Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else dislike Christmas virtue signaling?

257 replies

Twigaletta · 09/12/2020 18:00

It reminds me of that Fast Show sketch, 'I don't like to talk about my charity work' etc. And then proceed to boast about their efforts.

Examples I've seen this week include staged photos of charity shoe boxes, pleas for funds to 'top up' (and in reality actually fund) some boxes for animals and someone saying they wanted to do something but just needing x, y and z, which in effect meant they supplied the empty box and the wrapping paper with everyone else supplying the contents. Lots of people have 'fallen' for these pleas.

I'm not going to rattle off everything I've done for charity this year because that would be hugely hypocritical. I just get an urgh feeling when I see the virtue signaling on social media.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/12/2020 21:36

Aside from the fact that cards are an environmental waste and do nothing but make the place look untidy, I still struggle at Christmas without my beloved mum and aunt. These two women made our childhood Christmases special despite very difficult home circumstances. They both died prematurely, of the same medical condition, within two years of each other. I'm still nowhere near coming to terms with their loss.

The charity researching a cure for the disease that killed them is, needless to say, very dear to my heart. I donate in place of card-sending. I do it in their memory and hopefully to one day spare others the same fate. And If I want to let my social media followers know what I've done, why, and, who knows?, possibly inspire some of them to do to the same, I damned well will.

No one's forcing anyone to follow me, and if those who do follow me take as uncharitable and unempathetic a stance as you do, OP, I'd rather they pissed off TYVM.

Spiderbaby8 · 09/12/2020 21:40

I don't like bragging, but lots of charities especially small ones benefit from publicity and if you have a lot of followers it kind of makes sense to share sometimes.

Youseethethingis · 09/12/2020 21:41

We did a “not buying stillborn son Christmas presents as planned so have donated the money to cash for kids mission Christmas, here’s a link if you’d like to join us in DS memory” Facebook thing.
Not sorry.

OhCaptain · 09/12/2020 21:45

@Youseethethingis

We did a “not buying stillborn son Christmas presents as planned so have donated the money to cash for kids mission Christmas, here’s a link if you’d like to join us in DS memory” Facebook thing. Not sorry.
You've no reason to be sorry.

The competitive cuntiness on here is ridiculous.

Flowers for you.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 09/12/2020 21:48

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I cant stand people who announce on social media "We have decided not to do cards this Christmas, but have donated a sum to [insert charity] instead"

Ahhhh here we go again.

Every fucking year I get moaned at for not sending cards, in fact quite a few people I know do.

We don't send cards out because, as bereaved parents, we don't wish to write cards out for Christmas and miss our kids names off them. It feels awful. We can't include our kids names for obvious reasons.

Some people choose to announce it on their social media to save getting moaned at and make a donation to charity, some don't donate and some just take getting digs aimed at them and quietly make a donation.

The insistence every fucking year that it is down to laziness is, quite frankly, insulting, and small minded.

People quite often have valid reasons that you aren't privvy to, and if they chose to donate and tell people there are often reasons for that too.

Sorry for your loss. Hideous for you especially thus time of year.. Can I point out the publicising the donation to charity not the “ we won’t be sending cards this year”.
Why aren’t people just honest. Just dob’t say anything, no one gives a flying fuck if they don’t get a card. No one cares if you keep the money or give it to charity.
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/12/2020 21:48

I do agree about cards. Saying postage is just too expensive now is one thing, but piously saying you’re saving the planet, and/or giving the money to charity instead, is quite another. If you just can’t be arsed to write them - we all know it can feel like just another chore - please be honest enough to say so.

RosesforMama · 09/12/2020 21:50

No one has suggested that all mention of a charity close to someone's heart is virtue signalling.

I accept that many people dislike the term virtue signalling but by those who use it, it's used to mean people who do "good deeds" purely to seek affirmation from others, and for their own gratification. Raising money or giving money to a charity for personal reasons is completely not "virtue signalling".

LadyJaye · 09/12/2020 21:50

Yes, it annoys me enormously.

I am no longer of faith, but I come from a religious background that espouses tithing - contributing 10% of your income to charity - and I continue to do that, all year round.

I also enjoy buying and writing cards, so I do that, too.

