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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with this kid?

381 replies

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:20

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

OP posts:
Haworthia · 08/12/2020 19:53
  • shitty behaviour
SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 19:53

If this bloody worked we would have as many antisocial adults as we have. Hell we wouldnt need the criminal justice system at all

Mm..actually, the criminal justice system is packed with people who have lacked consistent boundaries and secure attachments- I only wish we could get this right!

Wellpark · 08/12/2020 19:55

Just to conclude, my youngest is in his twenties now. He's achieved a first class honours degree and a master's where he won the academics' prize for coming first on the course. He's lived and worked in the US and travelled extensively. He is now working in a professional career. On the other hand, the bully still lives in his shit part of town and does not work, preferring to spend his days smoking weed and fathering poor little infants.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 19:58

I wonder if he had heard his father saying that to his mother and thought it would be fun to say that to your daughter because he likes her ??

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 19:59

@MerchantOfVenom OP only said she had asked her DD for approval after I had made that comment.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 08/12/2020 20:03

Is it the MRAs day out? The victim blaming and misogyny on this thread is off the charts. Hmm
OP I'm glad you've spoken to the HOY and that they're calling you back. They might tell you if they've contacted the other parents. We had an issue with bullying and HOY called me to tell me about an incident and that she'd spoken to the child's parents to tell them it wasn't acceptable and wouldn't be tolerated. I hope you get a good outcome for your DD Flowers

RayOfSunshine2013 · 08/12/2020 20:03

Getting involved with the school could make it worse for your DD. I would be mortified if my mum had gone to school about some of the things people said to me in school.. but kids are awful and it usually sorts itself out, there will always be someone they pick on, she needs to just stand up for herself else they’ll use her as an easy target.

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 20:04

Just to conclude, my youngest is in his twenties now. He's achieved a first class honours degree and a master's where he won the academics' prize for coming first on the course. He's lived and worked in the US and travelled extensively. He is now working in a professional career.
This is great. Well done him - and you! He’s lucky he has a supportive parent.

On the other hand, the bully still lives in his shit part of town and does not work, preferring to spend his days smoking weed and fathering poor little infants
This young person clearly didn’t luck out with who his parents were. It’s a tragedy when history repeats. Breaking that cycle is the key.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/12/2020 20:06

Smileeachday

Yeah but some of them are also just arseholes who think the world owes them something.

The girls who bullied me, who my sister had a word with, they left me alone after that. They grew up a little bit, and one of them apologised to me a few years later. They ended up functioning adults in good jobs.

They were kids who just needing knocking down a peg, and at that age, a teacher trying to do it doesnt always have as much influence as an older, cooler teenager does.

Theres a reason people are saying send your lads and not do it yourself or send your DH.

Because actually adolescents often take a message better from a slightly older teen.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 08/12/2020 20:07

When my ds 12 was being bullied and actually assaulted on the school bus, school did nothing.. Ds made sure it didn't happen again. Didn't touch the lad but scared the shit out of him in front of his mates.
Bullying stopped.. Funny how school managed to ring me bloody quickly then. Told them not to dare be ringing about ds... They sharp stfu when I said ds was doing their job....

CandyLeBonBon · 08/12/2020 20:08

[quote Denthelp]@CandyLeBonBon it’s not rubbish. Do you understand how trust works?[/quote]
Yes thanks. I suggest you read the Op's update properly this time and wind your neck in.

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 20:10

Yeah but some of them are also just arseholes who think the world owes them something

At 12 - the ones who are testing the boundaries are easily knocked back.
Any “serious” bully at 12 has a wider context.

A robust response (see my earlier post) from the school invariably shows which is which. The ones with parents who are horrified their kid said the thing and the ones who are..meh...

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/12/2020 20:11

@copperoliver

Tell her to say to him, I buy a perfume that smells of fish so horrible little cunts like you don't sit next to me, but the thing is I can stop using the perfume if I wish but you will always be a very ugly nasty little cunt and no matter what you do you will always be fucking ugly inside and out. X
Oh for heaven's sake!

