To be so pissed off with this kid?

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

@Mydogmylife what is it of my posts you despair of?

It emphatically is bullying, and it makes me incandescent with rage. You must deal with it. And actually, in my opinion, it's not helped by all the fucking adverts exhorting women to keep their vaginas smelling of roses, and fuck-all telling men to be a bit more scrupulous about washing their cheesy dicks. Infuriating.

I used to get this off the class bitch too. It absolutely is bullying. Just because it's not physical doesn't mean the damage isn't significant. People saying it isn't bullying probably have horrible little specimens like this boy if you're teaching your kids that.

Glad you have contacted the school op.

[quote Denthelp]@Mydogmylife what is it of my posts you despair of?[/quote]
I would imagine it's their entire contents

Sorry this is happening OP. Hopefully the school will find a way to resolve it.

How old are your boys? You say you they are much older so twenties? I wouldn't let them get involved, even if they are in their teens. If they have a word/beat up this boy like some are suggesting, then the school could quite well turn around and say this is intimidating and bullying behaviour as well. Let the school deal with it.

Go to the school. Where I am his parents would get called in, he'd be given a warning and then a three-day suspension if it happened again. It's clearly bullying.

OP I'm a secondary school teacher and you've done exactly the right thing. We want to know what's going on, and we want to help. This child could be on the verge of a temp exclusion and this could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I have reported a PP who was criticising you, this particular poster is one of the most unhelpful people on MN and needs a ban.

[quote Denthelp]@Mydogmylife what is it of my posts you despair of?[/quote]
I imagine pretty much everything. The fact you don’t agree that it’s bullying being the main one.

Speak to the school. It is bullying and needs stamping on.

@Fieldofyellowflowers

Sorry this is happening OP. Hopefully the school will find a way to resolve it.

How old are your boys? You say you they are much older so twenties? I wouldn't let them get involved, even if they are in their teens. If they have a word/beat up this boy like some are suggesting, then the school could quite well turn around and say this is intimidating and bullying behaviour as well. Let the school deal with it.

Yes, the beating up thing was just a joke. If the school can't sort it immediately, the 19yr old might just meet her from school sometimes. Just the presence of a much older brother might do the trick. I wouldn't let him approach the kid. Glare at him maybe. That's all.

[quote Denthelp]@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream so witty.

Perhaps you could teach your daughter some of your wit, rather than relying on her adult brothers to scare and intimidate little children.[/quote]
Oh do bore off

@Demitri aside from me saying I wasn’t sure I would call it bulling, there’s really not much else that you could say you would despair of.

I think the PPs calling a 12 year old cunt etc needs more head shaking than my post. But I guess we all have different morals.

Cant she retaliate by calling him tiny cheesy dick?

He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence

So there's a wide public audience to the verbal abuse of DD, and the offenders would have absolutely no way of knowing who reported it to staff. Explain that to your daughter, then tell the school.

 Doing  nothing teaches her (and the boys) that women can  be frightened and cowed by  male abuse.   You need to  role-model     "confident  powerful woman refuses to be intimidated or silenced".

[quote Denthelp]@Demitri aside from me saying I wasn’t sure I would call it bulling, there’s really not much else that you could say you would despair of.

I think the PPs calling a 12 year old cunt etc needs more head shaking than my post. But I guess we all have different morals.[/quote]
If you can't see this is bullying then you have a very strange idea of what is. Three months of a classmate making a joke about her smelling of fish... not bullying? Ok then. Maybe you're the kind of person who publicly mocked other people then said they just couldn't take a joke. There's a name for that type of person - a bully. I hope your child never gets bullied and then told by you they're making a fuss about nothing.

@lemonsquashie

Cant she retaliate by calling him tiny cheesy dick?

RTFT if you can’t work out for yourself why that’s not a good idea.

@lemonsquashie

Cant she retaliate by calling him tiny cheesy dick?

Would you advise your own 12yo to say this? I wouldn't. It's not fair to her.

I haven't read the whole thread, so don't know if I'm repeating advice here, but @InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream, if I were you I'd make sure you get whatever the Year Head says/agrees to during the 'phone call in writing. 'E'mail them afterwards with a "just to clarify, we agreed on X, Y and Z with regards to my child being bullied during school hours" if necessary, or suggest that you'd rather "discuss" it in writing.

My son had a growth on his lip a few years ago when he was in Yr 9 (ended up having 1/4 of his lip removed and stitched back together again) and he endured similar. "Oh, you've got herpes/an STI" and so on. Sexual sort of "banter", similar to that which your daughter's experiencing. The school were useless. Everything they agreed to during telephone calls? Yeah... never happened. It wasn't until I followed another mum's advice and started a paper trail, to which I told them they would be held accountable (by contacting the LEA/Ofsted), that anything was done about it. It's badly damaged by son's self-esteem, and knocked his confidence at a time when teenagers are already walking a delicate tightrope.

I can't believe the few comments which I have read suggesting that this isn't bullying, though. It's sexualised, sustained harrassment, for crying out loud, and no teenager ought to have to endure both it and its implications. As grown women, would we put up with this sort of "banter"? No. So why should a young girl have/be expected to?

@Denthelp

He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence

I'm assuming you read this from OP. How is that not bullying?! What strange boundaries you have when it comes to what's acceptable.

I am very sorry for your daughter, she does not deserve this. I think OP you have taken a measured calm approach.
Now for the Idiots you are saying you are sending your adult sons to beat up children. It was obviously a tongue in cheek throw away remark and anyone with a ounce of intelligence and common sense would have taken it as such.
I hope you get things sorted out and your daughter is happier at school.

I agree about getting them to meet her from school.

My ds was being bullied and although school where good and tried to deal with it it carried on.

Ds was met by my brother a few times who wouldn't wait outside but would appear suddenly during the journey. He's 6ft 3 athletic but a complete pacifist! He never even acknowledged the bullies but they clearly got the message because they backed off and his friends who loved my brother (he'd have them all in hysterics when walking) very quickly learnt to ask ds "is your brother picking you up today?" if the gits started

I was also very firm with the school that I wouldn't let it drop and would go up as high as I needed if it wasn't dealt with. But I was actually very lucky that his school did take it seriously.

I dealt with a very similar issue the other day. One of my girls reported a couple of boys making comments to her.

There was never any room for the boys saying anyone had snitched - and I explained I would be checking in with the girl regularly and that any further incidents would be dealt with more severely.

I spoke to their parents in the first instance, telling them exactly what they had been saying, with the boy in the room with me.

This is awful. Horrible child.

Do you know if your school have cameras at all? A friend of mine reported that her dc was being bullied and the school called both children in to see the head of year and told them that they had seen incidents occurring on the school cameras. I thought this was ingenious! Worth a go?