If you don't want to send cards, fine, but you don't - and, IMO, shouldn't - feel the need to tell the world why you're bunging a random charity £20 as a get-out clause.

OhCaptain · 09/12/2020 21:51

Why the assumption that everyone who says they're being environmentally conscious and/or donating the money is lying? Hmm

toconclude · 09/12/2020 21:53

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Just give to charity, don’t brag about it on SM or ask others for money if you want to run a marathon or sky dive etc.

Hate the card thing too, although it’s not as bad as buying goats, water etc and dressing it up as a gift. Rarely anything to do with the receiver of the gift and the person likely hasn’t donated their own presents.

My best friend and sister in law love a quirky charity gift,as do I. We are all around 60 have enough stuff already
Peppafrig · 09/12/2020 21:54

I love those who claim they are not sending cards for environmental reasons are also the ones with piles of plastic tat on Christmas morning .

Spiderbaby8 · 09/12/2020 21:56

@OhCaptain

Why the assumption that everyone who says they're being environmentally conscious and/or donating the money is lying? Hmm
Some people only want to see the worst in others
Original poster
Twigaletta · 09/12/2020 21:56

@donquixotedelamancha

It reminds me of that Fast Show sketch, 'I don't like to talk about my charity work' etc. And then proceed to boast about their efforts*

Filling a charity Christmas box, OP, is....very much like making love to a beautiful woman:

  • Choose carefully. A small package in a large box gives non-one pleasure but trying to force an overlarge package into a small box is even worse.
  • Take your time and don't become over excited. Spillage of liquids will ruin your experience.
  • It's all about giving pleasure to a child no wait, not that.
  • Never regift- nobody likes receiving a package which has just been played with by someone else.
That did make me laugh.

The friends I have that do the 'no Christmas cards we're donating' annoy me because it's actually possible to do both! I exclusively buy my Christmas cards from charity shops (rather than e.g. supermarket 'charity' cards where 10% only goes to charity). So 100% of my money goes to charity AND people I care about know I care about them. I understand Christmas is a difficult time for some people and I have no issues with not receiving cards. It's the showy way people go about it which is intended to make them feel morally superior and ergo everyone else inferior.

I also agree with the altruism point. No act is truly altruistic because of the pleasure/avoidance of guilt the actor feels.

OP posts:
dumdumdummer · 09/12/2020 21:57

I like Christmas cards, they make me feel festive .. sadly I don't seem to get many. I think it's really thoughtful, but people are quite self absorbed these days.

I'm pretty sure I know a couple of people who certainly don't donate anything to charity, when they say they are regarding the Christmas cards.

toconclude · 09/12/2020 21:58

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

I do agree about cards. Saying postage is just too expensive now is one thing, but piously saying you’re saving the planet, and/or giving the money to charity instead, is quite another. If you just can’t be arsed to write them - we all know it can feel like just another chore - please be honest enough to say so.
And if that's not in fact the reason, if in fact one does think it's wasteful, it is DIShonest to say it's to avoid effort. Not everyone thinks about things the same way,something several people here seem to have a serious problem understanding
HappyDays10101 · 09/12/2020 21:58

I'm not going to rattle off everything I've done for charity this year

How is telling us that you’ve done so much for charity this year that you would have to ‘rattle it off’ (presumably as there’s so much - you’d have to speak that quick to cover it all) relevant?

As it’s not relevant, are you not virtue signalling yourself?

Furries · 09/12/2020 21:59

@MoMuntervary

Nobody likes smug virtue signalling, but humans being human we are actually influenced by what we see others doing. Charities generally encourage people to share on social media as it's free advertising for the charity and it encourages others to do the same. Showing that charitable giving is a normal thing that most people do is not a bad thing.(I'm a total hypocrite here as I never post on Facebook etc or share charity campaigns as I'm an antisocial cowbag Grin)
Only got as far as your post, but this sums it up for me! I couldn’t give a stuff behind the truths or fakery posted on FB, hence why I’m hardly on there. But, if each post (true or not) about donations prompts only one person, then that’s free publicity for a charity. I can’t get worked up by that.