Who wants their daughter to be speaking to anyone like this - it's disgusting, and it will only escalate matters as he will use similar language back to her. And then she can hardly complain when she's used it first.

Get in touch with the school OP if you haven't already.

Superhumancrew · 08/12/2020 20:12

I can't believe the amount of people saying talk to the school!! Really? That's going to get her way more of a hard time than she's getting now. The school are powerless when it comes to these things. Sorry to say it, I wish it wasn't true, but *snitching" or whatever they call it does actually cause more problems. In an ideal world talking to the school would nip it in the bud, but realistically, and in my experience, it just esculates it!!

I feel for your dd op, I really do, but please listen to her wishes about what to do about it, because I'd hate for you to make it worse for her.

Try to build her confidence so she can just shrug off his dumb comments. Ignoring it, and rising ubove it, rather than giving it attention, is the most effective way to get him to stop. He's most likely doing it to get attention in the first place.

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 08/12/2020 20:13

God some of these replies are fucking woefully depressing.

SmileEachDay · 08/12/2020 20:15

The school are powerless when it comes to these things

No, they aren’t.

There is definitely variability in how schools respond, but they are not powerless- and schools should be challenged if they’re not dealing with it.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/12/2020 20:16

[quote Denthelp]@CandyLeBonBon you quoted a post of mine before the OPs update. So I think it’s you that needs to wind their neck in. Moron.[/quote]
Well aren't you just a peach!

Icedforestberries · 08/12/2020 20:18

OP just want to say you're doing a great job, glad you went to HOY. It's not ok for ANY girl to put up with this.

Ginger1982 · 08/12/2020 20:18

I was bullied for almost 2 years by 2 older girls who followed me around my school calling me fat. My dad was terminally ill at the time and I was terrified to tell my mum. Shortly after he died, I finally worked up the courage. She went straight to the school, despite me being anxious about it and it got sorted straight away. Schools can and do sort things.

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 20:18

@Superhumancrew

I can't believe the amount of people saying talk to the school!! Really? That's going to get her way more of a hard time than she's getting now. The school are powerless when it comes to these things. Sorry to say it, I wish it wasn't true, but *snitching" or whatever they call it does actually cause more problems. In an ideal world talking to the school would nip it in the bud, but realistically, and in my experience, it just esculates it!!

I feel for your dd op, I really do, but please listen to her wishes about what to do about it, because I'd hate for you to make it worse for her.

Try to build her confidence so she can just shrug off his dumb comments. Ignoring it, and rising ubove it, rather than giving it attention, is the most effective way to get him to stop. He's most likely doing it to get attention in the first place.

The trouble is it's not just his comments any more. His friends are now involved too so about 5 boys are now being spiteful to her in nearly all her classes. We are working on her confidence and she is practising some sassy, confident comebacks, but these kids need stopping. I've made it clear she's afraid of repercussions, the school need to detail to me how they're going to deal with this without harming her further.
OP posts:
Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 20:21

candy I really wouldn't bother trying to engage with denthelp, it's like wading through treacle Grin

OP posts:
TheCrowsHaveEyes · 08/12/2020 20:21

There are definitely posters on this thread who are invested in teaching girls to put up with sexist bullying; in teaching them that boys shouldn't ever be pulled up by authoriy; and, even more depressingly, that an abusive male is somehow desirable and the abuse means he likes you. ffs it's like the 1950s

sohypnotic · 08/12/2020 20:23

Well done for contacting school - definitely the right move. I teach secondary and bullying like this rarely just stops, and it's very likely he's doing it to others. Tell them it has already progressed from just him making comments, to him inciting others. Mention that he is discriminating against your DD and his behaviour verges on sexual harassment - that should make them take it seriously. Ask them to update you on what steps have been taken to protect your DD before the end of the week.

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 20:24

@CandyLeBonBon about as peachy as you. Bet you, quite rightly, feel very silly now.

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