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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with this kid?

381 replies

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:20

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

OP posts:
Arthersleep · 08/12/2020 19:22

I think that @user686833 makes a very valid point about this being intolerable in an office. I often think that we don't take children's complaints as seriously as adults. I think that it's really important that it is taken seriously because children have very little control and are essentially trapped in such situations. The boy could do with a humiliating lecture on the myths surrounding female genetalia, preferably by a middle aged female teacher! He's clearly very immature. I would say this though, bullies often bully because they are unhappy/struggling to fit in, often due to circumstances at home. Out of my class at school, the three worst bullies are now all drug addicted low lives behind bars. I wish that I could have foreseen that as a child and been told that bullying is often a front for inadequacies. It would have removed some of their kudos.

HaggieMaggie · 08/12/2020 19:25

@JillofTrades

Little bastard he is. I would get yout two older boys and some of their friends to pay him a visit after school.
me too, that's what big brothers are for. watch him wet his pants in front of his mates evil little twat
Denthelp · 08/12/2020 19:27

@youvegottenminuteslynn I’m not sure why you keep tagging me. I have read the OP so you don’t need to keep on quoting it.

I am entitled to my opinion and it doesn’t need to match yours.

Branleuse · 08/12/2020 19:28

i think id call the school and complain. If the kid ramped up the bullying, then you complain again. If it gets worse then your sons can get involved

MerchantOfVenom · 08/12/2020 19:29

They don’t need to pay a visit. They just need to collect DD from school and make the little shit know they exist.

Somehow it’s OK for the nasty bully to be cruel and intimidating, but give him a mere hint of a taste of his own medicine, and that’s unacceptable.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 08/12/2020 19:30

She's 12 I would have been on the phone to the school ages ago (and have done a couple of times. Think I'm one of those mums 🙈 no one makes my darlings feel like shit the same as they dared not be cruel to others).

IHateCoronavirus · 08/12/2020 19:31

Your poor DD op. I hope tomorrow goes well for you both and this little gob shite gets hauled across the coals for the humiliation he has pushed on your lovely girl.

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 19:32

boys will be boys banter

It’s rife in schools. I actually think more so now than it was 10 years ago. There seems to be a particularly toxic way of interacting that some groups of boys have at the moment. It’s like a mix of football hooligan and internet MRA.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2020 19:37

I would be doing both, straight into school for a word with the tutor/head of year, and separately a visit to his house for a word with his parents.

Fucking disgusting. Kids should never be allowed to get away with this sort of rubbish.

I know it's not the answer but sometimes I do think what's lacking could be the old fashioned answer. Eg the older brother waiting by the school gate, grabbing the kid by the jumper and explaining that if the bullying doesnt end they will answer to someone their own size.

My big sister & her mates did just that for me when I was at school and it worked very effectively with no loss of "street cred" for me.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/12/2020 19:38

@HallieKnight

And your daughter has asked you to leave it so you should respect that. If the boy starts actually doing anything then obviously that's when you need to step in.
Are you hard of thinking?
CandyLeBonBon · 08/12/2020 19:39

@Denthelp

Also, I’d be wary in going against your daughters wishes and speaking to the school when she has asked you not to. You will find she won’t come to you when she has other, more serious issues as you won’t be able to be trusted.
Bollocks
Wellpark · 08/12/2020 19:39

Set your two boys on him. It's all bullies understand. My youngest was being bullied by a nasty piece of work. My oldest got hold of him at the local shops and scared the shit out of him. Didn't need to put a finger on him. Just verbal. All of the bullies mates walked away when my lad told them to eff off. Left the bully on on his own. He was a coward who thought he could bully a lad who was more sensitive. Well he was wrong. I don't regret telling my lad to stick up for his brother. And what is more I was a head of year in a different school at the time. I know how ineffectual schools can be at dealing with bullying. I had given my boy's school chances to deal with it. The bully had been kept in for one breaktime and given chocolate (I kid you not). I have no regrets and I accompanied my older boy when he confronted the bully. I told the little fucker that if he so much as looked at my youngest the wrong way I would rip his fucking head off. Like I say, no regrets. I hate bullies.

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 19:42

Set your two boys on him. It's all bullies understand

This is a really terrible idea. If “it’s all bullies understand” then reinforcing the idea that bullying works is total bullshit.
It isn’t all they understand- and it’s up to the grown ups to put in strong, immovable boundaries- repeatedly.

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 19:46

@SmileEachDay

Set your two boys on him. It's all bullies understand

This is a really terrible idea. If “it’s all bullies understand” then reinforcing the idea that bullying works is total bullshit.
It isn’t all they understand- and it’s up to the grown ups to put in strong, immovable boundaries- repeatedly.

Don’t worry. I’m sure they were only joking.
MerchantOfVenom · 08/12/2020 19:46

It isn’t all they understand- and it’s up to the grown ups to put in strong, immovable boundaries- repeatedly.

To be fair to Wellpark - clearly that didn’t work. It clearly often doesn’t.

Benjispruce2 · 08/12/2020 19:47

It IS bullying. Email the school.

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 08/12/2020 19:48

My DD started the conversation with me in that kind of "I'm only telling you, I don't want you to do anything coz you'll make it worse" way when she told me a girl at school (who had been being unkind already) shouted in the playground that DD was a "fucking mong" and a "retard" and loads of children laughed. (DD has a physical disability)

Eventually her anger got stronger than the embarrassment and shame was feeling and we actually reported the incident to the police who (rightly) registered it as a hate crime. We took the crime reference number into school and the girl got a suspension. This isn't a hurrah everyone clapped and lived happily ever after (for example the girls fucking mother came round to my house Hmm) but the important bit is that now DD is older (old enough to have children herself!) she is so glad she actually took action. I'm glad I helped her to take the action in the first place. It gave her so much more confidence and a feeling of "back up" so she could deal with similar situations in the future.

I'm sure it will be the case for your DD too, you are really doing the right thing.

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 19:48

@CandyLeBonBon it’s not rubbish. Do you understand how trust works?

Wellpark · 08/12/2020 19:48

I doubt you two have ever had a child who has been bullied.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2020 19:49

it’s up to the grown ups to put in strong, immovable boundaries- repeatedly.

If this bloody worked we would have as many antisocial adults as we have. Hell we wouldnt need the criminal justice system at all Hmm.

MerchantOfVenom · 08/12/2020 19:49

[quote Denthelp]@CandyLeBonBon it’s not rubbish. Do you understand how trust works?[/quote]
The OP’s DD is just fine with her taking it to the school.

Wellpark · 08/12/2020 19:50

That's for denthehelp and smileseachday

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2020 19:50

Wellpark - the school didnt manage to sort my bullies either. My big sister didnt need to lay a finger on either. Just "had a word".

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 19:51

I doubt you two have ever had a child who has been bullied

Did you mean me?

Haworthia · 08/12/2020 19:53

Right now you're teaching her to ignore men abusing women because it's just one thing and you might make it worse by rocking the boat. You need to be teaching her that one thing so too many and you fight her corner. Now.

Reposting this from page one.

ALL girls are conditioned to accept all sorts of shitty from males for fear of making the situation worse by complaining (and by “worse” we usually mean violence). Don’t speak up! Then he’ll get really angry!

Fuck that. Stand up for your child and teach her that she doesn’t have to accept abuse from a boy ever.

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