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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family having keys & letting themselves in. U or NU?

118 replies

GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:02

Just reading another thread & in it, MIL had let herself into the OP's house. Made me wonder if this is 'normal'. My sister & I have each others keys but they're for emergencies, we wouldn't dream of just letting ourselves in. My fiancé, on the other hand, everyone seems to have a key to his place & they just walk in when they please. I've had his brother, mother & SIL walk in on me on separate occasions while I've been at his alone. It felt really intrusive & disrespectful because I'm not used to it ever happening in my home.

Is it your normal to give keys to family & allow them to come & go as they please?

YABU - It's normal & I don't mind.

YANBU - No. It's not normal.

OP posts:
Palavah · 07/12/2020 19:05

I have a key to my parents' place and them to mine. For emergencies, and/or if one is staying with the other and arriving when the other is out. Absolutely not for ad hoc, unannounced usage and I would change the locks in a heartbeat if they did.

M0rT · 07/12/2020 19:06

There are multiple keys with my family and my in-laws but they are for if we aren't home or forget/lose our keys.
I think my MIL probably would just walk in but that's why my SIL and BIL have the spare keys on that side!

elQuintoConyo · 07/12/2020 19:06

Fuck. No.

Friends have emergency keys.

BecomeStronger · 07/12/2020 19:07

I have my parents' key and they have mine. Absolutely for emergencies only, they wouldn't dream of letting themselves in otherwise. Why would they even want to?

DDIJ · 07/12/2020 19:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

millymae · 07/12/2020 19:08

We all have keys for each other’s houses but would never dream of using them other than for emergencies or pre-arranged visits.

ComDummings · 07/12/2020 19:09

It’s so rude. The only people going into any home should be those that currently live there, if people have a key it should be for emergencies only, I’m with you OP!

Runmybathforme · 07/12/2020 19:09

No way would I tolerate this. Lock the door when you’re there on your own. If your fiancé doesn’t like it, it’s a real red flag for your future together. You need to sort this out.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 07/12/2020 19:11

I have my parents house key, and would let myself in if I was expected, but not if I wasn't.

They have mine, and wouldn't let themselves in.

I also have my best friend's house key, but its for emergencies. I'd never let myself in!

fairlygoodmother · 07/12/2020 19:13

I wouldn’t be okay with it. Your fiancé obviously is though so before you move in together you will need to agree with him on your joint rules.

No reasonable person would object to being asked to ring the doorbell/give some kind of advance warning before they enter someone else’s home, so if you get any push back I wouldn’t hesitate to take their keys away.

SpudsandGravy · 07/12/2020 19:15

YANBU. How bleeping rude! Shock

Original poster
GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:15

Glad I'm not being precious by thinking it's a big invasion of privacy.

We got to his after work the other night & a parcel had been brought in. BIL had obviously been round (picked his car up that he'd left on fiancé's drive overnight), let himself in while we were at work & no idea if it was just because delivery arrived at the same time or if he'd been in for some other reason. Fiancé didn't give it a second thought but it gave me the creeps knowing someone had been in. I've got quite a lot of personal possessions there & it's my 2nd home. I really don't like it.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 07/12/2020 19:18

I don't think it happens much in the US. Too much chance of being mistaken for a burglar and shot. Grin And it's really, really rude too. People like that won't respect any boundaries.

UghNotThisAgain36 · 07/12/2020 19:20

Buy some rubber/leather underwear and massive dildos. Leave them lying about the place and they'll soon give up letting themselves in.

If you are set on marrying into that family, boundaries may have to be laid. I have a spare set of my DPs keys and my mums key but they are for emergency use only.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 19:20

I have a key to my 3 oldest dc's houses. Never used unless arranged. I even knock when I go round!! They use a spare key hidden if they need to be in here!! And don't ever knock!!

picklemewalnuts · 07/12/2020 19:21

You're going to have to tell him no way, in the house you buy together. No one gets the key. There's no way the family will change its culture- if they have a key they will use it.

Original poster
GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:21

We've already discussed it & have agreed there'll be no keys being given to them for 'our' home. TBH, I wish he'd change the lock on his place now. He might not mind but I hate not knowing if someone's been in rifling through things. There's no love list between me & BIL, he's a control freak narc, the kind of man that makes alarm bells ring full volume in your head. His house, his rules though.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 07/12/2020 19:22

That is incredibly rude. I have a the keys to numerous friends/family and neighbours houses. I would never ever use the key with out permission. I have two family members who leave the key in their door and I still knock and wait. Only time I use the keys I have is if they are on holiday and I have been asked to water plants, check mail etc.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 07/12/2020 19:23

My parents and inlaws have a key each. We leave the front door unlocked so they all ring the bell and walk in and visa versa.
If the door was locked they wouldn't just let themselves in though, they'd just wait for us to get to the door.

waitrosetrollydolly · 07/12/2020 19:25

I don't have keys for the house my PIL live in, and I own the bloody place! ( and have done for the last 25 years)

Whatsnewpussyhat · 07/12/2020 19:27

What type of lock is it? Can you leave your key on the inside when you are in alone so they can't unlock it?

There is no need for them to be there if you are out or if you are there alone.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 07/12/2020 19:29

No, I wouldn't have it - there have been friends neighbours that have had "emergency" keys at different points - but purely for if I lock myself out.
When I've had emergency keys for people (mostly occasional cat/fish feeding) I've always rung the bell first, even when they are on holiday, in case they've come home early.

There again, there are so many people on this board that rely on parents for childcare - I guess it makes sense for them to have access.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/12/2020 19:31

We have keys to PILs, cannot imagine ever letting ourselves in unless they've specifically asked us to round to do something when they're not in.
No one will get a key to ours. The old lady over the road has it in case someone needs to get in.

I would not feel comfortable someone having a key, I wouldn't be able to relax if someone could just walk in. And I would feel like I had to tidy up for guests everytime I went out incase someone came in. Sometimes theres knickers on the kitchen floor. Sometimes I'm not even wearing knickers.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 07/12/2020 19:33

If the door isn't lockable from the inside, cant you/BF just fit a door security chain that you can use if you're there alone?

About £4 from amazon

2bazookas · 07/12/2020 19:34

One of our sons only lives a few miles away and we have keys to each others houses.