good ones of course.

Oh my fucking god.

Your friend is gay. She didn't choose to be gay, she just chose not to act on it.

And your bi friend is still bi even if she's married to a man!! Being bi means being attracted to men and women! She didn't suddenly become straight when she met her partner.

You can't choose your sexuality. It just is. Some people choose to be with people who don't fit their sexuality, for a number of reasons, but that doesn't make them straight.

You are offensively ignorant on this, I'm sorry to say, and you seem to be completely averse to any feedback on the matter.