Think a pp said they don’t like people posting rubbish they’ve picked up. I definitely have no problem with this one. And I’m grateful to them for taking the time (I’m unable to go rambling through my local countryside). I definitely think people should be reminded of how much crap gets littered everywhere. The idiots who litter might not take much notice, but i still think it might prompt others to do the same. I live in a country village - the council can’t be expected to clear litter from all public footpaths etc (yes, I know we all pay council tax). So, reminders of the state of litter everywhere is absolutely fine by me.

The one thing I am not comfortable with, as a pp said, is those doing something “kind” for the homeless etc who then video that act/person - it doesn’t sit right with me. The comments are usually a whole heap of praise for the person carrying out the act and nothing asking about “how/where can I help with this kind of thing”.

Social media is both a blessing and a curse. I try to not get riled up by the crap it encourages in people. Life really is to short to let “X” affect you by perfect insta posts, virtue signalling etc - as long as I’m comfortable with what me and those closest to me are doing, then all the other stuff becomes white noise.

However, if anyone wants to not send cards this year and would like to donate to my cocktail account then please do let me know!

Leflic · 09/12/2020 22:00

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Aside from the fact that cards are an environmental waste and do nothing but make the place look untidy, I still struggle at Christmas without my beloved mum and aunt. These two women made our childhood Christmases special despite very difficult home circumstances. They both died prematurely, of the same medical condition, within two years of each other. I'm still nowhere near coming to terms with their loss.

The charity researching a cure for the disease that killed them is, needless to say, very dear to my heart. I donate in place of card-sending. I do it in their memory and hopefully to one day spare others the same fate. And If I want to let my social media followers know what I've done, why, and, who knows?, possibly inspire some of them to do to the same, I damned well will.

No one's forcing anyone to follow me, and if those who do follow me take as uncharitable and unempathetic a stance as you do, OP, I'd rather they pissed off TYVM.

But everyone you would have sent a card to would understand your motivation Surrey. You have suffered a terrible loss.

However the impact of sending cards is immeasurable to the receiver. They enjoy seeing what card you chose, reading your message and know that you spent time money and effort on them. ( obviously not those on mumsnet that view cards as uncoordinated crap). If you aren’t able to send cards for those reasons it’s fine. People aren’t interested in what else you spent the card money on though. Just call it a Christmas charity donation and suggest others donate.

OhCaptain · 09/12/2020 22:01

@Peppafrig

I love those who claim they are not sending cards for environmental reasons are also the ones with piles of plastic tat on Christmas morning .
You think every single person on the planet who doesn't send cards for environmental reasons has piles of plastic tat?
Original poster
Twigaletta · 09/12/2020 22:05

I enjoy receiving cards so I can turn them into gift tags for the next year. DH recycled them one year and I was stunned at how expensive they are to buy Grin

OP posts:
Leflic · 09/12/2020 22:08

And if that's not in fact the reason, if in fact one does think it's wasteful, it is DIShonest to say it's to avoid effort. Not everyone thinks about things the same way,something several people here seem to have a serious problem understanding

Ok, say you aren’t sending cards because it’s wasteful. Just don’t post stuff on social media that show you being wasteful in other ways ( especially other ways that benefit no one but you)

Cards are an effort and relatively expensive, hence why they are worth more than a twatty online Christmas message.

Frenchdressing · 09/12/2020 22:08

@user1487194234

I cant stand people who announce on social media "We have decided not to do cards this Christmas, but have donated a sum to [insert charity] instead This annoys me too
Well I do that 😆 Just so people know not to expect a card. And I do actually do the donation!
TheWichitaWineOne · 09/12/2020 22:09

The competitive cuntiness on here is ridiculous

Yep. Although tbf I might just copy and paste this comment onto every thread I've read tonight.

CantSayJack · 09/12/2020 22:10

This really gets my backup, charitable acts should be done out of kindness and keep quiet about it. Anyone who boasts is fake and probably not charitable, in fact the opposite.

D4rwin · 09/12/2020 22:13

I'd rather everyone donated to charity rather than sent some empty sentiment to clutter up the recycling in the name of a bullshit oppressive faith. Christmas cards are all round tasteless to me. But don't let people having their own take on 'the right thing' mean you have to get off that high horse of yours.